Allowed NC to be broken...

[VistaView]

After 3.5 months of strict NC, cell number changed, emails blocked, I allowed my ex to come over to "hear her out". Of course she took no responsibility for her BPD behaviour during the relationship and eventually we argued. After some time, I asked her to leave my home and never return. Now I feel like I have pushed myself 10 steps back as I was doing so good with NC and now I am looking for her to come back. I am feeling weakened by seeing her and find myself looking out the window to see if she is out there. I know I'll be good in a few days but today I am really struggling. Comments are appreciated... .

[OutOfEgypt]

Don't beat yourself up about it.  Take it as a learning experience.  I learned my share of times, too:  letting them close (for anything, even if just to "hear them out", *always* leads to you being hurt.  Therefore, we can never let them close.  Ever.  Let the storm pass and get back up and continue your NC and healing.

[StayOrLeave15]

Mine tried to contact me 100+ times (various phone numbers, texts, emails, voicemails, showing up at my house) to "just talk to me for five minutes and then she would be out of my life forever".  I was strong and did not answer any.

Then in a moment of weakness (and intoxication) I texted her.  The recycle started immediately, lasted 6 weeks, and here I am back where I started.  But I'm not beating myself up.  This led me to see why she simply cannot be a part of my life. 

I hope that you can see the same.  Of course you still have feelings for her, and there can be such a draw to be in touch with her.  But you know deep down that it isn't healthy and you have to stay NC.  My therapist tells me to sit with the pain.  (I have a habit of numbing it with food, alcohol, and other vices.)  That's what I am doing now and I hope you can do the same.  Feel the pain but know that you cannot be with her - doing so is only numbing the pain and setting yourself up for more suffering down the road. 

[VistaView]

I most definitely know that we can never be again given what I now know about BPD coupled with her difficulty in telling the truth. She really really struggles with that and it blows the mind. You would think if you're trying to make an impression you would at least be true once. Nope, not with a BPD. My weakness has gotten the best of me as I sent her an email a few hours ago apologizing for the harsh words I said to her during our contact. I really let her have it! I don't think I gave her the upper hand by doing this because I still have her emails blocked so she can't respond if she wanted to. I will resume NC and it will take me a few days to stop the ruminating...

[fred6]

If my ex showed up at my door I honestly don't know what I would do. I don't know that I would want to talk to her about being in a relationship or our prior relationship. I would probably just try to get in her pants, pull out a couple condoms and double bag my groceries, try to hit it and send her on her way. I know that sounds bad but it seems like that's all these people are are going to achieve in life anyhow. Even though I didn't get much sex while we were together for 3 years, it was better than what I have now... .

[Loosestrife]

After 3.5 months of strict NC, cell number changed, emails blocked, I allowed my ex to come over to "hear her out". Of course she took no responsibility for her BPD behaviour during the relationship and eventually we argued. After some time, I asked her to leave my home and never return. Now I feel like I have pushed myself 10 steps back as I was doing so good with NC and now I am looking for her to come back. I am feeling weakened by seeing her and find myself looking out the window to see if she is out there. I know I'll be good in a few days but today I am really struggling. Comments are appreciated... .

I managed NC for 4weeks and then caved in when my ex wanted to meet for closure. We recycled and they seemed sorry. After a few weeks everything blew up again. My heart goes out to you. I feel stupid, weak, and vunerable... .all I want is a hug from the person I love. I have never felt so much pain and anxiety. I hate myself for not sticking to NC,

it's like I'm right back at step 1.

[StayOrLeave15]

The only true closure is NC. It is sad but true.

I know it is a different story if kids are involved, but the only way to truly close the door is NC.  Because deep inside all of us - at an emotional level, not a rational one - we somehow hope we can make it work.

[findingmyselfagain]

I echo StayorLeave. It is sad but true, but it's many times easier said. It's taken a long time for me to get past my feelings and my desire to unconditionally love her. I worked really hard to try to "figure out" what happened and tried limited communication before going full NC. It's been about 4 years for me, and I wish I could have made my younger self move the heck on sooner. I don't even know if I personally can have a normal or civil conversation with my ex at this point, or if I even ever did... .and that's not a good sign!

[VistaView]

Unfortunately... She will show up again. I still have her blocked everywhere and it is driving her crazy. She has no power and I have realized despite the email I sent, I control the most important aspect of this whole thing... .communication. She may be good now that I have validated her but that will soon wear off and she will be back to square one.