BPD Sex and Multiple Sexual Partners

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

There was a good post here about BPD's going to online porn sites to masturbate home alone. No intimacy, no human contact. Makes sense.

But then again... .Many do have real sex hookups... .Just for the sex.

My question is this:

Are the sexual hookups with just one person or have they been know to engage in multiple partners all at one. Basically, a three way or an orgy ?

Is it about... .Sex, fantasy, adventure or just release ?

FYI... .I don't think my ex BPD engaged in multiple partners at once... .But then again... .who knows !

[In Pain]

There was a good post here about BPD's going to online porn sites to masturbate home alone. No intimacy, no human contact. Makes sense.

But then again... .Many do have real sex hookups... .Just for the sex.

My question is this:

Are the sexual hookups with just one person or have they been know to engage in multiple partners all at one. Basically, a three way or an orgy ?

Is it about... .Sex, fantasy, adventure or just release ?

FYI... .I don't think my ex BPD engaged in multiple partners at once... .But then again... .who knows !

[camuse]

I can only speak of my own experience, but mine said she had had only 1-on-1s and had had about 100 partners. I suspect it was actually more than 100, she was 29.

She was very keen to have orgies with me, but I suspect this was simply to get her hands on a new shiny sexual toy, and I would have had little part in it

She cared little about the gender, age, looks etc - as long as it was someone able to give her an orgasm without any intimacy, that was what she wanted.

[In Pain]

Another question:

Gender

Are most BPD's bisexual ?

Mine said she only likes guys... .But then again... .Her mouth was moving so who know the truth !

[camuse]

I do not know the answer to that, but I think their sexuality is complex. I think mine probably wasn't really attracted to anyone, so it didn't matter if the person had boobs or a dong, as long as they supplied what she needed at that time. She seemed to relate sexually to each gender in a different way - men were to dominate her, while she wanted to dominate and even hurt women. The common factor was the domination of a woman - all her sexual tastes surrounded women being dominated, abused, raped etc. I don't fully understand it. I think she wanted to feel greater pain than her emotional pain, or to project that onto another woman or witness it, or something like that. Very complicated.

But ultimately, the person or gender was secondary.

[RedDove]

I can only speak about my ex BPDbf. In the beginning (idealization) he was highly sexual. We'd go camping and we'd have sex before bed, in the middle of the night, and the morning. After that it dwindled to once a week and only on the weekends. I don't know if he watched porn. I actually mentioned watching a porn together once and he seemed disgusted and shocked by my suggestion. But, the closer we got, or rather "I" got emotionally, the more issues he began experiencing (meaning ED). He was late 40's, but there were no issues in the beginning.

Early in the relationship he told me he had a three-way with a friend and the friends wife. So I admitted to having a sorta threesome in college. He was appalled at me! Retracted the story about his three way, saying he made it up! Then he held what I revealed against me for the entire relationship/encounter. Saying he couldn't get over that little "innocent" RedDove from high school had been in a 3 way. Mind you it wasn't what you think. My boyfriend in college sent his friend into a dark bedroom to play a joke on me. My boyfriend passed out after we had sex and didn't know that it would go that far.

After I ended the encounter with my ex BPDbf, I met his best friends ex gf for a drink. She revealed a lot of things to me about my ex BPDbf. She said he's always been a "two timer". Is always pursuing one woman, has one he's dumping, and has several lined up waiting on the bench. She said the expression was always ex BPDbf and "all" his women. I didn't tell her that I found out at the end of our 4 year encounter that he suffered from BPD.

I also found out he had a woman he bought firewood from for camping. The woman borrowed $50 from my ex BPDbf. She couldn't pay him back, so instead they went to a public park and she performed oral sex on him! That was likely the most disgusting thing I had ever heard. The worst part was, I thought he was this sweet, charming, sweet, innocent guy! Not! So, I was expected to be as "pure as the driven snow", whilst he's off in a public park with a skank. Again, horrid and disgusting!

I think they look for and take any warm body they can get to use for a high and to cover up the shame and anger and pain they live with every day. The OW he moved onto after me was a used looking, dirty blonde hag... .like on a scale of 1-10, she's maybe a 4! Not to brag, but I consider myself to be attractive and in good shape and a strong 7!

[clydegriffith]

Well, i think someone with BPD is much more likely than not to take part in an orgy or threeway.

I wouldn't say they have a specific need for it but more so if the opporutnity presented itself.

[Artisan]

I don't think a BPD would engage in an orgy or threesome UNLESS it was all about them. Too much jealousy, insecurity, and other things happening for the BPD to be in such an environment.

[Inside]

My xBP seemed to have run the gambit with regard to her sexual encounters.  Kissing her ‘best’ girl friend on the lips in front of me, then describing how they sleep in the same bed when visiting each other still leaves me queasy   “You’re so smooth!” was their undercover joke... . She was attracted to anyone, had bragged about a three-way and once playing with the pierced nipples of a stripper…  Seems the thing that kept her with guys was her small-town job-related need to look heterosexual.

