good and bad days

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been 10 days NC. Some days are good some days are bad. I find the weekends to be the most difficult. I don't know why. I was alone on the weekends when we were together and I am alone now that we are apart. I broke up with my ex BPDgf about a month and a half ago. She was very depressed and raged a lot at me and spent all of her time with her brother. She started to drink again and I soon realized she was seeing someone again behind my back. I just have more respect for myself than to be someone's door mat.

I spoke with her 10 days ago when she was justifying how wronged she was by the police when she got arrested or her second dwi. I asked her if she was going to take any responsibility and I got rage in return. I guess that's why it doesn't work out with BPDs and nons. Once I stopped being a doormat and an enabler and started holding her accountable she started to hate me. One of the last this she said to me was that her overwhelming love for me has turned into resentment. Why?  Because I asked to be respected?  Treated fairly?  Asked her to be accountable?

I feel in my heart and head that it is truly over. I have mixed feelings. On one end I am grateful for the madness to end. On the other end I miss her and am sad. My therapist told me she is not done with me yet. This makes me happy and scared. I miss her and love her but I know she is toxic and can never be trusted. I hope she does contact me and I hope she doesn't. Does this make sense?

Someone on this board's said that you should count a month for each year you were together and that should be your target for when you might begin to feel better. I work hard every day to push her out of my mind. It's suppose to get easier... .I hope so. No real meaning to this post just wanted to talk it out.

[willtimeheal]

I have been 10 days NC. Some days are good some days are bad. I find the weekends to be the most difficult. I don't know why. I was alone on the weekends when we were together and I am alone now that we are apart. I broke up with my ex BPDgf about a month and a half ago. She was very depressed and raged a lot at me and spent all of her time with her brother. She started to drink again and I soon realized she was seeing someone again behind my back. I just have more respect for myself than to be someone's door mat.

I spoke with her 10 days ago when she was justifying how wronged she was by the police when she got arrested or her second dwi. I asked her if she was going to take any responsibility and I got rage in return. I guess that's why it doesn't work out with BPDs and nons. Once I stopped being a doormat and an enabler and started holding her accountable she started to hate me. One of the last this she said to me was that her overwhelming love for me has turned into resentment. Why?  Because I asked to be respected?  Treated fairly?  Asked her to be accountable?

I feel in my heart and head that it is truly over. I have mixed feelings. On one end I am grateful for the madness to end. On the other end I miss her and am sad. My therapist told me she is not done with me yet. This makes me happy and scared. I miss her and love her but I know she is toxic and can never be trusted. I hope she does contact me and I hope she doesn't. Does this make sense?

Someone on this board's said that you should count a month for each year you were together and that should be your target for when you might begin to feel better. I work hard every day to push her out of my mind. It's suppose to get easier... .I hope so. No real meaning to this post just wanted to talk it out.

[fred6]

She ended our relationship back in late July but I didn't move out until late September. Except for one text, I've been NC for 4 weeks since Ive moved out. I kind of feel like you. It seems as though I'm waiting for the phone to ring or a text to come through from her. I know she's not going to. I know that it's best for me if she doesn't. But yet it seems like I'm living this fantasy by waiting for contact from her. I'm guessing that this is normal to some extent. And the longer time goes on and she doesn't contact me that this "waiting" feeling will subside. Guess I just have to wait it out.

On an off note, I was at the grocery store Friday and found myself grabbing my phone to see what she wanted me to cook for dinner. When I realized what I was doing, I was actually kind of shaken. Then I got mad because I realized that I did all the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. I was used and taken advantage of for 38 months. My ex is a POS... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi will-

Your post reminded me of a passage from an article on this site:

Essentially, what develops from the desire to merge, countered by the fear of such merger, is the borderline's need to be the one in control at all times. If the borderline is sure that they determine just how close or distant they stay within a relationship, they do not have to fear merger or abandonment because the other person does not have the power to accomplish either state with them. Unfortunately, being the one who is always in control precludes the possibility of finding real love since the borderline desires love and recognition of their true independence which has no worth if granted from someone who has no control over giving such love. If a person is literally starving, but has food, they can tell someone to give them their food, but they cannot truly feel like the one who gave them that food actually gave it because it was already theirs. Thus the borderline's controlling behavior also fails to give them any sense of sustenance even if it keeps them from complete starvation. The borderline must be vulnerable if there is to be any chance at true recognition of their independence. However, because they must try to be in control, any vulnerability they experience will most likely lead to more clinging, withdrawing, or rage.

