If you are wondering if the replacement is having a similar experience

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

this is an amazing summation of my relationship and post b/u feelings. thank you.

[pieceofme]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

this is an amazing summation of my relationship and post b/u feelings. thank you.

[blissful_camper]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

Oh wow.  I can so relate to that.  In the beginning, when a major drama in his life ended, I sighed with relief thinking "yay! home free! no more drama! we can have a peaceful life now."  Imagine how shocked I was when he manufactured another drama to replace the previous one, and then another, and another.  (Till I realized, "oh this is how he lives!"  

I too felt emotionally raped, and I wondered if I would ever be myself again.  That had me really worried.   I literally felt this blank space in my mind where I'd previously had faith in myself, humanity, the world.  Like something inside of me had died.  What you're describing ("... .this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way" is normal, and that part of you will bounce back, in a wiser form.  Hang in there, and have faith.  

[peiper]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

Oh wow.  I can so relate to that.  In the beginning, when a major drama in his life ended, I sighed with relief thinking "yay! home free! no more drama! we can have a peaceful life now."  Imagine how shocked I was when he manufactured another drama to replace the previous one, and then another, and another.  (Till I realized, "oh this is how he lives!"  

I too felt emotionally raped, and I wondered if I would ever be myself again.  That had me really worried.   I literally felt this blank space in my mind where I'd previously had faith in myself, humanity, the world.  Like something inside of me had died.  What you're describing ("... .this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way" is normal, and that part of you will bounce back, in a wiser form.  Hang in there, and have faith.  

I made the mistake just once of telling her she was addicted to drama, just once mind you.

[pieceofme]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

Oh wow.  I can so relate to that.  In the beginning, when a major drama in his life ended, I sighed with relief thinking "yay! home free! no more drama! we can have a peaceful life now."  Imagine how shocked I was when he manufactured another drama to replace the previous one, and then another, and another.  (Till I realized, "oh this is how he lives!"  

i had the EXACT same thoughts! i remember being exhausted, at first, by all the drama. i remember telling him it was too much - he had too much baggage, i couldn't take the drama EVERY day. without fail, it was ALWAYS something. then somehow i got addicted to it and it became my life, too.

[blissful_camper]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

Oh wow.  I can so relate to that.  In the beginning, when a major drama in his life ended, I sighed with relief thinking "yay! home free! no more drama! we can have a peaceful life now."  Imagine how shocked I was when he manufactured another drama to replace the previous one, and then another, and another.  (Till I realized, "oh this is how he lives!"  

I too felt emotionally raped, and I wondered if I would ever be myself again.  That had me really worried.   I literally felt this blank space in my mind where I'd previously had faith in myself, humanity, the world.  Like something inside of me had died.  What you're describing ("... .this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way" is normal, and that part of you will bounce back, in a wiser form.  Hang in there, and have faith.  

I made the mistake just once of telling her she was addicted to drama, just once mind you.

Oh dear. And her response?

I did something similar though I presented it as a question for him. (":)o you prefer drama over calm?" It was a question that he didn't have a canned response for, so not knowing what to say, he fell silent.

[imstronghere2]

That was the perfect description of the last 20 years of my life with my wife.  How was I so stupid as to let this happen to me?

We loved them.  That wasn't being stupid.   It was being a real, honest, decent human being.  I did 22 years.  We did the best we could. 

[Deeno02]

For those struggling with jealousy, know that there will come a day when you'll find yourself feeling thankful that it's not you in that r/s anymore. You'll gaze back from your bright new world thinking, "thank goodness that's not me anymore."

Your jealousy will pass. Till then, hang in there.

Thanks Bliss. Im not jealous per se, Im numb she moved so fast. Just days. If he doesnt see that, then hes stupid. Im just having the flashes picturing them together. Kills me.

[Caredverymuch]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

Really profound.  You clearly describe the push/pull dynamic we have all endured with a great degree of clearly stated poignancy. Just reading this post made me relive the emotions. Thank you in advance for reminding all of us why this r/s was so incredibly toxic and traumatic.  And how much we have endured . Hard is an understatement.  But, we still have the advantage and odds with us over pBPD to recover and be even better moving forward. 

