good and bad days

[freedom33]

Hang in there Bro. Give it 8 weeks strict NC and start taking care of yourself. Just little things. Doesnt have to be big. The gesture to yourself counts. Make a schedule to go for a 5 min run every morning or 10 min meditation in the evening. Whatever - just something for you and then celebrate yourself. I guaranteee you will feel differently in 8 weeks. If it doesnt work you can always go back to her or into worrying or whatever else is available.

[willtimeheal]

Day 19 NC. I have been taking care of myself. I have started running again and I joined a new fitness program at the gym. I look better than I ever have and physically I feel strong. Emotionally I go between sad and ok. I will get there. Like you guys all said these are the hardest weeks to push through. I need to remember the quality of my life has improved dramatically. I need to stay focused on me and push through. Thanks everyone.

[willtimeheal]

A little confused today. She is posting all these quotes on FB that she has found Henderson of her dreams... .the one. Ya all know  the drill the replacement. Known him for two months and know chairperson is the one. Not to long ago I was the one. Anyways. She posted that and then two hours later I get a text saying "sometimes I miss you more"  What does that mean?  I haven't mentioned her name to anyone. I am not on FB. She has no idea how I feel no didn't respond and don't plan on it. I am on day 19 of NC and I am doing what is best for me. These frickin people have nerve.

[Deeno02]

A little confused today. She is posting all these quotes on FB that she has found Henderson of her dreams... .the one. Ya all know  the drill the replacement. Known him for two months and know chairperson is the one. Not to long ago I was the one. Anyways. She posted that and then two hours later I get a text saying "sometimes I miss you more"  What does that mean?  I haven't mentioned her name to anyone. I am not on FB. She has no idea how I feel no didn't respond and don't plan on it. I am on day 19 of NC and I am doing what is best for me. These frickin people have nerve.

NC IS THE BEST! Delete her number, block her.

[Raybo48]

The weekends are harder for me specifically because I envision her with another guy in my head.  During the week that's likely not going to happen because she works into the evening.  It's a crazy quirk in my head, but that's why the weekends are harder for me.

[Deeno02]

The weekends are harder for me specifically because I envision her with another guy in my head.  During the week that's likely not going to happen because she works into the evening.  It's a crazy quirk in my head, but that's why the weekends are harder for me.

Ruminations.  They suck horribly. Getting better though. They will for you too.

[Raybo48]

That's good to know because they do suck horribly.   I'm only on day 1 of NC because we exchanged a couple of texts yesterday after going NC for a couple weeks.  I'm usually the one staying NC and she's usually the one contacting me either when she's just getting sober from one of her drinking binges or when she doesn't have a lot of narcissistic supply at any given time.   I just to not bite when she contacts me next time with her expressions of love and missing me... .Same song, same dance, same outcome if I give her the slightest bit of rejection.   I get turned from white to black in an instant... .then the cycle starts all over again.

[Deeno02]

That's good to know because they do suck horribly.   I'm only on day 1 of NC because we exchanged a couple of texts yesterday after going NC for a couple weeks.  I'm usually the one staying NC and she's usually the one contacting me either when she's just getting sober from one of her drinking binges or when she doesn't have a lot of narcissistic supply at any given time.   I just to not bite when she contacts me next time with her expressions of love and missing me... .Same song, same dance, same outcome if I give her the slightest bit of rejection.   I get turned from white to black in an instant... .then the cycle starts all over again.

Block her on everything dude. I did. Everything. Im trying to get strong before I do run into her as she coaches her and my sons volleyball team. Our boys are friends so some complications there... .

[willtimeheal]

Ok so today I was  talking to my friend and I told her about the text I received yesterday from my ex... .I did not respond. Then later that night I received another text from a number incident recognize. It was from my ex... .It said hey here is my new number.  Why would I want her number?  I didn't respond.

Anyways while talking to my friend she said that my ex was still texting friends today from her old number. None of them have heard anything about a new number. What gives?  Any thoughts?  I do have to say my anxiety level is very high right now. My ex was arrested for a second dwi and in some how feel I am being played with or set up. She is apparently very happy with a new supply. Why can't she just leave me be. I hate this feeling.

[Raybo48]

A burner phone or the text for free app you can get on your Android or IPhone.  You get to pick the number on text for free.  You should call it from another number and see if VM is set up.  If not it will say it's a text for free number.

[willtimeheal]

So Wednesday I got another text from my ex. It amazing how talented she is at the art of manipulation. If she put in as much time into fixing and working on herself that she does in manipulating others she might actually have a chance at a decent life.

Anyways she asked me to recommend a good oncologist because hers moved... .I suppose that is to make me believe she is ill. Then she stated that she knows I hate her... .I guess I was suppose to respond that I love her. And the final hit she wouldn't ask but she just wants to make sure she is her for her children... .playing the children card since she knows how much I love them. I didn't respond. And about 20 minutes after I didn't respond I got another text saying she found her old oncologist so never mind... .wow. that's all I can say... .wow.

[Deeno02]

So Wednesday I got another text from my ex. It amazing how talented she is at the art of manipulation. If she put in as much time into fixing and working on herself that she does in manipulating others she might actually have a chance at a decent life.

