Out of the Fog and feeling so free.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Im finally done. I have the proof. My conscious is cleared. I have no doubts. No regrets. Only the hope of healing. Something she will never accept as a reality for herself. Im done saving her because i realize im just enabling these behaviors. Im so proud of myself actually she pulled the oh im so sick in the local medical center come save me! You know what i did. I stayed at home. And on top of it she gave me another panic/anxiety attack with how hard it was to break the pull and the words she said that triggered me. I still stayed strong!  But i can say 4 days out and im feeling so much better. In fact i finally see a light to all of this in the therapy ill be starting in a week. To fix my broken anima and enlighten myself learning self love and produce happiness from within. Thats the best i could ever ask for. I just hope one day for her sake she does too. But at the same time im washing my hands clean of the blood i never spilled. I finally have opened up my eyes and can see again... and let me tell you this world is beautiful!

[anxiety5]

Save me a place in your bliss, a front row seat hopefully because I'm with you. Tonight was it and tomorrow I will not bite. It's so sad I already know what will happen. She will start off the morning texting me. It will be short. Uncaring. I will ignore her. She will text again around lunch. Ignore her. Around 2 she will start telling me she loves me and wants to see me. She misses me, etc. Rather than biting like I have so many times, I'm going to repeat what I said tonight. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. There is nothing left to say. I need some time and I need some space to heal and feel better about myself. Sorry for any pain I've caused. This will kick her into panic mode. When I leave work, I will park somewhere else so she doesn't know I'm home. And I'm turning off my phone and DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO. Gym? Go for a run? Buy some new running shoes? Possibilities are endless, but the day is mine. Go find my replacement. Hate to disappoint you but I-DON'T-CARE-ANYMORE.

[peiper]

Im finally done. I have the proof. My conscious is cleared. I have no doubts. No regrets. Only the hope of healing. Something she will never accept as a reality for herself. Im done saving her because i realize im just enabling these behaviors. Im so proud of myself actually she pulled the oh im so sick in the local medical center come save me! You know what i did. I stayed at home. And on top of it she gave me another panic/anxiety attack with how hard it was to break the pull and the words she said that triggered me. I still stayed strong!  But i can say 4 days out and im feeling so much better. In fact i finally see a light to all of this in the therapy ill be starting in a week. To fix my broken anima and enlighten myself learning self love and produce happiness from within. Thats the best i could ever ask for. I just hope one day for her sake she does too. But at the same time im washing my hands clean of the blood i never spilled. I finally have opened up my eyes and can see again... and let me tell you this world is beautiful!

I'm so happy for you ! I'm right behind you. I looked at a picture of her tonight and the first thing that popped in my head was " Why would I want your skanky cheating a$$ back in my life ?" I really startled me !

[Chasing_Ghosts]

anxiety5,

They are such predictable creature arent they. To the point its almost like their life has no meaning other than to exist to be a prisoner in the dungeon that is the disorder. Yet the even more sad part is deep down inside they love to be helpless because its all theyve  ever known. Yet mine at least is self aware of her BPD yet still chooses to play the victim or the seducer. Its a stagnant life that can be expected to never attain any positive results and only further pain. But i agree go use another external source to fix an internal problem... because its yielded such great results so far... its truly mind-blowing. I digress that its truly awesome youre ready to take this journey! Im glad to see youre ready to put yourself first this time! You deserve to be happy!

I'm so happy for you ! I'm right behind you. I looked at a picture of her tonight and the first thing that popped in my head was " Why would I want your skanky cheating a$$ back in my life ?" I really startled me !

Agreed mate! Im glad youre on the bandwagon! I feel the same way especially when she says she loves me, misses me or sends me some song lyrics. "Im like hmm... .wonder how many other dudes youve sent this to in the past few days." I honestly cant believe i gave my virginity that i was saving for "someone special" to that of a girl who equates to a call girl that instead of money seeks attention and validation. Of course though this wasnt the picture she painted at the time!

[Bak86]

Awesome feeling isn't it?

I look at my ex from time to time and i think to myself, how did i ever fall in love with that? 

She looks absolutely terrible at the moment and her behavior is so incredibly weird. The only thing that pisses me off sometimes is that coworkers(we work together) still hang out with her even though they know what she did to me. But hey, screw them! 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Awesome feeling isn't it?

I look at my ex from time to time and i think to myself, how did i ever fall in love with that? 

She looks absolutely terrible at the moment and her behavior is so incredibly weird. The only thing that pisses me off sometimes is that coworkers(we work together) still hang out with her even though they know what she did to me. But hey, screw them! 

For sure, like the weight of the worlds been lifted off my shoulders.