[peiper]

Ever seen a cat get mad Bliss ?

[Duped11years]

These people are like politicians, they are frantic, one crisis after another. They keep you engaged all the time. On adrenaline, you are putting out fires as fast as they can be lit. Turmoil, make up, turmoil, make up, etc. You are constantly distracted and encapsulated to the single crisis, before moving on. You lose sight of the bigger picture through distraction. I'm going through this now. When I step back and view our relationship as a single chapter in my life, the enormity of the dysfunction, the complexity of the mind games, the depth of my codependent traits and how bad it really was, brings tears to my eyes. I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed. 

This one is getting saved... .perfectly summarized Anxiety5

[workinprogress]

That was the perfect description of the last 20 years of my life with my wife.  How was I so stupid as to let this happen to me?

We loved them.  That wasn't being stupid.   It was being a real, honest, decent human being.  I did 22 years.  We did the best we could. 

Thanks, ISH2.  I know that I did the best I could.

I have been doing tons of self work.  I keep thinking back to how I allowed this to happen.  I know I was trained by my parents to deny my needs and do their bidding.  They emasculated me while I was still young.  I still had brief periods of  break-throughs as a youth.  

One of the biggest events of my youth was this... .

I was always a skinny little kids.  My parents enrolled me in school a year early and I was always the youngest kid in my class.  I was just small.  I would get picked on all of the time.

I begged my dad to teach me how to fight and to get me a weight bench.  He would never do it.

Then, when I hit 13 or so, I took matters into my own hands.  For some odd reason, my dad had very heavy lead bricks in our garage.  I used to go out there and curl them.  I also hit a growth spurt and suddenly became taller than most of my classmates.  

I then made the school basketball team.  Girls started asking me if I worked out because my arms were well formed.  I liked that.

Then, at a party, there was a dumbbell with a set of weights.  All the guys tried to lift them.  None of them could.  I then tried.  I was sure that I wouldn't be able to, but I lifted it fairly easily.  I was stunned, as was everyone else.

I continued exercising when I could.  I became confident, but my parents were always undermining my social life.  I couldn't bring any friends to the house because my house because my parents would find something wrong with them.

I felt isolated.  But, I had exercise.  

I do recall flexing my bicep and my dad remarking, "that's nothing."

He ridiculed every hair cut I ever got.

I was so self-conscious.

I was beaten down and I allowed my wife to lift me up when we met.

I think that is something deliberate.  They find damaged or vulnerable people.  They build them up.  So, instead of us having our own self-esteem and self-worth, it is based upon them.

Then, when they paint us black, it crumbles the foundation that our life was built upon.

I am rebuilding my foundation with God as my foundation, and myself as the frame.

Lastly, I really hesitated to highjack this thread like I did, and I want to apologize for it.  But, something significant was in this story for my healing.  I'm not sure quite what it is, but I can really sense it.

[willtimeheal]

I have been struggling with my jealousy of the replacement even though, logically, I know she must be receiving the same treatment and experiencing the same confusion.  To be honest, I keep thinking, "why would she be with her? (i am sorry but I believe my ex is dating down - embarrassed to admit that)" and how come my ex hasn't left her yet as she cycled with me by this time?"  I pray a lot - i hate having these feelings

Hawk... .I feel like this a lot too. I can't wait till it passes.

[In Pain]

Has anyone ever contacted the replacement to talk, compare notes and warn them ?

Good idea... .Bad idea ?

[Deeno02]

Has anyone ever contacted the replacement to talk, compare notes and warn them ?

Good idea... .Bad idea ?

Not worth my time. He can flouder like I did, and join us on the forum. Screw them... .

[Penumbra66]

I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

My uBPD ex gf finally abandoned me for her married affair partner, after first putting me through weeks of broken promises, manipulation, and outright lies, all while cruelly recycling between my replacement and me almost weekly. I suffered a nervous breakdown, became suicidal, and was hospitalized. I remained in shock for about four or five weeks, losing nearly twenty lbs in the process. Such chaos is something I could never imagine, her words and actions in complete contradiction.

