YOUR INPUT IS NEEDED TO THIS LETTER , I WANT TO SEND TO MY EXGF BPD ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey

After many thoughts and consideration I decided today to write this final letter to my

ex GF BPD that she is aware of it and not doing anything about it .

She left 3 months ago she finally , got out of the blame/victim mode , wanted to chat no phone calls , never did chat ,but I got few emails wanting to help me with some new ideas for my business that she helped in when together .

It has been four days I don't hear anything from her , I am about have it looking at my phone 100 times a day for nothing , I know my road to recovery is hard but I will , I am working on myself and preparing for a next relation but at this time I am not ready yet !

Here is the letter .please advise when you read if I should send or no ?


I have decided not wait any longer and wonder what's her plans are no one knows .

NO more self inflicted pain .

Dear ... .

WE had dreams and hope invested in our past relation .

But there are greater forces at play now .

significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon my wounded soul .

I need to recover from these wounds and emerge as an informed and loving care taker .

That's is not simple ,and you won't perhaps understand .

You know as well there are a long standing and painful fears trust issues and resentments that have been triggered and you blame it on me ,I am fine with that .

You need to understand and face your wounds too, and engage yourself aware and mindful , it might be an even greater challenge for you .

Therefore I am in my way to recovery , I am not going to build myself false hope as I am heading to happier time ahead with you or without .

take care .

Love always .

[guy4caligirl]

Hey

After many thoughts and consideration I decided today to write this final letter to my

ex GF BPD that she is aware of it and not doing anything about it .

She left 3 months ago she finally , got out of the blame/victim mode , wanted to chat no phone calls , never did chat ,but I got few emails wanting to help me with some new ideas for my business that she helped in when together .

It has been four days I don't hear anything from her , I am about have it looking at my phone 100 times a day for nothing , I know my road to recovery is hard but I will , I am working on myself and preparing for a next relation but at this time I am not ready yet !

Here is the letter .please advise when you read if I should send or no ?


I have decided not wait any longer and wonder what's her plans are no one knows .

NO more self inflicted pain .

Dear ... .

WE had dreams and hope invested in our past relation .

But there are greater forces at play now .

significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon my wounded soul .

I need to recover from these wounds and emerge as an informed and loving care taker .

That's is not simple ,and you won't perhaps understand .

You know as well there are a long standing and painful fears trust issues and resentments that have been triggered and you blame it on me ,I am fine with that .

You need to understand and face your wounds too, and engage yourself aware and mindful , it might be an even greater challenge for you .

Therefore I am in my way to recovery , I am not going to build myself false hope as I am heading to happier time ahead with you or without .

take care .

Love always .

[irishmarmot]

I would wait awhile before you send it.  Give yourself some time to let your perspective clear and the FOG to lift.  Also ask yourself why you want to send the letter and what do want to accomplish by sending it.

[guy4caligirl]

I would wait awhile before you send it.  Give yourself some time to let your perspective clear and the FOG to lift.  Also ask yourself why you want to send the letter and what do want to accomplish by sending it.

Can you please explain what is the fog I read that a lot ?

My purpose is to recycle .

I don't know what to say or how to let her know ,she showed interest in helping the business cause she cares and want to share her ideas with me on IM I did not hear from her in 4 days now .And I am sick of thinking what is her motive ?

[Aussie JJ]

Ok,

You're feeling pretty horrible right now, that letter is full of all good all bad and it points the finger it isnt nuteral.  If you are to do it no matter what you say she wont accept responsibility for her actions.  She will place them on you and blame you for it all.  She probably has a new BF, sorry to break it to you, if not a new BF she is in a impulsive mode atm so shopping around for a new BF with great vigor and many new 'friends'. 

What do you NEED from this relationship?

I ask that with NEED in capitals for a reason.  pwBPD NEED someone to live off, they NEED someone to basically support them and make them feel worthy.  Their is nothign their but a empty vessel that gets filled by other peoples moods and their attachment to that other person.  When you NEED somethign they wont give, they will feel repulsed and offended that you are not thinking of them.  Do you want that froma  relationship, one where your not allowed to have any NEEDS ?

If I was to write a letter souly for the pupouses of recycling it would go along these lines... . 

Dear BPD ex,

I need to thank you for all the times that we shared together.  I feel that the intensity that we shared was something special and something I will always be grateful for.  I would need to tell you that I will always have a place for you in my heart as you are a very unique and special person.  It saddens me that our relationship seems to have ended, for me I would have worked through anything with you and I know you felt the same.  Sometimes these things cant be explained and I accept that it is hard for both of us to express these feelings and look forward to your friendship in the future. 

