Time to reflect

[JRav59]

I ended my relationship with my ex BPD 5 months ago. The first 3-4 months were a blur. I just kept going to therapy, studying (I am going to school after hours) and hanging out with friends. Something snapped at one point though. The people I was surrounded by just didn't feel right anymore. Like they were stuck and I just wanted to shed my skin, break old habits and have deeper relationships with people.  I realized I am growing and some of my friends are standing still.

I definitely feel like I have been cocooning for the last month or so. I still see close friends and try to be social. Most of the time I am spending time with myself to figure out what the heck I want from life now. I also like the time to get some sort of foundation started with my wants, needs, etc. My last relationship was so soul sucking. I felt like Arthur Miller dealing with Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was going to kill me and my soul if I kept dealing with her.

What can I do for myself to find happiness?  What is something I am so passionate about that I could never imagine living without? Something that is really me. I want to know who I am now. It has been 12 years since I have been single. I feel like I am onto something. I just don't know what!

I owe this time to myself and the future love of my life (who I have not met yet). In the meantime, it gets lonely. I have moments of fear that it will stay at this limbo state forever. I don't know if this is depression or part of healing/becoming an independent healthy person again. Thoughts?

[workinprogress]

I ended my relationship with my ex BPD 5 months ago. The first 3-4 months were a blur. I just kept going to therapy, studying (I am going to school after hours) and hanging out with friends. Something snapped at one point though. The people I was surrounded by just didn't feel right anymore. Like they were stuck and I just wanted to shed my skin, break old habits and have deeper relationships with people.  I realized I am growing and some of my friends are standing still.

I definitely feel like I have been cocooning for the last month or so. I still see close friends and try to be social. Most of the time I am spending time with myself to figure out what the heck I want from life now. I also like the time to get some sort of foundation started with my wants, needs, etc. My last relationship was so soul sucking. I felt like Arthur Miller dealing with Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was going to kill me and my soul if I kept dealing with her.

What can I do for myself to find happiness?  What is something I am so passionate about that I could never imagine living without? Something that is really me. I want to know who I am now. It has been 12 years since I have been single. I feel like I am onto something. I just don't know what!

I owe this time to myself and the future love of my life (who I have not met yet). In the meantime, it gets lonely. I have moments of fear that it will stay at this limbo state forever. I don't know if this is depression or part of healing/becoming an independent healthy person again. Thoughts?

JRav, I have been asking myself a lot of the same questions.

I am very systematically doing this.

1.  I read a ton of self-help books.

2.  I am really trying to live a life guided by values as opposed to feelings or ideas.  I see the world around seems to being exploding with narcissism and BPD.

3.  I try to work out/exercise on a regular basis.

4.  I am trying to be patient with myself and learn to love myself.

5.  Since the world around me is growing with chaos, I am reading a lot of older literature and the Bible to see what I haven't learned.  For example, how to be a strong self-assured man.  To not be rattled by what's going on around me.

6.  I have began taking a little quiet time to reflect on my past, present, and future. 

7.  I am trying to discover what my interests are.

8.  I am trying to non-judgmentally love others and avoid the people I need to avoid.

[fromheeltoheal]

Happiness is created by progress.  It's best to pick a direction, it doesn't have to be perfect, just sit still for a moment, ask your heart what you really want, and take steps in that direction, right away, in that moment.  And then, as you make progress towards something, whatever it is, your perspective and perception will change, which may change your course a little, but don't stop.

Also, one of the best cures for anxiety, depression and stress is daily exercise.  If you don't exercise regularly then I'm an ass for saying that, but it's true, it will work, plus you'll sleep better.  And it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you get your heart rate up and break a sweat.

If you do both of the above you will feel better inside a week.  Promise.

