tortuous unrequited caring.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Been going over in my head

should i unblock from fb... .should i not?

i miss him... its difficult to let go of one of the

few constants i had in my life for the past 3 years.

i keep wondering if he misses me... .not once has he reached out.

i doubt he will... .i am starting to feel like his love/care/attraction

was fabricated just bc he wanted sex. i keep getting this dark

feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking hes a bad person...

i despise the thought that he is a bad person... .bc it means

he is deceptive and sociopathic. i hate the thought that i would

have let someone in my life like this.

my god when will it end? when will i feel indifferent?

its toture and im so sick of it.

I want a day to pass that i dont think of him.

he doesnt give a rats ass about me. how can i go on caring about

someone who has nothing for me?

how can i have empathy for someone who treated me so poorly.

he left smiling. hes probably smiling right now... .

i just want this to end. i want my life the way it was before

i fell in love with him. i dont know if ill ever be the same again.

[going places]

Been going over in my head

should i unblock from fb... .should i not?

DON'T unblock him.

Take the facebook ap off your phone.

DO NOT make contact... .trust me.

i miss him... its difficult to let go of one of the

few constants i had in my life for the past 3 years.

i keep wondering if he misses me... .not once has he reached out.

i doubt he will... .i am starting to feel like his love/care/attraction

was fabricated just bc he wanted sex. i keep getting this dark

feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking hes a bad person...

He does not miss you. I do not say this to hurt you... .

But he does not miss you.

His "love-care-attention" was to extract from you what he wanted: sex.

You are worth FAR MORE than that.

FAR more.

Stay away from him... .or he will ruin you.

i despise the thought that he is a bad person... .bc it means

he is deceptive and sociopathic. i hate the thought that i would

have let someone in my life like this.

I was abused by an Antisocial, Narcissist Sociopath. FOR 20 years.

I asked the same question: HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS?

Well, he warped my brain; then traumatized me so badly, I could not think.

It took me a better part of THREE YEARS to dig my head out of my butt.

Stay away from this man... .don't waste another second of your life.

my god when will it end? when will i feel indifferent?

its toture and im so sick of it.

I want a day to pass that i dont think of him.

he doesnt give a rats ass about me. how can i go on caring about

someone who has nothing for me?

Read books on improving YOU.

See someone, counselor, advocate, therapist... .someone.

Read books on why you chose his type, and how never to choose someone like him again.

Read books on healthy relationships.

FOCUS ON YOU. Making YOU healthy.

how can i have empathy for someone who treated me so poorly.

he left smiling. hes probably smiling right now... .

i just want this to end. i want my life the way it was before

i fell in love with him. i dont know if ill ever be the same again.

NO you will be BETTER because you will know how to avoid UNhealthy relationships!

ALL FOCUS has to be on YOU and getting YOU better, healthy, and happy.

Do not think about him and his dysfunction.

Focus on YOU.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

You know... a part if me wants him to call

and tell me how sorry he is for treating me badly... .and i want to believe

he means it.

but i think about all the times he has been : " i love you so so much

i am so sorry for the pain i have caused you... "

yet he turns around and does the same exact thing again.

anytime i set a reasonable boundary he jets.

truly diminishes the probability that his apology was genuine... .

probably just said to recycle me out of his own lonliness and fears.

i love being his last option bc he cant be alone... really makes me feel special.

i am angry... .its resonates thinly... but its there.

i have stucj by his side through so much... gave so much.

while he gave crumbs... acted like the victim and treated me

as disposable.

his cruelty was totally undeserved. I hate loving

someone whos care is nit equivalent to mine...

Who loves me only partially... when it suits him.

i feel ******* usedwnd mistreated. what is after the angry stage again?

i dont want to keep oscillating through stages i just want to keep movibg forward

Bc right now i feel weak. like a part of me wants him. to contact

its just a game for him to prove he can have me. its not really me he wants...

its his lonliness he doesnt want. he uses me to fill a void...

i deserve so much more than that.

he has no appreciation for me and its sad. hes going to have to

live with his choice. bc he has missed out.

[Deeno02]

Do not. Stay away from them.

[fromheeltoheal]

I gave and gave to my ex, pining for reciprocation, giving never getting, grasping onto tidbits of affection hoping it meant more and would open up, to make the real relationship match the version in my head.  Chasing a fantasy like an addiction, more juiced by the buzz of chasing and not getting than by anything she was doing or being.  Futile and exhausting.

