I wish I'd never been born.

[Infern0]

It's like life has lost all meaning to me.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I can't trust anyone or anything.

I was put off work for a couple of weeks because of my nervous breakdown and not being able to do my job properly,  and it helped a little bit.  I felt slightly better and am "functional" I guess.

But I must be unbearable to be around.  I've pushed most of my friends away,  I feel like none of them understands me. And I just see toxic people around me everywhere.  People at work are backstabbing me. Some of them are saying I'm crazy and shouldn't have my job anymore.  I have worked for the same company for years and currently my years of good service and reputation are about all that's keeping me employed

I'm doing my best,  you know I'm trying but nobody understands what I'm going through. And they say I need to get over it now and move on. But it's not as easy as all that. It feels like I've got no future.  I'm trying to pull it together but it's just not really happening.  

I feel like I have to pretend to be happy. My flatmates are asking why I just shut myself away and why I don't want to get drunk with them.

I kind of wish I could go live on a desert island really. But that's just stupid.

I just want it to end.  I'll never kill myself and I'm not after sympathy but I just wanted to express myself.  I've had enough.  I've reached bottom and I need someone to throw me a rope or something. Because I'm saying " I'm ok" but I'm not,  I'm not ok.  

[Blimblam]

It's like life has lost all meaning to me.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I can't trust anyone or anything.

I was put off work for a couple of weeks because of my nervous breakdown and not being able to do my job properly,  and it helped a little bit.  I felt slightly better and am "functional" I guess.

But I must be unbearable to be around.  I've pushed most of my friends away,  I feel like none of them understands me. And I just see toxic people around me everywhere.  People at work are backstabbing me. Some of them are saying I'm crazy and shouldn't have my job anymore.  I have worked for the same company for years and currently my years of good service and reputation are about all that's keeping me employed

I'm doing my best,  you know I'm trying but nobody understands what I'm going through. And they say I need to get over it now and move on. But it's not as easy as all that. It feels like I've got no future.  I'm trying to pull it together but it's just not really happening.  

I feel like I have to pretend to be happy. My flatmates are asking why I just shut myself away and why I don't want to get drunk with them.

I kind of wish I could go live on a desert island really. But that's just stupid.

I just want it to end.  I'll never kill myself and I'm not after sympathy but I just wanted to express myself.  I've had enough.  I've reached bottom and I need someone to throw me a rope or something. Because I'm saying " I'm ok" but I'm not,  I'm not ok.  

You have been severely truamatized you had a nervous breakdown it's not supposed to feel good. All these people into meditation and seeking enlightenment and all that are trying to go up but really it's about hitting rock bottom. Somewhere around rock bottom is a crack and down there is an abyss and in thier somewhere is your soul. Find that then you will know who you are.

Watch fight club. And the matrix.

"Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat it's not a goddamm seminar!" -Tyler durden

"What you are experiencing is premature enlightenment" -Tyler durden

"This is your pain this is your burning hand. It's right here."-Tyler durden.

"Stop trying to control everything and just let go." - Tyler durden.

Surrender to the pain let it consume you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've reached bottom and I need someone to throw me a rope or something.

The good thing about hitting your bottom is the only way to move is up.

"Until you're broken, you don't know what you're made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever"  random internet quote, but true

"There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in."  Cohen

A good thing about life losing all meaning is you can now make it mean whatever you want.  That one is mine.

[Pingo]

Inferno, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time.  It is so difficult when people invalidate the pain you are in, telling you to just get over it, move on.  It is true, no one does know what you have been through and they just cannot relate.  It sounds like you could really use some validation.  Is there any kind of support group you could get involved in?  I'm considering this myself.  I see I am definitely lacking in the social department and have little desire to get out and get involved with activities that involve other people.  But we can become trapped in our state because of this.  Literally and figuratively.  This may be a way to reach out to others in a safe and nurturing way.

[Rifka]

Inferno,

I know I felt so lost as well. Nobody could understand me until I came here. Why did I stay, why did I go back all the questions that make you question your self. I had no answers except I loved him.

I literally was on the floor feeling like I was run over by a Mack truck. I was still in the r/s at that time fighting with myself to get up and run, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready.

