Did this turn your exBPD cold too?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there,

Reading through so many posts, and reflecting upon my own recent experience, I'm wondering; was it the case that your exBPD partner switched/painted you seriously black/turned cold/attempted not to recycle as much or at all anymore once you'd challenged them about their lying? Or indeed when you were strong enough to make it clear that you were NOT accepting their bad behaviour anymore?

I distinctly remember the shocked reaction and almost instantly altered behaviour of my exBPD partner when, despite his behaviour being unforgivable, he'd made some suggestion that we'd perhaps 'sort things out', and my reaction being to calmly state that given what I was now aware of about his lies and the full extent of his deceitful behaviour, there was NO way I would contemplate 'trying'.

It was like he switched right off there and then - game over - I'd found him out and called him on it - and he had no where left to go - well, no where that he could so easily manipulate me as he had done before. No where with me that would let him escape the shame of having been 'found out'.

Just wondering if yours turned cold once you'd challenged their unacceptable behaviour or communicated your lack of tolerance for it finally?

Thanks.

C14x

[Compassion14]

Hi there,

Reading through so many posts, and reflecting upon my own recent experience, I'm wondering; was it the case that your exBPD partner switched/painted you seriously black/turned cold/attempted not to recycle as much or at all anymore once you'd challenged them about their lying? Or indeed when you were strong enough to make it clear that you were NOT accepting their bad behaviour anymore?

I distinctly remember the shocked reaction and almost instantly altered behaviour of my exBPD partner when, despite his behaviour being unforgivable, he'd made some suggestion that we'd perhaps 'sort things out', and my reaction being to calmly state that given what I was now aware of about his lies and the full extent of his deceitful behaviour, there was NO way I would contemplate 'trying'.

It was like he switched right off there and then - game over - I'd found him out and called him on it - and he had no where left to go - well, no where that he could so easily manipulate me as he had done before. No where with me that would let him escape the shame of having been 'found out'.

Just wondering if yours turned cold once you'd challenged their unacceptable behaviour or communicated your lack of tolerance for it finally?

Thanks.

C14x

[Pingo]

Oh my goodness, yes!  I got an email 2 months after our split and it was full of terms of endearment and how I had not given him a chance, poor pitiful him, blah blah blah... .Really trying to pull at my heartstrings (which had worked so well for him in the past). But this time I was out of the FOG.  I responded and called him an abuser.  I told him I knew about lies he had told me, secrets he had kept from me (shocking stuff his Brother's wife told me after we split).  His reply, not a day later, was full of vile contempt, projection and denial.  He was so cold and clearly mentally unstable (not that I had any doubt by this point).  Guess he didn't like someone calling him on his ___!  I haven't heard from him since (2 mths ago).  1 month ago I emailed him as he has a bunch of my stuff and refuses to give it back (including my snow tires which I'll need very soon).  Nothing.  I decided it's a blessing.  I've already replaced much of what he's taken of mine and will be buying some used snow tires off craigslist.  If he ever gets around to emailing me back (which I truly doubt), I will just ignore him and remain NC. 

[hurting300]

Yes! I promise you that's why my ex girlfriend disappeared. I called her out a lot on it.

[Rifka]

It took an entire weekend to finally trap him into telling me the truth about a lie I wanted to hear with my own ears. I had to talk to him about trust and that lies will destroy us and that he needed to tell the truth, after about 100 lies in a row, I got the truth!

The truth will set you free! It was my final kick in my head that it was done for good and this man will never get the chance to hurt me again as he did so many times in our 8 month relationship!

There was nowhere to go but forward! That ass had me doubt so many things that just seemed so off, but he swore up and down how he is not lying ( more like he was never telling any truth) everything was a lie!

I stopped communicating by phone and moved it to text so he could not hear my pain and heartbreaking tears that he did not deserve shed for a second longer!

It was the end for me, he tried to contact me, even came to my house in his ups truck out of district. He was insane, shaking and begging. I didn't look at him but I warned him that day that I will see his ass in court the next attempt he makes to contact me. I haven't heard from him except one text the next day asking if I thought about what he said to me! I DID NOT ANSWER HIS LAST TEXT!

He Has made no attempt to contact me after that text. I would not contact him, so we are good! He can keep anything we didn't exchange during recycles.

It's been n/c for just over 2 months now! Hopefully he will forget my birthday is this coming Monday and stay n/c. I am a little concerned about that day. I deleted his number and did not memorize it. I will ignore any bday wish numbers I don't know, just in case!

Rifka

[SickofMe]

It seemed to be what turned my x off, but I can't be entirely sure bc he refused to discuss the breakup with me.

Our r/s wasn't typical though, there was a lot of distance in it the whole time, physically, and it was all "idealization" really, right up until the minute he opted out.