[myself]

Once I stopped being a doormat and an enabler and started holding her accountable she started to hate me. One of the last this she said to me was that her overwhelming love for me has turned into resentment. Why?  Because I asked to be respected?  Treated fairly?  Asked her to be accountable?

You held a mirror up to her she doesn't want to look into. It's a kill the messenger kind of thing. She doesn't hate you, it's really herself she's most upset with. It was temporarily easier to deny, scapegoat, and run than deal with her real problems. As it plays out, she'll still choose to have bad patterns, but you won't. Mixed feelings are OK, you have a chance to sort them out. There's no schedule for detaching. You'll get there when you get there.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate everyone of them. There is peace in knowing that I am not alone in this.

Heeltoheal... .your reply reminded me about something he said to me once. We were talking about our relationship and I told her I was willing to go out on th  ledge for her. To take the risk. I asked her if she was willing to do the me for me. She responded that it is to vulnerable out there on the ledge.

I knew then but I held out hope.

Fred... .I did everything in our relationship too. The thing is I would have been ok with it if I was just appreciated and respected. I am hoping you are right that this waiting feeling will slowly go away.

Myself... .I hope I can continue with following good patterns. Thank you for the mixed feelings are ok. Sometimes I think I should just be over it since I was treated so poorly. You are right I will get there when I get there.

[fred6]

Fred... .I did everything in our relationship too. The thing is I would have been ok with it if I was just appreciated and respected. I am hoping you are right that this waiting feeling will slowly go away.

$hit man, I was ok with it. I guess looking back that I probably shouldn't have been. I mean it's my fault, I let her get away with not doing anything in the relationship and I still stayed around. I really didn't ask for anything but her honesty and faithfulness. In the end, I didn't even get that. The only thing that I can say that I got was 38 months of companionship with an emotionally detached individual. I added value to her life and I was summarily replaced and dismissed for it. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but things will get easier with time.

and liquor, hahaha... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Early in the relationship my ex said "the woman a man shares a bed with controls his world".  I knew it was crap at the time, and should have walked right away since she honestly thought that, but it wasn't until I'd left her and learned about BPD that I realized why she believed it: the way a borderline is wired they absolutely must be in control of the relationship, otherwise they risk being engulfed, losing themselves, or being abandoned, losing their partner, neither of which is acceptable.  Who would sign up for that?  Those of us who were naive regarding mental illnesses and relationships, and those of us who feel at home in that kind of arrangement, due to their own history.  Fortunately the pain drove me away relatively quickly... .

[Infern0]

Yeah prepare yourself for her attempting to break NC because it's very likely she will. It really gets to them when they realize that you don't want anything to do with them. They can't handle it.

Just work on getting yourself right.  Time does make things easier and you will settle down after a while. Stay active on here and figure out why you allowed yourself to get in this position,  I think that's the key to recovery,  if you can learn about yourself from it,  and make the changes to yourself to be a better and stronger person that's how you " beat" the BPD.

There's far too many victims out there who either lack the intelligence to work out what happened to them or just don't have the ability to find answers,  they end up conditioned.  Someone who went through the BPD rs process and never healed the wound will I'd say never have a healthy relationship.  They just won't be able to.

You can and will. Just do the self work.

[Infern0]

Early in the relationship my ex said "the woman a man shares a bed with controls his world".  I knew it was crap at the time, and should have walked right away since she honestly thought that, but it wasn't until I'd left her and learned about BPD that I realized why she believed it: the way a borderline is wired they absolutely must be in control of the relationship, otherwise they risk being engulfed, losing themselves, or being abandoned, losing their partner, neither of which is acceptable.  Who would sign up for that?  Those of us who were naive regarding mental illnesses and relationships, and those of us who feel at home in that kind of arrangement, due to their own history.  Fortunately the pain drove me away relatively quickly... .

