update on d since attack

[mggt]

Its been a couple of weeks since I had the incident with my d .  She tried to choke me some of you may remember,  That night I called police because I wanted her out of her did not want arrested.  Well tonight she just got a summons to appear in court within the next month obviously the police filed a report due to all the domestic violence in this country.  I did not want to have her arrested due to alot of things her child her job her .  What she did was so wrong  but I am sick to my stomach with regret will she do jail time will she have a record and so on.  She lives here still she got home tonight and I gave her the summons for court (police delivered it to our door in person).  She started yelling and swearing at me and saying she hates me and here I am trying to rack my brain to solve all of this .  It makes me sick cant stop crying as all of this BPD will never end she is so angry all the time and does not have one ounce of common sense just anger and hate towards me just want to run away Thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Also if anyone has ever been through this with the court system any advice on how to have charges dropped thank you I still love her very much my heart is broken

[Rapt Reader]

mggt, does your daughter have a Lawyer? If she can't afford one, maybe she could get a court-appointed one? The questions you have could probably be answered by a Public Defender (unless she can afford a Lawyer on her own), and that person would help her in this situation.

It sounds like the charges were made by the Police Department, since you didn't file any charges, and as such, I almost think there is really nothing you can do to have them dropped without some sort of legal representation. Probably the first thing she should do is to contact the Court to get a Public Defender, and then work out her situation that way.

I also think that she got herself into this situation--not you--by her own actions, and "saving" her from the consequences would probably not be helpful to either of you, though I do know you are feeling guilty for her predicament and want to just make her rantings and anger stop. I'm really sorry for how horrible you feel, and know that it's easy to get tangled up in that (I have my own adult son with BPD), and to just want it over with.

Unfortunately, now that the Legal system is involved, there are steps that will need to be taken and she will have to take them and deal with the penalties involved. And you know what? It might be something that will cause some sort of positive change in her life, as hard as it is to see that now. It took my own son having to get arrested for possession--going through the Legal system for that, and being required to complete an Intensive 21-day In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program for the charges to be dropped--before he finally got clean and sober from a multi-year Heroin addiction, and diagnosed with BPD and treated for it.

He's doing really well right now, and has been clean and sober for more than 19 months, and is in recovery for his BPD also. It was a torturous situation to navigate, with lots of angst and fears and stress, but the arrest was the catalyst for his being saved from his troubles... .He had a Public Defender who worked very hard for a positive outcome for him that involved treatment and recovery, rather than incarceration. Maybe your daughter can find someone like that?

[jellibeans]

Oh mg get how sorry I am to read your post. I do not think I saw the original post with the assault. My dd17 is in the court system right now for evading police. She was place on a mental health path. She has to get therapy and do everything to get better and we are told her charges will be dropped. I am not sure this route is available to you but get a lawyer and have her discuss her options.

I do not feel she should be angry with you. I would hope she should feel remorse. Hang in they

[Elbry]

So sorry to read your post.  You must feel so conflicted.  I know in my area, victims of domestic assault do not have the option of dropping charges, the district attorney presses the charges. This is because it is such a complicated problem and victims often feel a lot of guilt and regret and many times do try and drop charges which just perpetuates the cycle.

You did not assault yourself.  It's hard but, sometimes we do need to step back and let our children face the natural consequences of their actions.  I agree with raptreader and jellibeans, get a lawyer right away. 

[tristesse]

HI mggt,

I just read your post and I am unbelievably sorry to hear this news. I did not see the first post, so this one was a surprise.

My daughter has been arrested for domestic and assault with injury, she is now 30 turning 31 next month, and this occurred about 2.5 years ago. I was the victim of her attack, as we mothers usually are. I am not sure how it will work where you are at, but my dd did not serve any jail time, she was given a fine and probation. The difference is, I did file charges and I did appear in court. I was hoping that she would finally wake up and strive to get better. It did not work, and it did not help, but I am not sorry that I did it, and would do it again. I will not physically assaulted by my own child in my own home.

We already take so much abuse from our BPD's, the emotional abuse is the worst, there is no reason in the world to accept physical abuse as well. The one positive thing that did come from my experience is, my BPDd knows that I will follow through and have her arrested and I will press charges and see that through also. She has a child, so she is afraid of losing him and tries to curb the physical aspect of her rages. she is not perfect, but better.

