S3, night terrors and separation anxiety.

[Mutt]

I'm going to go to an MD in regards to my son. I'm asking here because the doc won't understand his mom's sick. I don't feel comfortable with bringing up BPD because I may have to justify and defend that she's sick. I've learned if you bring up that a parent is mentally ill when you're divorces I get the feeling they think you're resentful and angry.

I've noticed my S3 this past month seems to be exhibiting separation anxiety. I can't be in a different room or different floor and he starts whining and gets anxious and follow me.

Before the split he didn't have night terrors. I believe this is caused because he's experiencing stress. A lot of changes, mom moves out with the kids, a new house. Dad isn't around anymore and there's a new man in the house almost immediately. I had unreasonable access with the kids for months and they were getting dumped on family, and friends on her side and sometimes up to two different homes in a day. All so she could be with bf.

What concerns me is that he had a night terror last night that lasted almost an hour in combination with this separation anxiety for the last month. Something's going on.

I understand its not easy in the kids with having to live in two separate homes. It seems like things were somewhat normal, calm and this sudden change.

Has anyone witnessed this with their toddler? It's enough concern to warrant a visit to the doctor's office on my time. I can't trust ex with this. I've brought concerns in the past and I get blamed for some other nonsense. Thanks.

[Mutt]

I forgot to mention. He's been crying a lot for mom. In the last 8 months I can recall a couple of times.

[Turkish]

I forgot to mention. He's been crying a lot for mom. In the last 8 months I can recall a couple of times.

What does D8 think about this? 3 is a bit old to be having object constancy issues suddenly. Considering things have been stable on your side for a while since you got proper custody time, I agree that something may have changed...

I remember S4 had one when he was 1, maybe close to two. His mom wasn't home. I almost called her for help. It scared me.

With inborn traits to consider, it could also be that he needs more validation than the other two.

[Mutt]

D8 hasn't said anything in regards to object constancy. She has mentioned ":)ad S3 cries for you at home sometimes"

That's what worries me is the inborn traits. I had this chalked up as mom not paying attention. Maybe she's working late and getting home and not spending time with them.

I know SD15's getting into a lot of trouble with mom and boyfriend. Could be negative attention spent there and not enough attention on them. Could be mom's is focused on the attachment but the honeymoon's over. I doubt it, she wants attention from him. Kids aren't saying there's terrible rails other than on SD15. It's D8 and me validating her, she says how she feels and it bothers her that her sister is getting yelled at. I recall what uBPDex is like and it's split black and unrelentless, it's Witch that's triggered. Above all, I'm speculating.

Things weren't perfect by all means but things were relatively calm since shared custody. It's so sudden, it feels like a step backward.

You can validate a 3 year old? I have been a little bit but I keep it real simple. Are you feeling sad S3? He'll answer yes or no and I notice he's a little better after.

I wish I could ask ex uBPDx how he's like over there but it'll trigger her. I know he gets mistreated because D8 is bothered and tells me. ":)ad bf is hard on S3, he doesn't think tantrums are normal, he yells at him a lot, he puts him in long time outs in his room" "he yells at everyone when mom's not home" Turkish, you and I both know toddlers.

It upsets me. I wish this guy wasn't so dysfunctional. He's terrible with kids. I understand he's never had any but it's not to say that he should be this bad. What the heck do you think you were getting into? This is family life.

If i ask her. it triggers bad feelings, then she dissociates and usually projects. It's pointless asking. So, I have to take care of it on my end. I have no qualms, it has to get done but it's the emotional abuse. Night terrors, object constancy are   's.

[Turkish]

I wish I knew the magic pill how to vaalidate a 3 year old. I'm trying with D2 and S4 (who is easily triggered). It sounds like it may be working a little with him. Do you follow up with, "why are you sad?"

Maybe he will open up about his mom's bf yelling at him. I sense S4 keeps stuff from me, and it's tough.

My take is that her bf is so off the rails that he likely is happy to see his mom when she's home. She's probably a safe haven for him from her bf, as messed up as that is.

[Mutt]

No, I don't ask him why. I'll try. You know. I think you're right. It's him. My ex isn't terrible when the kids were young. I had thought she was a good mother but it's not until SD was older and the harsh discipline and knowing what i know now it was Queen / Witch. My ex kept getting worse with SD.

Having said that, so far she's the black child. I have not seen her treat mine like she does her own. She's terrible with dropping the off sick at sitters daycare, lack of attention etc.

