Seeking your wisdom

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

(I had posted it in the wrong forum earlier by mistake.)

As a new kid on the block here, I feel it is appropriate to introduce myself and my personal interfacing with BPD  (through now ex-girlfriend).

I am 41 and she was 44. We have been together for over three years that saw many inconsistencies in her statements i.e., lies. I believe they were deliberate because later on when I was breaking up with her she said that they were to impress me. She acknowledged to have built walls around her while growing up.

Since February this year, I began to notice some changes in her behavior. These included being not as much available as well as undeserved personal attacks or insults. I addressed these hurtful gestures but she either did not acknowledge them or justified them by being too tied up with her responsibilities as single parent. I left it at that but my gut feeling was telling me that something was amiss.

So one day, I took the risk and accused her of cheating. Telling her that I know the facts and just wanted to hear them from her mouth. She was silent for about five minutes staring cold in my eyes as if she was trying to read whether I was bluffing. I can tell you that her stare at that time was so scary. When I reiterated my question, she divulged that she was seeing a 57-year-old guy and they had sex a week ago. I emphatically said that that was not true and held my ground. This time she changed her stance and confessed that she had been sleeping with him since late February this year. Hearing this, I was very upset and called her a “___” and “scumbag” who lacks complete moral and ethical sanctity of a monogamous relationship. I was never physically violent but verbally angry.

The irony is during all these months (when my intuition was uncomfortable), she accused me of having sex with other women which was not true. During the same period I had asked her many times if she was seeing anyone. And I even suggested that if she was then she should let me go and pursue whoever. Every single time that I asked this question, she affirmed her fidelity and love to me. Even saying that it was insulting to her being asked such a question.

She moved in with the guy, after our break-up. I don't know if they are together but I do wish her all the happiness in this world.

I must add that during our relationship together, she had been the most convincing liar and most manipulative person ever. If you did not know the facts, she could easily sway you to her stance. If it meant misquoting her own kids, she would do it in a heartbeat as long as it served her intentions. Even after our break-up, she accused me of hurting the relationship instead of her.

We broke up three months ago and since then I have been in complete no contact with her. She wished me a happy birthday last August by email to which I did not respond. Her birthday was a few days after mine which I ignored and did not make any contact.

Few weeks ago, I was in a social event invited by one of her male friends. I saw her in the event after my arrival. She was looking at me from the corner of her eye while in a group of friends. Even though we were only five feet away in different groups, I never made any communication with her. Her friend (who had invited me) went over to talk to her as a social gesture. He said that she was by herself. She left after some time while I stayed intermingling with new friends for three hours. All the time I had known her, there never was a time when I had seen her leaving so early as she is a social butterfly. There were times in few parties when she will walk naked around the block late in the night with some of the party attendees. I must add that she was the only woman to do that in those gatherings.

I don't know if she was a BPD sufferer but reading from the experiences here, it is safe to believe that she did.

[RoyalTiger]

(I had posted it in the wrong forum earlier by mistake.)

As a new kid on the block here, I feel it is appropriate to introduce myself and my personal interfacing with BPD  (through now ex-girlfriend).

I am 41 and she was 44. We have been together for over three years that saw many inconsistencies in her statements i.e., lies. I believe they were deliberate because later on when I was breaking up with her she said that they were to impress me. She acknowledged to have built walls around her while growing up.

Since February this year, I began to notice some changes in her behavior. These included being not as much available as well as undeserved personal attacks or insults. I addressed these hurtful gestures but she either did not acknowledge them or justified them by being too tied up with her responsibilities as single parent. I left it at that but my gut feeling was telling me that something was amiss.

So one day, I took the risk and accused her of cheating. Telling her that I know the facts and just wanted to hear them from her mouth. She was silent for about five minutes staring cold in my eyes as if she was trying to read whether I was bluffing. I can tell you that her stare at that time was so scary. When I reiterated my question, she divulged that she was seeing a 57-year-old guy and they had sex a week ago. I emphatically said that that was not true and held my ground. This time she changed her stance and confessed that she had been sleeping with him since late February this year. Hearing this, I was very upset and called her a “___” and “scumbag” who lacks complete moral and ethical sanctity of a monogamous relationship. I was never physically violent but verbally angry.