After it was over for me, he tortured my emotions with the fantastic guy I had in the beginning. Trying to get back in, I couldn't do it any longer. I was so sick. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, think straight! It was horrible. I too hit bottom!

I know that it is hard to believe right this moment but you are going to get better. One small step at a time. We will all help you with our support, we all may have different opinions about how to handle things, but we all want each other to heal and be better. We are all in this together!

If you want to skype with me, send me a private message. I will give you my address.

Please don't feel alone because there are so many caring people here.

What happened to each of us is devastating, but we have To go forward. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time.

I'm in a good place now but three months ago I was in hell!

One minute at a time infern0

Rifka

[Danie14]

A couple more quotes that help me when things are tough...

"Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's not the end"

"There are no mistakes, only lessons"

and just for you... .when I was at my rock bottom (or very near it) the one thing that helped me was the decision that I wanted to be happy again. I focused on that goal, to be happy in my own skin and my own life. That decision has made all the difference for me. Long term, well into the now of everything. I hold on to that desire. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.

[spemat]

try and understand that how you feel is from trauma, an extreme emotion or a mood swing and in either case, they are clouding your judgment.  My crash from mania to depression has a lot of this.  Depression for me is laziness and apathy.  I feel dead.

[Aussie JJ]

My rock bottom had me lieing on a ball on the floor unable to understand what was happening.  I accepted all the crazy logic of BPD and was on a knifeedge myself.  Being around someone who is constantly hot and cold, makes reality twisted on you.  You are experiencing a 10th of the pain of BPD and not projecting it your working through it.  You are processing that pain and finding reality again.  

Reality is you have been abused.  That emotional abuse takes a huge toll on you as it has on all of us.  Now, ill tell you somethimg ive found out and many others will have similar experiences here.  It isnt easy and it isnt pretty.  It will get worse p  some days and then better as you work through it.  I have days, well moments in the day where i question myself now still.  

I have read every book i can afford to buy on BPD to understand it and those i cant afford i have borrowed to read

 I suggest as what helped me a huge amount is learning the leasons on the staying board.  Learning to detach from the crazyness learning how i was enabling the behaviour helped me identify the abuse and stopped me taking blame.  

Last of all.  When your feeling like this, do something with that energy.  :)ig a hole, punch a bag, scream at a tree.  :)o something to get it out.  I used to keep a thread active here for days N/C adding them up and ranting and raving as i processed it all.  :)o the same?  Rant, scream about it and dont be afraid to cry either.  

Thing is, look at it like this... .

A woman giving birth goes through agony, lots of pain, screaming, yelling and crying.  Why?  At the end of that pain is a new life.  Consider this your rebirth and get through that pain to have a new life at the end of it all.  

Its yours to process and were here to listen and also tell you what others seem to be missing, its ok to not understand.  When you get through it it does start to look a whole lot better on the other side.  

[Inside]

InfernO,

I’ve often wished I could give away some ‘time gone by,’ because time does heal…  ... .like give you a couple of months to be a bit further out.  I’m 11 months away now, and it’s easing.  Some folks understand, but most don’t.  And the problem is those who understand know there isn’t much if anything they can do.  They know where your head’s at, and that you can hardly focus for ten minutes, let alone process what’s gone on and envision being clear of it... .

... .I tell you, this is the first time I’ve ventured onto this board on the site, and I teared up instantly … and I’m not even finished reading all these posts.  While trying to stay composed with my daughter in the vicinity, I got a text from a friend to meet him for a beer.  I did (daughter’s 19, so I could leave).  I saved this ‘thread’ for later, fought back tears driving to town, then nearly broke down while discussing this stuff with my friend.  He, though not up on BPD, has been here too… 

I’ve few words of wisdom, and am already attempting to memorize some of the amazingly accurate and positive quotes in this thread, but also realize it’s hard to think deep in your state, so BS like this, just communicating with another person helps.  I’ve been down, too, and a damn good cry hasn’t killed me yet.  But when I feel my best is the relief and release of prettymuch giving up, not on life, but on everything I’ve held dear.  Sounds so wrong ... .but I just let it go ~  and what’s left is whatever I want it to be.  And, I’ve no desire to go backward.