Right? Mine is the same exact way atm she has that empty, lonely, unstable look almost like she doesnt know what to do with herself... its very odd indeed. Yea they will learn(or not) soon enough how fake and manipulative she is. How she talks to probably all of them individually about the other... hopefully they compare notes!

[Isa_lala]

I wish I could be in your shoes. I hope I will be soon.

Your messages are very encouraging, thank you!

enjoy every minute of your life!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Chasing_Ghosts and anxiety5,  I'm happy for you guys.  It's a rough ride after a b/u with a pwBPD so expect turbulence.  If you stay on course, though, you will come through it OK.  Lucky Jim

[Rifka]

Save me a place in your bliss, a front row seat hopefully because I'm with you. Tonight was it and tomorrow I will not bite. It's so sad I already know what will happen. She will start off the morning texting me. It will be short. Uncaring. I will ignore her. She will text again around lunch. Ignore her. Around 2 she will start telling me she loves me and wants to see me. She misses me, etc. Rather than biting like I have so many times, I'm going to repeat what I said tonight. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. There is nothing left to say. I need some time and I need some space to heal and feel better about myself. Sorry for any pain I've caused. This will kick her into panic mode. When I leave work, I will park somewhere else so she doesn't know I'm home. And I'm turning off my phone and DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO. Gym? Go for a run? Buy some new running shoes? Possibilities are endless, but the day is mine. Go find my replacement. Hate to disappoint you but I-DON'T-CARE-ANYMORE.

Better yet don't respond at all and go complete N/C for you!   That will truly show you have had enough! We do care, but we need to care only about us!

[Rifka]

Im finally done. I have the proof. My conscious is cleared. I have no doubts. No regrets. Only the hope of healing. Something she will never accept as a reality for herself. Im done saving her because i realize im just enabling these behaviors. Im so proud of myself actually she pulled the oh im so sick in the local medical center come save me! You know what i did. I stayed at home. And on top of it she gave me another panic/anxiety attack with how hard it was to break the pull and the words she said that triggered me. I still stayed strong!  But i can say 4 days out and im feeling so much better. In fact i finally see a light to all of this in the therapy ill be starting in a week. To fix my broken anima and enlighten myself learning self love and produce happiness from within. Thats the best i could ever ask for. I just hope one day for her sake she does too. But at the same time im washing my hands clean of the blood i never spilled. I finally have opened up my eyes and can see again... and let me tell you this world is beautiful!

Congrats! It's great to be out of the fog and see how beautiful it really is out here. Forward and forward! Keep going! I'm so happy for you!

Rifka

[Blimblam]

Im finally done. I have the proof. My conscious is cleared. I have no doubts. No regrets. Only the hope of healing. Something she will never accept as a reality for herself. Im done saving her because i realize im just enabling these behaviors. Im so proud of myself actually she pulled the oh im so sick in the local medical center come save me! You know what i did. I stayed at home. And on top of it she gave me another panic/anxiety attack with how hard it was to break the pull and the words she said that triggered me. I still stayed strong!  But i can say 4 days out and im feeling so much better. In fact i finally see a light to all of this in the therapy ill be starting in a week. To fix my broken anima and enlighten myself learning self love and produce happiness from within. Thats the best i could ever ask for. I just hope one day for her sake she does too. But at the same time im washing my hands clean of the blood i never spilled. I finally have opened up my eyes and can see again... and let me tell you this world is beautiful!

It's nice to have some clarity in moving foreward. What I have noticed for myself is it is easier some days than others. The healing process is not linear and it takes as long as it takes and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Keep in mind haunting her social media or breaking nc even if to deny her or whatever will bring you a hit of that addiction and bring back the fog. It is best to remain nc to heal if you can maintain it.

I'm glad you are feeling better keep going. 

[anxiety5]

Right it all down. As much as you can remember. And the way you felt. Focus on the times before you were jaded and acted right back at her, for those are the times that MADE you jaded. My point is, just read over what you write when you feel sad. It's sobering. Heroine is bad. People will sell their children to get it. Just because you are addicted to something, want something, feel you need something DOES NOT MEAN IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

[myself]

It's a rough ride after a b/u with a pwBPD so expect turbulence.  

If you stay on course, though, you will come through it OK.

Well said, and very true. There will be more and more 'feeling better' days. You'll find them from letting go, and by working for them. There will also be times where you're down in the dumps again, perhaps wondering what you did wrong, upset at remembering the injustice of it all, etc. There's a lot to get to while detaching. Make the best start you can, appreciating your progress, which you are, and continue following through. You'll go from noticing there's a door to having gone through it without looking back.