Advice Please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My boyfriend and I of two years have not spoken in 3 days... .The longest we have ever gone (aside from his time in the military). It was an amazing romance for a long time.

I graduated college in June and came home. He still lives a few hours away, but we were making it work. Yet, it seems that is when the problems started. 3 weeks ago, I found a secret e-mail account where he was messaging women on Craigslist for pictures and such. I was a wreck. He begged and pleaded and I tried to salvage what was left.

His birthday was the following weekend and I went up to see him because that's what he wanted and I thought it would be nice.

The following weekend, this past one, he came down to see me. Everything was great. Yet, I found out (on that secret email account) Sunday night, he made an OKCupid account. It was a blank account but still. I confronted him and he denied it for an hour. Later he said "I knew you knew I was lying, but I wanted you just trust me for once."

On Wednesday, he made up this elaborate lie that he was at school at got five guys ... .when in fact he was at an Italian restaurant. I confronted him and he said "I'm sorry I lied... .but you should not have been snooping." Which is correct. However, I was under the assumption we were working on things ... .and that doesn't mean going out with other women.

In the morning, he changed all his passwords and I have not heard from him since.

I thought if I gave it a few days, I'd hear from him. Do you think I ever will? Should I contact him and try and get some closure? SOMEONE HELP! I'm heartbroken.

[lovethebeach]

My boyfriend and I of two years have not spoken in 3 days... .The longest we have ever gone (aside from his time in the military). It was an amazing romance for a long time.

I graduated college in June and came home. He still lives a few hours away, but we were making it work. Yet, it seems that is when the problems started. 3 weeks ago, I found a secret e-mail account where he was messaging women on Craigslist for pictures and such. I was a wreck. He begged and pleaded and I tried to salvage what was left.

His birthday was the following weekend and I went up to see him because that's what he wanted and I thought it would be nice.

The following weekend, this past one, he came down to see me. Everything was great. Yet, I found out (on that secret email account) Sunday night, he made an OKCupid account. It was a blank account but still. I confronted him and he denied it for an hour. Later he said "I knew you knew I was lying, but I wanted you just trust me for once."

On Wednesday, he made up this elaborate lie that he was at school at got five guys ... .when in fact he was at an Italian restaurant. I confronted him and he said "I'm sorry I lied... .but you should not have been snooping." Which is correct. However, I was under the assumption we were working on things ... .and that doesn't mean going out with other women.

In the morning, he changed all his passwords and I have not heard from him since.

I thought if I gave it a few days, I'd hear from him. Do you think I ever will? Should I contact him and try and get some closure? SOMEONE HELP! I'm heartbroken.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Giiirl no no no no.

i know its difficult... .but be glad he hasnt contacted you...

you deserve soo much more than that! you are a college

educated beautiful woman.

i would be asking yourself why you are willing to be

with a guy who js scoping out other women and possibly

having affairs while with you. do you really

want a man like that ¿? do you really think he will change?

he doesnt really have much motive to change bc you are being his doormat

by accepting this behavior.

[lovethebeach]

I just feel like this all came out of no where. I genuinely thought we were working on our relationship. He's such an amazing person, but I recognize I can't have him without the BPD.

I wish we could be friends.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It is likely that you will hear from him again.  He will need validation at some point.  You will be doing yourself a favour by blanking him.  I am sorry to have to say this but he is not capable of providing you with the love and respect you desire.  My mother is BPD.  My father is npd.  I have dated three ladies that are classic BPD.  I didn't know about the disorder until recently - I just thought that craziness was normality.  Thank goodness I now know this is not the case.  Look after you.

[Deeno02]

I just feel like this all came out of no where. I genuinely thought we were working on our relationship. He's such an amazing person, but I recognize I can't have him without the BPD.

I wish we could be friends.

It always seems to come out of nowhere for no reason. We have all been there. Kick him to the curb.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I just feel like this all came out of no where. I genuinely thought we were working on our relationship. He's such an amazing person, but I recognize I can't have him without the BPD.

I wish we could be friends.

i hate to shatter that belief but a person who pathologically

lies and cheats on their partner is NOT an amazing person... .

someone who cheats once thats maybe understandable... .

but continuously lying... .no.

also what he is doing isnt necessarily bc of BPD.

my ex male BPD would never have cheated... .i believe that.

a lot of BPDs do cheat... yes... .but not all.

you do not have to accept this. and you dont want to.

it seems you have him on a bit of a pedestal... that he clearly doesn't

deserve.  who knows what else he has done that you dont know about?

scary thought. hes a liar and he blames you when he gets caught...

showing no remorse.

dunno what ur definition of an amazing person is... but

doesnt fit my script.