So continue on, let go of the pain and everything associated with it, and if you move ahead by simply falling forward - you’ve moved ahead!  ... .through the hardest times I’ve maintained a pledge to ‘take as good of care of myself as I can’ - ‘in case some day I’m glad I did.’  And, it’s served me well.  Care for your body and your mind will follow

[Forestaken]

I kind of wish I could go live on a desert island really. But that's just stupid.

Okay, then if you feel that is stupid, then I've had the same stupid idea.  No kidding.  I'm an American (Your "flatmate" reference states you're from the U.K.?)

For years prior to my divorce, I actually thought about leaving my abusive uBPD+dOCD+Xw (Gawd it feels good to say Xw) and move to Saipan, a US territory in the South Pacific.  I was the farthest distance from where I lived.

Now, My adult S and I are planning to move to Hawaii in less than 3 years.  Will we make it in Hawaii? I dunno.  I've survive an abandoning father, crazy Xw for 25 years, and lived in fear of making mistakes.  But who knows?  

My T says I suffer from low self-esteem, I know I do, working on it.  Getting a professional certificate that's job related helps.  It adds value to me and keeps my focus away from my low-thoughts.  Plus planning to move helps to look toward a positive goal.

[GhostDad]

I hate platitudes. I really do.

But since you seem to be from the UK, I'll quote Winston Churchill on your behalf-

"The only way to get through hell, is to keep going"

I've also learned recently, and from some help on this board, to stop seeing myself as a victim. Trying to view everyone in a positive light, seeing the good in everyone.

There's also huge power that lies within you alone and your ability to forgive. To reconcile. Believe it or not, this is something you can do alone. It may derive from completely within you. With no active participation from anyone else.

You will know that you're healing when these thoughts of forgiveness and reconciliation begin to come over you. It's liberating.

But until then, if you feel angry, be angry. Sad, then be sad. Cry all you want. Do you feel like going to bed 5 hours early? Or maybe not even get out bed at all?.

Do (or don't do for that matter) whatever it is you feel you need to do.

You've got my permission.

And to those who offer judgement and harsh criticism, I say screw-em.

Good luck and God Speed.

[Forestaken]

For you UK folks, I'm in the US and in IT.  In the pass year, I passed ITIL v3 and Prince2 Foundations exams (90%/88%).  I'm the only one in my organization to have these certificates.  I wouldn't have even tried to study for these professional exams 3 years ago when I was in an abusive relationship with a BPD. 

My point is: You're far better and smarter than you think you are.

"Be careful of your words when you are with other people, be careful of your thoughts when you are alone"

[Blimblam]

I hate platitudes. I really do.

But since you seem to be from the UK, I'll quote Winston Churchill on your behalf-

"The only way to get through hell, is to keep going"

I've also learned recently, and from some help on this board, to stop seeing myself as a victim. Trying to view everyone in a positive light, seeing the good in everyone.

There's also huge power that lies within you alone and your ability to forgive. To reconcile. Believe it or not, this is something you can do alone. It may derive from completely within you. With no active participation from anyone else.

You will know that you're healing when these thoughts of forgiveness and reconciliation begin to come over you. It's liberating.

But until then, if you feel angry, be angry. Sad, then be sad. Cry all you want. Do you feel like going to bed 5 hours early? Or maybe not even get out bed at all?.

Do (or don't do for that matter) whatever it is you feel you need to do.

You've got my permission.

And to those who offer judgement and harsh criticism, I say screw-em.

Good luck and God Speed.

Well said

[enlighten me]

Hi inferno

I know exactly where your coming from.

ive not told anyone this but when my ex wife dumped me I was working in Afghanistan. She cut all contact. Wouldnt answer my calls or emails. I was trapped and broken. A few months later she recycled me. When j went back to work she dumped me again. If I thought I was broken before I was wrong. I was barely functioning. I only got up because I had to and couldnt eat. I survived on coffee and cigarettes for about a week. My friends avoided me as they didnt want to hesr any more about it. I would go to the generator farm to cry so no one could see or hear me. I wasvat rock bottom. I wish I had found this site then so I could have understood what is going on.

