Ended Things With BPD Woman, feel relieved but sad over loss of relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Lets see... .

Treat me special or else ( her favorite saying for when I did disagree on something)

You dont spend time with me ( I live four blocks from her in the same subdivison and Im raising 2 kids as well. Totally up front with her about that from the begining. Our sons are friends so its not like she didnt know that from the start) Plus, I didnt have 5 kids. 2 of whom played travel soccer(always gone), 1 in club volleyball (which she coached), High school volley ball(which she coached) and her own recreational Volleyball.

You dont show emotion (everytime I did, refer to treat me special or else)

As the r/s circled the drain... .

You dont buy me gifts (Umm, not sure where that came from, but I didnt argue it)

You didnt take me on vacation (told her I couldnt afford it because, as a divorced guy, Im stuck with all the debt so whatever extra I had, went to paying down debt so we could have a future)

you blamed your sex problem on me (that was a shock, as I never had one with her, or one at all)

you didnt fight for me(not sure where that came from when I was told 1. not to(When I told her I was going to fight for her, her response was,"where did I give any indication that I wanted you too?"

your unlovable(through her own son for gods sake, who, poor guy, was trying to work this out)

you are incapable of love (via text, no less)

Oh and, treat me special or else (resorted to her old favorite)

And calling my daughter, who loved her more than her own mother, a cock block, and in a final fit of rage, called my daughter my wife... .what the heck.

In any relationship theres room for improvement, but then theres relationships where you just cant do anything right in anyway, shape or form. From anger at serving her kids food, to anger for taking out the trash, to anger for trying to put a trash bag in the can, to anger for trying to help her straighten up a garage after a garage sale, to anger for making dinner for her and my kids, to anger for trying to help her with her kids schedules by being a damn taxi service, to anger for watching my son play football, I was cringing everytime I heard her text tone. But I was the bad guy... .whatever

[Deeno02]

Lets see... .

Treat me special or else ( her favorite saying for when I did disagree on something)

You dont spend time with me ( I live four blocks from her in the same subdivison and Im raising 2 kids as well. Totally up front with her about that from the begining. Our sons are friends so its not like she didnt know that from the start) Plus, I didnt have 5 kids. 2 of whom played travel soccer(always gone), 1 in club volleyball (which she coached), High school volley ball(which she coached) and her own recreational Volleyball.

You dont show emotion (everytime I did, refer to treat me special or else)

As the r/s circled the drain... .

You dont buy me gifts (Umm, not sure where that came from, but I didnt argue it)

You didnt take me on vacation (told her I couldnt afford it because, as a divorced guy, Im stuck with all the debt so whatever extra I had, went to paying down debt so we could have a future)

you blamed your sex problem on me (that was a shock, as I never had one with her, or one at all)

you didnt fight for me(not sure where that came from when I was told 1. not to(When I told her I was going to fight for her, her response was,"where did I give any indication that I wanted you too?"

your unlovable(through her own son for gods sake, who, poor guy, was trying to work this out)

you are incapable of love (via text, no less)

Oh and, treat me special or else (resorted to her old favorite)

And calling my daughter, who loved her more than her own mother, a cock block, and in a final fit of rage, called my daughter my wife... .what the heck.

In any relationship theres room for improvement, but then theres relationships where you just cant do anything right in anyway, shape or form. From anger at serving her kids food, to anger for taking out the trash, to anger for trying to put a trash bag in the can, to anger for trying to help her straighten up a garage after a garage sale, to anger for making dinner for her and my kids, to anger for trying to help her with her kids schedules by being a damn taxi service, to anger for watching my son play football, I was cringing everytime I heard her text tone. But I was the bad guy... .whatever

[Zeo500]

And during that rage I did put my tail between my legs and calmly apologize.  

The thing is all I did was tell a story, perhaps it was a mistake, I was just lost in a story.  But I didn't deserve the rage and having things verbally thrown in my face.  Things I confided in her with.

All she had to do was talk to me about it, I would have understood and still would have apologized.  

[Rifka]

Why is it important to mention anybody from your past having a crush on you when you are starting or in a new relationship with a new person? I'm not really understanding how anybody could feel this would help or feel good to the new person.

We all have past relationships, but while working on a new one, why talk about things that are not going to enhance the new one?

I would never talk to a new man that I liked about my male friends that have had or have crushes on me.

Maybe it's just me!

Well, this female friend is a current female friend.  I was telling her a story about her and how she had a crush on me and later a friend of mine.  I just thought it was an offhand story that lasted about 3 minutes.  And for the sake of argument if I was in the wrong couldn't she just have spoken to me about it rather than fly into a rage?

Hopefully soon you will feel better. She has problems that are hers alone. Let her deal with them, it's too new a relationship to put all that effort in and still have to walk on eggshells.

It was going to be worse to stay then to go. You really have saved yourself, try to keep going forward.

