Low impulse-control, contradictions, triangulation, smear campaigns and guilt

[misty_red]

It’s very long to read, but please, I need some help.

I’d been in a relationship with my exBPDgf only for two and a half month. I broke up with her because I thought we were both suffering from the relationship. So we remained friends, first with benefits, then she suddenly didn’t want this to be any more (classical triangulation thing: she met a gay guy she thought was very hot –funny though because he actually is gay).

When we were in the relationship it was difficult already. But she was not treating me badly. I got the silent treatment but it only took two days or something like that and after it she always talked with me and was very sweet. We even considered going back to being a couple maybe in a few months. As time went by she finally said she didn’t want to be with me anymore, then the triangulation thing happened. Her abusive ways only came out when being „friends“. There were often fights because of her weird behaviour. I never accused her of being rude, I never stroke below the belt or something. I was very sensitive with addressing her behaviour, I just wanted my boundaries not overstepped anymore. But everytime she made me feel like I was the one being abusive, told me I was not behaving like a true friend, was being impertinent (it really felt like she was talking to a little child), threatening me with „I don’t know if I can have the friendship with you anymore. I have to think about it. I need some time for myself.“ I always begged for her to come back, told her it was all my fault, that I was sorry etc. She always took me back. I also think she somehow at some point wanted to have sex with me even when she told me just some hours before she didn’t want to be friends with benefits anymore. It was so weird. We were out drinking, I had some mental break-down because she wanted me to tell her about my abusive childhood, so I talked about it and cried. She then told me „Wow, you’re so upset, you’re coming with me. I can’t leave you alone just like that.“ I took it as her caring for me as a friend. So I went home with her, layed myself down on her couch and she was just sitting next to the couch on a chair staring at me. So creepy. She didn’t say a thing. Sometimes she yawned so I told her to go to bed and that I would be fine, she simply said no, so I asked why and she said „Because.“. At some point we started tickling each other (it used to be some kind of foreplay when still together). I feel like she wanted me to make a move at having sex with her. But I didn’t because I didn’t understand at that time. I believed in her words hours before: „I won’t be making out with you anymore.“ And then the weirdest thing happened: out of the blue she suddenly kicked me with her foot at my ankle. It really hurt so I released a loud „Ouch“ and she was so terrified of her own behaviour. Was she mad at me for not making a move at her? Just two month later (now) I thought about it again: she wanted me to come with her that night, I think she really wanted to have sex OR she at least wanted me to make a move at her so she would have gotten some validation. Or am I reading too much into this? Anyway, so she suddenly rushed into bed an we never talked about it again.

One week later we were having a girl’s night out (I’m female and bisexual in case you’re wondering). With two other girls we went partying in a gay club when two guys approached each other from behind. They tried to push us into each other so we would be dancing together and stuff, but I didn’t want it because my exgf had told me before she didn’t want to make out with me anymore. So I respected that and went away. And then she just turned around and tickled the guy’s tonsils. I was so disgusted, I simply went to the other girls. Why would she do such a thing? Fine, we weren’t together anymore, but hello, you don’t do these things just right in front of your ex…

This was the last time we were being out as friends. A week later I got my final discard: I told her that I feel like she’s not very much into the friendship right now and that that’s fine but she just should tell me so we could stop it. Then she ranted „WOAH, I’ve told you before we aren’t friends right now…“ Right, she’d told me that some weeks before when all of the devaluation took place and I had to beg for her to come back BUT just the one night I was telling her about my abusive past and stuff I also told her that she someday would have to let me go and then she said „I will NEVER let you go. You are the most important person in my life and if you’re going apathetic I’ll make sure I’ll bombard you with hundreds of messages every day. I want you in my life.“ So I read that as us being in a friendship indeed. Anyway. She told me „Just because we are getting tanked up heavily doesn’t mean everything’s love, peace and harmony again. It didn’t mean anything.“ So I apologized again for interpreting her behaviour wrong, told her that then she should forget and let go of me – I really was ashamed and very sorry for her an I felt like I was the big idiot and therefore she should just let me fall because I was a monster… Then she started raging. At some point I said we should stop the friendship because we were hurting each other too much, then she turned it around, told me that she had enough and that it’s over – finally. „Leave me alone finally“ were her last words.

One week later I reached out via message once more because we were in the same sports team and I just told her that we should keep it civil in practice but by that time she was absent in practice and she also didn’t reply.

Six weeks later we saw each other again after this whole incident, I had been NC for six weeks. The first day in practice she seemed very calm, even submissive in some way, we didn’t talk but she seemed relaxed and very sweet and kind towards the team mates. I was acknowledging her only as a team mate, I passed balls at her but did not talk to her and never behaved like a friend anymore (remember SHE wanted me to leave her alone finally). So the second day in practice she started refusing to throw the ball at the goal (I’m the goalkeeper). First she let slip the ball on purpose or thew it next to the goal, then she simply refused. This remained for the next days in practice. But I don’t know if it really was a smear campaign/provoking a reaction out of me or not. She didn’t seem to enjoy doing it. She seemed very humiliated by doing that. She looked like an embarrassed child. I believe it was because of the following: she always told me even when still in the relationship that she hated throwing the ball to try to score a goal when I was standing in the goal and then the first day after being in NC for six weeks she first threw but didn’t score a goal because I blocked the balls. She seemed so humiliated. I think for her it felt like some game of power and control. So yeah, just right after that she didn’t even try to throw at the goal anymore. I also think it was because she realized I would not be reaching out to her an begging again – so it was a big game changer for her I guess. And just right after the first two days of practice she had some new cuts. Interesting because all of the time she didn’t cut herself but started again when the two of us were in practice together again. She even told me before the final discard happened that she could not self-harm anymore because of her soon-to-be new job. Of course I felt like it was my fault, like I caused this because of ignoring her so I reached out via message again. Told her I was being very sorry but that I had no other choice but to ignore her and that we could talk about it, but that I also would be okay when not talking about it and that I just wanted to know. Of course she didn’t reply. One week after she left the team because she wasn’t allowed to play a match due to tactical reasons. She told my coach she felt like the team didn’t even try to involve her anymore (which was true, but only because by the six weeks she’d been absent she didn’t give a single ___ about the team and didn’t even tell that she was being absent, nobody knew what was going on). She tried to put the blame on him (the exact things she used to do with me) but he refused to take the blame so she left. She’s still in our WhatsApp-group-chat though which she even hated when still being part of the team. It pisses me off big time so I don’t write in it anymore.

In December she’s leaving the town for good because she’s being transferred. I just want it to be December already but I guess even then I can’t be save. I’m afraid she might try to reach out at some point – I feel like she’s stalking me even now in staying in our group-chat. At the other hand I think she wouldn’t be the type of really reaching out or recycling. For her it was always about retaining power and not bowing down so I doubt she’ll be reaching out. I was always the one reaching out, initiating contact, she wouldn’t write on her own – even when being in the relationship. So the only possibility for being in contact again might be me breaking NC – which I won’t. This week is her birthday, I decided to not congratulate, maybe then she’ll get I won’t be around anymore. I hope so. Then I might be free. But then again: you can never be sure… Ugh. I hate this uncertainty.

Have you ever experienced such a behaviour in people? Does ist sound familiar? What was it all about? Can you see through it? And did I do some things wrong/am I the one to blame?