Haha mine wanted me to become a house husband when we got married while she went out and worked. When it's perfectly obvious that she is incapable of doing a job more demanding than working part time in a record store (even that is like one of the trials of Hercules according to her) while my job pays me more than triple what she gets and my earning power is always going to be vastly superior to hers because I'm educated and,  well I'm just able to actually hold down a demanding job, when she as a low functioning borderline will never ever be able to.

But yeah,  hilarious dillusions of power on her part.  She lives in a fantasy world and has these visions of how her life is going to work out that are just absolutely stupid.

[willtimeheal]

I have been in therapy for two years. I do have an excellent therapist and have changed and grown so much. I think that is part of the reason she pushed me away. I got stronger and was no longer someone who she could control. She used to throw it in my face that she would leave me for a man... .we are both women.  Every time she cheated on me it was with a guy. Funny thing is when she pursued the relationship with me I had no desire to date a woman. But she pushed and pushed. I gave in and then she held leaving me for a man over my head the entire time we were together. Why even pursue me in the first place?  Why the effort? 

The hardest part is I miss the kids... .Her kids. And I know they miss me. I was the only stable balanced person in their life. I know they are not mine but I still miss them and wish I could be in their life... .even thou I know I can't.

I am starting to understand more and more that it is the disorder and not her. I find if I think about it this way I have an easier time processing the fact that she isn't going to get better. It's a disorder ... .it's hers for life... .She will not get better. I hope thinking about it this way helps give me the strength to move forward and detach completely.

[freedom33]

Prepare for a no contact breaking campaign bro. I have been NC for 9 weeks. The first two weeks she was ok - a few texts that was all. Weeks 3 and until last week she has done every imaginable and unimaginable act available. I had to block her from every social media on earth. She even created fakes profiles and this week she ambushed me outside my house... .I knew the 'ambush' was her last resort and was prepared for it. You got to be prepared and anticipate what will happen.

At the start of the NC period I was also hoping on one hand that she 'd contact me and was ambivalent about the whole thing. If she didn't it meant she didn't care at all. So in a way I am pleased that she did what she did and I successfully blocked. Speaking of blocking it is the toughest thing to do but once you do it once it gets easier with time.

But seriously 9 weeks NC and I am feeling great! The 1 year rs ---> 1 month break up rule of thumb for recovery seems to have worked for me. I was with her for just over a year.

Good luck

[willtimeheal]

Freedom... .She blocked me on FB. I defriended her as a way to move on. Then after her dwi when I didn't give her the support she wanted she totally blocked me. I believe it was to hurt me. Maybe it is for her so she can move on. But if you resent me so much why block me?  Why not just leave it at us being defriended?  I don't even begin to understand it.

I am prepared for her to reach out to me. Like I said I am scared if she does and scared if she doesn't. She has in the past gone over a month without contacting me so I really don't know what to expect.

We were together for six years so I am looking at 6 months... .uggh!  I can do it! 

[FlyingAway]

Willtimeheal, You and I are in very similar situations. Mine blocked me last summer, but I tried to hold on to the relationship, even after she had a physical relationship with a man who flattered her newly emerging image of herself (she was pursuing a dream "lifestyle" change). Our relationship lasted 6 years too. I'm in the early days of NC, following almost a year of intense struggle, much abuse on her part, and unbelievable pain and suffering on mine. I finally "killed" it a few days ago, after she called me wanting to talk about how much she was going to miss her new bf after she moves to a different location to work for a few months.

Good moments, and many more bad moments for me. I'll feel lucky if I can get through 6 months of NC and get that much closer to the indifferent stage.

[fred6]

Yeah prepare yourself for her attempting to break NC because it's very likely she will. It really gets to them when they realize that you don't want anything to do with them. They can't handle it.

Prepare for a no contact breaking campaign bro.

Everyone says this around here. But honesty I don't think that I'll ever talk to my ex again. I won't initiate anything with her. But it kind of makes me sad that I'll never get that call. I know that I don't need it. But what makes some of them make contact and some just disappear forever? Mine never talks to any of her ex's that I know about. Her ex's are just on a list of "prior guys". Now I'm on that list.

Maybe she's not BPD, maybe I am. This $hit is crazy. Everyone saying that they always come back is messing with my head. Obviously, some of them have to just move on and go from guy to guy and their independence/shame/guilt prevents them from trying to recycle... .

