So nervous and confused.

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

So tell my story quickly, I've been with my unBPDh for 15 yrs and married 8 1/2yrs and we have a D9 and D6.I have been a stay at home mom for my girls for 10yrs. Like any other relationship burdened with BPD we've had plenty of ups and downs. Mostly do to his inability to be able show any interest in my needs. The last 4 yrs we decided to do an in house separation and try therapy which none of it worked. He just became more distant yet expecting me to stay close to him. 2 yrs ago we talked about divorcing and agreed it was the right decision until he came to me with a life changing opportunity for his career. He had a fantastic opportunity to start a business. He had talked about this for 15 yrs. The only catch... .I had to stay in the marriage until the business took off for us to get a divorce. Welp, my co-dependent, care-taking self stayed. Needless to say its been hell. He could not live side-by-side without infiltrating his ugliness into my life. It was frustrating and felt unappreciative. Unbeknown to me, until receently, he had been having an affair with my neighbor 4 doors down(townhouse) for the last year. She is married with 3 kids. Her D9 and my D9 are in the same class. The 2 of them are living together part time in a house that he has rented(that I'm not supposed to know about).  Disturbing right? It's been a HUGE mess.

I'm seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow and I'm scared out of my mind. My D9 is twice exceptional(gifted and talented w/ADHD) She has already question her dads integrity based on what she has seen on her own(which is very little compared to what I know). She was up last night throwing up after I had to tell her her dad wasn't allowed in the house anymore. And tonight she tried to get her dad to buy me a new coffee maker because she wants us to be friends.

My concern is custody. He has never been there for them. Sure, he shows up at every sports events and takes them to do fun stuff but he was never there for the down and dirty parenting. The sleepless nights, the doctors visits and the hardships. I want full custody of my girls with visitation for him. I don't want them to be able to see them together. My D9 and her D9 are really close friends. He and I were never affectionate, he was very dismissive of my affection and in time it just dwindled away. I think it will be so hard on my D9 to see them like that. The whole thing has me worried sick.

Has anyone else gone through something similar or have any advice on what I could do to stabilize my girls lives? I'm so afraid the courts won't see what I see and push into joint custody which will be a nightmare because he will just use them as pawns in his little games. I have been documenting everything for the last month.

[whirlpoollife]

When you document , write down all that you have done a parent.  You did everything, so start from when they were born. Outline it more than essay , so it's easy / quick to read.

Courts are more interested of his behavior as a parent , my x2b h didn't do any of the hard parenting but he wasn't an absentee dad and courts were so happy for that.   

Have a good attorney , ask around for references for some, interview a few, not  just one. 

Have a list of questions ready for attorney.

Don't wait, divorce now.  It will be rough in the beginning for d's but they will get used that mom and dad don't live together anymore.  The longer you wait , the older they get , the more they remember.

[ForeverDad]

If you get your daughters into counseling now, before the court gets involved, it will be easier for the court to rule that counseling should continue.  If you wait, it could be harder to get court to order it to start.  In general, courts like counseling for the children but their father could delay or obstruct it if you're not proactive.

Your daughters do need Validation from you, it will help them to grow stronger in confidence of their observations.  Guidance too for the things they don't figure out.  There are some things you shouldn't hide from them, though you want to always speak of things with them in age-appropriate framework.  One point to make clear is that they aren't the cause of the marriage's failure, that is a feeling many children get even if they don't know how to put it into words and you need to assure them that it is not because of them.  Another is that it is not within their ability or scope to fix the marriage, now is the time to deal with the reality of what is, not what they may wish to be.

[Matt]

Good thoughts from everybody, but this is going to be hard.

Just a few things I learned - I didn't have to deal with the issue of my spouse being in a relationship already - that complicates it a lot.

When we separated my kids were S8 and D10 (and two adult stepkids).  It was hard on us all.  I got the kids into counseling shortly after we separated and that helped some.

If you are still sharing a house in any way, I would suggest you try to end that as soon as possible.  Let him know that everything will go better - and you'll try to help him have his business - if he will live somewhere else.  Being in the house together while neither of you is committed to the relationship, and you know he's seeing someone else, will just be way too stressful for everyone.

Minimize communication with him - it will only make things worse.  Don't try to be friends.  Use e-mail because it leaves a record.  He has made his choice and hasn't treated you with respect, so he's not someone you can trust.  Deal with him on a business basis - no emotions, just facts, like schedules and other information.  If he can't deal with that, let it be his problem - don't engage him on any basis other than business.

Find an attorney with experience in cases like yours - "high-conflict" divorces.  Ask for "war stories" showing that she has that kind of experience and has learned from it.

Think about what you believe would be the best realistic outcome.  Learn about how your state does things;  for example, in some states, it's almost always "shared custody", but one parent might have the kids most of the time, and the other maybe just "EOW" - every other weekend.  Your attorney should know what is realistic.  Develop a proposal with reasons based on what's best for the kids.

Tell your kids the truth, but not too much.  Best to talk with each of them alone, and just share the basics, and see what she asks.  My kids always asked "basic" questions - not philosophy, but basic stuff like, "Will we still take the same bus to school?" - how events affect them.

Finally, I would suggest you read "Splitting" by William A. Eddy, about divorcing a "high-conflict" person.  You can also find good articles on his web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.

[momtara]

Getting full custody could be hard, but just push for everything you want, right from the beginning.  He may be willing to give that in exchange for some other giveback you don't really care about. 

I'm sorry you're in this mess of a situation and that it's so hard on everyone emotionally.