Stupidly breaking NC about a month later, I told her in a text conversation that she had destroyed my trust and faith in humanity. She reponded that I was a smart person, and that I certainly had to realize that my sample size of one person–-her--was far too small to be an accurate indicator of human nature at large. My ex went on to tell me that there were plenty of good people out there; it's just that she couldn't be one of them. It was as if we were arguing the statitics of a sociology paper, rather than the suffering she caused a real human being. It's strange, but somehow I had completely forgotten this particularly twisted conversation until reading anxiety5's post above. Perhaps I've filtered it out, because recalling it now fills me with dread.

I can't even begin to understand how the person I thought I knew, the person I loved, could say or even think such a thing. Post breakup, she never validated my feelings or accepted blame for hurting me, and yet here she admits to being a bad person, without hesitation or apology. How odd that she tries to persuade me that people as a group are not inherently bad, as long as people like her are included in a large enough cross sample. There was a simple logic to the conversation, but no soul. How terrifying.

Convincing people of the obscene levels of insanity, disorder, and destruction I experienced as our relationship imploded is very difficult. I'm sure it is for most of us here. There is a perception that a break up is a break up or that all affairs are created equal. We know that these experiences with a BPD are not. Perhaps this one little anecdote will be a bit more persuasive in explaining the disfunction of the relationship: casually and offhandedly admitting her evil while preoccupied with winning a pissing match.

[anxiety5]

I feel emotionally raped. Like my soul was stolen from me leaving me this hollowed out person who no longer will ever view people, the world or relationships in the same way. That for me has been the hardest part. The fact that I, as an intelligent person, have been distracted chasing drama while systematically being destroyed.

My uBPD ex gf finally abandoned me for her married affair partner, after first putting me through weeks of broken promises, manipulation, and outright lies, all while cruelly recycling between my replacement and me almost weekly. I suffered a nervous breakdown, became suicidal, and was hospitalized. I remained in shock for about four or five weeks, losing nearly twenty lbs in the process. Such chaos is something I could never imagine, her words and actions in complete contradiction.

Stupidly breaking NC about a month later, I told her in a text conversation that she had destroyed my trust and faith in humanity. She reponded that I was a smart person, and that I certainly had to realize that my sample size of one person–-her--was far too small to be an accurate indicator of human nature at large. My ex went on to tell me that there were plenty of good people out there; it's just that she couldn't be one of them. It was as if we were arguing the statitics of a sociology paper, rather than the suffering she caused a real human being. It's strange, but somehow I had completely forgotten this particularly twisted conversation until reading anxiety5's post above. Perhaps I've filtered it out, because recalling it now fills me with dread.

I can't even begin to understand how the person I thought I knew, the person I loved, could say or even think such a thing. Post breakup, she never validated my feelings or accepted blame for hurting me, and yet here she admits to being a bad person, without hesitation or apology. How odd that she tries to persuade me that people as a group are not inherently bad, as long as people like her are included in a large enough cross sample. There was a simple logic to the conversation, but no soul. How terrifying.

Convincing people of the obscene levels of insanity, disorder, and destruction I experienced as our relationship imploded is very difficult. I'm sure it is for most of us here. There is a perception that a break up is a break up or that all affairs are created equal. We know that these experiences with a BPD are not. Perhaps this one little anecdote will be a bit more persuasive in explaining the disfunction of the relationship: casually and offhandedly admitting her evil while preoccupied with winning a pissing match.

I'm really sorry you had to endure that. I know how you felt. I'm learning that I think the most effective strategy is for me to go NC and move on without seeking validation. The only validation you need is one trusted friend who will hear you out. Just look at their face when you are done telling them everything that happened. That's all I needed. A guy friend, with tears in his eyes as he feels guilt for getting mad that I kind of disappeared. Me no emotion looking over as if to say "why are you upset" It's because someone who really does care about me, who I've known long before her, is hearing one of the most disturbing stories imaginable and my lack of base for realizing how crazy it sounds is an indication to him that I'm really really not well. Asking a BPD for validation is like asking a politician to admit they were wrong. It's never going to happen. I think the best validation path, I'm learning is to simply get out, leave, offer them no explanation. Because what we have endured should be explanation enough. We owe them nothing. And from there, healing, living a good life. Good decisions lead to a good life. Bad decisions lead to a bad life. It's really that simple. Karma will put you both on your path of salvation. There is no need to prove anything to a person who will have destruction and misery in their wake in 20 years, why I'm hopefully living quietly, in peace.

