Am I forever scared after BPD breakups and other setbacks ?

[tomjon78]

Yet again here !

Posted my first post here about 1 and 1/2 year ago. Got into a RS with a uBPD who really messed up my life. Our lates contact was just under a year ago.

My life has been very dramatic the last 4 years. Was married and our second child was born in 2010. She was very ill 2 months old and almost passed away. She is diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, autism and epilepsy. We also have a son who is 2 years older.

We divorced in 2011 and it was a hard divorce but we are ok today and have worked things out as well as possible. I then got into a rs. in the spring 2012 with a women I fell for really hard. Partly I was so ready for love after being emotionally and physically deserted in my previous Rs.

Everything looked and felt so good but then... .all hell broke loose. She had most of the BPD symptoms and I fortunately got away. Had a lot of help from my T. and also from here and my friends. I lost a lot of my money but foremost I lost a lot of self esteem and it has been difficult. She found another guy, left me alone and is now living in a big house and just had a child.

I´ve done most things "right". Started dating after a while but I am as cold as ice and emotionally numb towards women. I have battled depression and anxiety.

But now the last few months I´ve been struggling. I´m not getting out of really bad thoughts. Not seeing the future bright and feeling suicidal, like my mind is spinning away and really frustrated how my life has turned out.

I just wonder... .I´ve had to be strong for so long in my life (i was sexually abused as a child, my family issues are big, my father in prison etc.).

But now I´m really giving up and see no end to this torture in my head.

[SickofMe]

Are you still in therapy?

This sounds serious and like you need professional help.

If you can find an EMDR therapist, I'd give it a go--it can be really helpful triage for trauma.

One of my children got really sick in 2006 (seizures) and it really set the ball rolling for me, trauma-wise, I wonder if that wasn't sorta "the beginning of the end" for you.  I believe trauma spawns more trauma.

Please get help.  Life sometimes seems so bleak but it doesn't have to be and suicidal thoughts are not something you should ignore.

[tomjon78]

Are you still in therapy?

This sounds serious and like you need professional help.

If you can find an EMDR therapist, I'd give it a go--it can be really helpful triage for trauma.

One of my children got really sick in 2006 (seizures) and it really set the ball rolling for me, trauma-wise, I wonder if that wasn't sorta "the beginning of the end" for you.  I believe trauma spawns more trauma.

Please get help.  Life sometimes seems so bleak but it doesn't have to be and suicidal thoughts are not something you should ignore.

I´m still in therapy with my Pscychogist but I am thinking of meeting a doctor to get medicine. I´m really thinking I will be needing drugs to help me. I know all the "by the book" solutions but it is not enough.

[Blimblam]

I'm really sorry your hurting john!

It does get better though it may hurt for a very long time.

The head ruminates as a part of the processing what happened.

Perhaps try using a mantra like "I am not my thoughts I am just observing them. I am not my emotions I am just experiencing them."

Meditation has been a big tool for me although when my mind ruminates out of control it may take me days or weeks to get into a deep meditative state.

A mantra helps though to get through it though by getting into observer mode and letting them flow.

For a more immediate release crying is amazing but it has been hard for me to cry.

a tool for me to cry has been music. I recommend these songs.

Swan lake by Tchaikovsky

Sleeping beauty by a perfect a perfect circle

3 libras by a perfect circle.