[willtimeheal]

Flyingaway... .it's hard to believe we stayed as long as we did. I wanted so badly to believe that everything would work out. I wanted to believe she loved me as much as she said that I was willing to ignore all the lying abuse and cheating. So we both have to get to the six month mark... .we can do it... .we can make it to March.

Funny thing is as sad and blue as I get I do realize how much better my life is without her in it. I am no longer walking on eggshells, I am no longer worried about rages, I enjoy the time with my friends and family cuz I don't have to worry about her going crazy about me spending time with them. I don't have to worry about dealing with her being drunk or her dysfunctional family. My life is so much healthier and happier. But I still have bad days. We can do this.

[willtimeheal]

Yeah prepare yourself for her attempting to break NC because it's very likely she will. It really gets to them when they realize that you don't want anything to do with them. They can't handle it.

Prepare for a no contact breaking campaign bro.

Everyone says this around here. But honesty I don't think that I'll ever talk to my ex again. I won't initiate anything with her. But it kind of makes me sad that I'll never get that call. I know that I don't need it. But what makes some of them make contact and some just disappear forever? Mine never talks to any of her ex's that I know about. Her ex's are just on a list of "prior guys". Now I'm on that list.

Maybe she's not BPD, maybe I am. This $hit is crazy. Everyone saying that they always come back is messing with my head. Obviously, some of them have to just move on and go from guy to guy and their independence/shame/guilt prevents them from trying to recycle... .

Fred... .my therapist said she will most likely contact me again because she felt me attach to her. I didn't understand it at first but as he explained it I started to. I was the first person in her life that she could truly rely on. I was always there with anything she needed... .anything. She fully attached to me and honestly I fully attached to her and she felt it. That "feeling of attachment" is what keeps them coming back.

I guess ask yourself how strongly did she attach to you.  Maybe that will help.

[Infern0]

Fred,  be happy you don't have to deal with it mate,  it ain't nice.

There are reasons some of them don't recontact. Could be the break was really extreme,  could be that she finds new supply easily,  could be many reasons.

[fred6]

I guess ask yourself how strongly did she attach to you.  Maybe that will help.

Obviously not as strongly as I attached to her, which seems par for the course. However, she's just F'n gone. I guess that's a good thing. With everything I've read about BPD, I understand the process. But I still can't wrap my head around it. How can someone tell you "I love you" every day for 38 months and then won't even act like the care about you or give any closure. It's just nuts... .

[fred6]

Fred,  be happy you don't have to deal with it mate,  it ain't nice.

There are reasons some of them don't recontact. Could be the break was really extreme,  could be that she finds new supply easily,  could be many reasons.

You know, you're right. But just like everyone here, I just want to know that she gives a $hit about me to some extent. I have the feeling that if I died tomorrow that she wouldn't blink an eye. I know that after the way she treated me that I shouldn't care. But for some reason I do. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's happy. I can't "flip the switch" like that. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I'm trying to work on it. But there is nothing to work on. I'm just here... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I just want to know that she gives a $hit about me to some extent.

I can't "flip the switch" like that.

She can flip a switch like that because she has to.  Borderlines feel everything intensely, like the volume is turned up to 10 all the time, and in the beginning it was intensely good with you, until it was intensely bad, probably having nothing to do with you.  So if you were feeling things intensely your whole life, you'd find a way to shut it up somehow too; some borderlines off themselves because it's the only way left.

So focus on the part where you were the most awesome person in the world to her for a while, which you were.  Unfortunately it has to be temporary with someone with this disorder.  And enjoy that for what it was, discover what you did right and what you did wrong, and then go find someone who can sustainably reciprocate.  take care of you!

[willtimeheal]

I guess ask yourself how strongly did she attach to you.  Maybe that will help.

Obviously not as strongly as I attached to her, which seems par for the course. However, she's just F'n gone. I guess that's a good thing. With everything I've read about BPD, I understand the process. But I still can't wrap my head around it. How can someone tell you "I love you" every day for 38 months and then won't even act like the care about you or give any closure. It's just nuts... .