It does get better but its down to you. You have to divert your feelings. Turn the pain into anger. Use the anger to motivate you. Dont let her disorder become your problem. Learn from your mistakes. As with a pwBPD only they can change themselves and only you can change you.

Im here if you want to pm me.

[SlyQQ]

when you are going through hell the important thing is to keep going ( winston churchhill) glad you decided not to kill yourself it hurts those around you which is why i didnt but i totally get not careing weather you live or die embrace it over time it will lead to redemption ( though you may end up killing youself accidentialy on the way ) its a dangerous way to live but eventually sought of makes you appreciate life

[myself]

Inferno, how are you doing?

[michel71]

I totally get you. I am in the same place.

There are days ( and the last three in point) that I have felt like a truck hit me. When you wake up with a full blown anxiety attack and start your "productive" high level job with coffee and xanax, you know something is wrong. I have heart palpitations and swear I might just have a heart attack. Exercise? Gym? I have no energy, although I am going to force myself to start taking walks. A lot of people on this site seem to do so to clear the cobwebs.

And my job, sometimes I can barely function. Ultimately I may need some time off as well. I have fantasies of taking 6 months off and renting a condo overlooking one of Miami's bays. Maybe it will get to that and I will just run away. The easiest solution would be to get rid of the BPW ( I am not there yet).

I can't give you any "coming out the other side" advice but I can only tell you what I am planning to do: WHATEVER IT TAKES TO COMPLETELY FOCUS ON MYSELF. The energy that we put into them zaps any that we have for ourselves. I am going to start to go to CODA meetings. Do things to get out of my head and out of the house.

Looking at it another way, it's now a her or me scenario. My happy life vs. her ongoing issues, unhappiness and disfunction. I chose ME.

Taking stock of the good things in my life is important and there is so much to be thankful for. I bet if you concentrate on that, it might make things feel less heavy.

Stay strong my friend.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I relate to this so much. No matter who I talk to, even on these boards. I still feel like I can't trust anyone, especially myself. All confidence, gone, all sense of who or what I am, gone. All that's left is confusion, anxiety, depression and pain, and it seems to never go away, because I can never fully face myself. I feel like I have no connection to anything on earth.

Anyways, enough about me, just thought you might relate. You know, there must be a way out of this for us. There must be a way to face the pain and be reborn. I don't know how exactly, but there must be a way. I have to believe that.  No one can truly understand these relationships, they find the deepest place inside, the place where only god is supposed to be, and they rip it to shreds. I hope you feel better Infern0, what has happened to us is a true injustice.

[fromheeltoheal]

I relate to this so much. No matter who I talk to, even on these boards. I still feel like I can't trust anyone, especially myself. All confidence, gone, all sense of who or what I am, gone. All that's left is confusion, anxiety, depression and pain, and it seems to never go away, because I can never fully face myself. I feel like I have no connection to anything on earth.

Anyways, enough about me, just thought you might relate. You know, there must be a way out of this for us. There must be a way to face the pain and be reborn. I don't know how exactly, but there must be a way. I have to believe that.  No one can truly understand these relationships, they find the deepest place inside, the place where only god is supposed to be, and they rip it to shreds. I hope you feel better Infern0, what has happened to us is a true injustice.

Can you name one thing you KNOW you do well and are good at?

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm creative and intelligent. The problem for me though is just that I stuffed down like 90% of the pain in my life and ran from it. It's much like how a borderline struggles to face themselves, that's kind of where I'm at, there just seems to be almost too much to face. I keep getting scared and running away and not dealing with my pain.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm creative and intelligent. The problem for me though is just that I stuffed down like 90% of the pain in my life and ran from it. It's much like how a borderline struggles to face themselves, that's kind of where I'm at, there just seems to be almost too much to face. I keep getting scared and running away and not dealing with my pain.

So when you're feeling creative and intelligent, and know that you are, you have confidence in that, yes?  My point is that confidence can be transferred to other areas of your life, other roles you fulfill, by noticing what you focus on, how you hold yourself, how you breathe, the entire picture of who you are when you are feeling confident.  Confidence is transferable if we feel it in some area of our lives.

