Did my exBPD lie about her ex?

[timetobe]

Hi Everyone,

I'm just over a month NC with my ex gf now (in fact she was the one that blocked me in the end!) - I've been doing alot of reading since our breakup and it would appear that she had BPD traits (the idealization, rapid mood swings, severe depression with a suicide attempt, things moving too quickly, serious triangulation, constantly putting me down and pushing my buttons, etc).

Probably about 5 weeks after we had gotten together, she told me about how her ex was physically abusive to her, she was sat crying telling me the things he did while i just held her and listened - as our relationship moved forward, she would tell me he had been txting her things like 'your fat, stupid and ugly', and how upset it made her.

After 2 months of us being together, she told me she 'didn't think she was over him' (they were together 7 years, but had been separated 18 months, or so she told me), and that he had messaged her the night before saying she should 'stop being stupid and get back with him, or she would be alone forever as no one else would want her' - I said that she needed to block him, but she would not do it, told me she couldn't bring herself to do it, but also didn't want to block him.

The next day she went to see him to 'see how she felt about him', later that night she told me that he had changed and was the person she fell in love with again, but still chose me and wanted to be with me.

A month after all that (so 3 months in now) she tells me he had sent her some more abusive messages, and it had really upset her - she would then tell me more stories of the things that happened to her by him.

Fast forward another month, and that's where my devaluation began, she had started to throw tantrums like a child, seemed to be upset/angry at the smallest of things, would subtly say things to me to put me down or question myself (I won't list them here, as there are far too many for a r/s that lasted such a short amount of time!)

Then the big one, she went to give her 'abusive' ex a birthday card, and when I asked why she immediately put me down by saying 'don't be a tw*t', then proceeded to tell me that I have a problem, and she's sick of having to explain herself to me (I've never asked her to explain anything!) - we patched things up, and then a week later I find out she's gone out for dinner with him and says to me 'I told you about it the other night and you said you weren't happy' - she had not told me anything and just as they were heading out for dinner was the first I had heard! I think that's known as gaslighting?

Another 2 weeks later and she's telling me how she misses him, and wants to spend time with him and has all these feelings for him, yet she hasn't broken things off with me, and when I question it afew days later, she makes it out to be my fault for not letting her be friends with him! For a start why would I want someone who was apparently so abusive to her anywhere near me or her?

She eventually tells me we should have some time apart, then 2 weeks later sends me a txt to say she is going to 'try again' with her ex (nice of her to end things via txt)- I go to speak with her parents afew days later, and they tell me they are not aware that she is back with him, nor are they aware of any previous abuse (despite my exgf telling me that her mum was aware of these things early in our r/s!) - she then blocks me afew days later and i haven't heard a word since!

Sorry that this was long, i just needed to vent, it was such an emotional rollercoaster these last 6 months, still coming to terms with things, but the worst is that it would seem she lied to me about all of the abuse anyway! How can anyone do that?

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you made it this far!

[Zpinal]

Sorry that happened to you timetobe.

I can relate to a part of your story when it comes to how bad the ex was (or all the other exes were) and the length of the r/s as mine was about 4 months. I have also done a lot of reading about the mental illness as mine was also bipolar with BPD, a deadly mix of a screwed up person. Are they all lies? Maybe not but they sure embellish the truth. As for being blocked on FB, my exBPDgf is the one that blocked me as well when she found out that I have remained good friend with a lady she used to call her best friend (I am translating the BPD best friend term by Safety Net). She also unfriended her on FB. Talk about being childish.

In your exBPDgf mind, since she ran back to her ex and devalued you, you are probably responsible for all the bad stuff that is happening on this planet. You went out and verify if her stories were true. She got confronted by her parents about it and now you are darker than a moonless night. As mine left when i slowly started to see through her mask and cleared the smoke that hid her broken self.

Its been over 2 months post b/u and i am feeling much better. Its hard to accept why such a short r/s with that kind of person injures us so deeply but I came out of this a better man and even tough sometimes I have a little set back, my self awareness quickly shut it down. She and the r/s no longer occupy 100% of my thoughts, especially when I am busy, I don't think about that at all. Sometimes it catches me up on weekends when I am alone but i find a way to entertain myself and everything falls in place.

I am not sure how we know we forgive someone, but i think I did. I am not not stupid enough to ever trust that kind of person again, I am no White Knight, they are no princess, I am not a mental god and they are DEFINITELY NO ANGELS.

Have a good day and remember, you deserve much better than a life of suffering.

[christoff522]

I second this, been through a similar situation. If I could go back, the moment she's saying she isn't over her ex I'd dump her ass. I have to just say why do we stay when they do this, I think they all do to some degree, sometimes they just don't say anything. What she's basically doing is going through emotional crisis, she's associated all the good feelings she feels for you on someone else for a very long time, it creates confusion and theres still association there, so she tries to continue the relationship whilst transitioning to you, this is basically how recycles start. I think, and it is my opinion, if you leave, it will scare her and make her want you and sort of rip her associations more towards you, after all you're the main source of supply, if you're willing to go (and for good reason) wheres she gonna get supply? from her ex? he's her ex! However, if you're sticking round she's gonna think you're a doormat and put a lot more focus on getting him back. She may, just think he's a better bet. But better to walk off with self-respect than end up miserable and moping

I would say that yes she's back with her ex, probably her parents don't like him, and have little control over her. She won't tell them much in the way of anything, and its possible they've experienced this quite a few times. Never go back to her parents, stay away from her now. She may come back tail between her legs in the distant future.

Same advice I give to everyone, work on yourself, build up your self-esteem, hit the gym, get yourself some nice threads. Don't waste this opportunity for self-discovery.

Begin No Contact:

www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

Life does and will get better!