[Emelie Emelie]

He has implied that there's a replacement. Hate to admit it but I'm consumed by jealousy. The idea of "her" being idealized the way I once was. Still hurts. Hope I can get to that "I don't care" place.

[anxiety5]

He has implied that there's a replacement. Hate to admit it but I'm consumed by jealousy. The idea of "her" being idealized the way I once was. Still hurts. Hope I can get to that "I don't care" place.

Your jealousy = validation of their grandiosity. Confirmation that you messed up wanting out. If you show this side in the smallest form, you will be worked over, fed lies about how much the other person adores them and never complains about the things you did. In essence, they will still have control over you. What's worse, they will spring you into action where you will feel idealized by them when they break things off with the new person as you jump back into the toxicity of their situation.

This may be hard to do, but I beg you to try it. What if I told you, the reaction would free you? First of all if you still have contact with this person, you must ask yourself if you are taking the necessary steps to build your self worth. No person with healthy self esteem would keep in touch with an abusive person. It's only us when we are still damaged, who allow that. But If you do have contact, keep it transactional. If it comes up, don't ask, just allow him to tell you. Be genuinely happy. Say, really? That's great that you met someone. Don't follow this by asking 50 questions about them. Once it's implied you are comparing yourself to them or digging for info they know they have you where they want you. Just respond to whatever he says with happiness. "I'm happy for you. I really hope things work out." Also don't get off the phone right away or sound upset. Just let the conversation carry on. As you respond to whatever he says with upbeat positive comments, also careful not to care enough to ask more about it or to show any weakness by letting agitation show, he will start talking more about it. And more. And more. And more. Again, just be nice. When he attempts to make a comment about "yeah and she didn't even get mad the way you did, she thinks it's great." Respond with something like, yeah well that's just me I guess. But that's great you found someone that you have those things in common with."

Just watch what happens. After that call, in the coming days/week he will start reaching out to you. Being nicer. May even start making comments about her that are bad, and trying to build you up. Again, reply with something like "Oh stop, I'm sure she's nice. She sounds like your perfect match. Happy for you."

This will drive him insane. Suddenly you are in total and unmitigated control. He will panic. He will realize you are no longer under his spell. He will fight to get you back under his control which isn't a good thing. I just want you to try it. Confirm I'm right and then you'll realize the pathology in play has nothing to do with you, or with her. It's about controlling and manipulating you. It's about carefully undermining your confidence and tormenting you. It's about putting you down to make himself feel larger. It's emotional abuse.

[peiper]

Has anyone ever contacted the replacement to talk, compare notes and warn them ?

Good idea... .Bad idea ?

Not worth my time. He can flouder like I did, and join us on the forum. Screw them... .

Amen , Id like to see that cheat here !

[Rifka]

I was the replacement for the first husband. She told me they were separated and were "in the process of getting a divorce". I later found out she was still living with  him but the damage had already been done as she was already pregnant. Even though i didn't love her and had very serious questions about her character, me being the goody goody i am, i stupidly tried to do "the right thing" and had her and her two young kids move in with me. After all her husband was beating her and if you have kids with someone you do your best to make it work, right? Silly silly me. Two months after my child was born she began cheating amongst other things and that started one year of hell that i wouldn't wish upon anyone.

The next replacement came along with a very quick engagement just a few months after the breakup. A few months into that engagement she's caught cheating and gets pregnant by current replacement a couple of months after that. I just wonder what the next surprise will be!

Did you ever have a test to make sure the child is really yours?

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

Has anyone ever contacted the replacement to talk, compare notes and warn them ?

Good idea... .Bad idea ?

Not worth my time. He can flouder like I did, and join us on the forum. Screw them... .

Amen , Id like to see that cheat here !

I hope my replacement suffers badly. I'd messaged him the day I broke up with her. I'd told him that I didn't think their relationship was appropriate while she was still with me and that I broke up with her. I ended up telling him some of what she did to me, how she hurt me, left when I needed her and how much it hurt to have her and the kids gone. I also told him that she had been messaging several other guys. She kept telling me that she was going back home for work, to work on herself, to focus on the kids and to get close to God, that she was not interested in any men and there was no replacement.

