Believing their own lies

[clydegriffith]

I think the people with BPD believe the lies they tell people. I'm fully convinced that the BPDx tells the current replacement and anyone that will listen that i am some sort of deadbeat and don't financially support my child. This works to her advantage as she can garner sympathy and also use that as an edxcuse to trick new replacement into babysitting her kids all night while she bartends because she needs the extra money. Their lies somehow become their reality.

I was speaking with the BPDx the other day and she kept going on and on about having to pay a couple of hundred dollars a month for our daughters daycare and saying i don't need to worry about it because i'm not the one paying for it. Mind you, i voluntarily send her close to a thousand dollars a month in child support. I really really had to hold my tounge there because if i would so much as point out that i send her all that money, so technically yes, i'm paying for it, it would have been another huge fight. A year ago i probably would have said something but not any more. Confronting her on that would have taken her out of her reality and hence trigger an episode.



Also, is staying quiet the best approach when it comes to these people?

[Take2]

Hi Clydegriffith... .   yes, I fully agree that they often twist history/reality into their own version and fully believe it 100%.  So is it a lie when they say it?  Sometimes yes, sometimes not to them.  They have a very strong need to believe that they are okay.  That they are not bad.  They need to believe what they do.

And if you fight them on it and point out reality, it will only make them hold much tighter to it... . 

So is staying quiet the best approach?  well, it depends.  Not aggravating the situation is best.  Sometimes that means being quiet.  Sometimes it means validating their feelings and making sure to not defend yourself.  Very tricky to pull off given what some come up with.  If you haven't already done so, you might want to read some of the tools and lessons on the staying board.  You will have to have communication with your ex given that you have kids.  Even without a r/s, it will help you to be able to communicate in the most effective way possible... .   

[Pingo]

I think they do believe their own lies sometimes.  I caught my husband stalking me while visiting a friend.  He had been suspicious, paranoid and invading my privacy prior to this and I just had a feeling he was watching me while I was there.  Sure enough I caught him!  His excuse: It was foggy and he was concerned for me getting home!  Such nonsense!  I asked for a divorce that night!  He then proceeded to tell anyone who would listen about how he had been so concerned for my safety and that I just didn't appreciate it.  He adamantly stuck to that story even after we recycled and split again for the last time.  I do think he had convinced himself that it was true.  Or else he is the world's best actor!

[tired-of-it-all]

They absolutely believe their own lies.  It is maddening to deal with this.  I keep wanting her to face the truth.  To admit the truth.  It isn't going to happen.  Just maddening.

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDxw does this also.  I actually stumbled upon BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying"   

I believe the lying is some kind of coping mechanism... .I can't handle what is happening so I have to create something I can handle, I'm not getting what I want so I have to create a story to get the response I want, I feel it - therefore it must be, to fit in I better say xyz, someone is getting to close to the truth so I have to create a diversion - quick make up a new even more dramatic story!  I'm empty and have to fill myself up, even if it's self destructive or hurtful to someone else... .I better cover it up. 

I think they believe their own lies because they must, the alternative is shame, pain and reality.

[neverloveagain]

I came across a few pages of my BPDgf diary once and wow the stuff she wrote in there days we spent together re written in her minds eye and i couldnt believe how i was reffered to in it, any of you others here find there little book of thoughts reads like a crazy novel but its what she believed     i should of jumped there and then and pulled my ripcord.

[Bak86]

When the lips of someone with BPD move, they lie. My ex always makes bold statements about sex to strangers, but when it comes to down it, she's the biggest prude in the world. She always acts confident, but she's completely insecure. Always baffles me.

Everbody lies though, even non's and even me. I even lied to her a couple of times, just to make sure i didn't get a reaction i did not want from her. It's human nature. pwBPD are just experts at it.