[JRav59]

Thank you guys. I do crossfit 2-3 times a week right now. It hasn't been doing the trick unfortunately. I just feel lost. I have a lot of things going on that are going to help me for the better but as with everything... .things take time in order to show themselves. It feels like it takes every ounce of will power to get up in the morning. It has nothing to do with my ex anymore. I think I am really depressed. Something I have never encountered before.

I hope I get out of this. I used to be a very full and happy person. I just need some sort of assurance that this won't be my life.

[workinprogress]

Thank you guys. I do crossfit 2-3 times a week right now. It hasn't been doing the trick unfortunately. I just feel lost. I have a lot of things going on that are going to help me for the better but as with everything... .things take time in order to show themselves. It feels like it takes every ounce of will power to get up in the morning. It has nothing to do with my ex anymore. I think I am really depressed. Something I have never encountered before.

I hope I get out of this. I used to be a very full and happy person. I just need some sort of assurance that this won't be my life.

Take baby-steps.  Obviously something was triggered in you.  You are depressed for a reason.  Ask yourself why you are depressed.  Quietly listen to yourself for the answer/s.

This is an opportunity to rebuild your life.  Build it around your values.  It will take time, but things will improve.

[going places]

I ended my relationship with my ex BPD 5 months ago. The first 3-4 months were a blur. I just kept going to therapy, studying (I am going to school after hours) and hanging out with friends. Something snapped at one point though. The people I was surrounded by just didn't feel right anymore. Like they were stuck and I just wanted to shed my skin, break old habits and have deeper relationships with people.  I realized I am growing and some of my friends are standing still.

Good news you recognize that you are changing (in a good way)!

I personally want to start forming friendships... .but have not gone out to do so yet.

I definitely feel like I have been cocooning for the last month or so. I still see close friends and try to be social. Most of the time I am spending time with myself to figure out what the heck I want from life now. I also like the time to get some sort of foundation started with my wants, needs, etc. My last relationship was so soul sucking. I felt like Arthur Miller dealing with Marilyn Monroe. I thought she was going to kill me and my soul if I kept dealing with her.

What can I do for myself to find happiness?  What is something I am so passionate about that I could never imagine living without? Something that is really me. I want to know who I am now. It has been 12 years since I have been single. I feel like I am onto something. I just don't know what!

I am in the same stage... .haven't been single in 25 years... .wanting to discover ME what do I like / love, where are my passions... .etc.

For me, I would love to own, my own restaurant. Or even a food truck.

I have been in the hospitality business for 30 years... .it is my passion.

I want to move to Florida, Gulf side... .I love the heat, the ocean, the sand... .it grounds me-centers me... .

I owe this time to myself and the future love of my life (who I have not met yet). In the meantime, it gets lonely. I have moments of fear that it will stay at this limbo state forever. I don't know if this is depression or part of healing/becoming an independent healthy person again. Thoughts?

I am blessed to have 2 of my 3 adult kids living with me (one is at college, but will come home for holidays and summer break) so I am not alone... .but I have no thoughts of a 'mate' much less a 'love of my life'.

Depression sneaks up on me, and tries to dig it's claws into me... .and I do all I can to stave it off.

I am physically active 5 days a week (sometimes 6). I do take big B vitamins. I double down on my conversations with God, and speak out loud the things and people I am thankful for... .

I know I won't be in limbo forever. Once this house sells, things will start moving forward at warp speed... .

I think it can be a little 'freaky' to imagine life 'as an independent person' when we have been attached to someone for decades.

I try to remind myself of all the things I CAN DO now, instead of all the things I 'used' to do... .that's the biggest battle.

The battle in the mind.

[JRav59]

It comes in waves. It leaves me so anxiety ridden. Wondering when the next hit is going to come of depression. I know what it is and am just sick of it. The last wave was almost 2 months which is exhausting!