I don't have the answer for you, each person is and each situation are different. But I do have a sympathetic ear, and I do understand. Please take care of yourself. Stay strong.

[Sstepdad]

 I just read the thread on the attack. She assaulted you, she committed a crime she did this to herself you are not to blame.

We call it a mental illness but there are boundaries of acceptability when behavior is no longer acceptable what if she had not let go? you may not be posting at all.

I am sorry you are not getting support from your husband both of you need to be on the same page with this maybe a marriage counselor can help.

It was difficult until my wife and I had long discussions about what was going on in our life and how we would manage it. Before that we were responding to each crisis at the moment with no plan of action.

The police pursuing this may be a good thing in the long run.

[walksoftly]

Hi, the same thing happened to me when she kicked me, punched me and pushed me in front of my daughter. This was after I knew she was having an affair. It was too much so I went to the police and I decided not to tell everything at the time. Then after speaking with my sister she told me to call the police again, so I did and filed a full report.

I was very conflicted over this but in the end I was glad I did it because at this point it was about my dignity. You see, she routinely raged against me; punching me, slapping, scratching and I took it. So in the end dignity won and the police decided not to pursue the issue because we are both career people who have never been in trouble with the law.

Do not feel guilty-maintain your dignity-there MUST be consequences for her actions.

[qcarolr]

mggt     wish I could crawl through the air and give a real live hug. You need all the support and love you can get right now. Please, please find some support for yourself. The mommy guilt is very powerful, and I have made many mistakes in 'protecting' my DD28 from legal stuff in the past. She never learned - never experienced her part in the troubles - never accepted that the consequences belonged to her. Then all that changed last year.

She was having a very messy breakup with exbf that was often in our home overnight. They hung out with homeless community over half the time. Felt like our house was a hotel sometimes. There was more and more disrespect for the house rules. Especially when we said no more overnight guests. She fought this hard. We came to the place where it was having a very traumatic influence on her little girl (gd is now 9 and has always lived with dh and I - custody since a baby). When she lost control, raged at me, cornered me (even with gd by my side a couple times) the police were called. Dh usually called. The pattern was we did not file charges, did not want her arrested she would calm down and be allowed to stay OR be taken for eval on 72 hours hold. She was never held - always home in triumph within a few hours via taxi. At this point, because I did not file charges, her denial of her responsibility was strong. Then we would not let her come back home - she and recycled exbf lived in house with lots of drugs - that melted down - she pursued him - he filed harrassment charges - the consequences started that were out of my control. I did bail her out for medical care, and she agreed to mental health care -- for a week or so until the meth took over again (I was in denial about that part). She was convicted and sentenced to 60 days house arrest - at our house - and she refused to follow the house rules of no friends IN THE COURTHOUSE AFTER HER HEARING. She should have been re-arrested then but her lawyer got a sheriff to escort us to the car - she got her stuff. She was home in a day, then exbf showed up - violate no contact - gd was terrified. The next morning I went to police station and filed a complaint about the no-contact violation and gd's reactions. They went to the house and arrested her - I went to work. 2 months jail; 4 months intensely supervised dual-dx probation - we paid for motels that she was kicked out of; then she ran from detox. I called her probation officer with location... .

She has now been in jail for 8 months. She thought she could not survive this. She messed up a couple times, got her sentence extended. Things happened - I have been there for her in a much healthier way using the skills and tools here with the support of a network of people I started building in 2012. Therapist for me, therapist for gd, new group of women in new church, dh and I finding common ground and being there for each other -- put priority on our marriage first, then gd's needs, then DD28's. I have learned ways to be an advocate for her needs - finding her resources in the jail and supporting her in access to them (work with her public defender for medical and mental health needs). I also am able to sincerely tell her that I love - always love her - no matter what even if she cannot be in our home.

She has one more month, she is getting some transition support in jail (she never accessed this before when dh&I stepped up with housing); she has been accepted in a transition program at the homeless shelter; she has reached out to gd with her love and gd is beginning to respond (gd did not want any contact since Jan!). She seems determined to be successful in staying clean and sober in the transition program and moving into living independently with success. There is a lot of support there for her in the community -- and I can advocate for this with her. Instead of for her.

