Advice Please

[lovethebeach]

Is there an underlying reason for the lack of validation?

I'm just hoping to gain a better understanding of why, so I can start to move forward ... .one step at a time.

[Hope0807]

Was your ex officially diagnosed as "BPD"?  Did he make you aware of his diagnosis before or during your relationship?  The best thing you can do is read the tabs on this site that offer information pertinent to relationships with a personality disordered person and go from there.  Google your heart out and don't stop until it starts to quiet the panic in your brain and you can either sleep, or enjoy some small aspect of life without a sense of dread.  Educate yourself through the plethora of available information out there about how and why his brain can never truly make sense to those of us who try to love them.

Is there an underlying reason for the lack of validation?

I'm just hoping to gain a better understanding of why, so I can start to move forward ... .one step at a time.

[sirius]

lovethebeach,

When I was in my r/s around the 2 years point, this happens to me, in fact it happened to me right after our first year "anniversary". I found her contacting 3 of her ex in another words, emotional cheating was going on, confronted her and she disassociates and gas lighted me and i went in for a recycle. A year later the same thing but with strangers she met online. This time, I confronted her again and the same happened, she gaslighted me into believeing that they only exist in her chatlist in Yahoo messenger and not met them. And so this goes on till the 9th year in the relationship. For 7 years i stop snooping around and when i did, on our 9th year, i found the same thing all over again. I was again lied to, gaslighted and took the crap. On our 13th year, she left and i found out that she had affairs all along the relationship after breaking up with me.

However i forgive her or tried the best i could, i couldnt stop it. She just do it and gets better each time.

What you have found is just the tip of the iceberg or there could be more to come. Sorry to hear you are hurting but it really sucks. He is in shame now thats why the ST, if pushed further, he could rage at you and gaslight and change the whole story and lie more and more, you might be blamed for his action of why he seek out other women. Just my 2 cents from my experience.

[FoolishMan]

It's difficult feeling like everything was a lie.  :'(

The worst part is, it was a lie. He told you what you wanted to hear. I feel for you because like almost everyone else posting here, I've been through the same thing.

If you just go NC he will probably pop up with more lies to work his way in. If you persist in contacting him he will hurt you more and more till you can't take it.

He has destroyed your trust in him and ruined the R/S. If he comes back it will be hell for you.

It's going to be so hard, it's taken 7 months NC for me to detach and I can promise you it slowly got easier month by month. You might find NC heals you faster than that or it might take longer but in my opinion this guys trouble for you and best to gain some power back over yourself and go complete NC. I know you love him and care for him but he isn't firing on all cylinders, he's lied and cheated at times when he ABSOLUTELY should have been concentrating on you.

You can do so much better than him. Take care of yourself now.

[lovethebeach]

He was never officially diagnosed, although he fits the description to a T. He also has ADHD and underwent neuro-feedback as a kid.

I guess this time it's more difficult for me to handle because he isn't calling or texting or making contact.

I don't understand why. Maybe it's because he has someone else. Maybe it's because he knows I found everything out. Maybe it's because he doesn't care.

The worst part is still loving him and caring about him after all of this. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[EaglesJuju]

He was never officially diagnosed, although he fits the description to a T. He also has ADHD and underwent neuro-feedback as a kid.

I guess this time it's more difficult for me to handle because he isn't calling or texting or making contact.

I don't understand why. Maybe it's because he has someone else. Maybe it's because he knows I found everything out. Maybe it's because he doesn't care.

The worst part is still loving him and caring about him after all of this. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hang in there.    I understand the worry and confusion you are feeling because, he has not contacted you. Honestly, you have to think of your pwBPD as a child.  PwBPD have the emotional regulation of a child.   You truly have to decide if this is something you want to continue.  I know it is hard to think about that when you are so upset. 

In the meantime, do things for yourself.  Do not wait around for him to contact you.  PwBPD will eventually contact you. At that point you can decide if you still want to talk to him.  You do not want to speak to him when he is dysregulating.  Those phone calls/texts seriously make you feel worse than not speaking. 

[lovethebeach]

I called him. We spoke. He has absolutely no answers. He sent me the money to mail his things back and he doesn't want the relationship anymore. Neither do I. I just wish we could remain friends. The NC is driving me crazy!

I miss him so much. I miss us. I know it's for the best, but it's still so frustrating. He seems so cold and uncaring.

[Hope0807]

lovethebeach,

I too love the beach and live just 1.5 miles from the shoreline.  7 years ago I actually moved close to the shoreline to enjoy more of the natural beauty of the beach, build a life with my now former husband, and feed my soul.  I did not feed my soul, I nearly lost it…literally.  My ex's chaos, secrecy and incredibly disordered way of living consumed me and left me lifeless.  Ironically, I have put my feet in the sand and watched those beautiful waves of the ocean less than a dozen times in all my years of allowing HIS lack of a soul to dwindle my own.  You have some youth on your side that many of us here don't.  Go through not around this storm.  Let your tears flow, your heart be heavy, and avoid self-medicating.  You WILL get through this and you are not alone.

I called him. We spoke. He has absolutely no answers. He sent me the money to mail his things back and he doesn't want the relationship anymore. Neither do I. I just wish we could remain friends. The NC is driving me crazy!

I miss him so much. I miss us. I know it's for the best, but it's still so frustrating. He seems so cold and uncaring.

[Deeno02]

LTB, it happens. I recieved a text from my exBPDgf's son yesterday asking if I had taken the engagement ring back yet. I asked why? He said just wondering. I told him that its not any of his or his mom's concern what I do with it. Damage done. Ive been physically sick to my stomach over the contact and just a wreck. Im 2 months out from B/U and it still bugs me to no end, badly bothers me. But I know I will get through this eventually.