But you know what?  My motives were pure, my heart was in the right place, the right person would be ecstatic they had me.  The only tweak required: don't chase something that isn't there, and the thrill of the chase feels exhilarating but it's not love.  Beyond that no changes required.  We were doing everything right!  Just to the wrong person.  Time to redirect what is right to someone who can appreciate it.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Been going over in my head

should i unblock from fb... .should i not?

i miss him... its difficult to let go of one of the

few constants i had in my life for the past 3 years.

i keep wondering if he misses me... .not once has he reached out.

i doubt he will... .i am starting to feel like his love/care/attraction

was fabricated just bc he wanted sex. i keep getting this dark

feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking hes a bad person...

i despise the thought that he is a bad person... .bc it means

he is deceptive and sociopathic. i hate the thought that i would

have let someone in my life like this.

my god when will it end? when will i feel indifferent?

its toture and im so sick of it.

I want a day to pass that i dont think of him.

he doesnt give a rats ass about me. how can i go on caring about

someone who has nothing for me?

how can i have empathy for someone who treated me so poorly.

he left smiling. hes probably smiling right now... .

i just want this to end. i want my life the way it was before

i fell in love with him. i dont know if ill ever be the same again.

Your heart mirrors mine.  You are not alone.  I am going through similar emotions.  I wrestle back and forth with the pain, the emptiness, the bruised ego, the anger, the bitterness, and the fact that I, a pretty smart level headed person, allowed myself to be so blind.  I don't know when it gets easier or if we just learn to cope, but the journey is tumultuous.  

To shed a little insight, I had made the decision to stand by my uBPDx if she made the commitment to seek help.  After 7 days of NC I gave into temptation.  We have been texting, only texting, the past couple of weeks and we talk about absolutely nothing.  I feel like this is a band aid over my wounds.  It isn't allowing me to fully grieve.  One minute I seem together the next I am falling a part.  I know that I would be this way even without the texting but I don't think it would be so "whacky".  

My point is if you have NC in place as hard as it may seem, stick with it.  When breached the heart and the mind continue to battle.  I know I am not in the best place emotionally but the thought of turning my back on her seems almost unbearable.  If she doesn't seek help, or if she isn't committed to it, I will wave the white flag.  I try not to look at her as being heartless or evil, she is ill.  I've learned though it is impossible for me to care more about her, than she care about herself.

As lonely as you feel you are not entirely.  I know that is hardly comforting but I think that all of us need to start facing the truth.  It starts here.

Warmest regards.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

But you know what?  My motives were pure, my heart was in the right place, the right person would be ecstatic they had me.  The only tweak required: don't chase something that isn't there, and the thrill of the chase feels exhilarating but it's not love.  Beyond that no changes required.  We were doing everything right!  Just to the wrong person.  Time to redirect what is right to someone who can appreciate it.

Spot on.  I kept saying to myself there is nothing more I could have done.  I'd have given her the world if I could.  To someone else it would have been the love they had dreamt of.  I am not perfect but 100% committed, loyal, comforting.  A great catch!  When she broke things off with me I turned to my confidante and said over and over "I did everything right, I did everything right".  I was truly at a loss why I wasn't what she wanted.  Now I know.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

But you know what?  My motives were pure, my heart was in the right place, the right person would be ecstatic they had me.  The only tweak required: don't chase something that isn't there, and the thrill of the chase feels exhilarating but it's not love.  Beyond that no changes required.  We were doing everything right!  Just to the wrong person.  Time to redirect what is right to someone who can appreciate it.

Spot on.  I kept saying to myself there is nothing more I could have done.  I'd have given her the world if I could.  To someone else it would have been the love they had dreamt of.  I am not perfect but 100% committed, loyal, comforting.  A great catch!  When she broke things off with me I turned to my confidante and said over and over "I did everything right, I did everything right".  I was truly at a loss why I wasn't what she wanted.  Now I know.

I dated a BPD waif for years.  She was alcoholic and so I never really took the relationship seriously.  We would meet up once or twice a week and chill and have a laugh.  She professed her love for me but - as I say, so long as she was on the booze then she was never a serious prospect.  Eventually she did give up the booze and I started to take a serious interest.  I allowed her to move in.  Anyway she painted me black pretty quick.  The only way you can keep the BPD with you is to keep them at an arm's length. They are not wired for a serious r/s.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Its sad they arent wired for long term relationships because they crave and want them so badly... what a prison.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

When i think about those moments laying in bed with his

arms wrapped around me... .giving me kisses and talking... .

i crumble.