[ScotisGone74]

The real crazy factor here that I take away from a BPD lying is that they will continue to do so right to your face even when presented with the true facts.    When given the opportunity to come clean and just be honest about the bs theyve been doing covertly they cant do it- its time for them to jump to the next relationship full bore.   They just can't face the truth or admit to it, that they live in their own world seperate from the reality you and I live in.  They live with soo much shame their psyche has no room to admit fault on their part.   You will never convince crazy is crazy, better to just let crazy be.   

[SlyQQ]

There is something i woiuld like to say that while on the surface is obvious but nevertheless took me a while an quite a journey to understand. The posts i have read an in general you will find are of the nature 1 How could they cheat on me, the awnser is how could they not it is almost impossible for someone who is BPD to NOT cheat on you furthermore they will blame YOU for it regardless of the circumstances any remorse or regret will be purely a show this is BPD an if you wish to maintain a relationship is something you need to understand it is possible overtime for a BPD individual to LEARN otherwise but it is unnatural for them once you grasp that they are not like you or ' normal " people and that you are in general placing unrealistic expectations upon them life becomes simpler 2 How could they be so cruel /selfish/uncaring Again people with BPD do not trust anyone ( not down deep and certainly not LONG term ) they are waiting/ scared of being crossed by you and in general adopt a strategy of do unto others before they do unto you it is a NATURAL defense mechanism to protect themselves again regardless of how baseless this may be in fact , fact has little relavence when dealing with numerous mental conditions 3 They seemed so genuine they tricked me ... .people with BPD are experts at tricking people not least of all THEMSELVES it is hard not to believe someone ho has convinced themselves on some level what they are saying is basically true

bottom line BPD is dangerous especially when you do not know what you are dealing with if you do KNOW then you should know what to expect so go forward with your eyes open and dont be suprised if you get burnt or even incinerated but realistically it is not the fault of the BPD individual it is going to come down to you either dealing with the failures you will face and the long hard winding road to a perhaps unlikely succes posted this reply elsewhere look up gaslighting it is a sought of double think it may help explain

[ScotisGone74]

Well thanks for pointing out that its our fault they have BPD and critiquing our posts with your lengthy record here.    Anyway as far as the lying goes, most rational people, when confronted with the facts of proof, will usually cop to it, but a BPD cant- that would equal two worlds collidin .

[Blimblam]

Well thanks for pointing out that its our fault they have BPD and critiquing our posts with your lengthy record here.    Anyway as far as the lying goes, most rational people, when confronted with the facts of proof, will usually cop to it, but a BPD cant- that would equal two worlds collidin .

It's obviously not our fault. It's your fault.

No I jest. The thing is while in the rs those things are not obvious and being gaslit badly drives one to the brink and beyond. It's a sad state if affairs how it all works.

[ScotisGone74]

Jest by all means but if you re going to copy and paste use my whole post rather than just pieces of it. 

[SlyQQ]

it seems einsteins defenition of insanity has been mentioned a few times here lately "doing the same thing over an over again an expecting different results " BPD by definition displays certain traits that will repeat themselves in all BPD individuals expecting them to act differently though possible is not entirely rational one of the general traits is recalcitrance i was just trying to point this out to save useless heartache, as to whos fault it is they have BPD certainly not ours? and probably not theirs either but you have to play the cards your dealt so play them well

[H0lding0n]

I believe panda is right it is a coping mechanism. I know it least in my experience with my BPD he does know the difference between his truth and lies although he will hold on to those lies for dear life. but every so often he will confess that he knows darn well that its all him that what he said wasn't true and that's just what you really really wanted to believe. that is how he got through that situation in that moment. those confessions are few and far between but they gave me a great insight into what is really going on in his head. we once had an ordeal because he broke into my facebook and read some private messages and deleted a bunch of things. I knew it was him from the beginning but he insisted that I had been hacked by someone else and he maintained that lie for a very long time. he would bring it up over and over again and one day he confessed that it was him and that he was very hurt reading a message I had sent to a friend about some of the stuff that was going on and the thing that hurt him the worst is that he knew everything I had said was true.until he was ready to deal with it he lied about it.