When does BPD realize they have a problem and try to get better

[clydegriffith]

For those of you here that acknowledge your BPD and are actively seeking wasy to get better i commend you.

How long did this take and did anything in particular set this in motion?

I'm convinced that my daughter's mother will only try to get help when she is no longer attractive enough to be able to jump from guy to guy. I'm surprised she manages to keep getting new ones with 4 kids under 6 years old in tow now.

[Blimblam]

I think when thier pain gets in the way of their ability to get narcisistic supply.

[Infern0]

The problem is that they have very poor self awareness AND low cognition

When you combine that it makes seeking help a very very difficult path.

Mine would have flashes of self awareness.  They usually came during some emotional traumatic moment. That's when she would berate herself as being a terrible person etc.

But the borderline cannot sustain that sense of self,  they can't remain grounded because it's too painful and then their brain triggers all of the built in defence mechanisms that have been established to cope with the core trauma.

It was always the same.

Pain

Realization/self awareness

Dissociation

Projection

I tried to get her to stay "lucid" because in that state it was possible to do something for her,  but then she'd space out with the vacant stare, and then if I continued she would say there was nothing wrong with her and that I was crazy and trying to change her.

She had found herself in therapy and medicated before after a suicide attempt and was i guess a bit more stable but that didn't last long before she jacked that in, started cutting herself and doing her BPD thing.

I'm of the opinion that actual live in intense therapy for an extended period of time is probably the only way to really do something for them. It's so easy to find supply,  and when they have it they basically can't be helped.

Obviously it varies case by case but if she's a lower functioning waif like mine with comorbid issues and middling intellect at best, you've got a major problem

[clydegriffith]

Interesting post, inferno. In my experience the self realization did come in the middle of one of the rages or when she turned into "the beast" as i now call it. It was pretty weird actually. She would become aware of what she did then thank me for not flipping out and say i calmed her down but it would be no more than a couple of days before another episode.

[Blimblam]

The problem is that they have very poor self awareness AND low cognition

When you combine that it makes seeking help a very very difficult path.

Mine would have flashes of self awareness.  They usually came during some emotional traumatic moment. That's when she would berate herself as being a terrible person etc.

But the borderline cannot sustain that sense of self,  they can't remain grounded because it's too painful and then their brain triggers all of the built in defence mechanisms that have been established to cope with the core trauma.

It was always the same.

Pain

Realization/self awareness

Dissociation

Projection

I tried to get her to stay "lucid" because in that state it was possible to do something for her,  but then she'd space out with the vacant stare, and then if I continued she would say there was nothing wrong with her and that I was crazy and trying to change her.

She had found herself in therapy and medicated before after a suicide attempt and was i guess a bit more stable but that didn't last long before she jacked that in, started cutting herself and doing her BPD thing.

I'm of the opinion that actual live in intense therapy for an extended period of time is probably the only way to really do something for them. It's so easy to find supply,  and when they have it they basically can't be helped.

Obviously it varies case by case but if she's a lower functioning waif like mine with comorbid issues and middling intellect at best, you've got a major problem

A very insightful post inferno and I agree.

I heard a line In a movie the other day, "... .men are attracted to flawed women the illusion is thinking they can fix them."

[Confused?]

When they have no one left

[fred6]

Mine usually had to think about it before she realized what she had done. If she was in a rage, it would usually be about 6-12 hours and she "MIGHT" apologize.  But usually she would try to rationalize her behavior and say,  "that $hit pissed me off". She never recognized her rages as rages. She just thinks she has a bad temper. Hell, I have a bad temper if you get me to a level "10". But the difference is that I only hit that level once every few years, if that. Not every week or two like her.

Her, "you pissed me off" makes her think that she can act however she wants. But if I did the same to her, it would be abuse in her mind. Lots of double standards with my ex... .

