Did you lose control of yourself in the r/s?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Another question, still working through some things now that I'm not hurting so badly.

At the end of the r/s, I *twice* got so angry that I yelled and cursed at my X.  The first time was when he said something nasty about my 10 year old daughter, in my hearing, and all hell's fury took over.  We'd been drinking champagne, which probably contributed to my lack of control, but it still took me completely by surprise bc I truly have never cursed at a partner.  I was drunk and furious and went off on him (embarrassing).  Yelled "F you" three times and melted down into a cry-fest... .also something I've never done before.  His "issues" with my children were already an identified problem but somehow he'd convinced me that his not liking my kids was because they were inferior to his... .even though everyone else thinks my kids are great.

The second time, I tried to talk to him about something he'd misled me about and he refused to speak, clenched his jaw and made an icy comment/veiled thread, "you know, we've had a LOT of issues lately" (referencing the above chaotic event) and walked away from me... .again we'd been drinking (at a party) and I yelled after him and called him a bad name.

These two things happened back to back and I think are what made him break up with me.  I'll never know because he wouldn't talk about it.

I'm curious if anyone else behaved in ways they'd never acted before.  It sure did add to my sense of shame and failure, because I am usually calm and patient.

[SickofMe]

Another question, still working through some things now that I'm not hurting so badly.

At the end of the r/s, I *twice* got so angry that I yelled and cursed at my X.  The first time was when he said something nasty about my 10 year old daughter, in my hearing, and all hell's fury took over.  We'd been drinking champagne, which probably contributed to my lack of control, but it still took me completely by surprise bc I truly have never cursed at a partner.  I was drunk and furious and went off on him (embarrassing).  Yelled "F you" three times and melted down into a cry-fest... .also something I've never done before.  His "issues" with my children were already an identified problem but somehow he'd convinced me that his not liking my kids was because they were inferior to his... .even though everyone else thinks my kids are great.

The second time, I tried to talk to him about something he'd misled me about and he refused to speak, clenched his jaw and made an icy comment/veiled thread, "you know, we've had a LOT of issues lately" (referencing the above chaotic event) and walked away from me... .again we'd been drinking (at a party) and I yelled after him and called him a bad name.

These two things happened back to back and I think are what made him break up with me.  I'll never know because he wouldn't talk about it.

I'm curious if anyone else behaved in ways they'd never acted before.  It sure did add to my sense of shame and failure, because I am usually calm and patient.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SickofMe, Don't beat yourself up.  You have nothing to be ashamed about and are not a failure.  You don't need to make excuses.  Those w/BPD bring out the worst in us.  I swore at my BPDxW, too, which is something that I never do, but everyone can get driven over the brink.  We all have a breaking point and pwBPD will push you beyond it.  So don't worry.  Move on and don't second guess yourself, is my advice.  Lucky Jim

[Boss302]

Well, BPDs are a huge challenge to deal with under the best of circumstances, and if you're not at your best, then it just gets worse.

I'd definitely refrain from drinking around him, that's for sure.

[SickofMe]

I'd definitely refrain from drinking around him, that's for sure.

This made me laugh.  I'm not around him any more and don't plan to be... .but will definitely not drink if I think it's possible!

I figured out by the end that I wasn't allowed to ever be having a "hard time," even though my life is objectively more taxing than his.  I know that doesn't mean anything from a more subjective point of view, but anyone on the outside looking in would agree that I have more responsibilities and less time to myself, fewer resources.

I'm not sure how but it all got twisted to where his life was always in focus and my needs were completely "demanding," even when the demand was just for honesty and reciprocity.

[Recooperating]

I have never yelled at anyone... .Except for my exBPDbf... .

I am not proud of it... .I should have not lowered myself to that... .

He was so nasty and hurtfull at times... .He drove me insane... .

Just another reason for me to never go back... .People who love you should bring the worst out of you... .

[SickofMe]

I get it, I'm embarrassed I acted like that.  I've always been so careful to be a "healthy communicator."  Just typing that makes me LOL.

[Boss302]

I'd definitely refrain from drinking around him, that's for sure.

This made me laugh.  I'm not around him any more and don't plan to be... .but will definitely not drink if I think it's possible!

I figured out by the end that I wasn't allowed to ever be having a "hard time," even though my life is objectively more taxing than his.  I know that doesn't mean anything from a more subjective point of view, but anyone on the outside looking in would agree that I have more responsibilities and less time to myself, fewer resources.

