Alone... no one to talk to

[Washisheart]

About not being appreciated. About not being valued. About being treated as "less than." About anything.

My ring has absolutely no meaning behind it. He tells me he loves me, after he tells me I can't cook, can't clean and aren't good for anything. Meanwhile I cook for him every night & our house stays clean.

I'm worthless, but I'm always the one bailing him out of the crap he gets himself into. He's ent to blow all his money on bs while I give him gas money for the week due to it, but tells me I'm horrible with money because it's dang near impossible to save dealing with him.

I'm mediocre. That's right. Not amazing, not beautiful, not a blessing. Just mediocre. After all, he can't give me too much credit and blow my head up.

I'm just hurt. I can't talk to anyone because they all think I'm crazy and/or stupid for still being here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Robins0n]

Why are you still there?

[Washisheart]

I don't think it will be too much longer honestly.

When it's good, it's great. We were best friends in love I thought it was amazing. I have learned to see BPD for what it's really worth.

I told him with my next check I was moving into a hotel. But the reality is, that would make my daughter homeless. So I sm going to start saving money and if need be in the interim I can sleep in the spare bedroom.

We work opposite shifts so I only see him on weekends.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think it will be too much longer honestly.

When it's good, it's great. We were best friends in love I thought it was amazing. I have learned to see BPD for what it's really worth.

I told him with my next check I was moving into a hotel. But the reality is, that would make my daughter homeless. So I sm going to start saving money and if need be in the interim I can sleep in the spare bedroom.

We work opposite shifts so I only see him on weekends.

First off, I want to send you a great big virtual hug. 

I want to leave my husband but still have 4 young kids at home. So, what I am doing is bouncing between the different boards. I have been reading through all of the lessons on the different relationship partner boards. If it will take you a while to get out, you might want to read through the lessons on the staying board so that you can get some tools to help you get some kind of peace while you are still there.

I am on the Leaving board a lot these days so that I can try to detach emotionally and perhaps find some tools to help me leave.

Also, I have gotten my own bank account and am working on myself professionally so that I can get a better job when the kids get a bit older. Right now, things are really tight so I know that there is no way I could leave from a financial perspective. It is going to take a couple of years for me to lay the groundwork to get out. But, having that in the back of my mind helps because it makes me feel that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. And, the work that I am trying to do with improved communications, etc. should come in handy later down the road because I will always need to communicate with him and deal with him because of our kids.

I am looking at leaving as part of a 5 year plan. Realistically, I think that is about how long it will take for me to get everything in order and get myself strong enough. Plus, in five years, the kids will be older and will be better able to deal with us splitting.

As far as not having anybody to talk to, I have spent lots of time on online forums. I was really, really isolated for a while. I have reached out to some of my friends and even some family members. You would be surprised how many people will listen. I know exactly how you feel when you say that you are afraid that people will think you are crazy for being there. Yes, people wonder why I am still here but talking to them is so much better than being quiet or staying isolated. And, if they wonder why you are still there, tell them that you would like to leave but need help and support. I bet some of them might even be willing to help you find a way out. I have gotten mixed messages. Some people think I should leave and some think I should stay. It is a mixed bag.

[anxiety5]

About not being appreciated. About not being valued. About being treated as "less than." About anything.

My ring has absolutely no meaning behind it. He tells me he loves me, after he tells me I can't cook, can't clean and aren't good for anything. Meanwhile I cook for him every night & our house stays clean.

I'm worthless, but I'm always the one bailing him out of the crap he gets himself into. He's ent to blow all his money on bs while I give him gas money for the week due to it, but tells me I'm horrible with money because it's dang near impossible to save dealing with him.

I'm mediocre. That's right. Not amazing, not beautiful, not a blessing. Just mediocre. After all, he can't give me too much credit and blow my head up.

I'm just hurt. I can't talk to anyone because they all think I'm crazy and/or stupid for still being here.