She and I talked through some things and she said that she wanted to be more than friends, but she couldn't be in a relationship because she needed to focus on herself, the kids and God. I fell for it and after 4 weeks of leading me on that we might work things out in the future, she had the replacement message me. She told him everything he needed to know to hurt me, in ways only she would know and he was glad to do it. He called me a psycho, that I was making myself look silly and that he wasn't going to fall for any of my tricks or lies.

He intentionally went after me and deserves whatever he gets. He was warned; no one warned me. I'm just an idiot. :D

[Zpinal]

Honestly I wish he will see through her mirrors and smoke that hides the cracks of her broken inner self (credit for those words go to the member of this board whom i read em from, sry i do not remember who that was). I know they already had fights over silly things, that guy is quite a downgrade compared to me but I honestly don't give a sh!t anymore, we all know its a matter of time before he suffers the same faith, im not even sure he knows shes borderline, he does know shes bipolar and them 2 diseases co-morbid added to hyper anxiety and ADHD makes an unfortunate mix for a very messed up person, its sad. I wanted to help her but she has chosen otherwise.

I had the closure i needed, she proved her craziness when she unfriended her «best friend» on FB because that lady kept talking to me after my exBPD dumped me for the replacement. She called it a betrayal! Talk about projection, how many people did she betrayed in her life with her quest for the fairy tale of eternal happiness?

When she gets in a r/s, she was pretty much never calling her anyway and used her as a safety net. But to make a metaphor; a safety net, like a friendship, has to be maintained to stay in good shape, if maintenance is ignored, the safety net will erode and end up with holes in it, the holes will get bigger and bigger until the safety net eventually stops catching you. Her «best friend» got tired to be used and stood her ground, my goal wasn't to sink as low as my ex and hurt her, my friendship with that lady has nothing to do with anyone but the 2 of us. The exBPDgf just couldn't accept that shes the only one that painted me black while other people continued to like me.

I am done suffering and I truly hope everyone on this board will have that eureka moment when you truly detach and feel freedom. Yes i will always remember the pain it causes, but i can now talk about it without getting emotional and was able to put this whole part of my life in my «bag of experience.»

[anxiety5]

Has anyone ever contacted the replacement to talk, compare notes and warn them ?

Good idea... .Bad idea ?

Not worth my time. He can flouder like I did, and join us on the forum. Screw them... .

Amen , Id like to see that cheat here !

I hope my replacement suffers badly. I'd messaged him the day I broke up with her. I'd told him that I didn't think their relationship was appropriate while she was still with me and that I broke up with her. I ended up telling him some of what she did to me, how she hurt me, left when I needed her and how much it hurt to have her and the kids gone. I also told him that she had been messaging several other guys. She kept telling me that she was going back home for work, to work on herself, to focus on the kids and to get close to God, that she was not interested in any men and there was no replacement.

She and I talked through some things and she said that she wanted to be more than friends, but she couldn't be in a relationship because she needed to focus on herself, the kids and God. I fell for it and after 4 weeks of leading me on that we might work things out in the future, she had the replacement message me. She told him everything he needed to know to hurt me, in ways only she would know and he was glad to do it. He called me a psycho, that I was making myself look silly and that he wasn't going to fall for any of my tricks or lies.

He intentionally went after me and deserves whatever he gets. He was warned; no one warned me. I'm just an idiot. :D