[lovethebeach]

I just feel so completely blind sighted. He always chased me and called me. Things were amazing, until I came home again. This time there seems to be no care or concern. It's difficult to think he's out with someone else  just a few days after we stopped speaking.

I worry if I make contact, and he doesn't respond that I'll be putting the ball back in his court.

I have no desire to enter back into the romantic dynamic, it would just be nice if after all our time spent together ... .he cared.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I just feel so completely blind sighted. He always chased me and called me. Things were amazing, until I came home again. This time there seems to be no care or concern. It's difficult to think he's out with someone else  just a few days after we stopped speaking.

I worry if I make contact, and he doesn't respond that I'll be putting the ball back in his court.

I have no desire to enter back into the romantic dynamic, it would just be nice if after all our time spent together ... .he cared.

we all want them to care.  i totally got you... .

But the truth is they will always cime first in their book.

once he hooked you he is on to the next. sounds like a compulsive

cheater and liar.

[lovethebeach]

Ugh. This is the most frustrating and painful thing I have ever gone through in my life.

I find myself wondering if I could have done anything differently.

He got kicked out of college and enlisted in the military. After he left after only a few months in, he came home to me. Wanting to marry me and start a life. With my help, he got back into college, my father (who runs a dealership) got him a car, and I helped get him a steady job. He stopped his excessive drinking and smoking and everything seemed to be heading down a better direction.

I often wonder what happened to us. Somewhere along the line, the communication broke down. It's like after his extensive lying in these past three weeks, he knows he can't recover and isn't even trying.

[lovethebeach]

It's difficult feeling like everything was a lie.  :'(

[Mutt]

It's difficult feeling like everything was a lie.  :'(

You have a couple of things going on here with him.

Dissociations.

Emotional Blackmail.

Later he said "I knew you knew I was lying, but I wanted you just trust me for once."

On Wednesday, he made up this elaborate lie that he was at school at got five guys ... .when in fact he was at an Italian restaurant. I confronted him and he said "I'm sorry I lied... .but you should not have been snooping." Which is correct.

You caught him red-handed on two sites for dating women.

Dissociations is a clinical term. A pwBPD (lies) dissociates reality to match their out of place feelings. He knows what he's doing isn't right and feels guilt over this. To make his feelings match with reality he dissociates.

Having said that, let's look at emotional blackmail:

"I knew you knew I was lying, but I wanted you just trust me for once."

In this line, he's telling you the truth. He's telling you he's lying yet again he feels bad and he's emotionally blackmailing you. You have Guilt from FOG when he says " I just want you to trust me for once. This is toxic behavior.

Bottom line.

He's on websites with secret accounts. That's fact. At the very least he's having emotional affairs with women. He's triggered when confronted with dating sites.

What are your boundaries on emotional affairs?

Why secret accounts and being incognito? He knows its not right.

[timetobe]

I know what you mean about feeling everything was a lie - as that's exactly how i feel about my BPDexgf!

Your going to start questing if you could have done anything differently, and if your going to hear from them again, just like the rest of us who've been through this too ,  but ask yourself if you would do things differently then what would they be? Would they have made a real change? Or was it him that needs to do things differently, and that's something you can't control I'm afraid!

It's possible that if you do message him now, you might not like what he has to say, he may just try to make you feel guilty, as i did when i contacted mine to find out that she had gone back to her abusive ex!

Just take care of yourself, your deserve more than how you've been treated.

[lovethebeach]

What's the best course of action moving forward?

If he's really moving on, maybe I should too.

[lovethebeach]

Why isn't he calling me or texting me? It's like he's completely fine and I'm a mess. What a role reversal.

[Mutt]

Why isn't he calling me or texting me? It's like he's completely fine and I'm a mess. What a role reversal.

I understand. I like how you describe it as role reversal. He may of been in constant contact and over stepping boundaries and now he's suddenly not interested.

You may of heard of the book "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus.

BPD is a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment. The pendulum swings back and forth.

His NC is that he feels engulfed.

What's the back story? What happened before 3 days ago? Did he display disproportionate anger?