I'm not sure how but it all got twisted to where his life was always in focus and my needs were completely "demanding," even when the demand was just for honesty and reciprocity.

Don't be too hard on yourself. BPDs are manipulative by nature and know exactly which buttons to push on you to get a reaction. I have gotten publicly mad at my BPDx while utterly sober. 

The key is low or no contact, if possible.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

I was the opposite. Whenever my ex shouted or behaved unreasonably towards me, I'd just walk away and bite my tongue.

The only time I shouted at her is when I found out she cheated on me. It is also the only time I have sworn at a woman which I am not proud of. However, she may have realised just how much I was hurting at what she did... .

[camuse]

Yes, I never ever shout but I yelled at my BPD twice, once during a rage that went on for 5 hours and was about absolutely nothing, and the second time when she complained about absolutely nothing for 4 days no stop, and i just stop the car and shouted "will you just shut the **** up"

She kept going until I lost my temper. The second time, it actually silenced her totally, and the next day she was upset that I had shouted, but not rage upset - more like a toddler upset.

[Deeno02]

I'd definitely refrain from drinking around him, that's for sure.

This made me laugh.  I'm not around him any more and don't plan to be... .but will definitely not drink if I think it's possible!

I figured out by the end that I wasn't allowed to ever be having a "hard time," even though my life is objectively more taxing than his.  I know that doesn't mean anything from a more subjective point of view, but anyone on the outside looking in would agree that I have more responsibilities and less time to myself, fewer resources.

I'm not sure how but it all got twisted to where his life was always in focus and my needs were completely "demanding," even when the demand was just for honesty and reciprocity.

Yep. When I was sick, I was made fun of. She she had her "Fibromyalgia" bs, I had to drop what I was doing to be by her side. Always one sided.

[Bak86]

Yes. I never get angry, i never fight with anyone. But she got the worst out of me. In the end i didn't even want to voice my opinion anymore, because it would make her annoyed anyway. That's so not me!

[Deeno02]

Yes. I never get angry, i never fight with anyone. But she got the worst out of me. In the end i didn't even want to voice my opinion anymore, because it would make her annoyed anyway. That's so not me!

Same. I would clam up or water down my response. Sometimes I would try humor. Most times, I tucked my johnson between my legs and apologized.

[Tiepje3]

Yes, he was the only one ever in my life I called names and the f-word (multiple times), just out of frustration. And I also had some hysterical fits, when he accused me of something totally unreasonable and tried to punish me for it by belittling me or giving me the silent treatment or threatening to jump out of the car on the highway by trying to open the door ("... I did that just for effect, why do you make such a big deal out of it... .?".

I did not know I had that in me. I know I can be frustrated but so much so that I start to yell or scream? Crazy making behaviour!

[Rifka]

Yes! Yes! Yes! I screamed and yelled at him when I was finally pushed over the edge.

Apparently I wanted to have sex with every man that I so much as said hello to, because every man in my exes mind wanted to have sex with me and it was my fault.

I went on my own screaming rant with him that ended with me saying out loud that I don't even know who I am at that moment.

I loved my ex and could not even imagine being with anybody but him, professed my love constantly. I was so into him!

Too bad I didn't know he could be so horrible, manipulative, mind twisting, and insane until I was in love with him and couldn't find my way out so easily!

It became so bad that I had to stop taking him with me to certain events!

N/C was the only way out for me when I finally found the handle to close that door of my life!

Rifka

[camuse]

I realised a few months in, when she had a sudden rage over nothing. I didn't react, and remember thinking "this is not right"

But the next day she had an excuse (no apology) and I let it go - but deep down I knew something was off

Then I started feeling something was "off" generally but couldn't put my finger on it - on paper everything was amazing, but there was something just not right. I thought maybe she had made a mistake about what kind of person I was. I think this was the idealization, which seemed often to bear little relation to who I actually am. I just had a feeling I wasn't the right guy for her or something. It all just felt like I wasn't involved, if you understand that. Like I was a bystander in my own relationship.

[outside9x]

HI No, I never did.  She was even hitting me and raging at me on the expressway and called me  F$$king liar, which, God know what she was even talkinG about since I been always honest.  

However, the closest I got was on Mother's day with her, as she came to my house after truning down an offer from her girls to take her out for Mother's day, because they asked her on Sat.  the day before, and she flet slighted.