[fromheeltoheal]

Its sad they arent wired for long term relationships because they crave and want them so badly... what a prison.

Yep, and that's where the compassion for borderlines comes from, if for no other reason than it feels a lot better in our hearts once we've made peace.

[Deeno02]

When i think about those moments laying in bed with his

arms wrapped around me... .giving me kisses and talking... .

i crumble.

Im the same way. When we were driving, she would grab on to my arm and hug it with her head on my shoulder. Ive never felt so loved or needed.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Countless times i have driven to hin tobtell him i loved him...

that i needed him... wanted him...

never has done that for me.

ill get a fb message at most for a recycle... .not even a phone call.

he has put in very little effort for me... .

great indicator of how deep his love goes.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

When i think about those moments laying in bed with his

arms wrapped around me... .giving me kisses and talking... .

i crumble.

Im the same way. When we were driving, she would grab on to my arm and hug it with her head on my shoulder. Ive never felt so loved or needed.

It's funny though not really, if someone "Asks me how did she show you she loved you," I have no real answer.  Her actions negated my definition of love.  She only put forth a fraction of the effort I did, she was deceptive, she lied to me... so I have no real answer.  The little things that you both mentioned is my reason for my reply.  It was the little things that left me lingering.  The little things always gave me hope.  I thought they were a sign things were starting to get better.  It could have been something as simple as a kiss, or a sweet message.  I believed in her.  I believed in us.

Perhaps some of this stems from my own insecurities or emotional damage, but in truth, I simply believed we were on the right path. I thought that if I could just make her shed her skin of her emotional scarring that she would discover how much potential we had.  I don't feel bad for that.  I don't regret that.  I just wish something would have clicked and we could have discussed getting help sooner.

The only thing I beat myself up for is convincing myself that this behavior was normal.  I never stepped back to look at the big picture and when I did, I just poured my emotion into trying harder.  

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Exactly chaos. a fraction of the effort!

he put in a fraction of the effort i did.

never truly appreciated me.

now he complains hes lonely and single... .

its not bc i wasnt good enough.

its bc hes mentally ill and in serious

denial of how badly it is going to affect him for the rest of his life.

it really ****ing bothers me he posts about being

lonely and single... .yet discards me so easily.

yet claimed to love me "so so much"

if you hate being lonely/single... .and you truly

love me wouldnt you attempt to help yourself to keep me?

1 or 2 reasons or both.

1 complete and utter nonsense he loved me.

2 borderlines dont make any SENSE.

[Deeno02]

When i think about those moments laying in bed with his

arms wrapped around me... .giving me kisses and talking... .

i crumble.

Im the same way. When we were driving, she would grab on to my arm and hug it with her head on my shoulder. Ive never felt so loved or needed.

It's funny though not really, if someone "Asks me how did she show you she loved you," I have no real answer.  Her actions negated my definition of love.  She only put forth a fraction of the effort I did, she was deceptive, she lied to me... so I have no real answer.  The little things that you both mentioned is my reason for my reply.  It was the little things that left me lingering.  The little things always gave me hope.  I thought they were a sign things were starting to get better.  It could have been something as simple as a kiss, or a sweet message.  I believed in her.  I believed in us.

Perhaps some of this stems from my own insecurities or emotional damage, but in truth, I simply believed we were on the right path. I thought that if I could just make her shed her skin of her emotional scarring that she would discover how much potential we had.  I don't feel bad for that.  I don't regret that.  I just wish something would have clicked and we could have discussed getting help sooner.

The only thing I beat myself up for is convincing myself that this behavior was normal.  I never stepped back to look at the big picture and when I did, I just poured my emotion into trying harder.  

Agreed AoC. The little things made me keep on going. However, when we argued (always one way) I would apologize and we would continue on with the evening, enjoyably. When I was ready to leave, I would go to kiss her and she would turn her cheek and say "MMM MMM, I have to like you again first"... .crushed me. Im still shell shocked.

[Mutt]

it really ****ing bothers me he posts about being

lonely and single... .yet discards me so easily.

I'm sorry it's difficult Hurtbeyondrepair27  I understand his social media posts bother and trigger you.