I got so used to drama (positive and negative) from my BPD ex my anxiety/stress level was firing on all cylinders for the last 3 years. It was an unhealthy state for me and a big reason why I am so thankful I dumped her. Maybe this is some form of detoxing?  So far these are the things I do regularly:

1. Therapy every other week.

2. Spiritual healing (meditation, yoga I have EVEN talked to a medium a few times)

3. Exercise (At least 3 times a week) stick to a healthy diet

4. Going to school to better my career.

5. Spending time with friends 1-2 times a week

6. Sobriety.

I did pick up smoking unfortunately. I am trying so hard to quit. I know it's terrible and it's when I am sad or alone with my thoughts that I want to light up.

With the exception of smoking, I know I am doing everything right. This person was the biggest vampire I have ever encountered and I knew when it ended I was emotionally broken. Am I just impatient and not giving myself the time? Ugh 

[Grey Kitty]

I once read a book on natural treatment for depression. (The extent of the "natural cure" was St. John's wart; that part didn't impress me much... .)

What really fascinated me was the authors suggestion that depression is your mind/body/spirit's way of protecting you and directing you where you need to go.

The analogy is that when you have the flu, you get a fever and feel really crappy. This makes you want to lie around in bed and do nothing. And that is good for you at the time--Your immune system should be taking pretty much all your energy to fight the infection. So the cue to lay around and sleep or just feel kinda crappy is good guidance.

The claim was that depression is more of a spiritual thing--it is your mind/emotions/spirit trying to get your attention and tell you that something in how your life is going is wrong, and it is time to really think about it and make changes. Which is what depression pushes you to do.

The book also went on to say that these "natural" responses can get out of hand, and may become a problem rather than a solution. A fever that is too high is life threatening. And a depression can get "stuck" where you just get lost in the depression, rather than find what changes you need to make in your life. Or it can become a suicidal level depression. Either of these cases suggests medical intervention.

So perhaps your depression is just what you need to go through right now? And really feeling what seems "wrong" can leave room to find that quiet voice which will tell you what is right for you.

[workinprogress]

I once read a book on natural treatment for depression. (The extent of the "natural cure" was St. John's wart; that part didn't impress me much... .)

What really fascinated me was the authors suggestion that depression is your mind/body/spirit's way of protecting you and directing you where you need to go.

The analogy is that when you have the flu, you get a fever and feel really crappy. This makes you want to lie around in bed and do nothing. And that is good for you at the time--Your immune system should be taking pretty much all your energy to fight the infection. So the cue to lay around and sleep or just feel kinda crappy is good guidance.

The claim was that depression is more of a spiritual thing--it is your mind/emotions/spirit trying to get your attention and tell you that something in how your life is going is wrong, and it is time to really think about it and make changes. Which is what depression pushes you to do.

The book also went on to say that these "natural" responses can get out of hand, and may become a problem rather than a solution. A fever that is too high is life threatening. And a depression can get "stuck" where you just get lost in the depression, rather than find what changes you need to make in your life. Or it can become a suicidal level depression. Either of these cases suggests medical intervention.

So perhaps your depression is just what you need to go through right now? And really feeling what seems "wrong" can leave room to find that quiet voice which will tell you what is right for you.

That's interesting.  You know, for a long time I felt like doing nothing but stare at the wall.  I had decided to follow my inner promptings more, and what they told me to do was nothing.  It was very hard to do.

Reflecting on this now, I can see how I had been living on adrenalin with my wife for 20 years.  I pushed myself, because there was always something for me to do with her.  Whether it was making more money, repairing something, going somewhere or whatever.  I was exhausted.  I pushed myself until there was nothing left in me.

Since my "staring at the wall" phase.  I have realized that I didn't really like being around my wife.  I realize that somehow it was anxiety inducing for me.  I just never knew when she was going to get upset by something I said or did.

I have also noticed that she throws many little criticisms at me everyday.  I used to try to prove her wrong.  Now, I don't care.  I am basing my perception of myself on my own values now.  Not other people's opinions.  That was a very difficult change.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I know I have to make more changes in life.  And, instead of forcing changes, I am letting them unfold.