[Climbmountains91]

Mine has had a cpn for three years now and it hasn't done anything for him. His been on millions of medications every 5 mins, he's having occupational therapy and goes to mental health groups, he does all this but takes nothing in, he said he just uses it as company and i think he's scared of getting better because then hell lose the money and easy life style he has. Though he keeps saying one day he will get better.

[ajr5679]

My ex felt that sense she had good boundaries with everyone around her that she was curded. what she did not care about is that she would walk all over everybody else boundaries. that did not matter as long as her needs were being filled she was good. she will never get better.

[drummerboy]

Mine was a curious case. She had a major in psych, was one of the most intellectually intelligent people I've ever met but when it came to her mental health she was clueless. She had been in T and on meds for GAD for 10 years. She had major depressive episodes all that time. 12 months before she met me she went off meds and T and started going to a homeopath. 6 months before meeting me she attempted suicide. She did mention bi-polar to me once but never BPD. If ever there was someone that should be able to become self aware and get help it was her. She knew psychology inside and out. Could talk about it endlessly but as far as she herself was concerned, total denial except for the GAD/depression. So sad.

[Infern0]

I can't even imagine what a high functioning BPD must be like. Must be a complete nightmare.

At least in my case you can take one look at her and say "issues"

It's plain as day,  yeah people don't understand the true nature of it but everyone knows she isn't normal.

Having one that can hold themselves together and fool everyone else into thinking they are normal must be so damaging.

At least when mine split me,  everyone around me was like "sorry it happened but its not your fault, she's got major issues man"

I don't think I could have coped if nobody else saw it.

[drummerboy]

Mine was very high functioning. To all but those closet to her she appears 100% normal, bubbly, cute, you name it. But I, her ex (before me) and her parents know better!

I can't even imagine what a high functioning BPD must be like. Must be a complete nightmare.

At least in my case you can take one look at her and say "issues"

It's plain as day,  yeah people don't understand the true nature of it but everyone knows she isn't normal.

Having one that can hold themselves together and fool everyone else into thinking they are normal must be so damaging.

At least when mine split me,  everyone around me was like "sorry it happened but its not your fault, she's got major issues man"

I don't think I could have coped if nobody else saw it.

[Infern0]

Mine was very high functioning. To all but those closet to her she appears 100% normal, bubbly, cute, you name it. But I, her ex (before me) and her parents know better!

I can't even imagine what a high functioning BPD must be like. Must be a complete nightmare.

At least in my case you can take one look at her and say "issues"

It's plain as day,  yeah people don't understand the true nature of it but everyone knows she isn't normal.

Having one that can hold themselves together and fool everyone else into thinking they are normal must be so damaging.

At least when mine split me,  everyone around me was like "sorry it happened but its not your fault, she's got major issues man"

I don't think I could have coped if nobody else saw it.

Mines bullimic,  miserable,  sickly,  plasters on her arms.

Amazing I got suckered in really because everyone else saw her for what she was,  two of my close female friends warned me about her over and over but I was all "she's not like that,  she's just fragile and a bit depressed"

It kind of validates me in a way because instead of going off being " happy" it's trainwreck city,  like off the rails.

Of course there is still compassion so it's upsetting.  But at least I know I'm sane.

[ajr5679]

my ex is high functioning . it is sad when her kids felt sorry for me and told me to run like hell. and when Iwas losing my mind her daughter looked at me one day and said . I told you to run .

[Blimblam]

I can't even imagine what a high functioning BPD must be like. Must be a complete nightmare.

At least in my case you can take one look at her and say "issues"

It's plain as day,  yeah people don't understand the true nature of it but everyone knows she isn't normal.

Having one that can hold themselves together and fool everyone else into thinking they are normal must be so damaging.

At least when mine split me,  everyone around me was like "sorry it happened but its not your fault, she's got major issues man"

I don't think I could have coped if nobody else saw it.

If nobody else sees it you trully believe the gas lighting. It's horrible beyond description. You feel crazy she tells everyone your crazy and everyone thinks your the problem. Then I learned about BPD and this forum. My saving grace thank you family so much soo soo much!