It does look like what really threw him for a loop was my confronting him about a behavior he was doing, even though I told him I wasn't comfortable with it, he agreed to stop, but just kept doing it anyhow and then lied when I discovered the truth.

This may sound paranoid, but I think he only wanted to be with me if I thought he was perfect.  I suspect that's why he kept so much distance all along.  I never thought he was perfect... .but I did think he was a good person, honest and honorable.

The most painful part for me about breaking up was discovering he was neither.  I was okay with it ending, but figuring out he wasn't a good and kind person like I'd thought, is still messing with my mind.

[Tater tot]

It seemed to be what turned my x off, but I can't be entirely sure bc he refused to discuss the breakup with me.

Our r/s wasn't typical though, there was a lot of distance in it the whole time, physically, and it was all "idealization" really, right up until the minute he opted out.

It does look like what really threw him for a loop was my confronting him about a behavior he was doing, even though I told him I wasn't comfortable with it, he agreed to stop, but just kept doing it anyhow and then lied when I discovered the truth.

This may sound paranoid, but I think he only wanted to be with me if I thought he was perfect.  I suspect that's why he kept so much distance all along.  I never thought he was perfect... .but I did think he was a good person, honest and honorable.

The most painful part for me about breaking up was discovering he was neither.  I was okay with it ending, but figuring out he wasn't a good and kind person like I'd thought, is still messing with my mind.

SickofMe- Sounds like we were dating the same exact person. I could have written this word for word.

Compassion- mine started to break when I saw a crack in his mask of perfection. It further broke down when I called into question how his actions failed to meet his words and than was painted black when I stood up for myself and called him out in no uncertain terms about what a jerk he was being.

[KeepOnGoing]

Absolutely. When mine caught wind of what sounded like I might be turning in leaving for good, the very next day she texted me saying she needed time and space apart. It's a power-play. She can have all the time and space she needs. All she did was waste my precious time for the past three years.

[hurting300]

My ex looked at me and said, I'm not use to being talked to that way. I then said, I'm not use to dating a pathological liar that has no heart except for her guy friends. I then set two simple rules in place. 1. No more lies. 2. Get a job. Well she disappeared.

[Emelie Emelie]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

[LuckyNicki]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

Holy cow this makes a lot of sense.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

Charlatans of love.  Call them out on their love quackery and they run for the dating sites.

[SickofMe]

I don't think I'd *ever* have suspected BPD except for the part about being "painted black."  It is really the most horrifying part of this experience.

My x didn't rage and wasn't out of control toward me.  I knew he had mental health issues--depression, anxiety, bad insomnia/sleep disorder/eating disorder, but I never knew he was capable of being cruel.

There is something earth-shattering about being treated cruelly by someone you've been completely devoted to. I think it's compounded by the length of the r/s (2.5 years) and the fact that I'd never seen this side of him the whole time.   Makes me feel like I've been dating a cardboard cutout and not a real person.  He had made some vague comments about "being too judgy" and I'd witnessed his ability to cut people out of his life, but never dreamed that could be aimed at me.  After all, he'd constantly say:  How did I get so lucky?  You are out of my league... .I think about you all the time, etc. etc. etc.  I still can't decide whether he meant any of it or it was pure flattery/manipulation.

Maybe because they are only able to see people in terms of black and white, they assume we all operate that way, i.e. if we learn they have character flaws, we will no longer idealize them and love them.

I was so ready to have a real relationship.  The kind where you know someone intimately, strengths and flaws, and love them deeply... .and vice versa.  I'd shared my greatest vulnerabilities with my x (which was hard for me, really hard!) and thought he had my best interests at heart.

I feel like if he could have broken up with me in a normal and decent fashion, this whole thing would still have hurt, but wouldn't have included the element of confusion and train-wreck-ish-ness.

Sorry, kinda hijacked!  But it makes a lot of sense to me that being confronted about lying could trigger a BPD to leave.  It probably makes them feel vulnerable and the defenses come up immediately.  I mean, nobody likes to be caught in the act, but the shame is probably greater for someone with these issues.

[SickofMe]

Or indeed when you were strong enough to make it clear that you were NOT accepting their bad behaviour anymore?

P.S.  This also spoke to me, loud and clear.  I took a stand about what was, to me, an important issue (his dysfunctional relationship with his ex-wife, no boundaries).  It wasn't so much because I was feeling strong, more the opposite--I was worn down with being expected accept everything without a peep, listen to all the moaning and groaning about the ex, all while he continued a crazy dance with her.  I felt like it was ridiculous and was tired of the drama.

Really that was all it took.  And yes, it was the first time I seriously set a boundary and expressed my feelings and thoughts about the situation.  Before that, I sorta felt like it was none of my business.