Regards,

Looking to Recycle. 

Nothing negative, all positive, expressing NEED not emotion somethign she can relate to, leaving the door wide open for her to run back to you.  Just be aware, she wont change, she wont get any better, she will just come back when she is feeling overwhellmed in a different relationship and needs to get away from that feeling.  Friend in pwBPD = fk buddy.  It's a NEEDs based relationship, again what do you NEED out of the relationship?

You will get your recycle but your pain will only be worse, that I can garentee you.  To me it sounds like you NEED some distance and time to reduce your emotional involvement.  Not judging here, go for it by all means but ask yourself what you NEED from a relationship before you proceed, I can garentee you wont get it out of a relationship from a pwBPD. 


AJJ. 

[Pingo]

I would wait awhile before you send it.  Give yourself some time to let your perspective clear and the FOG to lift.  Also ask yourself why you want to send the letter and what do want to accomplish by sending it.

Can you please explain what is the fog I read that a lot ?

My purpose is to recycle .

I don't know what to say or how to let her know ,she showed interest in helping the business cause she cares and want to share her ideas with me on IM I did not hear from her in 4 days now .And I am sick of thinking what is her motive ?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

[guy4caligirl]

Ok,

You're feeling pretty horrible right now, that letter is full of all good all bad and it points the finger it isnt nuteral.  If you are to do it no matter what you say she wont accept responsibility for her actions.  She will place them on you and blame you for it all.  She probably has a new BF, sorry to break it to you, if not a new BF she is in a impulsive mode atm so shopping around for a new BF with great vigor and many new 'friends'. 

What do you NEED from this relationship?

I ask that with NEED in capitals for a reason.  pwBPD NEED someone to live off, they NEED someone to basically support them and make them feel worthy.  Their is nothign their but a empty vessel that gets filled by other peoples moods and their attachment to that other person.  When you NEED somethign they wont give, they will feel repulsed and offended that you are not thinking of them.  Do you want that froma  relationship, one where your not allowed to have any NEEDS ?

If I was to write a letter souly for the pupouses of recycling it would go along these lines... . 

Dear BPD ex,

I need to thank you for all the times that we shared together.  I feel that the intensity that we shared was something special and something I will always be grateful for.  I would need to tell you that I will always have a place for you in my heart as you are a very unique and special person.  It saddens me that our relationship seems to have ended, for me I would have worked through anything with you and I know you felt the same.  Sometimes these things cant be explained and I accept that it is hard for both of us to express these feelings and look forward to your friendship in the future. 

Regards,

Looking to Recycle. 

Nothing negative, all positive, expressing NEED not emotion somethign she can relate to, leaving the door wide open for her to run back to you.  Just be aware, she wont change, she wont get any better, she will just come back when she is feeling overwhellmed in a different relationship and needs to get away from that feeling.  Friend in pwBPD = fk buddy.  It's a NEEDs based relationship, again what do you NEED out of the relationship?

You will get your recycle but your pain will only be worse, that I can garentee you.  To me it sounds like you NEED some distance and time to reduce your emotional involvement.  Not judging here, go for it by all means but ask yourself what you NEED from a relationship before you proceed, I can garentee you wont get it out of a relationship from a pwBPD. 


AJJ. 

Aussie

The fact that she can email me when she likes and open my wounds again make me feel terrible and I know there is nothing I can do to figure her dark emotional thinking when she does contact me and tying to be helpful.

it might be an ego thing but I want to really choose a path and stick with it .

I understand what I will be getting myself in if I recycle but I have hope that it might work .

If I wasn't on this site I would probably go for but I don't these comments about going back to the same hole I was in makes me want to stay away and don't even write a letter and just don't answer her emails  again

What do you think ?

[Rifka]

My input! She wants documentation of her part in forming business so she can make money and pull you into the court system for a future of cash flow!

Rifka

P.s. Please don't send her a letter to put her in control of your emotions.

[KeepOnGoing]

My input: Step away from the Ping Pong match, dude. If you put down the Ping Pong paddle, she can only play by herself. You can get good, solid business counseling and advice from someone else who is much more stable. Your letter is gonna open up a whole new world of hurt for yourself. Are you ready for that?

[Mutt]

My purpose is to recycle .

Many members are in pain on the Leaving board and they struggle with ending the relationship. They are trying to disengage.

Perhaps choosing another board will be of more help for you? Undecided and Staying are good places for learning tools to make things work  

[Aussie JJ]

g4cg... .