SO she ran to my house, smoked some grass, then took some Xanax (I didn't know at the time) and hours later I took her out for a nice Mother day dinner, and yes we drank.  

She had fun etc, but then went up to my bedroom AND SHE was a bit looped, started smoking grass again, not good, then started swearing very loudily about her kids and how she was treated, and I had all my windows open and I am sure my neighbors heard, then she started getting angry at me, and was really yelling and raging.  Remember, I was nothing but amorous to her the whole day and evenning since i did feel a bit bad for her.  She wouldn't be quiet so finally I told her sternly and in a loud voice, but not yelling or screaming, knock it off, this is my house, my neighbors can hear you and your swearing up a storm, and acting goofy.  I did point my finger near her face which was probably not a good thing to do, but she went on for over 20 minutes and would not quiet down when I asked her to nicely.   Now we are not talking about some immature 20 year old, we are talking about a women that's 60 years old.  (Very hot 60 I made add)

Oh an BTW, when I did that, she ran out of the house (I wasn't sure where she was going at the time) and jumped in her car, without her shoes on, drunk and high as could be.  

I ran after her, and then ran back to the house (since I didn't have my car keys) and fled after her in my car, and her shoes.  Got to her house, and I tried to calm her down, but she slam the door on me but I was able to get the shoes in there.

Next day, no apology, but I heard how rude I was to point my finger in her face. What bad manners I had.  That's exactly what she said, and how badly I treated her.  YEah, holding hands and kissing in the restaurant and being nice the whole day to her.  

DOn't you just love it.  They create the huge hurricane then you clean up the mess and be nice about it, and you are at fault!  LOVE IT!

[Tater tot]

Yes. I think it's not an issue of loosing control on yourself in a relationship, but almost being a completely different person. My ex brought out the worst in me. Initially I was walking on eggshells, as most of us do. I wouldn't voice my opinion, I wouldn't express what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to eat, it was all about doing what I thought he'd want to do, or cause the least amount of drama. I'm a very assertive opinionated person, but with him I was totally meek. I thought it was an issue of being insecure around him, but it was trying to manage and apease the disorder. I've not been like that before a relationship, nor since (we dated seperately twice in life - ten years apart).

Then when I finally had enough, I acted crazy. Checking his FB, obsessively texting him, trying to get validation or lord knows what from him, and then finally snapping (twice). The first saying something hurtful to him that I didn't mean, and this final time calling him out and letting him know exactly what I thought if him. Not proud it came to that point and didn't just walk away, but I don't regret it either.

So yes, not only did i lose control of myself, but I was just a totally different person with him. Relationships should bring out the best in you, and this def. brought out the worst. That alone is a    that I don't ever want to go back to or repeat.

[Infern0]

Yeah I did lose control towards the end. I didn't snap exactly but I was certainly acting like a crazy guy trying to save the RS from her sabotage. And trying to get some truth out of her.

[clydegriffith]

I stopped being myself, stopped voicing my opinions and stayed at work late on purpose to avoid coming home. Most of the time i would have to think, if i do X what will her reaction be? It's so horrible living with a person that you're in constant fear of.

[vortex of confusion]

Yep, I went through a period where I felt like I was completely off my rocker.

My husband wanted me to do stuff with other guys and then come home and tell him about it. He would go back and forth about whether or not we were in an open relationship or not. It was all based on whether or not he currently had a female interest. He would take pictures of me and then send them to my friend. One time, he got in my phone and found out that I sent a picture to my friend without his knowledge. He came unglued on me.

After he snooped on me, I snooped on him and found that he was talking to some girl and was telling her that I had cut him off. He was telling her a whole bunch of crap about me. I read that stuff and got livid because he had just finished telling me that he wasn't doing anything with anyone. In my snooping, I found out that he was taking pictures of himself in the bathroom at work. He has lost one job of looking at porn at work early in the relationship so I had horrible flashbacks. He was out in the yard doing yard work. I went out and I started yelling at him like a crazy woman. It is all still such a blur but I know at one point he got up in my face and was yelling at me and telling me to hit him. So I did. I decked him several times. Later that same night, he got up in my face again and was yelling and trying to get me to hit him again. I was able to walk away that time. The fact that I actually hit my spouse shook me to the core. I do not believe in violence. Heck, I won't even spank my kids. I have always advocated that there are better ways to solve problems than violence. That is a core value for me and here I was violating that. Heck, I feel like lost control and violated several of my own core values. It is very difficult to forgive myself.

