Pregnant. No mother

[Upcyclinggirl]

I had this in another thread and was kindly invited to join this one. I'm feeling too lazy to rewrite so just copied and pasted:

Hi. I'm feeling sad. I'm 38.5 weeks pregnant, about due. Just out of hospital with hydronephrosis and can't walk thanks to nerve damage from an old back injury.

I can't stop thinking about my mother. A classic borderline if there ever was one. I thought maybe things would change with the pregnancy, but they haven't. She hasn't called me, or texted me. She played some head games with me at the time of my baby shower that I reluctantly invited her to (and she never showed-but not without some more bizarre behaviour) and haven't heard from her since.

She booked herself in for elective surgery in the same week my baby is due. My husbands theory is that she wants to keep my brothers attention on her and away from me. I think he's right-even though thinking about it makes me feel sick. I haven't heard from him either, not even a congrats text. They have a bizarre relationship, really bizarre. I feel physically sick when I see them together, more like a married couple than mother and son.

I have accepted that my mother is a very damaged and cruel woman. I foresaw this, I foresaw the baby shower antics, I knew it was all coming. But now that I am feeling sad, low, in pain, lonely and scared it's like I've foolishly turned into that dependant little girl again that just wants her mum. I wish I could switch it off. I wish I could reach into my brain and find the part where she still has influence over me and pull it out and permanently destroy it.

I was seeing a counsellor but she went on leave. The woman who replaced her is no good, we just sit there and watch a dvd on parenting so I canned it. Now it's too late to find someone else. It's soo hard finding a counsellor that has even a remote understanding of what it's like to have a BPD mother. Acceptance of the extreme abuse suffered in childhood-'no I'm not making that up, she really did do that.' The idea that you're stuck in an infinite loop, that no matter how smart, educated and in control you seem to the outside world, you always come back to that place of just wanting your mum to love you. They just don't get it. No one gets it. On the way home from the hospital I tearfully said to my husband 'she really isn't going to call me, is she? He looked at me like I have a screw loose, like 'I thought we covered this already.' He's been brilliant, I think he was just a bit shocked I'm again walking this dark path.

Hopefully just posting this will help lift the mood. I need to go and pack some cute baby things now. Thank you for listening.

[lemon flower]

hi upcyclinggirl,

I'm sorry to read your story, becoming a mother is a very intense period in a woman's life and brings you emotionally closer to your own mother.

when this person is not available to you it is extra painful because of your own changed hormonal balance in combination with underlaying fears, desires, childhood memories etc.

I'm sure you know all this but it doesn't change the way you feel, so I can only advise to let the feelings pass by, allow yourself to feel sad , but don't let them consume you.

focus on your baby, your husband, your own little nest and don't allow your mother or brother to cause you so much pain,

maybe you will start to sense some relief that she doesn't call you after all, this way she can't ruin the atmosphere in your place as her presence probably won't soothe you anyway, it won't be a happy , intimate mother-daughter reunion, nor wil she be able to feel much love for the little one, rather will she act jealously.

this is your life, you're about to start a whole new, exciting cycle filled with loving feelings for the baby, enjoy it as much as you can 

I wish you and your husband good luck and a beautiful baby 

[HappyChappy]

Hi. I'm feeling sad... .I can't stop thinking about my mother... .I've foolishly turned into that dependant little girl again that just wants her mum. I wish I could switch it off. I wish I could reach into my brain and find the part where she still has influence over me and pull it out and permanently destroy it.

I was seeing a counsellor but she went on leave. The woman who replaced her is no good, we just sit there and watch a dvd on parenting so I canned it. Now it's too late to find someone else.

It's soo hard finding a counsellor that has even a remote understanding of what it's like to have a BPD mother... .No one gets it.

Firstly, congratulations on your child to be. Secondly your point about no one getting it, I felt the same. But I get it (don’t know what to do with it most the time) also 75 thousand users of this board also get it, so you can get your validation here. I also was unable to find a counsellor that truly knew BPD, but I did find a counsellor that did a great job. She showed a great deal of empathy, and introduced me to tool that I latter read about in a specialist BPD book. So although I thought a specialist in BPD was what I needed, I actually found a generalist did the job. You might have to try a couple first.

You also make the point about thinking about your mom all the time, and being a silly vulnerable girl again. According to my wife, that’s how she felt when pregnant, and my wife is extra tough with studs on it. I guess it must be natural to look to your mom when pregnant, for tips on how to be a mom amongst other things. But I guess you’ve picked up BPD aren’t the best to go to for parenting tips, so it’s a blessing she’s not interested. The expert BPD book I read suggested once you realise your mom can never really be the mom you deserved/expected then you need to grieve that loss. It even suggests burning symbolic items and burying them. You have your husband, you have brothers in arms through this website. Who needs a mom – friends are way much better. My wife made loads of friends through the baby sitting clubs etc... .you naturally have something in common.