Contain the abuse. Your message is upsetting and I'm not even involved. He has made you feel unworthy and worthless and I think that message resonates inside you. That's the nature of abuse. That's why it hurts so bad. We can't help but validate it and allow it to resonate, because the source is someone we once trusted and loved. Try your best to realize he has a mental and emotional pathology and contain it there. Much like a drug addict will have a very predictable series of failures, lose their job, lose their family, lose their health and end up homeless, each one of these is abusive as their loved ones watch their personal demise. Understanding this person is a drug addict makes it hurt no less, but what it does in a subtle yet important way is isolate it. A drug addict doing the things above is a very predictable series of actions. That's what they do. They lose everything piece by piece. Not because they don't love their family or want to provide for them but essentially they are sick. My point is, we can view it rightfully, for what it is a disease. It's nothing personal. It's just the pathology of their disease. Your partner is much the same. Their behaviors of belittlement, undermining actions, erosion of self esteem, are all hallmark of their disease. I know it's not easy but try and remember that. Don't take it personal. When they are acting that way repeat to yourself "This is the disease talking" And for every comment where he erodes your self worth, mentally communicate to your inner core the fact that he isn't right. If he says you don't clean, you've been in this long enough to know you gain nothing by verbally saying that outloud. But the house looks good, you know it. And you cleaned it. That's a moment to quietly sooth yourself and say, this is the disease talking, my house is clean, I worked very hard and devoted a lot of time to clean it. I did a good job. I know he wants to tell me that but he doesn't know how.  For every shot of self degradation you are given, equalize it with a shot of self soothing reality. Remind yourself he is emotionally sick. Contain his toxicity to him, without getting infected yourself.  People don't think you are stupid or crazy for staying. That's the carry over of the way he's made you feel about yourself. As a third party, people read your story and I think they just conclude that he is far gone. Someone this emotionally abusive is beyond reproach. I understand and empathize that when we are entangled in the web of relations it is impossibly difficult to draw conclusions and act on them in such direct manor as we view them as third party observations in other people's relationships. If you feel you aren't ready to leave, that's ok. You aren't stupid or crazy. What you need to do is to protect yourself from further infection from his toxic abuse though. Start by trying the things above. You will know when it's time to leave and when you do, seek guidance in doing so. Have a plan in place. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to love, made to feel worthless, cheated on, and yet still not have the strength to break free. Hang in there. A good place to recognize your self worth is by the fact you are a saint. You have tolerated things that would drive most over the edge. You are patient. You are hopeful. You are optimistic and always do your best hoping tomorrow will be a brighter day. Those are just about the best characteristics a person can have to begin to build their self worth after abuse. Hold onto them with everything you have. And I wish for you the ability to see how many people out there like me, who have been through such abuse are out there just hoping to find someone such as you, who is the opposite of the monsters we wasted so much time with. Remember, abuse is not forced. It's a choice. The only thing you lack is the strength to see that you deserve better and that it can and will be better if you find that strength to free yourself. You lack that because you have been purposely grind down to no longer see the world or yourself that way. And that is not your fault. But the gift of awareness is only realized when we find the strength to put it into action. I wish you the best, and remember. One day at a time.

[Washisheart]

Unfortunately, I think the general consensus in my life would be to leave. I can't talk to people anymore because they honestly can't respond anymore. I think everyone is just about over it.

It's always "if you're unhappy leave, I don't care." I feel so disposable. I feel like I just don't mean anything. I don't have much for family, they are 1500 miles away and don't call me anyway.

I feel like it's a grown up reenactment of my childhood. I wasn't what my mother wanted & I always knew it. Now, I'm here engaged to a man who is a really great actor, who I'm not good enough for either. I've always felt unlovable. But I can't live like this. I can't keep holding onto a person who tells me that he doesn't care if I leave. Last weekend I even started looking through Craigslist for apartments.

I don't ask for a lot. I'm not high maintenance at all, I've always been self sufficient. It just so happens we rented a pretty expensive house we both fell in love with while looking and I can't afford it on my own.

All I want to to be valued. To be important to someone. And I think I have to just accept the only persons life my presence makes a difference in is my little girls.

It feels dumb talking like this at 37 years old. But I made it 31 years without any major love attachment, I had my brick wall up around me due to my mother. This man broke those boundaries. And it's just a game

[Washisheart]

Thank you for that anxiety5. I usually maintain fairly well when he goes on his tangents. I block him out and don't hear half the stuff he says. Because I know most of it is hogwash.

The problem recently is there's no good in between the bad. If we have a bad Sunday, we don't see each other all week. So it sits with me. And he doesn't like to let things go. He has to beat the dead horse, sometimes for hours. I've gotten in my car in drove off in the middle of it.

I could take his mental disease if I knew he had my back, if I knew he cherished me. If I knew he truly loved me. This man started planning our wedding WITH EVERYONE, even made our wedding party. Looked at venues, already had a caterer,. Then POOF, he's not getting married anymore. He can't live the rest of his life with a slob like me... .

The roller coaster has put me through more than enough humiliation. Now I have to deal with people asking about wedding plans? The ride is getting old.

In a way, I'm glad he backed out. Cleaner break. But it still hurt

[anxiety5]

Have you been to any therapist or counseling? A lot of times we as victims of this abuse realize (sometimes easily sometimes not so easily) that there is a reason we have stayed in these relationships. It's mostly about self worth. Self Esteem. Someone who had healthy levels of each would not tolerate abuse. Don't let that make you feel down because each of us here (including me) was in your exact predicament. I realized I was a fixer. A rescuer. That I grew up with two good parents but one was totally and selflessly devoted to the family to the point he really didn't have any personal identity. I learned that as a model for love. To give and give. I also realized I had a poor self esteem and feeling of self worth. In people I gained MY worth through the way they viewed me. That's what made my BPD so intoxicating. I was put on a pedestal, she wanted to hear my thoughts, my views, see me all the time, I was the best at this or that. All those core self esteem issues that I get from others, were flooded by her. That's the hook. But I now realize it was done on purpose to hook me. And it's exactly what made it so agonizing when trapped in a situation, being a person who gets their self worth from another person who was now devaluing me and making me feel worthless. Do you see any familiarities here?