For myself I really think a lot about what from my past is important to discuss with somebody new when questioned. Everything at the right times, also why are they asking, is it out of concern or curiosity or is it to use against you at a later time. Somebody who freaks out or rages will throw anything they can in your face eventually. Why load them up?

I have learned a lot after being with my exBPDbf.

[Zeo500]

All this has been helpful.  Thanks everyone.

After the first tantrum/rage, I spoke to her and asked her that if I did or said anything that bothered her to please CALMLY tell me and I would listen and value her feeling.  She said OK, "it's just I get mad and it festers and I push people away from me."

And also when she told me that she walked out on first dates with men who had mentioned another woman or checked their text messages in front of her it scared me.  She told me this on the 2nd date and it made me wonder "when Will I do something that will want to make her walk away?"  Looking back I was emotionally scared.

I'll be ok, and I honestly wish her well.  It just wasn't working for me.  Talk to me, don't run away and yell.

[camuse]

Why do you feel guilt? You haven't really done anything to feel guilty for, so why do you feel that?

This is a good thing to ask yourself.

[Zeo500]

Why do you feel guilt? You haven't really done anything to feel guilty for, so why do you feel that?

This is a good thing to ask yourself.

That's a good question.  I'm trying to figure it out.  Maybe it's not even guilt, maybe I just feel bad it didn't work out.  I don't know.

She did many nice things for me, like take me out for a well planned birthday.  I told her she didn't have to, and that if she really wanted to do something for me we could have done something simple (which is more my speed anyway), but she insisted.  And I knew she did care about me, I just don't think she could help some of her issues.  So when I ended it I just felt bad for her, me, the whole situation.

I guess this is why I joined this board.  Maybe guilt is a common feeling when ending it with someone with BPD (if she even has it).  Because I saw the good in her, not just towards me, but towards others.  That's why her tantrums really hurt, because they weren't necessary and actually pushed me away. It was almost like she was another person. I didn't want to be pushed away, I wanted to continue to develop the relationship, but all the issues mentioned in pervious posts pushed me away.  I knew this relationship  wasn't going to be healthy for me if it continued.

[camuse]

Thanks, this is quite an interesting insight into the early stages and emotions.

Why did she do these nice things for you? Because she liked you and wanted to make you feel happy? Yet she didn't care about making you feel rubbish with her tantrums. So did she really care if you were happy or not?

Or were the nice things in fact highly manipulative, to invoke the feelings that are making you feel bad about abandoning her?  I.e. to make it harder for you to get away and more likely that you would tolerate her bad behavior. Were they the beginning of a complex, abusive push/pull process of splitting and control?

I wonder what would have happened if the nice things had continued for 6 months, and the tantrums only begun then? Would you have been able to end it so easily? How much would you have put up with?

Here I think we see how an abusive relationship of this nature takes its shape and why they continue.

It's worth analyzing your feelings about this breakup - the next one might be a little sharper, would you be able to protect yourself?

[Zeo500]

Thanks, this is quite an interesting insight into the early stages and emotions.

Why did she do these nice things for you? Because she liked you and wanted to make you feel happy? Yet she didn't care about making you feel rubbish with her tantrums. So did she really care if you were happy or not?

Or were the nice things in fact highly manipulative, to invoke the feelings that are making you feel bad about abandoning her?  I.e. to make it harder for you to get away and more likely that you would tolerate her bad behavior. Were they the beginning of a complex, abusive push/pull process of splitting and control?

I wonder what would have happened if the nice things had continued for 6 months, and the tantrums only begun then? Would you have been able to end it so easily? How much would you have put up with?

Here I think we see how an abusive relationship of this nature takes its shape and why they continue.

It's worth analyzing your feelings about this breakup - the next one might be a little sharper, would you be able to protect yourself?

You make some excellent points.  Thanks for the feedback.

I'll tell you something, I'll be more wary next time.  I think the relationship really ended after the 1st tantrum... .after that I was never really the same with her.  Most guys would have hung up the phone after she was done yelling at them (especially after only 2 weeks).  Next time I'll be more wary of red flags.  My Psychologist told me I gave her the benefit of the doubt for 2 months.  And I guess I did.  But after awhile I just finally listened to my gut and said "forget this."

[Zeo500]

I was thinking tonight at work that I think this woman has BPD.  One thing she did during her tantrums was break up with me. 

The 1st tantrum I got a text saying," I don't want to see you anymore.  You are not my type."

During the 2nd tantrum she said "My last bf, I kicked his ass out!" and "I'll go to the dancing classes alone, I don't care, I don't need you there (we were taking dancing lessons at the time)."

Both of these reactions over really minor issues that could have been dealt with in an adult way through dialogue.  I realized that I felt so uneasy because how could I continue a relationship with someone and feel emotionally safe when I had to be extremely careful with what I said because it would trigger an angry flight response?