Lost memories

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My BPD-mother is currently living in a care facility after living with me for ten  horrible years.  I have very limited contact with her as I refused to talk with her on the phone.  We write about once a week to each other.  The letters are pretty meaningless, weather, update on my critters, garden, the likes.  Anyway, she recently asked for several old photo albums.  As I was going though them, collecting what she wanted, I discovered that she had gotten into many of them while she has living here and destroyed hundreds of photos.  She left me empty albums to find.  I know no longer have a photographic history of years of my life, family, friends.  She destroyed mostly photos of my father's family.  What is worse is that my dad loved picture taking and was so careful about organizing, dating, writing who was in the picture and all I have left is his handwriting. I adored my father and we were very close.  She left many, many photos of herself and left the albums intact that were taken before I was born.   Those were the ones that she wanted.   

I have been doing a lot of reading and following information from this site and I thought I had worked though a lot of issues but this latest event has thrown me back under the bus.  She blind sided me once again.    I wrote her of my discovery and I was cool and calm in the letter.  I told her that I would be sending only the photos that I didn't care about as I knew that I would never see them again.  I sent all the ones with her and her friends and organizations that she belonged to.  I also told her that there was no need for further communication.  I was done.  Does it ever end, the torment and humiliation?  Does it ever end? 

[yogibear60]

My BPD-mother is currently living in a care facility after living with me for ten  horrible years.  I have very limited contact with her as I refused to talk with her on the phone.  We write about once a week to each other.  The letters are pretty meaningless, weather, update on my critters, garden, the likes.  Anyway, she recently asked for several old photo albums.  As I was going though them, collecting what she wanted, I discovered that she had gotten into many of them while she has living here and destroyed hundreds of photos.  She left me empty albums to find.  I know no longer have a photographic history of years of my life, family, friends.  She destroyed mostly photos of my father's family.  What is worse is that my dad loved picture taking and was so careful about organizing, dating, writing who was in the picture and all I have left is his handwriting. I adored my father and we were very close.  She left many, many photos of herself and left the albums intact that were taken before I was born.   Those were the ones that she wanted.   

I have been doing a lot of reading and following information from this site and I thought I had worked though a lot of issues but this latest event has thrown me back under the bus.  She blind sided me once again.    I wrote her of my discovery and I was cool and calm in the letter.  I told her that I would be sending only the photos that I didn't care about as I knew that I would never see them again.  I sent all the ones with her and her friends and organizations that she belonged to.  I also told her that there was no need for further communication.  I was done.  Does it ever end, the torment and humiliation?  Does it ever end? 

[Harri]

Oh yogi, my heart broke reading this post.   I have no comforting words.  There is no way to fix this or make it right is there?  I am so sorry she did that to you and to your father.  You did not deserve that and she had no right to destroy your precious photos. 

Does it ever end, the torment and humiliation?  Does it ever end?

I don't know.  Tomorrow will be 8 years since my mother died and all I can say is that time dulls and you gain perspective. 

I also told her that there was no need for further communication.

I support you in this decision. 

[pessim-optimist]

That's truly heartbreaking, yogibear... .

I am so sorry... .If you lost all the pictures in a fire, it would be terrible, but this is worse, isn't it?

I suppose there are no negatives? (some fans of photography save all of their negatives in case they want to make more pictures) Or how about some relatives that might have at least some of these pictures?

What a loss. At least nobody can deprive you of your memories of your dad. 

[yogibear60]

Thank you kindly.  I wish there were negatives but most of these photos were 30, 40, 50 years old.  My dad was sort of the family photographer and just about all the stuff was his work.  People just put their cameras away when pop showed up.  I am not sure even what I lost.  I haven't looked at them in a while.  .  I had brought up many albums up to the front room thinking that my mother might enjoy going though them.  I put them in harm's way.  It is the saying "no good deed goes unpunished"

I really put the pressure on her during the last year she lived with me.  I put in boundaries, got professional help in the home,  had to threaten her with legal evection to get her into a care center.  As I gained back control of my life, she escalated and I think this act was part of that escalation.  This was an act of war on her part, a war that took no prisoners and she knew my heart all to well.  Yes, I still have my father's memories and I am so grateful for him.  He was my life line through out my life.  He was the buffer between the two of us. 

I truly hope that the concept of being reunited with family members after death is a myth.  I hope that when she passes, my dad will be on the other side of heaven, being loved by the people that deserve his company.  He should never, ever, have to spend another moment in time with that woman.