I asked him to leave

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Apologies in advance for rambling.

I've asked my BPDbf to leave after three years of living together. We live in my house, or otherwise I'd be tempted to just disappear myself. Though I have a few times just for a night or two to get away from him. I've gotten to this point many times, even told him this, but we melted back into normal and though I felt relief in a way, I felt a sick shame for putting up with his intense jealousy, episodes of verbal abuse and lack of ownership of his behavior. It was always my fault, or to be excused by his diagnosis of bipolar. Or just not spoken of.

It took three years to get from complete bafflement about our frequent conflict to detective work to figure out what was going on to compassionate acceptance of his struggles and all along, the FOG.

Even this morning I spent a brief amount of time wondering if it was me, or if I am wrong about all this. Maybe I should stick it out and lobby for some more therapy. Maybe it isn't a personality disorder. Maybe he just needs more or different medication. Maybe I'm giving up too soon. There's been improvement. But I keep coming back to feeling uneasy to fearful in my own home and in my relationship and that has to be enough. Enduring a Jekyll and Hyde episode once every few months instead of once a week might seem to be the best I can hope for... .but it's the disturbing thoughts and paranoia that he reveals when he gets accusatory that just leave me feeling disturbed and creeped out. I no longer want to be close to him, emotionally or physically.

For the moments I falter, or feel sorry for him, I've got a file hidden on my laptop of all the episodes I could recall, every trip ruined by a rage attack, every out of nowhere berating session, the most horrific things he's said... .just to remind myself that it is that bad. Because the contrasting sweet companion that he can be is so different from the person he becomes in an abrupt about-face over a perceived slight, or misguided suspicion.

He once spent days in a cold fury about a library book I was reading that led to a long dragged out horrific argument. It was just some fiction crime novel I'd read a good review of. He was obsessed with the reason I'd chosen it, went online to read the synopsis and sorta taunted me about it and we went over it and over it but he wasn't satisfied that I just read a good review and thought I'd give it a read. The only thing I could figure is that a minor plot line involved a woman reconnecting with her ex. He is absolutely obsessed with my ex boyfriends, though there's only been a few. That is the kind of madness I've been through.

So I don't know what will happen next, whether we will part in a reasonable way or if everything will go horribly haywire. I feel a relief that I have pushed it through this far, and though I know the pain of loneliness awaits, but it can't be as bad as the feeling I get when he suddenly turns into a hateful verbally abusive person in the blink of an eye.

[Bee Girl]

Apologies in advance for rambling.

I've asked my BPDbf to leave after three years of living together. We live in my house, or otherwise I'd be tempted to just disappear myself. Though I have a few times just for a night or two to get away from him. I've gotten to this point many times, even told him this, but we melted back into normal and though I felt relief in a way, I felt a sick shame for putting up with his intense jealousy, episodes of verbal abuse and lack of ownership of his behavior. It was always my fault, or to be excused by his diagnosis of bipolar. Or just not spoken of.

It took three years to get from complete bafflement about our frequent conflict to detective work to figure out what was going on to compassionate acceptance of his struggles and all along, the FOG.

Even this morning I spent a brief amount of time wondering if it was me, or if I am wrong about all this. Maybe I should stick it out and lobby for some more therapy. Maybe it isn't a personality disorder. Maybe he just needs more or different medication. Maybe I'm giving up too soon. There's been improvement. But I keep coming back to feeling uneasy to fearful in my own home and in my relationship and that has to be enough. Enduring a Jekyll and Hyde episode once every few months instead of once a week might seem to be the best I can hope for... .but it's the disturbing thoughts and paranoia that he reveals when he gets accusatory that just leave me feeling disturbed and creeped out. I no longer want to be close to him, emotionally or physically.

For the moments I falter, or feel sorry for him, I've got a file hidden on my laptop of all the episodes I could recall, every trip ruined by a rage attack, every out of nowhere berating session, the most horrific things he's said... .just to remind myself that it is that bad. Because the contrasting sweet companion that he can be is so different from the person he becomes in an abrupt about-face over a perceived slight, or misguided suspicion.

He once spent days in a cold fury about a library book I was reading that led to a long dragged out horrific argument. It was just some fiction crime novel I'd read a good review of. He was obsessed with the reason I'd chosen it, went online to read the synopsis and sorta taunted me about it and we went over it and over it but he wasn't satisfied that I just read a good review and thought I'd give it a read. The only thing I could figure is that a minor plot line involved a woman reconnecting with her ex. He is absolutely obsessed with my ex boyfriends, though there's only been a few. That is the kind of madness I've been through.

So I don't know what will happen next, whether we will part in a reasonable way or if everything will go horribly haywire. I feel a relief that I have pushed it through this far, and though I know the pain of loneliness awaits, but it can't be as bad as the feeling I get when he suddenly turns into a hateful verbally abusive person in the blink of an eye.