My boyfriend and I were together for two years. College whirlwind romance. I'm really struggling after we've been three days with NC. Wondering if I should text him. It's so difficult after I caught him in so many lies and now I believe there is someone else. This is the first time that he hasn't tried to make contact with me. I'm so confused!

[lovethebeach]

We spent the weekend together and things were great. He left and said I'll see you next weekend.

We texted and talked as normal. However, on Monday I noticed that he created a paypal account tied to his secret e-mail address. He also created an OKCupid account. I confronted him. Eventually, he apologized but it was such a battle.

On Wednesday, he told me he was at home working on a paper. He was actually at an Italian restaurant with a girl. I told him I knew he was lying and then the no contact began. That evening, after work, he hung out with her in a parking lot for three hours.


I just called him because sent me $40 to mail his items back through an online site. Not even the decency to text me.

He was pretty cold although seemed a bit concerned for my well being.  Maybe we can keep the lines of communication open?

This is so confusing.

[Mutt]

Lines of communication. This is important.

Feelings are facts to your bf. Facts are followed by feelings with you.

He's wired differently. I'm going by what you gave me and there's likely a history there in the last couple of years? It was such a battle with OKCupid. This is likely not the first one lovethebeach.

I understand your logic. He has a distorted belief system and communication of feelings and needs are difficult for a pwBPD.

He's triggered. What I mean by triggered is that his fear of abandonment is triggered. I'm so sorry.

The elephant in the room is the other woman. This is an attachment disorder. If he doesn't secure an attachment. You'll hear from him. It's not to say that he's coming back right now. No one can tell the future. He may but he'll want to make sure your emotionally available.

There's always an attachment with a pwBPD. From my experience with the person with a PD in my life, she's still attached to an ex from over 15 years ago. She's still attached to me as well. Many members here will tell you different stories. They hear from a partner in a few weeks, months and sometimes several years.

He may have more than one girlfriend with the internet.

We have other boards. You have a choice to move to undecided or staying. It's only been 3 days and it doesn't mean it's over, although it's not say it won't happen again.

I'm concerned for you, what are you willing to put up with? What are your boundaries with him and cheating? Are you willing to take him back?

It makes you uncomfortable with good reason. This is your bf. You care for him.

[guy4caligirl]

I just feel so completely blind sighted. He always chased me and called me. Things were amazing, until I came home again. This time there seems to be no care or concern. It's difficult to think he's out with someone else  just a few days after we stopped speaking.

I worry if I make contact, and he doesn't respond that I'll be putting the ball back in his court.

I have no desire to enter back into the romantic dynamic, it would just be nice if after all our time spent together ... .he cared.

we all want them to care.  i totally got you... .

But the truth is they will always cime first in their book.

once he hooked you he is on to the next. sounds like a compulsive

cheater and liar.

Hi I feel your pain I do , I just had that done to me from an ex gf BPD !

I tried everything there is to try , being nice, helpful , ugly too .

She picked and choose what she want to reply on OF COURSE the ugly stuff .

She is the victim not me according to her she knew I was hurting bad , she did not budge whatsoever I spent five years with her .

I am like nothing now .

My advise which is the hardest is to NC with . I should have done that but I failed , I had my moments and I did contact as to get nothing but rejection .

Good luck my dear , post as often as you can we will all help you !you are not ALONE .

[Hope0807]

I wish I could convince you of this (someday you will know), but you shouldn't WANT him to "try" because the real terror is what can happen to you when you get sucked back in.

I highly recommend you watch the brief Dr. Phil video clip on The Evil 8.  I'm 40 and busy recovering from 7 years with a person who did much of the same things you described here and he covered over them beautifully…over and over again.  I was accused of being a snoop, suffocating him…so much more…and I nearly lost my soul to his chaos.  If at your age I knew what I know now, the course of my life may have been very different.  You have that chance.  Run!

Ugh. This is the most frustrating and painful thing I have ever gone through in my life.

I find myself wondering if I could have done anything differently.

He got kicked out of college and enlisted in the military. After he left after only a few months in, he came home to me. Wanting to marry me and start a life. With my help, he got back into college, my father (who runs a dealership) got him a car, and I helped get him a steady job. He stopped his excessive drinking and smoking and everything seemed to be heading down a better direction.

I often wonder what happened to us. Somewhere along the line, the communication broke down. It's like after his extensive lying in these past three weeks, he knows he can't recover and isn't even trying.