We will see how it goes when she is released next month. She has asked me to make appointments in the first week out with her therapist, the job specialist, the addiction recovery outpatient center (groups, her T will to that part for mental health and drug rehab), medications pdoc... .I am willing to support her in all these appointments as long as she is willing to go. This is a requirement for her to be in our home to visit and see her dog. She wants to become a "special friend" for her little girl. It is a long process -- one day at a time. I have to keep this focus too.

DD has been in jail before for DUI, assault, and harrassment. Lots of domestic violence tagged charges. She can only get housing assistance if she goes through an official program. Housing is her first step to stay away from homeless, druggie 'friends'. They call the first step of the transistion program "First Step". Somewhere she can stay, store her stuff, meet with counselors. Get the bus in 5 minutes to where the mental health, rehab, and social services are located (she will get her food stamps, adult financial assitance, and medicaid restored when she is released).

There is always hope, though it may be a challenge to see it along the way. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Believe in your choices - they are what needs to happen. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for courage, strength, perseverance and lots of peace and rest. I have found peace and rest more and more as I let go of feeling responsible for DD and allowing her to be responsible for herself. Even in the midst of chaos. This is what self-care is all about for me.

qcr

[chooselove]

Do your best to gather yourself emotionally, mggt.  Speaking as a mother who chose to save her D from jail years ago, I have strong mixed feelings.  I know you want her life to be better but in my case, at least, D never took full responsibility for the actions that got her arrested.  Instead, after she was bailed out and brought home she threw tantrum after tantrum saying it was all my fault that she had made a bad decision. She also grew bold knowing that I couldn't stand her being in such pain.  I have often wondered if letting her suffer the full consequences of her actions all those years ago would have had a positive effect instead.  It seems rescuing and aiding her just left her more entitled.  I was like you at the time, overly empathetic, sleepless, worried, and seeking help to get her out of the hole she had dug for herself.  If I could go back I think I would be more matter of fact and say, "Well, you knew what you were doing was not legal and would have consequences. Maybe you need to think about that because those types of actions simply will not be tolerated.  Love has nothing to do with it."   

[SlyQQ]

Hello sympathy first I have suffered much from domestic violence iI have the advantage of being a reasonable muscular male in that when i am punched or hit slapped in the face 9 or spat in the face that i am not generally physically hurt I have been put in a similar posistion of weather to file charges if you want to back out which may or may not be the right choice ( remember these people are mentally ill an not in controll of there actions ) baseline for BPD is fine for most outsiders it is "loved ones" that always bear the brunt 1 you could ask lawyer about temporary insanity or such ask for leiniancy on mental grounds 2 you could say you provoked the fight in court ( do not expect any gratitude though ) 3 good luck

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

My personal belief: Mental illness is real, and impacts the choices made, and still those that have impaired judgement must be held accountable for these actions. The focus in many courts here in the USA is on rehabilitation and restitution. I have experienced this beginning to work in my DD28's life. She was convicted of multiple charges, offered lots of alternative sentencing options with rehab focus, and ultimately had to be incarcerated for long enough that the programs she had to participate in could work some changes in her. She really needed the 9 months in jail. Six months to mess up over and over, 3 months to finally get it that she is the only one to make things different.

I also know of DD's friends that will never step off their self-destructive paths. I am very sad and also ACCEPT this is totally out of my control -- totally inside their own control.

My experience, and that of many others on this board, is we need to get out of the way. Find a way toward peace in ourselves so we can love always, react with integrity and honesty, and advocate when access to resources is blocked. This seems to be working in my life for now.

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

I wanted to encourage you mggt to find out as much as possible about the process.

My step-daughter was escalating her violence towards her husband, until he finally called the police. She was preparing to go to court, but worked out a "pre-trial" deal with her court-appointed defender, which meant that the charges were never brought to trial, and her record was sealed. (this was all handled in civilian/military jurisdiction so it might be different in your case)

But - she was on probation for a year and had to attend therapy. I believe it scared her enough to stop her violence altogether. This happened 11 years ago, and she has never done it since. I believe she might have continued if she didn't get into trouble then.

Wishing you all the best, let us know how things are going when you can, ok?