[Deeno02]

Yep. It was a slow progression. Deep down I new I was being turned black, of course I was totally unfamilar with BPD at the time, but I knew something was wrong. I was being pushed out slowly and after her last ultimatum of "treat me special or else" I went into a funk to try and sort this out. When I tried to work it out with her, she said she was done, she finally knew what she wanted. Then said some other bad crap to me and went on her merry way with the new guy days later. I still didnt give up. Went with flowers to her HS volleyball practice, professed my love to her and she yanked the flowers from my hand, tossed them by her stuff, said how inappropriate it was. I tried to beg for another chance, she said save it for the next girl friend, called my daughter my wife, blamed a sex issue on me (what sex issue? First I had heard of it), said I should have dumped your ass in May (this was September) because I didnt take her on vacation, that I didnt buy her things(?) and other unsavory comments. Left out of there shattered and now Im here.

I fully understand now after being on this forum. Im not perfect by any means and there are things that can be done in any relationship to make then better. I firmly believe that they DONT want to make them better. I believe they LIKE the feeling they get making someone black and being the victim. I also believe that USE it to their advantage locking on to the replacement because Ive seen it and lived it ( I was the first guy she dated after her separation/Divorce). I was duped into being in love. I was incapable of expressing my feelings because I was afraid to lose her even when I had already lost her on day one. So I sucked it up and dealt with it until we started fading and she pushed me off the cliff.

Its funny, 26 Year Navy Chief Petty Officer with numerous combat tours and I was afraid of a 130lb woman with 5 kids, whom I was planning on marrying ( I was going to propose on her birthday 1 October) who I believe never loved me at all, but was in love with having someone on her chain and that once her life got back into some sort of order(they never really do), I was put under the microscope to see what falts were there( and there are many) with which to get rid of me. Push/Pull came and went, never bought into it and just stayed silent, but in the long run, I snapped and went silent to figure it all out, and, as I said, that was the last big straw for her and I was sent packing... .Spent the last 7 weeks picking up the pieces of this and I realize, that although I'm not perfect, Im me and she couldnt accept that. I love her dearly(I think) but theres no way in hell she will ever darken my door again. I wont allow it. Never again.

[Compassion14]

Thank you all. Very eye opening and validating to hear your very similar experiences.

This all makes a lot of sense, as did several of your insightful comments.

Hugs.

C14 x

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

[Waifed]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

Holy cow this makes a lot of sense.

Mine contacted the police when I suggested she was BPD. The first thing out of the cops mouth was "she asked me to tell you to never contact her OR HER FRIENDS ever again. That pretty much sums up her fear of being exposed. I was truly shocked when this happened even though it was what I needed to get away from her.

They can "paint you black" but I don't think they can completely shut off their feelings for you. It has to hurt on some level when you know that the person that cared about you exposes you for who you are, and you immediately realize you have lost that person forever.

[Compassion14]

[/quote]
Mine contacted the police when I suggested she was BPD. The first thing out of the cops mouth was "she asked me to tell you to never contact her OR HER FRIENDS ever again. That pretty much sums up her fear of being exposed. I was truly shocked when this happened even though it was what I needed to get away from her.

They can "paint you black" but I don't think they can completely shut off their feelings for you. It has to hurt on some level when you know that the person that cared about you exposes you for who you are, and you immediately realize you have lost that person forever. [/quote]
Yep. I spoke with his sister who was shocked by the truth of his behavior... .and the next day he threatened to call the police if I ever spoke to her or his family again!

He is SO afraid of the real him being exposed. Tragic.

I hope it does hurt him... .that knowing how he's abused me keeps him up at night. Even on some level. That would be some justice.

[hurting300]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

Holy cow this makes a lot of sense.

Mine contacted the police when I suggested she was BPD. The first thing out of the cops mouth was "she asked me to tell you to never contact her OR HER FRIENDS ever again. That pretty much sums up her fear of being exposed. I was truly shocked when this happened even though it was what I needed to get away from her.

They can "paint you black" but I don't think they can completely shut off their feelings for you. It has to hurt on some level when you know that the person that cared about you exposes you for who you are, and you immediately realize you have lost that person forever.

It does hurt them I'm sure of it.

[KeepOnGoing]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

Thank you for this understanding. I think I'm starting to get it now.

[Mr Hollande]

I think that's very typical. Once you "see" them for who they really are; well they can't deal with that. I mean they literally cannot deal with that. Triggers their shame and guilt. So they deal by painting us black.

Charlatans of love.  Call them out on their love quackery and they run for the dating sites.

That one calls for a sign that says GUFFAW but in the absence of one of those this one will have to do. 