[lovethebeach]

This is the most difficult thing of my entire life. I care so deeply for him. We spoke for a few minutes earlier, but he was busy. I called because a got a text from a strange website saying that he sent me $40 to mail his items back and I wanted to make sure it was valid before I entered my bank information. It was. I told him I'd mail them back on Monday.

He seemed cold and distant but yet still attached. I'm not sure. I want to RUN, yet I want to hold on to hope. He's in therapy. It's like looking at someone with Alzheimer's. Some moments I see "him" others he's completely gone.

What do I do? What would you do?

[Deeno02]

This is the most difficult thing of my entire life. I care so deeply for him. We spoke for a few minutes earlier, but he was busy. I called because a got a text from a strange website saying that he sent me $40 to mail his items back and I wanted to make sure it was valid before I entered my bank information. It was. I told him I'd mail them back on Monday.

He seemed cold and distant but yet still attached. I'm not sure. I want to RUN, yet I want to hold on to hope. He's in therapy. It's like looking at someone with Alzheimer's. Some moments I see "him" others he's completely gone.

What do I do? What would you do?

I was dumped and its been hell, but im choosing to run from her like hell. Im using this time while shes with the replacement to distance myself. I dont need her crap anymore... I have to get strong because she coaches my sons HS volleyball team and there will be some contact unfortunately. I hope shes still with the replacement then as i wont be a target.

[adventurer]

Sometimes we care for people who are not worthy of it.  It can happen to anyone and it's not your fault.  Whether or not he has personality disorder, lying about being on dating websites while already in a relationship would be a dealbreaker for almost anybody.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings about everything that is going on?  I understand that this is very painful and confusing for you.  It sounds like you need some space to focus on yourself and building your esteem back up.

[lovethebeach]

I know I deserve more. I just wish he could be that more. Everything is so hard to process. I feel like I should be mad, but I can't be. I understand him too well. I wish there was a way to make it work, without all of this bull___!

I'm so exhausted and drained.

[Mutt]

You're going through a traumatic event. 2 years is a long time. It's a truly painful experience when a bf suddenly goes radio silent. Your mind is working overtime. That's tough.

You're emotionally and physically exhausted. How have you been sleeping over the last 3 days?

[lovethebeach]

I sleep maybe four hours a night. I have this "sick to my stomach" feeling. It's the weekend and we're usually together for those. We aren't communicating, but my feelings are still there. I still love him and care about him deeply. I

I wish I could fix it. I wish we could've had the life we had imagined before all this chaos. He left the military to have a life with me. He made so many improvements for the longest time. Stopped excessive drinking. Stopped smoking. Held a job. Got back in school. My father helped him get a car as he runs a dealership. And now I'm thrown to the waste side and he's rebelling.

I was always in control and in charge and so now, it's the strangest feeling to feel the complete opposite. He finally stopped begging and I suppose is ready to throw in the towel. I think I would feel better if he was outwardly expressive or hurting.  But I'm not sure what that would change. It would just be nice to feel that the relationship was real.

[Mutt]

I hear you lovethebeach.

Listen, what sort of things do you do to nurture the soul? You feel sick to your stomach. Your username implies you love beaches.

My advice. Take a long warm bubble bath. Light some candles and put on some calm and relaxing music. Sleep this off for today.

We're always here. Get some rest. You're going through something tough. When I have real tough days. I take a long bath. Sleep it off and come back feeling a little better. My mind clears up, my nerves calm down.

What do you do on bad days? How does that sound?

[lovethebeach]

The beach is my happy place, but during weather like this its' impossible to go.

I'll do my best for tonight.

I asked him to call me later, and it appears he hasn't called.

I give up.

[Mutt]

Don't wait by the phone. Find your happy place for tonight

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[lovethebeach]

Alright. One last question.

What do you think he's thinking?

Is he at all sad about this? His actions? The ending of us?

[Mutt]

I'll leave you with this. The common denominator between you and him is that you are both people with feelings.

If he's borderline it means he has difficulties regulating emotions and copes differently with anxiety and stress. It is a serious disorder.

I can't tell what another person thinks. What I can tell you is that it hurts him as well. What hurts us is the way a borderline cope because they don't validate how we feel. As much as he would like to he can't meet you half way because he is mentally ill. I'm sorry.

The community is here for you.