[talithacumi]

She's disordered. She was hurting, or just uncomfortable with whatever she was feeling in the moment. She's learned from experience what kinds of things to say, and how to say them, to get other people to treat her in ways that make her feel better. What she's articulating is her emotional experience (that she may or may not have actually had at the time) of a situation (that may or may not have actually occurred) that's been pulled and is being shared as a means of getting what she needs to make herself feel better about what's happening now. It only works with people who genuinely care about her. That's why it's always worked. And that's why she always done it and will always keep doing it as well.

You have to keep this in mind when it comes to EVERY exchange you have with someone who suffers from this disorder. They literally CANNOT stand to feel bad - ever - at all - and will say/do whatever it takes so they don't feel that way. It feels like a matter of survival to them. They're reacting to it on that basis. They may or may not be aware that they're exaggerating/lying, but either way, in the moment, they can't afford to care. All that matters is making the bad feeling stop NOW.

The problem, of course, is what comes later: getting caught in one of the lies they've told which invariably makes them feel bad and, therefore, prompts EXACTLY the same response/reaction that got them into this situation in the first place.

It's a vicious cycle - and it only gets worse the more it repeats itself.

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. The best thing you can do is understand what's going on, and do whatever it takes to keep yourself from being anymore hurt by it than you already have been.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Dig deeper into the issues you have that made her, and being with someone like her, so attractive to you in the first place. Grieve. Care take, fix, and give yourself a little of all the love you're so clearly capable of giving to others. You need it more than you know.

--- TC

[timetobe]

Thanks for the replies guys - I don't plan on contacting her in any way, especially as she is the one who blocked me, although I couldn't believe it at the time! I wonder if she will try to contact me somehow at some point though and maybe tell me that her ex hasn't change and is still abusive to her!

I have to second what you said christoff, it makes you wonder why we ignore these red flags when they are clearly telling us they still have feelings for their ex! Although i thought when my exBPD met with her ex and still said she wanted to be with me that it would all be fine... .how wrong was I!

Also the fact that they cannot stand to feel bad explains alot, one time where she said that my face was 'irritating her/pi**ing her off'', i tried to explain how that made me feel, but she just started telling me that she should be allowed to say what she thinks! Then when she does txt me asking to go over and talk, guess what, we don't talk! She just opens the door, hugs me and says that she doesn't want to argue with me! When really it's probably "I can't talk about it if it makes me out in a bad light or makes me feel bad".

[SickofMe]

I've wondered the same thing about my x's x but honestly, it doesn't even matter anymore.  I was expected to hate her when he did and think they had a perfectly amicable relationship when he did.  Of course, I was only privy to the times he was angry/frustrated with her (they co-parent) and then would have to figure out for myself when things were going "better" and they had re-enmeshed.

Fact is, if they can't even figure out where they stand with their exes, how are we supposed to?

I smell a triangle. 

[christoff522]

I'm a little bit further into the process than you guys. I've kept contact on and off since April. For me it was never a proper relationship, I was more of a triangulation buddy than anything else. I can tell you that her ex that she claimed was abusive, is bewildered, confused and grieving. I saw him the other day, he's letting his hair grow, he's pale, he looks depressed - HOWEVER, he doesn't look angry any more. It's been a few months since they broke up, she's with a new guy, and honestly, I think whilst he may have lost his temper, indeed laid down the law many times in their relationship, he wasn't 'abusive'.

[Blimblam]

Im sorry your going through this timetobe.

When it comes to their exs it is really hard to know the truth. I know my ex told a lot of lies about me when I kept in contact with her trying to be friends. I could have got back with I realize when she was seeing someone else but said they were just a friend. One thing I have come to accept is this, knowing what is the truth when it comes to someone with BPD is like pondering the chicken or the egg. Getting answers or validation from your ex feeds back into the drama cycle and she may triangulate you with her ex just now you are the other guy, keep that in mind.  You will have to find your own truth that suites you and what you decide to do with your life.

The healing journey after a relationship like this may be a pain you never knew before. These sort of relationships can be very traumatizing. People here understand the confusion and pain and if you feel intense negative emotions please don't feel ashamed it is natural.

[mitchell16]

not that it matters anymore, but I believe mine did. Your story sounds about like my first few months with my exBPDgf. When we met she told me how the boyfriend before me was controlling, mean, very abusive, had broke into her house one night while she was sleeping, etc... .I was shocked and of course I was going to be the one to save her, give her the life she always wanted. Of course, she hooked me with " I was the man she prayed for" yeah right.  A few months into our relationship about at the 4th month mark. she started actiing funny, very distant, didnt want to spend as much time with me. Everything I did got on her nerves, everything about me that she loved all of a sudden was terrible. Even that I had an earring 30 years ago was sign according to her that I might not be the man for her. A month of push/pull, one day she wanted to see me for sex and the next she needed space. then finally a weekend where she said she needed to clear her head because she was confused, so she thought we needed a weekend without talking. after that weekend she came back just like the person I met. she gave me a somewhat confession that she had met her ex ( one before me) because she had been confused about if she still wanted back with him, but lucky me she chose me to stay with. At the time I was just so happy that I had her back I never questioned why she would want someone back that was so abusive ( accrding to her) So I figured she lied about him or hell, even drove him to it. because towards the end of us she was saying the same thing about me I was controlling, abusive, poessive etc... of course this was cause I questioned her about her activities when she had been caught lying numerous tiems and I cursed back once when she was raging at me. how dare I defend myself, what was i thinking. LOL ,yeah that made me abusive. and of course every man before and the one before me was, abusive, controlling, hooked on porn, drug addict, etc... so my guess is yes she lied about the ex. I know she lied on me so why not him to. Makes her the better victim.