But I think it's him.

[Mutt]

I'll take him to the MD. I recall the conversation I had with an agent last year with child intervention services. He said to take the kids to the doctor. They're professionals and are trained  in detecting if injuries are abuse. I understand that there's nothing that I can do about this other than validate S3 at home. I don't think emotional abuse holds a candle for these services or the law. It's hard to prove and a case of he said she said. That's my interpretation.

I think it's important to have this on medical record for the day that I may need this for court or child intervention services. It's better to be safe than sorry. It's the only move I have.

[catclaw]

I'll take him to the MD. I recall the conversation I had with an agent last year with child intervention services. He said to take the kids to the doctor. They're professionals and are trained  in detecting if injuries are abuse. I understand that there's nothing that I can do about this other than validate S3 at home. I don't think emotional abuse holds a candle for these services or the law. It's hard to prove and a case of he said she said. That's my interpretation.

I think it's important to have this on medical record for the day that I may need this for court or child intervention services. It's better to be safe than sorry. It's the only move I have.

Sad but true  We're having similar issues with SS7 (both night terrors and separation anxiety after spending a week with BPDm). We did take him to a pediatrician for other reasons and we're glad we did so - he prescriped some concentration and social skills training, yet BPDm is upset because she doesn't think it is necessary ("you're only trying to diagnose him with whatever to make me look like a bad mother". He will get the training anyway, because DH feels it doesn't have to please her, it's for SS to get along with his life/ school/ peers. If she denies the therapy to him, we'll have it in written form and take our consequences.

If you feel it's the right way to help S3, just go for it. I wish you all the best

[Mutt]

Thanks catclaw. It puts it into perspective for me that this is happening on her time. I'm with your DH. He doesn't have to please her.

My ex did the something similar with the schools when my S5 was having issues in kindergarten. To make a long story short I thought my S5 may have slight autism. I spoke to the teacher in an interview in regards to my son. She agreed with me to have him tested. I went separate and I asked the teacher to inform my ex. I get an email from my ex " How dare you slag me to the teachers!" Fact is, it triggered feelings and she felt bad.

I did nothing of the sort. I didn't alienate or saying anything negative about her parenting. I kept the subject on my kid.

It's about taking care of things, the kids and their needs not what ex feels. It's having records in case of court. I hope your SS7 starts feeling better. I don't like seeing my son have night terrors and anxiety. I'll see what the MD says. I'm sure things will improve.

[livednlearned]

I understand not wanting to say that S3's mom is sick to the MD, but the doctor or nurse will hear what you're saying if you stick to facts. Just like in court, you describe the behaviors. Recent divorce, very high conflict, mom moved out, new BF quickly moved in, lots of stress for the kids. Just that alone will tell the story you want told. You are concerned that S3's night terrors are related and do they have any recommendations for next steps.

It would be great if we could just hand them a laminated card that says "other parent is BPD" so we don't have to explain.   

Your heart and focus is on S3, and that will come through. You are a loving dad, trying to build a supportive, safe scaffold for your son. If that is your focus, and your heart is in it, anything you say about your ex will be seen through that filter.

[catclaw]

what livednlearned said!

We experienced the same thing... Only telling about the 8 times he has moved in his 7 years, people tend to listen and ask for the reasons and how the situation was in detail. Just the facts and how the kiddo is behaving and how this affects HIM. If they're good, they'll make their connections.

[Mutt]

I understand not wanting to say that S3's mom is sick to the MD, but the doctor or nurse will hear what you're saying if you stick to facts. Just like in court, you describe the behaviors. Recent divorce, very high conflict, mom moved out, new BF quickly moved in, lots of stress for the kids. Just that alone will tell the story you want told. You are concerned that S3's night terrors are related and do they have any recommendations for next steps.

Just the facts and how the kiddo is behaving and how this affects HIM. If they're good, they'll make their connections.

Thank you both. You're both right. Sometimes it's hard and frustrating when you are following two stories at the same time.

One where people are not seeing the disorder and one where you see it plain as day.

Just the facts, ma'am.- Joe Friday

[livednlearned]

Thank you both. You're both right. Sometimes it's hard and frustrating when you are following two stories at the same time.

One where people are not seeing the disorder and one where you see it plain as day.

That's is so true.

I think court can create PTSD-type symptoms for lots of us. It's hard to think in healthy ways when you're always looking over your shoulder, worried about legal implications.