The anecdote to these people is a strong self esteem and strong sense of self worth. If we lack this it's what also made us their target. And 99% of the time it's core stuff that goes back into our childhood. Bullying, being ignored by a parent, a divorce where one parent was estranged and made promises but didn't follow through, or where parents were married without divorcing but in a kind of codependent abusive relationship themselves.

The key to your happiness and to your future is building your self worth and self esteem. It will answer any of the questions you have about your relationship, your life, your friendships, your career. In essence, it will liberate you from the limitations you've placed on yourself. That type of awareness though, you need to speak to a professional. If you haven't I hope you'll consider it. What do you have to lose with such potential for so much to gain?

[blueeyes567]

Your post about being hooked just opened my eyes. The past couple of weeks dealing with my wife with the fighting and then the cheating, shopping and change in hair color and clothing styles has really made me reflect upon myself but your post is describing me. I used to be her everything. The only person she wanted to hang out with, the only one, I thought, she could be completely honest with and that or relationship was unbreakable. Finding your own self is just as important as the pwBPD seeking treatment.

[anxiety5]

Your post about being hooked just opened my eyes. The past couple of weeks dealing with my wife with the fighting and then the cheating, shopping and change in hair color and clothing styles has really made me reflect upon myself but your post is describing me. I used to be her everything. The only person she wanted to hang out with, the only one, I thought, she could be completely honest with and that or relationship was unbreakable. Finding your own self is just as important as the pwBPD seeking treatment.

Amen. That cliche, you can't love someone until you love yourself? It's funny how we somehow discredit the cliche's we hear all the time. But if you think about it, the reason we hear it all the time is because IT IS TRUE.

I know for a long time I confused love with obsession, infatuation and "winning" I was kept on a never ending chase where the carrot was moved each time I reached it. My focus so much on each crisis, that when I finally grew tired and stepped back to view the relationship as a single "event" I was overwhelmed with the realization of what I tolerated, how distracted I had been from the bigger picture and I concluded that there is simply no possible way that is "love" Their love is equivalent to a flea loving a dog. A parasite loving a host.

Most of the time if you do some personal inventory you'll notice patterns. When you are at a new job your first day do you ever feel like failure is imminent? That you are somehow going to fail? Did you convince yourself that she was the best you could do? I realized it just wasn't relationships, I had a core imbalance of my own self worth that affected me in all aspects of life. You know what was incredibly helpful in the days following the break up? And also confirmed the things I'm saying? On any given day, I found it nearly impossible to focus on HOW I FELT. I realized I only ever ruminated about her. When I'd focus on me, and force myself to ask me how I felt, I would feel better almost instantly. I would answer, I'm tense I need to relax and rest. Those simple self communications allowed me to begin to heal myself, both physically and emotionally. But it was also confirmation that I had some self worth issues because I went through hell without ever asking myself how I was doing. Am I happy? Is this what I envisioned my life to be like? Is this what I want?

Once you gain that core self worth and the answer to those questions is no, you don't want a life like that, you don't want to be treated like that, you simply won't tolerate it anymore and things will end. And in a sense, in that moment you become healthy emotionally and one of the regular people out there who would have left on day 3, not year 3 or decade 3.

[Washisheart]

They make it almost impossible to think about yourself.

It's funny you bring up all the crisis. I have found myself over the drama, over the chaos and just wanting peace. I can't go anywhere with him anymore without him embarassing the crap out of me. He has insulted my friends. Started arguments with strangers in department stores.

He's absolutely horrible with money. I think he's going to "relapse" soon. I can't keep up with his spending as far as making it up for bills. I told him he is putting a huge burden on me that I can't afford. He got 2 speeding tickets within a week totaling $4-500. He says he's not paying and he's prep to make a scene in court and go  To jail (he contested one so waiting for a court date).

He's too old to be acting like this! It seems like lately he has gotten so much worse.

We are at the point where I am not good enough for him because I can't fulfill his every whim. And everything centers around him, I don't count.

I just need to keep praying to get me through this... .

[waverider]

Have you asked him why he is with you if he really believes you are not worthy?

Have you told him you no longer want to be with someone who believes you are not worthy?

Have you told him that if he wants to be with you, you need to feel worthy, as that is your right?

It is abuse, though he is probably oblivious to it as so.

Abuse requires boundaries in order to remove yourself from it.

Abusers only have power because their subjects allow themselves to be exposed to it. In other words the abused have the ultimate authority. The difficulty is learning new ways and confidence to wield this power, as it is hidden.