She’d openly describe her years of masturbation, having named her mechanical friend, ‘Bob’ … I think she wore him out!  She’d point out every porn shop we’d pass, then I began to feel she only wanted me to buy her a new toy…

When I read about pwBPD’s gender confusion it simply ticked off another box for her condition.  But what seemed weird is that with all her filth talk amid friends, she really wasn’t all that ... talented.  Yet another lie?  

…while on the subject, during the heat of passion she’d occasionally give a look of fear or terror, nearly enough to shut me down... . I’ve never asked, but have wondered if that’s common for pwBPD during sex?  She’d not been abused, I’d asked (after discovering her BPD), so I don’t think that was a scary flashback.  

I think they look for and take any warm body they can get to use for a high and to cover up the shame and anger and pain they live with every day.

Agreed   

[Inside]

I don't think a BPD would engage in an orgy or threesome UNLESS it was all about them. Too much jealousy, insecurity, and other things happening for the BPD to be in such an environment. 

That sure rings true for all I’ve read about their behavior.  Mine so wanted me to herself that she seemed to have ‘turned’ on several women she’d been close to as their mere presence appeared a trigger... .

[lm911]

It is not about the sex, it is about the impulsive behaviour which means sleeping with someone without thinking about the consequences.

[clydegriffith]

It is not about the sex, it is about the impulsive behaviour which means sleeping with someone without thinking about the consequences.

Exactly! I used to say this to the BPDx all the time. That she was incapable of thinking more than 5 minutes into the future, if that.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

My exBP was a walking mass of contradictions too.

When I met him, (we were friends first for some time) he told me he had been single for ten years, since his last partner basically left him at the altar.

The one and only time in his life when he would have married I guess.

Since he was still stalking his ex on Facebook, I friended her, and found out the real reason she left him (at the altar so to speak), she said it was because he became so abusive in their last six months together, that she couldn't cope with it any longer. So she gave him an ultimatum with the help of her friends, (guess she didn't feel safe being alone with him) that he get help/counselling or the wedding was off.

BP moved out of her apartment and that was that, their 2 year relationship and planned wedding was all off.

To this day, and 4 years after being with me, he still talked about her often, and it was all her fault, she ripped him off etc, and of course he never admitted his part in things.

Here was another contradiction, once we started becoming involved, he told me he wasn't a 'casual sex' kind of guy, yet that was what he had been doing that whole ten years of being single. When he quizzed me how many partners I had had, (and I told him) I returned the question back on him, and he laughed and said 'OH, I don't know, maybe a 100'!

Yet every day for the whole time we were together, I got called the nastiest names and was accused of all kinds of disgusting lurid things, basically he used my past (as a single person) against me, yet I had had less partners than him!

I was also expected to drop any male friends I had before I met him, and if I had to talk to members of the opposite sex at work, he would stalk me and humiliate me in public, even if the male happened to be 70 years old, or was the local grocery shopkeeper!

He also liked to think he was 'above' the whole sex thing, yet at the same time, he could easily be really nasty to me, (revenge for some perceived 'wrong' I had unknowingly committed) and tell me that I wasn't 'wild enough in bed for him'.

Sex was never allowed to be initiated by me, (or at least rarely anyway), and if he was doing another victim act, he was 'too starving and homeless to have the energy to feel good enough to have sex'.

The reality was, that he was never starving and homeless, (only in his head). Since, if he wasn't staying at his elderly parents, or mine, he would be sleeping in his car. He always had a chance to live at mine, for free, and his parents, but his violent ways, and unstable mental health meant he was a danger to be around sadly.

His parents told me that he had been like this, for the past 13 years, I wish I had found all that out a lot sooner. But I allowed myself to get fooled with all his lies, (he knew he needed help and would eventually seek it etc).

No doubt, today, some other poor female will be being told about his evil ex, (me) and how he wasn't homeless until he met and became involved with me. I shudder to think.

[willtimeheal]

It is not about the sex, it is about the impulsive behaviour which means sleeping with someone without thinking about the consequences.

Exactly! I used to say this to the BPDx all the time. That she was incapable of thinking more than 5 minutes into the future, if that.

Their past, present, and future is built on fantasy and not reality. That's why when we nons start poking holes in the fantasy they can't take it and paint us black.  If their fantasy would ever crumple they could not handle the shame.

[going places]

There was a good post here about BPD's going to online porn sites to masturbate home alone. No intimacy, no human contact. Makes sense.

But then again... .Many do have real sex hookups... .Just for the sex.

My question is this:

Are the sexual hookups with just one person or have they been know to engage in multiple partners all at one. Basically, a three way or an orgy ?

Is it about... .Sex, fantasy, adventure or just release ?

FYI... .I don't think my ex BPD engaged in multiple partners at once... .But then again... .who knows !

