not feeling ok

[antjs]

I have been back to my life for some time now. But thsre is one thing that i have noticed that is not good. I remember her consciously, talk about a random event with friends mentioning her where she was involved in that event. I think i am trying to normalize the thoughts of her which is partially good but sometimes too much of it sets me back and puts too much pressure on myself to progress forward. Yesterday i had a very vivid flashback of hers. It has left me feeling down since last night

[Deeno02]

I know. Me too. Especially vivid ones of her and the replacement. I don't know what to do.

[Recooperating]

I know exactly what you mean... .Its been tormenting me to lately.

I was taking a walk along the beach with my dad and I saw a flashback of how we used to play and hang out in the water. So much love... .I got a good visual and felt so bad! God I missed that! Then I figured... .Im going to treasure this memory, I am going to love this memory, we had a great time and thats a good thing. At least between fights abuse cheating drama and crap, we had amazing good times. Then in my mind I gave that memory a hug and thought... ."Thank you for the good memories, Im letting it go now... .Its ok."

It sounds really stupid, but it works for me. When ever I get a good memory flash back, Im allowing it to be there, loving the memory and then releasing it... ,

The bad memories aren't a problem for me, they give me strenght to stay NC! 

[Blimblam]

What is ok?

I think we attach concept "ok" with shame about how we feel.

When someone does something that crosses our boundary that behavior is "not ok." 

Let's face it the image of our ex attached to a part of ourself in iur unconcious the fear am love that lurked deep down. We felt the love then we got hurt and feel the fear and the fear and love are seperated by a body of pain and shame.

It's ok to think about your ex even if it hurts.

Waking up to reality is painful.

But ignorance is bliss.

"Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?" - cypher in the matrix

[Recooperating]

I meant its ok the way it is now. Im letting it go, maybe Im not fully there yet but Im on my way and that Im feeling sad is ok.

Ofcourse its not ok how they violated our boundaries, but didnt we also let them?

I cant change the past, what happened happened, but I can make a difference in my future. Not allowing that nonsense in my life any more.

I had great times with my exBPDbf, were they honest, sincere or pure? Maybe not for him, but for me they were. I'd like to remember the good times too, they happened, so they are allowed to be in my memory. I am allowed to look back with love and gratitude. I also remember the really really crappy times and they are in my memory to. I am just sick of being bitter and angry and sad. Im in the process of letting it all go. It is what it is. I wanna move on.

I realise that this experience brought me the greatest gift (in the worst way) the opportunity to reflect on myself. Without my exBPDbf I would still be the codep. person.

[FlyingAway]

Wow, Recooperating. I can really identify with what you said about this pain giving you the opportunity to reflect about your own issues. After only 2 days of NC, and what I believe is likely the end of a long (14 mos.) push-pull relationship with a BPD, who had split me black last summer, I understand that I need to work on my codependency issues. I've been doing that, which offers light and the possibility--with work--of healing, after so much darkness.

She found her replacement over a year ago, later vowed it was over, and recycled me for her convenience. Lovesick, I acquiesced and subsequently experienced the biggest depression of my life. She is back with him now, and I can't stop thinking about how she must be with him (sweet, kind, ever-so-interested in his ideas about life, his work, and his passions). I know it's wrong, but I hope it crashes and burns, and she feels the hurt I have for the past year.

I feel pain, loss, and grief right now, since when she was good, she was very good. My memories of the 6 years we had together are are painful stabs that arise unrelentingly throughout my days and nights. But I've been keeping a written journal inventory of the bad times, and it helps to remember those when I feel too sad about the good times. I'd like to look back with gratitude, but I can't see that day coming. The best I can hope for is indifference. Some day.

[willtimeheal]

I talked to my therapist about my exBPDgf constantly lurking in my thoughts and mind. He said at first I am going to have to make a conscious effort and push her out of my thoughts and mind. It will be difficult at first but as time goes on and the more I do it it will become automatic. But it takes time.

So when I start thing about her I tell her "get out of my head" and then a gust of wind blows her out. I find myself doing it a lot but I am hopeful it will get easier like my therapist said.

[antjs]

Reecoperating and everyone thanks for your replies. My situation is that i have been out of a 6 week old r/s with exBPD for 9 months now. 9 months have passed and i made good progress. It was a warning sign regarding my issues that i have mourned à 6 week old r/s for 5 months. It was like 6 weeks in heaven and i lost it. This experience is all taught to me in hindsight. I think i should not be here or thinking about her after 9 months have passed . I made progress and i appreciate it but i think i need to be stronger. I am doung well in my new life but the down hits me every now and then. Getting it less frequently and easier as time passes but i really want to get to the point where she is history in the long term memory.


Blimblam i know there is no standard for "ok" nor is there "shoulds" but thats too much. I am already past the point of being bored by the subject. It has been 2 months since i have stopped feeling pain about this cause it becam too borin . Nothing new. Facts are faced. She is leaving me to detach for good and she is never going to contact me again. So i dont know why i am still stuck. Yes a very minimal progress is needed to be completely healed but still feels like i am stuck for this small part.

[Blimblam]

The pains not about her. The pain is just there, we all have it it's what keeps everyone asleep. The same with boredom if a big company want to to lobby the govt to do messed up crap they just write it in language so boring to read it makes you want to shoot yourself. No one wants to feel bored or pain so we look outside ourselves to entertain and avoid facing that part of ourselves.