You have the option to not peek, block him, deactivate your account for awhile and come back when you feel stronger. Ex blocked me after the split. I deactivated my account for 5 months or so. I sent messages to close friends and advised them due to the separation I need to get offline, off of all social media.

I knew I was going to be tempted and I wanted to resist those urges. De-activation and going offline helped me.

Call or text my cell, send an e-mail.I'll send family photos by e-mail. Methods used pre-2005.

I specifically sent the messages to family members that say "FB is just easier for me" because it's an excuse and they refuse to get off. They sympathized and respected my boundaries.

I went offline for several months to heal. It also didn't give ex any personal info so that she could hurt me. I went back online when I was in a healthier place and the urges where gone.

Whatever it took to lessen the triggers and ruminations because a break-up with a borderline is incredibly hard and painful. Whatever it takes that helps you.


--Mutt

[Mr Hollande]

You know... a part if me wants him to call

and tell me how sorry he is for treating me badly... .and i want to believe

he means it.

That's you, me, everyone else commenting in this thread plus the rest of the forum. That's what we all want. If it was a possibility this forum wouldn't exist. It's not reality so maintain that wish as a reminder of what SHOULD happen but since it won't it's evidence of how he lacks all basic human decency. As for the rest, give that scumbag a wide berth!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

it really ****ing bothers me he posts about being

lonely and single... .yet discards me so easily.

I'm sorry it's difficult Hurtbeyondrepair27  I understand his social media posts bother and trigger you.

You have the option to not peek, block him, deactivate your account for awhile and come back when you feel stronger. Ex blocked me after the split. I deactivated my account for 5 months or so. I sent messages to close friends and advised them due to the separation I need to get offline, off of all social media.

I knew I was going to be tempted and I wanted to resist those urges. De-activation and going offline helped me.

Call or text my cell, send an e-mail.I'll send family photos by e-mail. Methods used pre-2005.

I specifically sent the messages to family members that say "FB is just easier for me" because it's an excuse and they refuse to get off. They sympathized and respected my boundaries.

I went offline for several months to heal. It also didn't give ex any personal info so that she could hurt me. I went back online when I was in a healthier place and the urges where gone.

Whatever it took to lessen the triggers and ruminations because a break-up with a borderline is incredibly hard and painful. Whatever it takes that helps you.


--Mutt

my phone is dumb. i checked fromba friends account once.

he is blocked. but at this point it doesnt even affect me deeply

anymore... more like a numb pain.

i expect him to hurt me now.

it used to shockme how far he would go...

well not anymore.

if he put half the effort into loving me that he put into

hating me this would be another story

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Agreed AoC. The little things made me keep on going. However, when we argued (always one way) I would apologize and we would continue on with the evening, enjoyably. When I was ready to leave, I would go to kiss her and she would turn her cheek and say "MMM MMM, I have to like you again first"... .crushed me. Im still shell shocked.

I feel you.  Every day I catch myself day dreaming about the situation.  Sometimes, I wish I could just turn my brain off.

[Deeno02]

Agreed AoC. The little things made me keep on going. However, when we argued (always one way) I would apologize and we would continue on with the evening, enjoyably. When I was ready to leave, I would go to kiss her and she would turn her cheek and say "MMM MMM, I have to like you again first"... .crushed me. Im still shell shocked.

I feel you.  Every day I catch myself day dreaming about the situation.  Sometimes, I wish I could just turn my brain off.

Yep... .me too

[outside9x]

All I know is if I would reopen contact n she accepted I would feel so relieved n happy but also as that feeling passed I know I would feel fear.  For the many times we had a break up and she desperately wanted me back n I wanted her so badly she just got worst 3-4weeks later.  So ehat going to chg?  Her emotions are not something I can fix or she can control n eventually I will be painted black accused of this or that n raged at.  No matter what love I give its never enough. So sad they cannot see this n its never ever their fault n they believe this because they have too.  Very sad because like u I do miss her but its wrong to be treated n beat up that way.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Itbwas weird... .mine wuld only rage when i tried to set boundaries... like

a little kid... .

otherwise he was all good. one time he did something he knew i would be mad

about which obviously would start a fight though.

[going places]

www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414236671&sr=8-1&keywords=Lundy+Bancroft

Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

www.amazon.com/The-Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Destructive/dp/0449906442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414236812&sr=8-1&keywords=emotionally+abused+woman

The Emotionally Abused Woman

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Ty!