You have to do what you are going to be happy with. 

My most important leason here, out of this whole process, out of everything i have been through, everything I have read form other posters and everything that new posters post when arriving here. 

The only thing we have control over is what we do in life and how we choose to act.  If you think about that, you have the choice how you are going to respond or behave, you have the power over your actions, not other peoples. 

With some of the mindfulness stuff there was a poster that put up a fantastic line that I try to remember a lot of the time when I am thinking about different topics and how I choose to act.  It went something like this:

Between the reaction you have to someone and their actions and the way you react to someone and their actions there is a gap.  In that gap, that space between your intitial emotional reaction and your physical reaction there is power.  With that power you get to decide how you are going to act.  In that gap is where your true control lies and that choice, that power and control is expresed in how you choose to act. 

In essence, I feel pissed off when my boss  tells me I didnt do a good job at XYZ, I want to highlight to him all the deficiencies in the system and the flaws that he made inputing the data I used to make that decision.  Is that a constructive way to react?  Instead I say, I understand your frustration however I feel powerless when the information I am acting on has these faults, we need to improve it so it doesnt happen again, I agree it wasnt good enough. 

The reaction wasnt blaming, it accepted that blame he apointed on me however still highlighted the faults and basically said, WE need to do a better job.  That gap where I stopped myself and chose how to respond, I got a fair bit of power choosing to be nuteral in my response and constructive with my criticism of the system not the person putting the data in, my boss.  Low and behold, the data started to get a lot more accurate. 





What are you going to be happy with from yourself?  You have a fair bit of a gap between reading the e-mail and responding.  How do you want to react?  Tell her she was wrong and she did XYZ and you want to fix things up and lets sort through all of these problems (blaming).  The reaction that she has no control over will be to blame you in return, escalate and start going troppo. 

What if you choose to respond with a response that is nuteral or even applies the same sort of fogging dynamic she uses to great effect.  That is reply without an answer that is concreate, let the question slide. 

Hi exBPDgf,

I'm really overwhellmed by all the work going into this idea at the moment and there is so much happening at the present that it is just starting up.  When I have some structure and some solid plans in place I will make sure I run it by people to have more input to check that it is all logical and in order.  Thanks for the offer now and I am sorry that it isnt all in place at present so I cant get that input just yet im not ready.

regards,

non commited, non emotional detached answer to let you be happy and keep thinkign your involved. 

Or an assertive to basically shut the door and make her know that there is nothing, nothign she can put in of value however stll validating those feelings.  SET basically. 

hi exBPDgf,

Thankyou for the offer, I can see that you are excited as I am and it is a really amazing starting something new with all of that excitment that is involved, you know what im talking about as I can see your feelin excited as well.  The truth is this idea im working on is nowhere near ready for external input as it is still just an idea im working on and finalising the buisness model before progressing further.  Again, hope your going well and chat shortly,

Regards,

Validated feeling, shutdown question response, you are external to me and this project. 





What do you NEED and what do you WANT from this relationship.  Someone who just feeds off you and your new found sucess and enthusiasm and is now interested again?  Not becuase of you but because, WOW he has become sucessful again, he is happy, I want to be happy, let me have some I NEED HAPPY!

N/C man but do it in a way you will be proud of your actions.  Be gentle with how you let her down and be gentle with yourself it is bloody ppainful letting go, you dont have to explain it to me or anyone else here.  Probably the most intense soul destroying pain I have ever felt, took me 4 solid attempts before I was ready to really shut the door on my exBPDgf. 

The choice is yours, if you choose to engage, then this board as Mutt points out isnt the place to learn those leasons to make it work and for it to be a healthy relationship. 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

www.executivepsychology.com/workpsychology/2011/08/assertiveness-3-verbal-coping-skills/

For an explanation of "foggin" as it isn't listed in the communication techniques here see above link.  I cant remember the book I read it in essentially non committal, not invalidating or validating just agree in principle or at a distance or say yes that could be the case. 

A 'fogging' response is really detached from everything and doesn't offer encouragement to the enquiry. 


AJJ. 

[outside9x]

Hi Guy4caligirl.  

All I can say is I feel the same way at times n want to connect so so bad but when I think it thru which I hate , I said to myself, do I ask forgiveness for things I never did, rages I never started, distancing I never wanted since I loved her so.  Its not even about winning or who right.  Its now bowing down an accepting her actions as normal ok and thst she is validated to treat me even worst.  Yes she did admit she treated me bad but then would change that to being all my fault.  So even when they want you back look out.  Its not real n never can be.