In my humble opinion... .and based upon my experience:

It could be about memories of child-hood sexual abuse.

It could be because 'porn' was normal in the home. Dad had a hustler in the bathroom.

Marijuana is called 'the gateway drug'.

You start with something small, like pot, but then you get curious and for some folks they die with a needle stuck in their arm... .

Porn starts with the Sears catalog (now it's Victoria's Secret catalog).

And it goes on from there.

Porn re-wires the human brain. Causing chemicals in the brain to dump out of order, or chemials that are not supposed to dump... .dump. Either way, porn changes the way the brain reacts to sexual releases.

Porn is sickening and evil in my opinion.

It is insidious and destructive... .it twists and perverts people into monsters.

[Blimblam]

There was a good post here about BPD's going to online porn sites to masturbate home alone. No intimacy, no human contact. Makes sense.

But then again... .Many do have real sex hookups... .Just for the sex.

My question is this:

Are the sexual hookups with just one person or have they been know to engage in multiple partners all at one. Basically, a three way or an orgy ?

Is it about... .Sex, fantasy, adventure or just release ?

FYI... .I don't think my ex BPD engaged in multiple partners at once... .But then again... .who knows !

In my humble opinion... .and based upon my experience:

It could be about memories of child-hood sexual abuse.

It could be because 'porn' was normal in the home. Dad had a hustler in the bathroom.

Marijuana is called 'the gateway drug'.

You start with something small, like pot, but then you get curious and for some folks they die with a needle stuck in their arm... .

Porn starts with the Sears catalog (now it's Victoria's Secret catalog).

And it goes on from there.

Porn re-wires the human brain. Causing chemicals in the brain to dump out of order, or chemials that are not supposed to dump... .dump. Either way, porn changes the way the brain reacts to sexual releases.

Porn is sickening and evil in my opinion.

It is insidious and destructive... .it twists and perverts people into monsters.

You have inspired me to stop watching porn! Porn was probably one reason I found my ex so attractive. Like having my own personal pornstar and she looked like a pornstar too.

I hope it's ok if I make a no more porn thread as i feel my poem consumption was a major draw to my ex

[Climbmountains91]

Mines on a fetish site and goes to this fetish group thing in a pub every week where they talk about it and to make friends and whatever. Part of it is true when he says he only goes to make friends, meet new people because thats where he's met his "new supply of immature friends" from and his a very sociable person and also has a sick sense of humour so will laugh at some at the stuff but theres also a secret side of him which i found out, i thought his the most non sexual person I've ever met, cause he never wanted it much with me he was always to lazy and he never seemed interested when we talked about sexual stuff i thought i had something wrong with me, maybe i do but then i thought non of my ex partners were this disinterested with me about sex ! But now i find his picking girls up on nights out and things happen and he had a threesome the other week and seems very much into sex, even more so than my past partners which says a lot. so much different from the person i knew, the person he betrayed himself as. I still cant believe it. Makes me wonder if he cheated and thats why he didn't want it with me so much because he was already getting that fix, who knows!

Ive read its all about control with them, its never really about a deep connection because they cant have that, they don't know how to, again who knows.

[Tater tot]

Yes, mine acknowledged over 100 partners, and sex with multiple partners at a time. Basically got off on pleasing some else, thats how he felt he was "worthy". He stated that he didn't respect women (of course he told me I was the exception). It was obvious that he didn't experience intimacy during sex, there was no connection. As many partners as he had, he said he'd be happy with sex just once a month. They are walking contradictions.

[WhatTheFrank]

Mine admitted to having the train run on her.

Choo choo

[workinprogress]

My wife once told me how many guys she had been with after we were married, and I hope she was kidding. 

Then, some years later I was putting the moves on her sexually, and she said to me, "but you are my husband."

It's okay to sleep around and give oral sex freely, but I guess after you get married it stops. x2

[patientandclear]

The pattern seems so obvious to me: they may have a lot of sex, but not because they want it ... .Rather because they think they need to do that to please or keep the attention of a valued object.

My ex like many of yours was very sexually skilled, yet appeared very shy and hesitant; and expressed extreme ambivalence about sex generally (not with me, but that would no doubt have changed had we spent longer together). I think he felt obligated to engage in sex though he really didn't like it. He is a sex abuse survivor.

[peiper]

The pattern seems so obvious to me: they may have a lot of sex, but not because they want it ... .Rather because they think they need to do that to please or keep the attention of a valued object.

My ex like many of yours was very sexually skilled, yet appeared very shy and hesitant; and expressed extreme ambivalence about sex generally (not with me, but that would no doubt have changed had we spent longer together). I think he felt obligated to engage in sex though he really didn't like it. He is a sex abuse survivor.

I agree 100% . That could be one of the things that triggered her at the end. When she started playing her mind games I lost all desire to have sex. We probably hadn't had it in a month prior to the BU