You aren't an idiot. Only the World's most interesting man, or Hannibal Lecter would be so calm as to not flip sh%^  in these situations. You are having fear, anger, humiliation, rejection, angst, vengeance, hate, despair all triggered at once through their torture. Is it any wonder you temporarily lost yourself? Don't beat yourself up about that. Every mistake is a moment to learn how to get better next time. That's pretty much what wisdom is right? A lifetime of mistakes and the ability now to see what should have been done? Take it as a learning moment. I totally get your impulse to tell the replacement what she's doing. But ask yourself honestly, does that ever work? Did it work? Even if he did believe you, what did you gain from doing it? They would just find another replacement for the replacement. The first key to getting your sanity back is the realization you can't control another person's actions. Only yours. Do some workshops listed here. There are a couple good one's about core values. Be able to identify what your core values are. Core Values define who you are and also set the basis for your boundaries of tolerance. As I'm sure you understand, boundaries are not threats of action towards your partner, they are promises of action towards ourselves based on our core values. A boundary is only worthwhile if you can enforce it. Meaning, your ex is free to sleep with whomever they want. However in doing so, will violate your dignity and self respect and therefore in doing that they will no longer be welcome in your life. It's that simple. Rock solid Core Values = defined and enforceable boundaries = manipulative people opt to go hijack the weak guy who doesn't have any idea of who he is. They therefore have no problem mirroring them, building them up, and sneaking into your soul to rearrange what they want and take a few things before escaping like a thief in the night.

You don't need to control your ex, or replacement or wish them bad. Caring means you are still under their control. You know how that situation will play out. Just let it. Meanwhile you learned a lot from it, found your core values, strengths, weaknesses, set firm boundaries, healed, set some goals and are rebuilding your life. Who is in a better situation?

[Turkish]

The first key to getting your sanity back is the realization you can't control another person's actions. Only yours. Do some workshops listed here. There are a couple good one's about core values. Be able to identify what your core values are. Core Values define who you are and also set the basis for your boundaries of tolerance. As I'm sure you understand, boundaries are not threats of action towards your partner, they are promises of action towards ourselves based on our core values. A boundary is only worthwhile if you can enforce it. Meaning, your ex is free to sleep with whomever they want. However in doing so, will violate your dignity and self respect and therefore in doing that they will no longer be welcome in your life. It's that simple.

This was one of the hardest things my T told me: "She is a free agent."

The tibit in there is that so am I.

Despite what she said for years, in the end, our core values were diametrically opposed.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

[Mr Hollande]

I don't care about my replacement. I don't know him personally but I know he is a loser who' already beaten down by life. Now he has her to look forward to. What I want is to have her on her knees. I know she already is and that she always was but I'd like to see it one last time so I can put a size 12 right in her ribs and send her on her way. I know it won't happen so it's only a fantasy. A rumination desire one could call it. Still, how sweet it would be. Yes, it's her head I want, not his.

[btbh]

Exact same sentiments Mr Hollande. I would do it a few times to my ex if i could. Monday tells me don't leave me when i said i cant do this anymore (found out she was cheating a second time in 5 days). Says she loves me, then on Thursday i find out she cheated again with another guy and this time tells me she wanted me to find out so things could end between us. Like What the heck. Now shes head over heels with my new replacement even have their photo as her phone wallpaper, which she never did with me and we had a 2 1/2 year relationship. Oh the idolization stage. Just like clockwork these borderlines. Oh how I cant wait for this to crash and burn and when she comes crawling back trying to recycle for the third time. I will tell her to go f**k herself 

[Mr Hollande]

Charming lady! 

I'm hoping she'll tell me she has cancer or that her son finally ended up in prison so I can go "hahahahahahahaha not my problem dear, let your drug dealer boyfriend deal with that if he cares because I don't. And btw, hahahahahahahaha" *click*

[camuse]

I thought mine was an upgrade originally, but having accidentally heard a couple of things about him, and seen a video clip, he is a very major downgrade - a man in his 30s who has a minimum wage job in a shop, no place of his own (sleeps in a friend's house), no car, and not very good looking or muscular - the person I thought he was originally was not actually him.

So the full cycle has indeed played out, she downgraded to an easier mark and is back where she feels comfortable, with no security, a weak replacement, in a new city where no one knows the truth about her.

I remember every time I improved my life - whether it was a better job, better car, losing weight, a better house I bought when we were dating, she never seemed pleased. Sad but at least I see it all clearly now.

And it's amazing how much you can achieve when you don't have to spend 99% of your time managing a person with a PD

[Mr Hollande]

I remember every time I improved my life - whether it was a better job, better car, losing weight, a better house I bought when we were dating, she never seemed pleased. Sad but at least I see it all clearly now.