Anyways she asked me to recommend a good oncologist because hers moved... .I suppose that is to make me believe she is ill. Then she stated that she knows I hate her... .I guess I was suppose to respond that I love her. And the final hit she wouldn't ask but she just wants to make sure she is her for her children... .playing the children card since she knows how much I love them. I didn't respond. And about 20 minutes after I didn't respond I got another text saying she found her old oncologist so never mind... .wow. that's all I can say... .wow.

I should be thankful mine doesnt contact me. I wish I could have one more kind word with her, but I dont think it would be a kind word. Infact it would be so counterproductive,  bad idea...

[willtimeheal]

Today is day 30 of NC and it is a tough one. I find myself crying and missing her a lot. I made the major mistake of looking on her FB page. And while there is no replacement that I know of she had a post of how family was so wonderful last night and she spent it with the people who were with her at her lowest. It really bothered me. She recently got a dwi and she had already left me. So no I didn't bail her out. So I was considered not there for her. But her dysfunctional family said she did nothing wrong. The the cop was a jerk... .hello your an alcoholic and got caught!

Anyways the post hurt. We were together six years and I was always there. Thru all the lies cheating breakdowns suicide attempts arrests alcoholic rages abuse and all the hate. Went to all the kids games, tucked them in, held them and her when they were sick or sad. But yet that isn't even felt by her. She doesnt even know I exist. That was like knives straight thru the heart. To know her brother is getting all this praise when he is a huge reason we are apart ... .he couldn't handle we were both women... .he made her choose me or him. If he really loved her he would have given her a chance and her kids a chance for a decent non abusive life. But he couldn't handle being left in that dysfunction alone. No really reason for this post except to vent. Just real sad and lonely today. I miss my family. Hard day in recovery.

[freedom33]

I feel your pain. Weeks 4-6 of NC were probably the toughest for me and around that time I have also done the mistake of looking at her Instagram then and although I didn't see anything triggering just the photos there they were triggerring. It must be a tough situation the one you are in right now. But at the same time you have done extremely well keeping NC and I sense you are already reaping the benefits from that. Keep strong and away and things will get better. Almost 3 months NC here and I am reborn. Good luck. You will be fine!

[willtimeheal]

Well she posted a picture of her and her new boyfriend on FB last night. Funny I wonder if he knows she was a lesbian.  I have to say I got a rush of emotion and then the first thing thru my head was... .I am glad it is not me. 

Don't get me wrong I cried and was upset but it was like I was finally able to say to myself... .I am done!  I have mixed emotions now. I go from relief to anger to sadness. I am sure I will cycle thru them over and over. I am lonely and empty. And at times I am like that poor soul... .he doesn't know what he is in for.  Then I switch to its not my problem. Then I am angry and like I hope she burns in hell.

Does this mean I am healing?  I just want to move on and be myself again. I want to let it all go. Today I shredded every card and letter she wrote me and I packed up all her gifts. I cleaned out and I just want her gone from my life.

[fromheeltoheal]

There's two schools of thought on Facebook: you can continue checking up on her until there's no emotional energy left, sounds like you're getting there, or you can eliminate the possibility of seeing anything she or he post, kind of like what you're doing with all the stuff she gave you, chucking it.  Whatever works.  I looked at my ex's page for about a week and saw post after post with veiled messages to me in them from her, with a cadre of fanboys liking and commenting, and it was clear I didn't need that in my life, so off she went.

Does this mean I am healing?

I say we're either healing or we're repressing; if you're feeling strong emotions you're healing, and the point is to feel them all the way.  Plus, negative emotions are what pain leaving feels like.

Take care of you!

[willtimeheal]

Thanks heal... .

I blocked her, her kids, and all her family members from FB. I think me seeing all of that on FB was enough to give me the push I needed... .to realized that I am done.  That I don't want to go back to that insanity.  That cycle.  That disorder. I am sure tomorrow or five minutes from now I might feel different but knowing she is feeding him the same sht she fed me makes me want to puke.  Knowing that she is having sex with him makes my stomach turn and I don't want to be near that dirty bitxh ever again.

[willtimeheal]

Ok so I said yesterday if she was happy it was ok... .today I feel a little different. I can't get her out of my head. My anxiety is thru the roof and I have been having trouble sleeping the last few weeks. So today I feel that if her and her replacement got hit by a bus... .I would be ok with that.

[willtimeheal]

All I have done this morning is cry. Day 32 and I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I know beating yourself up doesn't help but I am so angry at myself for allowing her back in and believing all the false promises. I am a fool and here I am alone and empty. What is wrong with me? 

[freedom33]

Nothing wrong with you buddy. You are going through this the best way you can. The pain right around the month mark is the worse from my experience. It will end and it will feel so much better. Hang in there.

[Raybo48]

All I have done this morning is cry. Day 32 and I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I know beating yourself up doesn't help but I am so angry at myself for allowing her back in and believing all the false promises. I am a fool and here I am alone and empty. What is wrong with me? 

Nothing is wrong with you.  We have all been there and you want to believe because you're feelings are authentic.  Unfortunately they are authentic for a person who has a disorder and they don't understand what authentic even means in the chaotic world inside their head.