In your mom’s favour, she did a least give birth to you, where as Madonna and Angelina Jolie – those two, didn’t even want the stress of child birth, just all the attention and fun of shopping for kids. Wishing you the best, time to focus on you not your BPD, and yes she will be competing for attention. Best of luck.

[sisterofbpd]

upcyclinggirl, Cograts on you're upcoming little one!

I have a BPDsis and an undiagnosed narcissistic/waif mother.  My Mom was very neglectful with me growing up, so I was fairly independent at a young age.  I grew to think her lack of involvement in my life was normal until I saw the other Moms of friends of mine in high school.  My Mom never really seemed to be upset that I didn't really need her help with anything until I was engaged and formed a pretty tight bond with my soon to be mother-in-law.  Only then did she say, "I feel like now that you have mother-in-law, you don't need me anymore."  Long story short, I can kinda relate to your story, because when I went to look at wedding dresses, she told me she was "too busy" to go.  It was one of those experiences you expect to share with your Mom, but it just didn't happen.

I can honestly say that the life I built with my husband after that really saved me.  It was obvious that I did not want to be the type of Mom that she was and just decided to raise my kids on my terms.  When my daughters came around, my Mom did want to be involved, but it's very limited.  I'm sorry your Mom is not being supportive of you and not being there when you need her.  It really sucks being in that situation, and it certainly seems like no one else understands.  I can tell you that this board is probably the only place I have felt validated on my experience and feelings.  HappyChappy is right, seek support of your friends.  That has really helped me cope as well. 

Wishing you the best!

[Upcyclinggirl]

Wow, thanks guys. I felt so much better after posting this story and even better after I read your replies.

I get through most days thinking of what I do have rather than what I don't. It's those times when things are hard that my sad inner child comes out. It may be a bit triggering too, I keep remembering all the other times she's let me down, all the hurtful and destructive things she's done over the years. I also can't help but worry about her with the operation that she's had. I want to contact her to make sure she's ok but can't because that will start a whole new stream of madness.

People can be insensitive too. I keep hearing how hard it is to care for a baby. This is from women who's own mothers are caring and helpful and, in some cases, become virtual slaves to caring for their grandchildren. If they find it hard, how hard will it be for us? No mothers around (the mil is a whole other story) to help or to care or to listen. I suppose there are lots of other women out there who do it that way too. I try to stay away from jealousy but I'm desperately jealous of women who have supportive mothers. A sad character flaw I wish I could drop.

[Harri]

Ucyclinggirl, hello.  Congrats on your soon to be out little person! 

A sad character flaw I wish I could drop.

It is not a character flaw for you to have hope for a normal, loving and supportive mother.  It is not your flaw, but one that belongs to your mother.

I think wanting a normal mother, while it hurts for those of us who can't have one, is normal and expected and it is not a want that you can just will away.  It will wax and wane and that is normal.  So let yourself feel sad for a bit when it arises without judging the feeling or yourself.

[sisterofbpd]

People can be insensitive too. I keep hearing how hard it is to care for a baby. This is from women who's own mothers are caring and helpful and, in some cases, become virtual slaves to caring for their grandchildren. If they find it hard, how hard will it be for us? No mothers around (the mil is a whole other story) to help or to care or to listen.

I can tell you that having a NBPDmom, she was pretty neglectful of me.  To my advantage, I have always been independent from a young age, as I'm sure you are as well.  You will be just fine with this parenting thing, you're already used to doing things without her, this will just be one of those things  .  Also, as a mom myself, I find myself thinking back to experiences I had with my own mother, and ways that she did things and am completely baffled because I would never put my children in that situation. (Walking 5 miles alone at 12 in the country because my mother couldn't be bothered from her nap to pick me up, missing all of my basketball games, etc)

I suppose there are lots of other women out there who do it that way too. I try to stay away from jealousy but I'm desperately jealous of women who have supportive mothers. A sad character flaw I wish I could drop.

It's perfectly normal to feel this way.  I feel the same way in regards to my Mother and my sister.  I see friends on FB posting about a great day with their Mom and or sister and it's incredibly sad.  Hang in there!

[estelithil]

I'm pregnant too. Being pregnant has made me have to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of my BPD mother all over again. I thought I was over it, but apparently not.

My mother expects to be involved and treats this pregnancy like it is all about her. Drives me nuts. I won't be telling her when I go into labour as she will be up the hospital in a shot strutting aorund being dramatic, which I won't have the patience for!

Like others have said, let yourself feel these things but try not to dwell on them. Hang in there. Xx