starting again--teens and uBPD dad

[Go Fish]

Hello,

In over my head here, and would like some support. I live abroad with my uBPD/NPD h, with two teenage children. He has been travelling frequently and is well-behaved then, returns and trashes me, my family, my cooking, housekeeping, you name it. I take care of everything while he's gone, and as much as possible when he is here, but he says I do nothing.

The problem is that he encourages our kids to follow suit, and they have taken to turning on me too. I guess this is called parental alienation. Why should they clean up or help if he can call me lazy? Today I decided not to join them on a family outing, because these are now turning into 3 against 1, as he likes to say. How can I stop his alienation? We are co-parenting, not separated or divorced, and it's shocking that he seems to be successful in acting this way, considering that I took care of our children full time until we moved abroad, when he had to share more in the responsibilities because of language issues, etc. I have also discovered my own limitations in my mental health, his ability to push me into instability and insomnia. Unfortunately, counseling in English is too expensive and I don't have friends whom I could confide in, just acquaintances. I'll keep looking.

He has never been empathetic about the issues caused to me because of the moves for his job. I have a part-time job which is very difficult to advance in or expand because of bureaucratic issues, though they are happy to have me work full-time for nothing. I know the teenagers actually need my input, so leaving is not an option, and I can't support myself on my salary.  I used to try to stay with them for our plans as a family no matter what, but I've decided I must take breaks like this for my mental health, though I can't count on these improving his behavior. I've decided to post on this board because the parenting after the split doesn't apply since we are together. Thanks for any thoughts, whether you are a parent or not.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Your situation sounds really tough, Go Fish, and I can see why you are exhausted and frustrated and hurt by it all. It would do that to me, too, if my own Husband (he has BPD traits) used my kids against me or treated me disrespectfully in front of them. Luckily, he has never done that, so that hasn't been a situation I've had to deal with... .

Sometimes you really do need to put your own emotional needs over those of your family, so if you cannot go on this family outing for your own well-being, you should be able to sit that one out. Will your Husband be offended? Your kids? Will it make your relationship with them worse? Or, will it go smoothly and then you can take care of yourself and get stronger while they are away? How long will they be gone? Will this be a respite for you? What do you plan on doing during that time in order to gain some calm and well-being?

Although you cannot afford Therapy where you are, coming here and reading all you can (please check out every single link to the right-hand side of this page--you can read up during your "time off" from your family   ), and maybe checking out some books (we have some Book Reviews that can help) could start you on a journey to well-being. What books have you already read? Please tell us more of your situation, Go Fish... .We are here for you 

[Go Fish]

Thanks so much, RR. It was just a long day away from the family

and I wasn't sure whether it would help, but it did. I did things at my own pace and prepared for the work week, and took a walk. Enjoyed the quiet of the house. They were disappointed that I wasn't there, but I know I did the right thing. It seemed to break the cycle and he reset back to a better way of interacting. I don't want to be so dependent on his moods or his plans. I feel this storm has passed, and I thank you for acknowledging it. I'll look into the books. All the best to you.