And now, I avoid sharing anything with him and I am trying to detach so that nothing he does bothers me. I know that I have to stay until I can find a way to support myself and our 4 kids but I am working towards becoming completely emotionally detached because I can't live with some of the things that I have done.

[Artisan]

Not for a while.

As the drama persisted, my patience and tolerance were worn away. It got to the point that if I even smelled the craziness showing up (could see it in her eyes), I'd get frightened and angry and loud within minutes.

And while I have fought verbally with some of my other ex's, it was very very very rare, and never screaming ; just intense.

With my exBPD ; I yelled so loud that the dishes in the cabinets were vibrating (ahhh, the joys of being a singer and musician, big vocal chords.) ... .

One time, the yelling was just ... .not anger ... .it was pure power express through voice. That was powerful and amazing. The look on her face was priceless, there is nothing that can stop the souls voice.

I felt like i had tapped into some benegeserit power, or something ; that was the one time I knew I was in the right, was secure and stable in my expression, and just would not tolerate any more crazy bs.

[mrsthomps]

It's weird how they can push you into losing control.

My ex said some pretty crazy things about my 5 year old and my mother (he even accused my mom of molesting me as a child... .I have no idea how he made that connection). He always knew what to say to get to me and when I would in turn explode and get angry at him then he would suddenly act like HE was the rational one.

Example: He was sleeping over at my house and I woke up to him going through my cell phone. We hadn't been dating very long and I told him he had to get out immediately. He had been acting weird all day and this was my final straw and a huge breach in my privacy. While he was getting his stuff he kept saying crazy things like, "I hope your daughter gets raped, she's going to be a freaky little goth kid, etc" When I got angry and smacked him for talking about my child like that then he suddenly became the picture of reason. I tried to open the door and he just kept saying my name VERY calmly and telling me I was being irrational. What the heck?

I didn't realize what was happening for quite some time but eventually I realized that it wasn't ME being crazy. It's him pushing me and pushing me and pushing me until I break.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I would get so exasperated by our endless, go-nowhere fights that I sometimes would throw the phone down in frustration. I've never known or seen that side of myself before (or since, thankfully).

[SickofMe]

I still feel embarrassed about losing my cool but you know what?  It's probably even weirder NOT to get angry in these situations.

Especially when someone says something hateful (and about one's CHILD, WOW!) or behaves callously... .it's normal to get mad, isn't it?  I process emotions soo slowly, don't even know how I feel until much later.  At least, usually.  These last couple of events with the X were an astonishing exception to my usual M.O. but I think it was really reaching a boiling point/straw that broke the camel's back, more than an isolated incident type thing.

Not sure why, anger is very hard for me to tap into.  My T has a punching bag and one of her tricks is to have the client beat it with a baseball bat.  NO WAY, never, not happening. I feel ashamed just thinking of doing that, especially in front of someone else!

Oooh dear, I have such a long way to go.

[SickofMe]

"I hope your daughter gets raped, she's going to be a freaky little goth kid, etc"

This actually makes me feel homicidal, maybe there is hope for me yet.  The nerve of him!  Who says something so despicable about anyone, much less a child.  So sad and disgusting, I'm sorry you went through this.  My X didn't say anything nearly that mean about my daughter... .but it was still mean-spirited and vile.  Ugh.

[Pingo]

"I hope your daughter gets raped, she's going to be a freaky little goth kid, etc"

This actually makes me feel homicidal, maybe there is hope for me yet.  The nerve of him!  Who says something so despicable about anyone, much less a child.  So sad and disgusting, I'm sorry you went through this.  My X didn't say anything nearly that mean about my daughter... .but it was still mean-spirited and vile.  Ugh.

Wow, that is sick.  They act like little children having a temper tantrum but use very grown up terms to stomp their feet.

I wasn't even allowed to alter my voice when agitated or angry.  He would focus on how the 'tone' of my voice was squeaky and it triggered him!  He was very skillful at turning the complaint around, taking the heat off him and making me defend myself for my own feelings of anger or upset!  But a few times (usually after a 3 day ST he was 'punishing' me with) I lost it and we did scream at each other.  I don't regret it for one minute.  It was always over the most ridiculous mundane thing too. 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Great post and yep I lost my *%$###*^% heaps of times, not proud of that, but hey, if BP trapped me in his car and wouldn't let me out, driving around for hours on end raging/ranting, I could only take so much of it, (without a good pair of earphones and some i-phone music, not to mention a couple of beers to take the edge off  )

We must not forget that BP's love it when we lose our cool, because then they can scream that you are abusing them, (choke) and play the victim. Ironically, it doesn't seem to register to them that they had been treating you cruelly and abusing your rights as a human being for ages up to minutes before you finally lose your cool.