This is going off topic but that is a very interesting point. 3 years ago I was interviewed for a book covering the music scene in the city I'm from. It is a very well written book and being part of it was great on so many levels. Not least for the honour of being considered an important enough player to be included but also as a trip down memory lane which lead to reconnecting with some very dear people from the past. Further it was confirmation that my contributions to that scene had mattered and had yielded a result. I was, and still am, very proud of that book. Round the time the book was published, to plenty of fanfare in many quarters across the country, she grew more and resentful of it. She'd ridicule it and tell me how she had always hated that music scene (which was news to me as she'd stated the opposite before) and in the end I stopped talking about it for fear of setting off another episode from her. That's my example of how they begrudge us things that bring joy.  

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

Has anyone ever contacted the replacement to talk, compare notes and warn them ?

Good idea... .Bad idea ?

Not worth my time. He can flouder like I did, and join us on the forum. Screw them... .

Amen , Id like to see that cheat here !

I hope my replacement suffers badly. I'd messaged him the day I broke up with her. I'd told him that I didn't think their relationship was appropriate while she was still with me and that I broke up with her. I ended up telling him some of what she did to me, how she hurt me, left when I needed her and how much it hurt to have her and the kids gone. I also told him that she had been messaging several other guys. She kept telling me that she was going back home for work, to work on herself, to focus on the kids and to get close to God, that she was not interested in any men and there was no replacement.

She and I talked through some things and she said that she wanted to be more than friends, but she couldn't be in a relationship because she needed to focus on herself, the kids and God. I fell for it and after 4 weeks of leading me on that we might work things out in the future, she had the replacement message me. She told him everything he needed to know to hurt me, in ways only she would know and he was glad to do it. He called me a psycho, that I was making myself look silly and that he wasn't going to fall for any of my tricks or lies.

He intentionally went after me and deserves whatever he gets. He was warned; no one warned me. I'm just an idiot. :D

You aren't an idiot. Only the World's most interesting man, or Hannibal Lecter would be so calm as to not flip sh%^  in these situations. You are having fear, anger, humiliation, rejection, angst, vengeance, hate, despair all triggered at once through their torture. Is it any wonder you temporarily lost yourself? Don't beat yourself up about that. Every mistake is a moment to learn how to get better next time. That's pretty much what wisdom is right? A lifetime of mistakes and the ability now to see what should have been done? Take it as a learning moment. I totally get your impulse to tell the replacement what she's doing. But ask yourself honestly, does that ever work? Did it work? Even if he did believe you, what did you gain from doing it? They would just find another replacement for the replacement. The first key to getting your sanity back is the realization you can't control another person's actions. Only yours. Do some workshops listed here. There are a couple good one's about core values. Be able to identify what your core values are. Core Values define who you are and also set the basis for your boundaries of tolerance. As I'm sure you understand, boundaries are not threats of action towards your partner, they are promises of action towards ourselves based on our core values. A boundary is only worthwhile if you can enforce it. Meaning, your ex is free to sleep with whomever they want. However in doing so, will violate your dignity and self respect and therefore in doing that they will no longer be welcome in your life. It's that simple. Rock solid Core Values = defined and enforceable boundaries = manipulative people opt to go hijack the weak guy who doesn't have any idea of who he is. They therefore have no problem mirroring them, building them up, and sneaking into your soul to rearrange what they want and take a few things before escaping like a thief in the night.

You don't need to control your ex, or replacement or wish them bad. Caring means you are still under their control. You know how that situation will play out. Just let it. Meanwhile you learned a lot from it, found your core values, strengths, weaknesses, set firm boundaries, healed, set some goals and are rebuilding your life. Who is in a better situation?

To be fair, I flipped on her a bit when I found out she was looking at/working 5 guys to find the right replacement, but I never degraded her or touched her. It was mainly me confronting her with what she'd done, my hurt and trying to get her to see that she was repeating the same pattern. I asked her to stop running, but of course she refused to see it. People have told me that they have to hit rock bottom on their own and then they may seek help.

The advice you gave in your reply is probably the best I've seen and reminded me that I was someone and I had core values, but that I've compromised them and helped set my own trap. My best friend, "you gave her a roadmap," and he was right. I gave her everything she needed to set me up and hurt me. I'm going to do the workshops like you suggest and make sure I'm on solid ground, with a solid foundation.

I really owe you one!