I too stuffed down a lot of pain, repression, and the uncorking of that in my relationship with my borderline ex I now see as the gift of the relationship.  I was thinking my way through life before I met her, but I felt fully alive with her, chaotic and unsustainable sure, but fully alive, fully feeling, which was what I missed most when I left her, not the reality of the relationship itself.  I started feeling my way through life then and it has stayed, and that opens up the floodgates of everything that was repressed, and it must be felt, which can be hard, but that's what pain leaving feels like.  There's no way out but through, and getting all of that stuff out makes me feel lighter and freer.  I recommend it, and get professional help if you need it, but the point is now, today, feel everything all the way, since we know how constricting repressing it all is.  Take care of you!

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm creative and intelligent. The problem for me though is just that I stuffed down like 90% of the pain in my life and ran from it. It's much like how a borderline struggles to face themselves, that's kind of where I'm at, there just seems to be almost too much to face. I keep getting scared and running away and not dealing with my pain.

So when you're feeling creative and intelligent, and know that you are, you have confidence in that, yes?  My point is that confidence can be transferred to other areas of your life, other roles you fulfill, by noticing what you focus on, how you hold yourself, how you breathe, the entire picture of who you are when you are feeling confident.  Confidence is transferable if we feel it in some area of our lives.

I too stuffed down a lot of pain, repression, and the uncorking of that in my relationship with my borderline ex I now see as the gift of the relationship.  I was thinking my way through life before I met her, but I felt fully alive with her, chaotic and unsustainable sure, but fully alive, fully feeling, which was what I missed most when I left her, not the reality of the relationship itself.  I started feeling my way through life then and it has stayed, and that opens up the floodgates of everything that was repressed, and it must be felt, which can be hard, but that's what pain leaving feels like.  There's no way out but through, and getting all of that stuff out makes me feel lighter and freer.  I recommend it, and get professional help if you need it, but the point is now, today, feel everything all the way, since we know how constricting repressing it all is.  Take care of you!

Thanks, yeah I'm just going to have to face myself and the pain, there is no way around it. I'm getting some confidence back, I feel that I can't emotionally invest into anyone, even my pets. It's very sad, I still give them attention, but it could be a lot more, if I was doing better. I also feel like there is a million walls between me and my pain, so it's often a very rocky path, not just simply doing it, it's very confusing. Professional help actually hurt me even more, . But I'm going to try again, anyways thanks for the encouragement. I'll try to make it, I hope we all make it out of this more happy and healthy. Hope Infern0 is okay.

[Infern0]

Hi guys thanks for the concern.

Well I have had a time of it lately,  made a mistake and recycled myself and was then treated to some nice push/pull since then.

I've made some pretty rash decisions lately,  wide scale changes in my life which I think may change things for me for the better.

It's weird,  I'm not even angry at her and nor have I had another nervous breakdown. It's kind of like I'm so used to it now that it doesn't quite cut to the bone like it did before.

My general outlook is I'm trying to see a way through this and that I'll get better but sometimes I feel like I'm really weak and have mega problems because of how hard it is for me to walk away from this. All logical thinking tells me and has told me to get away but when I get a message or something my thought process gets so distorted.

Anyway I'm a bit all over the place but I'm hanging in there and trying to do positive things for me.

[Forestaken]

Good days and bad days, we all go through that.

Focus on the positive, sometimes we focus on our problems more than our blessings.  It's tough, I know it.

We're here for you.  Send me a private note, if you want.

[enlighten me]

Hi inferno

I think my problem is that she lowered my self esteem to a point where I sometimes think she is the best I can get. I realise that although she never said it I was made to feel I was lucky to have her.

I dwell on my bad points rather than concentrating on my good. I know im a good guy. One day I will meet someone who appreciates me but until then I have to get on with my life and start enjoying it again. Lets face it your more attractive when your not moping around.

it does get easier. This is my second uBPD ex and I am nowhere near the wreck I was withy first.

Hang in there you will be amazed at what life has in store. Im a great believer in khama and believe one day all the bad that has happened will be turned to good. That said its going to have to be a huge win on the euro millions to come close.