Actually, strike that out, it DOES register to them what they are doing, and they ARE doing it on purpose to hurt you for some perceived wrong you probably aren't even aware of, (or one that you are, only it will be replayed 200 times or more like a broken record). They enjoy watching you lose your cool, because then they see that you are now feeling just as crappy inside as they do most of the time.

BPs also seem to be major score-keepers, and it never matters that your list of hurts from them is much bigger and far more serious, all they ever do is fester away with resentment for every 'wrong' you or anybody else has ever done to them. It is written here, that the way they treat someone is based on their last memory of that person.

So for example, if BP's parents are often giving, supportive and helpful to the BP, (often financially too), BP will forget all that on the day he/she rages at them, and perhaps his/her Father or Mother give him/her a disapproving look or won't tolerate the BP's raging etc. So if BP sees his parents later that day, or the next even, the BP will likely be rude and aggressive to the parents, simply because the last time BP saw them, they didn't pander to his childish rage session.

Even someone with relatively little history with the BP will soon be subjected to this coldness and cruelty, because the BP will be watching new person closely for any perceived wrongs/flaws they may have, either personally or in their life or the things they say.

Again, what the BP says and does, is not open to discussion/criticism from anyone.

When I think back to the things that my exBP went on about, he would continuously drone on about the things that others had done to him, his whole life, it would be Groundhog Day several days every week, always the same old stories about the same old people in his life, whether it was friends, exes, parents, siblings, workmates you name it.

His inability to move beyond the past is what kept him from having a future and living in the present fully. And I have absolutely no doubt that some poor person will be being subjected to this list over and over again, only this time I will be on it, and it will be lies, designed to draw in some other sucker to his madness.

I rest my case.

[going places]

Another question, still working through some things now that I'm not hurting so badly.

At the end of the r/s, I *twice* got so angry that I yelled and cursed at my X.  The first time was when he said something nasty about my 10 year old daughter, in my hearing, and all hell's fury took over.  We'd been drinking champagne, which probably contributed to my lack of control, but it still took me completely by surprise bc I truly have never cursed at a partner.  I was drunk and furious and went off on him (embarrassing).  Yelled "F you" three times and melted down into a cry-fest... .also something I've never done before.  His "issues" with my children were already an identified problem but somehow he'd convinced me that his not liking my kids was because they were inferior to his... .even though everyone else thinks my kids are great.

I would never, ever tolerate this. Ever.

The second time, I tried to talk to him about something he'd misled me about and he refused to speak, clenched his jaw and made an icy comment/veiled thread, "you know, we've had a LOT of issues lately" (referencing the above chaotic event) and walked away from me... .again we'd been drinking (at a party) and I yelled after him and called him a bad name.

These two things happened back to back and I think are what made him break up with me.  I'll never know because he wouldn't talk about it.

CLASSIC

Make YOU look like the bad guy.

He's a coward.

I'm curious if anyone else behaved in ways they'd never acted before.  It sure did add to my sense of shame and failure, because I am usually calm and patient.

Cllassic. Gaslighting.

That, is abuse.

To make YOU think / believe this is your fault.

To make YOU think / believe YOU did something wrong.

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

See if any of this article look familiar... .

[Lucky Jim]

We must not forget that BP's love it when we lose our cool, because then they can scream that you are abusing them, (choke) and play the victim.

Agree w/you, Rollercoaster.  In my experience, those w/BPD bounce back and forth between victimizer and victim.  They will abuse, goad and bully you until you finally lose it and lash out, at which point they can switch into the victim role.  Then the abuse cycle starts all over again as they return to the victimizer role.  It's like they have only two modes of behavior.

Lucky Jim

[Danie14]

Yes, I've lost I more than once with him. I've never hit him tho, that's something I won't do. I've never destroyed his property either. I have yelled, cussed, and flipped him off during some major arguments. Yes, he has turned that around on me. To make me the bad guy. When I stand up for myself, yup, I'm the bad guy. Lol, and I feel like the bad guy too because it's out of my comfort zone to flip out like that... .but I can say I haven't flipped in a very very long time. I think because I gave up.