It is nuts Fred.  One of the last family things we did together was a concert. Her the kids and I all went to a concert. She text me the next day saying she loved me so much and I made her so happy, I was all she ever wanted.  And after that text I didn't hear from her for two weeks. I knew in my heart and mind a few weeks earlier she had started talking to some guy on FB. I knew during those silent two weeks she was chasing that. The night of the concert I was the love of her life the next day I was disposable.

[fred6]

I guess ask yourself how strongly did she attach to you.  Maybe that will help.

Obviously not as strongly as I attached to her, which seems par for the course. However, she's just F'n gone. I guess that's a good thing. With everything I've read about BPD, I understand the process. But I still can't wrap my head around it. How can someone tell you "I love you" every day for 38 months and then won't even act like the care about you or give any closure. It's just nuts... .

It is nuts Fred.  One of the last family things we did together was a concert. Her the kids and I all went to a concert. She text me the next day saying she loved me so much and I made her so happy, I was all she ever wanted.  And after that text I didn't hear from her for two weeks. I knew in my heart and mind a few weeks earlier she had started talking to some guy on FB. I knew during those silent two weeks she was chasing that. The night of the concert I was the love of her life the next day I was disposable.

Kind of the same deal here. I had Tesla tickets in Biloxi set up for July 17, it was a Thursday night. I got them 3-4 months before hand and she said that she wanted to go 3-4 months before hand. Then I planned for us go to New Orleans for the weekend. I spent $1500 on this trip pre paid. I knew she was cheating on me and I still took her on the trip. No thank you, no nothing.

[freedom33]

Freedom... .She blocked me on FB. I defriended her as a way to move on. Then after her dwi when I didn't give her the support she wanted she totally blocked me. I believe it was to hurt me. Maybe it is for her so she can move on. But if you resent me so much why block me?  Why not just leave it at us being defriended?  I don't even begin to understand it.

Same thing happened here Willtimeheal. I defriended her about half way through the relationship and broke up. She was using Facebook to play mind games with me and get me jealous. After an audacious incident where she posted something extremely provocative on my wall (talk about breaking fb boundaries) I defriended her. Then she blocked me the next day. There was no reason to do this since we were not friends but I think she felt hurt and completely ashamed that I defriended her - think about shame and revenge when it comes to BPD, same thing probably with yours - e.g. in this case her relationship status went from in a relationship ---> nothing and who knowns what picture she was portraying to her friends about us. And when she felt so hurt and ashamed she 'd do anything to hurt me back. So in her mind blocking was something. After a few weeks she unblocked me - probably either to stalk me or be open to the possibility I might want to be friends again. Although I went back together with her for a few months more, I never went back being fb friends.

Now when I broke up for good with her a couple of months ago and although we are still not friends in fb she sent me a fb message. That's when I had to block her. Eventually she tried everything and blocked her eventually from everything after each try. Whatsapp --> blocked, Skype --> blocked, instagram -->blocked, viber --> blocked. The more you keep strict NC the more relentlessly they will try and break it. Last week she camped outside my house and ambushed me while I was on my way out with a friend for a few drinks. In my case I really think this is almost it. I think there might be one more try but that's it. Freedom is here for Freedom33... .Good luck with the NC. It only gets better. Trust me! Life is good again. You can definitely do it!

[clydegriffith]

Early in the relationship my ex said "the woman a man shares a bed with controls his world".  I knew it was crap at the time, and should have walked right away since she honestly thought that, but it wasn't until I'd left her and learned about BPD that I realized why she believed it: the way a borderline is wired they absolutely must be in control of the relationship, otherwise they risk being engulfed, losing themselves, or being abandoned, losing their partner, neither of which is acceptable.  Who would sign up for that?  Those of us who were naive regarding mental illnesses and relationships, and those of us who feel at home in that kind of arrangement, due to their own history.  Fortunately the pain drove me away relatively quickly... .

Haha mine wanted me to become a house husband when we got married while she went out and worked. When it's perfectly obvious that she is incapable of doing a job more demanding than working part time in a record store (even that is like one of the trials of Hercules according to her) while my job pays me more than triple what she gets and my earning power is always going to be vastly superior to hers because I'm educated and,  well I'm just able to actually hold down a demanding job, when she as a low functioning borderline will never ever be able to.