[Pingo]

Wow Bee girl, I could have written every word of what you wrote except for the bi polar... .mine had a brain injury.  I too felt fear from almost the beginning of the r/s.  I could never quite put my finger on it.  Just a general sense of uneasiness.  But in the beginning I just denied it or rationalised it, blamed his quirks on his brain injury and hoped they'd go away.  But they never did.  Mine was also super paranoid and super possessive and jealous.  I didn't dare mention my ex boyfriends!  Otherwise it would have been a 3 day ST followed by him raging.  Mine too ruined so many trips, finding fault in the most ridiculous things, I think just an excuse to 'lose it'.  I too had to ask mine to leave (we recycled 2 mths later and then I asked him to leave a second time 2 mths after that!).  I had no idea how it was going to go.  I would have gladly left myself but it was my home in my name.  Googling "Jekyll and Hyde" behavior is what led me to this website!  It was a time of such anxiety.  And after 4 yrs of anxiety living with him I wasn't sure how I'd get through it.  But I did.  With the help of a good T, this forum, books and one amazingly supportive friend.  I too went through many times questioning if I had made the right decision.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough.  I think most on this forum who have left their SO have felt this way.  I still question myself from time to time but I'm able to get through those moments.  Been 4 mths out of the r/s now and things are looking up.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  You will need all the support you can get through these trying times.  This forum is a God-send.  Keep sharing.  Do you have a good friend or family support?

[Bee Girl]

Thanks, Pingo. It's always amazing to me how similar our stories can be.

I do have a few friends that I would normally confide in, but since this relationship began I haven't been as close to them. I think part of that is just normal when you enter into a new relationship, and part of it is, I will admit, feeling ashamed to be involved in something so toxic sometimes and staying in it and talking to someone about it. I've never been in a situation like this, and I'd have to say, unless you experienced it, it's hard to explain. When you're in it. I think it's because the unacceptable behaviour, partly, is presented as either normal, your fault, justified by some excuse or ignored entirely after the fault. Major mind melt.

I did take the step of talking about it to a newer friend who seems to have a tumultuous relationship of her own. I only said a little, but it felt better to say it out loud to someone who understands.

The boards here are so valuable because it helps to step out of the craziness and read the stories of people that have experienced this.

[Pingo]

I know what you mean Bee Girl, I didn't tell my closest friends about the abuse and dysfunction.  I was ashamed and also I knew that once I told them I'd have to stop denying it and making excuses.  Because my ex had a brain injury a lot of stuff was blamed on that.  I'm sure the fact yours had bi polar was similar in the excuses and rationalisations.  When we split the first time I started telling my two best friends the truth.  They were shocked!  But then we recycled and my one friend couldn't handle it.  She was really upset I was going back to him.  But I was still in the FOG and was still holding onto hope I could salvage my marriage.  It wasn't long before I knew that was a mistake.  After the second split I told them everything.  It was embarrassing to admit that I had put up with so much but good to get into reality and admit the truth. Once the truth is out there you cannot keep pretending which is good in those times when you feel tempted to recycle or break NC.

[ziniztar]

Let's get through this together!

I think it's super strong to put yourself first in this way, you deserve something better. I noticed xdBPDbf got mad about a stupid bath robe I borrowed and felt discouraged that even these little things tick him off completely.

I am okay with the borderline, the big emotions, the rages, I can deal with that. But not with him being so detached, having massive abandonment fears myself. So unless he is able to change that, and I have absolutely no idea how he would be able to show me that in a way that I would believe it, I am determined this r/s is not good enough for me.

So, I get your point. Keep listening to your mind, and the facts. This (probably) is an addictive relationship, don't mistake the pain and grief over the loss of the r/s and the idea you had of the two of you together, for having made the wrong choice. Keep going  , keep loving yourself!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Bee Girl, I admire your courage and resolution to move on.  I think it highly likely that he will attempt to shift the blame to you in order to induce another episode of FOG.  Acting out is a definite possibility, too.  I suggest that you anticipate these emotional outbursts and get ready to use detachment, as needed, in order to avoid getting drawn back in and "engaging" when he is triggered.  Hang in there and stay strong!  Lucky Jim

[Bee Girl]

Thank you for your responses. Part of the reason for posting is to hold myself accountable for staying strong in this decision. I'm aware that I've been back and forth about staying in this, and part of that was avoidance of yet more conflict and pain and caving into short term relief in giving it another try. A false refuge.

Yes, I think part of the reason (aside from being ashamed for putting up with his behavior) that I didn't confide in my friends was knowing that once I actually told someone about this I'd be forced to take action.

And yeah, I'm anticipating a victim stance, which I cannot engage with, or some really bad behavior. Right now he's sorta ignoring what I'm telling him, probably because he expects it'll go as it has before.

But not this time. I miss me. I really do.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm anticipating a victim stance, which I cannot engage with, or some really bad behavior.

Hello again, Bee Girl, Forewarned is forearmed, and it sounds like you are ready, which is good to hear.  Agree w/you that putting off the pain and conflict in exchange for short term relief is a false refuge (as you put it) which doesn't last, in my experience.  Postponing tough decisions, in my view, only makes them that much harder to face down the line.  Stay strong and do what is right for you -- you deserve it!

Lucky Jim