How do you deal with interlopers?

[Shelle]

Right now, I have plans to move in with my cousin who is more like an older sister along with her husband and two kids.  She is a very nurturing person and has been asking me to move in with her (a three-hour drive away from my home) for a while. This is really the only way springboard I have right now to start a better life.

While this situation is overall positive, she will not allow we to vent my true feelings about my passive-aggressive father and my narcissistic brother.  She, along with everyone on my fathers side of the family, refuses to hold my father accountable for the way he raised us kids.  While I know wholeheartedly that my uBPD mom was a major problem in my family, it makes me mad that my dad and his family have turned my mom into the scapegoat for ALL of my family's problems, particularly my dad's problems.

Maybe if any of you could tell me if you have had a similar situation and how you dealt with it, I might have some better insight.   

[Harri]

Hi Shelle.  I am glad you will have a mostly supportive person to help you out right now. 

I did not and still don't talk to people about how my mother and father was.  I never really did with family... .first, I was not close with them and second, I am not sure they would have believed me.  either way, I knew it would only put them in a position of either taking sides or humoring me and I did not want either from anyone.  I did say a few things to my brother, but it hurt him and he was not (and still is not) ready or willing to listen, so I don't talk about it.  It was hard but I realized my need/desire to talk with him about it was for my own need to control and get validation.  He was not willing to listen or hear it and I am not sure it was appropriate, given that he is still in denial, for me to even try.

I know this is not what you want to hear but(!) it sounds like your cousin really does not want to hear you talk badly about your father, no matter how you may phrase it.  Consider it a boundary that she has placed and respect it.  As frustrating and as unfair as it may be to your mom and as much as you may want to vent to your cousin, it sounds like this topic is off limits.  So I would suggest talking with her about other things and find someone else to talk about your father with.  You can always post here too.  We can listen, validate and support.   

[Shelle]

Thank you for your answer.  My situation is a bit complicated.  It was this cousin who told me and my sister about all of the things that my mother was doing behind our backs around the time my parents divorced.  My dad had told her family all about their business, while keeping it from us.

That being said, you are right that I should refrain from talking about it, because it would complicate the situation further.  If I am not ready to confront my dad and brother about their faults, I should either wait until I am ready, or just move on and shape my own life so that I don't have to be around them.

[funfunctional]

Hi Shelle,

Sounds like when it comes to your dad you need to find another resource for venting/talking.   Although I totally understand why you want to talk as you are trying to heal from the situation.   You are trying to make a connection on the "inside".     This cousin is not the right person.

I would enjoy the time with your cousin who has so gracially offered for you to move in with her family and bring some positive energy to that situation... .enjoy... .embrace & heal.     You can find outside resources -  friends/counselors... .etc. to help you with any talking or venting you need to do about dad/bro.    Then like you said maybe go to them directly.       

Also... .adult things and adults behavior that has nothing to do with "parenting" should really be left with the adults.   You don't need to know if your mom did something behind your dad's back or vice versa.   To me that is not what your own relationship with your parents is about.  Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!   

Best of luck to you!