[KeepOnGoing]

I don't think I'd *ever* have suspected BPD except for the part about being "painted black."  It is really the most horrifying part of this experience.

My x didn't rage and wasn't out of control toward me.  I knew he had mental health issues--depression, anxiety, bad insomnia/sleep disorder/eating disorder, but I never knew he was capable of being cruel.

There is something earth-shattering about being treated cruelly by someone you've been completely devoted to. I think it's compounded by the length of the r/s (2.5 years) and the fact that I'd never seen this side of him the whole time.   Makes me feel like I've been dating a cardboard cutout and not a real person.  He had made some vague comments about "being too judgy" and I'd witnessed his ability to cut people out of his life, but never dreamed that could be aimed at me.  After all, he'd constantly say:  How did I get so lucky?  You are out of my league... .I think about you all the time, etc. etc. etc.  I still can't decide whether he meant any of it or it was pure flattery/manipulation.

Maybe because they are only able to see people in terms of black and white, they assume we all operate that way, i.e. if we learn they have character flaws, we will no longer idealize them and love them.

I was so ready to have a real relationship.  The kind where you know someone intimately, strengths and flaws, and love them deeply... .and vice versa.  I'd shared my greatest vulnerabilities with my x (which was hard for me, really hard!) and thought he had my best interests at heart.

I feel like if he could have broken up with me in a normal and decent fashion, this whole thing would still have hurt, but wouldn't have included the element of confusion and train-wreck-ish-ness.

Sorry, kinda hijacked!  But it makes a lot of sense to me that being confronted about lying could trigger a BPD to leave.  It probably makes them feel vulnerable and the defenses come up immediately.  I mean, nobody likes to be caught in the act, but the shame is probably greater for someone with these issues.

Sickofme, mine wasn't a rager either. More of a waif who posed as someone who needed to be rescued. We've been NC for four months now. It does feel awful to not have closure, but I am sure that trying to get closure would be distorted and terribly painful. She's doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I am seeing this is a blessing in disguise really. Went to an energy healer who worked on setting me free. Also asked the healer to heal my ex BPD friend's energy as well. She had a tough time due to her energetic defiance, but I think the healer got it done. I feel free today. Thank you for all you have shared here.

[SickofMe]

She's doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I am seeing this is a blessing in disguise really. Went to an energy healer who worked on setting me free. Also asked the healer to heal my ex BPD friend's energy as well. She had a tough time due to her energetic defiance, but I think the healer got it done. I feel free today.

What kind of practitioner did you see, Reiki?  Something different?  I visited a psychic recently on vacation to Sedona.  I don't really believe in the "fortune telling" part but she was as empathic and intuitive as any therapist I've ever seen.  She gave me an exercise for forgiveness (that I've been too lazy/obsessed with my hurt) to do.  She said do it morning and night until you feel a release:

The Law of Forgiveness

The guidelines of the Forgiveness Prayer are as follows:

When you rise in the morning and before retiring at night, for at least 10 – 14 days, sit quietly with your eyes closed and picture in your mind's eye the Soul you wish to forgive smiling and happy. Then say the following prayer, out loud, to this Soul:

"(Say the name of the Soul here), I forgive you for everything you've ever said or done to me in thought, word or deed that has caused me pain in this or any other lifetime, on all levels and all dimensions. You are free and I am free!"

And "(Say name of the Soul here), I ask that you forgive me for anything that I have ever said or done to you in thought, word or deed in this or any other lifetime that has caused you pain. You are free and I am free!"

"Thank you, God/Creator/Universe, for this opportunity to forgive (say name of the Soul here) and to forgive myself."

You will know when to cease saying this prayer, possibly after 10 days to 2 weeks, when you experience some shift in your attitude towards this Soul. A sense of release may come in the form of crying, laughter, a feeling of wellbeing, etc. You may also experience the Soul's attitude change towards you! You will find yourself freed from pain while becoming happier, healthier and feeling more peace in mind, body and spirit.

I am going to try this.  Feeling so conflicted about a person I loved deeply is just awful and it's eating at me.  I don't want to be bitter and stuck and self-pitying.

[Compassion14]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

The suddenly turning, the 'love of your life' to 'not even apparently worthy of a much needed conversation' is so confusing and devastating, it's so helpful to gain some understanding of the turning point.

"She's doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I am seeing this is a blessing in disguise really."

This speaks to me - by being so scared of me having worked out who he really is, he's run for the hills apparently - and in doing so has allowed me to be away from him and begin to detach, review and realise just how chaotic and twisted he made my life - something that I was too in love with him to allow myself to see or act upon while under his carefully crafted spell.

So sad. So tragic that the real them is something they can't bear others to have insight into.