Its got to be all his terms or nothing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Going through the push pull for months now.  BF has been unable to cope with much adult conversation since I found out he had been cheating... .it was like I was being punished for finding out, and he hasn't been able to really face it.  He constantly makes plans and cancels, wont text for days, then texts to see me, only to cancel by text and turn off his phone.  This happens habitually... .really absurd... .this was not our relationship at all for ten years.  He is impossible to reach, and almost never calls.  I had pretty much had it, and of course, he called and I explained to him that I realize that my problem has been that I have had expectations of dealing with our relationship meltdown with the "normal" guy I had loved ten years, but in reality, he had been MIA for 7 or 8 months, and had become a scared little boy in a big boy body.  He admitted that he is a total mess, and filled with regret.  He said he knows the push pull is insane, but he is filled with ambivalence and doesn't know which way to go from one minute to the next.  I asked if he could understand what a devastating impact this was having on me, and he said he could, but that he is suffering terribly as well.  I told him he was sick, not in an insulting way, and that he has BPD... .I am a therapist, so I think he trusted my impression.  He said he knows he is mentally unstable.

Here's the thing.  He said he wants to stop doing the push pull and ease back into a relationship, but he feels like he can't handle anything unless its on is terms.  It's all in his head, as I have been unable to ask for or coerce a thing from him... .not a text or a date... .it's always his intitative, and mostly he bales at the last minute.  He knows the last time he stood me up, I freaked out badly, so he asked what I needed to set another date to see him... .I commented that it was inconsequential what I needed, because whenever I put out an expecation, he cancels, and later says he couldn't handle the pressure.  He literally cannot handle ANYTHING. I had told him to confirm a meeting with me the night before by 9 PM due to multiple cancels... .he then cancelled becuaes of the pressure to call?  What the hell do you do with this?  Its incredible how self-absorbed pwBPD's can be... .he lies, cheats and hides for months, and then HE needs full control in order to ease back into the realtioship, as if he was victimized, and tossed aside with no warning after ten years of happinesss and comittment.  He acts terrified of being together, while telling me how he loves me like no other woman, and laments the hole in his heart... .he cheated and sabotaged... .and couldn't reconcile despite my willingness... .yet he sees himself as a victim of his own behavior.

[whtjusthappened]

Going through the push pull for months now.  BF has been unable to cope with much adult conversation since I found out he had been cheating... .it was like I was being punished for finding out, and he hasn't been able to really face it.  He constantly makes plans and cancels, wont text for days, then texts to see me, only to cancel by text and turn off his phone.  This happens habitually... .really absurd... .this was not our relationship at all for ten years.  He is impossible to reach, and almost never calls.  I had pretty much had it, and of course, he called and I explained to him that I realize that my problem has been that I have had expectations of dealing with our relationship meltdown with the "normal" guy I had loved ten years, but in reality, he had been MIA for 7 or 8 months, and had become a scared little boy in a big boy body.  He admitted that he is a total mess, and filled with regret.  He said he knows the push pull is insane, but he is filled with ambivalence and doesn't know which way to go from one minute to the next.  I asked if he could understand what a devastating impact this was having on me, and he said he could, but that he is suffering terribly as well.  I told him he was sick, not in an insulting way, and that he has BPD... .I am a therapist, so I think he trusted my impression.  He said he knows he is mentally unstable.

Here's the thing.  He said he wants to stop doing the push pull and ease back into a relationship, but he feels like he can't handle anything unless its on is terms.  It's all in his head, as I have been unable to ask for or coerce a thing from him... .not a text or a date... .it's always his intitative, and mostly he bales at the last minute.  He knows the last time he stood me up, I freaked out badly, so he asked what I needed to set another date to see him... .I commented that it was inconsequential what I needed, because whenever I put out an expecation, he cancels, and later says he couldn't handle the pressure.  He literally cannot handle ANYTHING. I had told him to confirm a meeting with me the night before by 9 PM due to multiple cancels... .he then cancelled becuaes of the pressure to call?  What the hell do you do with this?  Its incredible how self-absorbed pwBPD's can be... .he lies, cheats and hides for months, and then HE needs full control in order to ease back into the realtioship, as if he was victimized, and tossed aside with no warning after ten years of happinesss and comittment.  He acts terrified of being together, while telling me how he loves me like no other woman, and laments the hole in his heart... .he cheated and sabotaged... .and couldn't reconcile despite my willingness... .yet he sees himself as a victim of his own behavior.

[maxen]

you sound pretty angry, what the heck, and i certainly see why. my marriage ended on infidelity - well, not so much infidelity as my stbxw's aggressive refusal to acknowledge what she had done or its consequences on me, and her repeated mantra of how hard it all was on her. i've been rageful from time to time since then, so i understand. your description,

HE needs full control in order to ease back into the realtioship, as if he was victimized, and tossed aside with no warning after ten years of happinesss and comittment

pretty closely matches mine (she, and 7 years, and not always happy i guess i'd add).

however, if you're interested in continuing with him, does this sound like validating language?

BF has been unable to cope with much adult conversation ... .

I explained to him that [he] had become a scared little boy in a big boy body ... .

I told him he was sick, not in an insulting way ... .

even if he is being pusillanimous, i don't know that talk like that will help either of you to where either of you wants to be.

what's good about the r/s?

[whtjusthappened]

Honestly maxen, it was the conversation where I told him that I suspected he had BPD, and explained some of the symptoms, that was our most meaningful yet.  He said he felt better after we spoke, because he didn't understand what the Hell was going on with him, and that what I was saying at least sounded like it made some sense out of his crazy behavior.  It hasn't changed the fact that the next day he called and said he wants to try to meet and talk again, only to disappear again.  He knows the push/pull is horrible, but he continues to do it.  I have been a pillar of patience and understanding... .but I am a human being, not Mother Teresa.