But yeah,  hilarious dillusions of power on her part.  She lives in a fantasy world and has these visions of how her life is going to work out that are just absolutely stupid.

I can relate to this. In my situation, she wanted me to be a babysitter for her kids while she worked at a bar overnight. While she didn't succeed in getting me to this, she's got replacement #4 doing just that. She had to trap him by getting pregnant again but mission accomplished on her part. Countdown is on to the the inevitable disaster. I've got my popcorn ready

[willtimeheal]

Today was an up and down day. A friend said she ran into her  over the weekend and she was all giddy. She said she was enjoying the time off from work. I had to laugh at that. She is off work due to a dwi. The place of employment doesn't want her around. Once the case is settled she will lose her job. It blows my mind that she is so lost in her fantasy world that she thinks this is a vacation. 

I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. The fact that she is so oblivious to the charges against her and the fact that she will lose her job. It is frightening to me that this is how disconnected from reality someone with BPD is. The scarier part is I was involved with this person for six years and part of me misses her!  Day 11 NC. Staying strong! 

[willtimeheal]

On day 17 of NC. I have to say it's brutal. The past few days my mind has been all over the place. I miss her love her hate her. I wonder if she is thinking about me at all. I known the answer to that but I wonder. I wonder if there is truth to the rumors about a new person in her life. I am a mess.

What scares me is I begin to wonder if I am becoming like her?  I think about contacting the replacement and warning them that she is toxic. But the only reason I would do that is because then maybe she would want me again. And then I think I should look at her FB page or drive by her house... .this is not me. And I don't do it but it scares me that I have these thoughts. Am I a narcissist too?  Or is this normal in detaching?  I talking a lot about it in therapy and I am living and enjoy life but she is still in my mind interfering with my thoughts.

[FlyingAway]

Hang in there, Willtimeheal. Remember me? We're in very similar situations, after 6 year relationships with pwBPD's. It's been 8 days of NC for me, and I have the same feelings of love, hate, and missing. I've wondered myself if I don't share BPD traits with her, but I know I don't. I am strong. I am loving, and I've been loved and respected by my family and friends (some of whom I've had since I was a child).

I read in one of the workshops here that in the anger stage it's not uncommon to want retribution, and I've had fantasies about contacting her new bf and telling him her backstory, which she is conveniently hiding from everyone in her new life, thousands of miles away. But he'll figure it out eventually, though I can't help hoping that there's lots of pain involved, either on her part or his.

What keeps me hanging on here is the deep awareness that even if she did contact me, it would eventually be painful--even more painful than it has been over the last many months. It NEVER gets better. You are strong. You are loving, and you will have love again. Healthy love, which you deserve. Remember that.

[Hawk Ridge]

I get where you say you view the dysfunction (the dwi) and the response and are a bit stymied.  I watch how she is decompensating with my replacement and think I don't get it.   I arrogantly believe I am such a better fit but perhaps it was she served that purpose for me when she was mirroring.   Woke up in tears today. - 7 months and mostly better but the days that ate rough certainly are.  You mentioned you were wondering if she was thinking of you.  Do you believe she is?  When I was with my pwBPD, she mentioned her ex all the time.  She, at one point, mentioned she was resentful of the ghosts WE both brought in.  I thought it was interesting as I rarely mentioned my ex.  Projection is interesting.  Positive thoughts and prayers to you and I and all of us in our good and bad days.

[Lion Fire]

I'm 6 months out of the r/s and 122 days of NC (imposed by me)

NC was the true commitment by me to detach, grieve and move on. I'm happy to report that things do improve as time passes... .it has become slowly softer and life has started to open up again.

This too shall pass... .

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot and help get me through the days ... .good and bad. 

Hawk... .I don't know if she is thinking about me. I would like to believe she misses me and thinks about me but I doubt it. She will tell common friends hat she is so happy and life is so great but I remember her telling me a year ago when we recycled that she "wasn't about to admit to these people that she was miserable."  So she told them how great life was but she was miserable. So who knows.

I do know that my quality of life improves when we are not together. No more egg shells no more worrying and I can focus on the things I enjoy. I actually get to live and have a life instead of every second being focused on her and her needs. Even though I know this I still wonder and wish at times. I am hopeful as time passes it will get better.