i didnt deserve this.

[Whiteytheox72]

I didnt deserve this hell on earth. I didnt deserve to lose almost three years of my life. I didnt deserve to be left standing broken and alone hollow inside. I didnt deserve to become so fearful from your threats I carry a gun on the rare occasions I leave my home. I didnt deserve to have to be on high alert and have my head on a swivel when Im in public. I didnt deserve to have to panic every time the phone rings or there is a knock at the door. I didnt deserve to become physically ill when I hear the words or soulmate. I dont deserve to be near tearz every moment awake. I didnt deserve to be awoken by a strange phone call only to heat you try and explain your incestuous dominant/submissive relationship with your cousin 30 years older than you. All I did was open my heart and home to you. I listened to your crisis after crisis. I welcomed your children as my own. I changed my life for you because I loved you. But you were nothing more than a ghost in the machine. I sadistic ghost that senses when I begin to become strong again and you somehow strike. I knew it was too good to be true when the middle class suburban barbie doll fell so hard for the tattooed scarred up hard man. For a brief moment I felt special.  I thought fairy tails do come true. I had a beautiful best friend and lover. I now live a nightmare feeling like I can take no more.  Ive led a hard life but Ive never felt defeated until your cannonball of a life crashed into mine. I loved you beyond the bounds of words and now I just hate you so bad it makes me weep.

I didnt deserve this not at all.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well written Whitey.  And she didn't deserve to end up with a personality disorder either.  But regardless of what we deserve, can you ask better questions?  Like what can I learn from this experience?  How can I use this?  What is there to learn here?, remembering that when the student is ready the teacher or the lesson appears.  I'm sorry you're hurting, I understand, and it's not what happened, it's what we make it mean.  Take care of you!

[AG]

Its ok to vent here. Let it out bro. Let it out. I feel u none of us did deserve this.Ur gonna get thru this like the warrior u are remember? Remember what u wrote before I still do. Its still one of the posts saved to my favorites. Read back on it again brother. Im sorry ur in pain. U will rise again man. This is what they do its in theyre nature. Nothing we can do about it but fight thru the pain and arise a new even stronger. Ur gonna be a better u after u fight thru this.

[clydegriffith]

I used to tell myself that all the time but it just ends up eating you inside. Obviously i still feel that way but you just have to try and move on and make the best of it. You can't undo what's been done.

[Whiteytheox72]

I am a warrior and I acknowledged the painful thoughts that were racing through my head last night. I have picked myself up and dusted myself off yet again and am NC yet again. Even warriors weep and slip, but a warrior feels the pain behind the tears and does what he has to do no matter how painful to be pain free tomorrow.

[fred6]

Hell, from doing a bunch of reading from the member 2010. I'm not a warrior, I'm the "lonely child" that just got his ass kicked by the "angry child" in our dysfunctional dance of sickness. And oh boy, do I ever feel like the lonely child these days... .

[Flora73]

Yes Member 2010 has said some profound things!

[Deeno02]

Yes Member 2010 has said some profound things!

How do I find member 2010?