The irony is during all these months (when my intuition was uncomfortable), she accused me of having sex with other women which was not true. During the same period I had asked her many times if she was seeing anyone. And I even suggested that if she was then she should let me go and pursue whoever. Every single time that I asked this question, she affirmed her fidelity and love to me. Even saying that it was insulting to her being asked such a question.

She moved in with the guy, after our break-up. I don't know if they are together but I do wish her all the happiness in this world.

I must add that during our relationship together, she had been the most convincing liar and most manipulative person ever. If you did not know the facts, she could easily sway you to her stance. If it meant misquoting her own kids, she would do it in a heartbeat as long as it served her intentions. Even after our break-up, she accused me of hurting the relationship instead of her.

We broke up three months ago and since then I have been in complete no contact with her. She wished me a happy birthday last August by email to which I did not respond. Her birthday was a few days after mine which I ignored and did not make any contact.

Few weeks ago, I was in a social event invited by one of her male friends. I saw her in the event after my arrival. She was looking at me from the corner of her eye while in a group of friends. Even though we were only five feet away in different groups, I never made any communication with her. Her friend (who had invited me) went over to talk to her as a social gesture. He said that she was by herself. She left after some time while I stayed intermingling with new friends for three hours. All the time I had known her, there never was a time when I had seen her leaving so early as she is a social butterfly. There were times in few parties when she will walk naked around the block late in the night with some of the party attendees. I must add that she was the only woman to do that in those gatherings.

I don't know if she was a BPD sufferer but reading from the experiences here, it is safe to believe that she did.

[Aussie0zborn]

It is hard to gauge if she displays enough BPD traits to be suspected of having BPD. If not, she is a certainly a lying cheat and maybe that's all there is to it. How many of the nine BPD traits did she display?

I joined this forum and read up on BPD so that I could understand her (and myself for allowing the abuse) and am satisfied that she exhibited 9 out of 9 BPD traits. I spent a lot of late nights reading everything here. I could have been doing better things like sleeping and waking up refreshed the next day or going out and re-building friendships that had been left  aside.

My words of wisdom would be... .don't spend too much time on it. Learn what you need to know, accept it and move on.  Good luck.

[RoyalTiger]

How many of the nine BPD traits did she display?

Seven.

[goldylamont]

RoyalTiger, this sounds like so many other stories on here. Cheating and betrayal is a very tough thing to process. You seemed to have handled yourself really well the last time you saw your ex. You were able to stand your ground whilst not creating or reacting to any drama--this is really, really good.

I'd like to know what questions do you have, just off the top of your head? There's no wrong question. Are there some things about BPD that you want more clarification on? I would imagine you are also having lots of thoughts/emotions post-breakup. How are you feeling in this regard?

Looking forward to hearing more... .

[fred6]

RoyalTiger, this sounds like so many other stories on here. Cheating and betrayal is a very tough thing to process. You seemed to have handled yourself really well the last time you saw your ex. You were able to stand your ground whilst not creating or reacting to any drama--this is really, really good.

I'd like to know what questions do you have, just off the top of your head? There's no wrong question. Are there some things about BPD that you want more clarification on? I would imagine you are also having lots of thoughts/emotions post-breakup. How are you feeling in this regard?

Looking forward to hearing more... .

To expand upon goldylamont's post. Learn about BPD and read the member stories around here, there are plenty to read about. Learn the patterns and cycles. I don't know if my ex actually has BPD but I know there is something mentally or emotionally wrong with her. From reading about BPD traits and reviewing my FOO, hell I may BPD. But I also know that this is a common thing with nons so I try to give myself the benefit of the doubt. She cheated on you. You don't need someone like that in your life whether she's BPD or not. Mine cheated on me too and I don't need that $hit in my life. How can you ever trust her again? It's over and will never work out. You'll never trust her or look at her the same way again.

In the words of my uxBPD, "I hate cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater"(projection?). My reply now after the fact is, "yes you are!" There's my dose of reality to live with. Stay NC... .