Done Pretending, Done with the Shame

[Change2014]

So, my uBPD mom and I go to some of the same people for services (hair, etc).  I always get asked about my mom and questions that basically assume that my mom is always around and the doting grandmother to my son.  I always play along and basically make excuses or effectively lie.  I am ashamed that she isn't around more and that she barely sees my son.  Many people would be shocked at how little she sees him/us even though we live close-by.  I have decided that I am done lying and pretending.  I have resented it because I know my uBPD mom plays the part and lies.  I am not going to lie anymore.  I am no longer going to be ashamed or feel like somehow this reflects on me.  It is what it is.  Lying only helps perpetuate her fantasy world and avoid reality and I not playing Disneyland anymore.  Funny thing is I think people rather hear the lie than the truth.  But you know what, I don't care.  I don't need to tell them the sordid details, but the next time I get asked if my mom comes over a lot to see my son, I will simply say no.  Maybe then, they will stop asking me these questions which make me wince and are so painful for me to try to answer.  Getting rid of the FOG and everything is finally making sense in my brain. 

[funfunctional]

Hi Change,

Go to a new hairdressor.   Seriously.    It has become an uncomfortable experience for you.    I am speaking from experience as I learned quickly that anyone who knew my BPD MIL or my husband's x wife I did not WANT to know.    My BPD MIL bad mouthed me from day 1 before she even knew me.   So I avoid contact or connections to her... .including hair services.  I will tell you that you DON"T know the opinion those people may have of your mom becuz they are too polite to share it.  They may see thru it.   In the grand scheme people do only want to hear the fluff.    Human nature.     

Story:  I was at a kid sporting event.  This woman is a hair dressor.  We make the connection that she had my MIL as a client.   She poked and asked me about her... .and I told her "I am not close to her at all and we really don't get along".  This woman bursts out and says "if you don't mind me saying so your MIL is one of the nastiest woman I know and we hated it when she came to our hair place".    Great satification to hear but not worth a whole lot.     

I am thinking it is a blessing she stays away from you and your son.    Do you really want her around all the time?   Doesn't sound like you even like her.

Best wishes to you!

[Change2014]

Hi funfunctional!  Thank you for your response.  I have thought of seeing different people... .but I guess I really like the services and I am stubborn.  Argh.  I guess I rather just drop the facade.  They always tell me how much they like my mom and how funny she is.  That is fine.  The problem I have is when the charades relate to me.  I think they sense something is off between us, hence the persistent questions.  Or maybe they are just trying to make conversation.  But I just think I am going to be matter of fact with them.  I started getting a little more real last time when they assume that my mother is over all the time "helping" me.  Yeah, right. 

As far as a blessing that she stays away... .I guess I am conflicted still.  It hurts that she won't make an effort... .but I agree... .it would certainly be stressful and cause problems if she was around all the time.  I used to try to plead for her to be more involved, and now I have stopped that which is a lot healthier for me.  I don't need to convince someone to be in my life or my family's life.  It is either there, or it isn't.  There is still a part of me that has hope that she will seek out therapy for her problems or start taking a least some responsibility for her life.  I kind of feel like she has to hit rock bottom before doing so... .I would have thought that rock bottom was already here and it scares me how much further she has to go.  But I do realize that I cannot save her and I have stopped trying to.  Now, I can only speak the truth and recognize that this isn't a reflection of me. 

[Change2014]

One last thing... .as far as whether I like her or not.  I don't know.  I guess the thing that weighs out for me is that I "love" her.  I might not "like" her or agree with her choices, but I "love" her.  I don't think that will ever go away for me.  I know that she is in pain and living a life of avoidance and escapism.  Has she hurt me, yes.  I am sure I have hurt her as well from her perspective.  I don't think she is going to get a personality overhaul, hence a personality disorder.  But I can't stop "loving" her and it does still hurt when she doesn't make an effort to be involved much at all in my life or my son's.  It hurts less than it used to, but it still hurts especially when I see grandmas at the park with their grandchildren or more participants in their grandchild's life.  In her defense, she is making an effort to see us today and so I hope that maybe if I don't ask anything of her that she will keep reaching out.  We'll see... .and if she doesn't, then so be it.

[yogibear60]

Hi Change:  Please consider changing any service providers that you may share with your mom.  My mother used those individuals as a breeding ground for hostility against me.  After all, who is going not going to believe a sweet 80-ish woman?  I found myself in a very uncomfortable situation over and over again.  Some of the bolder people would even ask enough questions to let me know that my mother had fabricated and grossly misinformed them on things that happened around the house.

An example being:  We had a huge and I mean huge snow storm one night.  My mother had a hair appointment the next morning as try as we may we could not get the cars cleaned off and out of the driveway in time for her to go.  I suggested for her to call the hair dresser and either change the appointment or cancel for the day.  What I heard from the hair dresser was "why did you not clean the driveway and why did you keep her from coming in"  WHAT?  REALLY? 

Changing over people that you share in common will help, in my opinion, to support you in stopping the pretending and dealing with shame.  Done with things that you have no control over.   I hope this helps.  I have been in your shoes, many times...

[funfunctional]

I know it is tough Change.   However like your name says "CHANGE" is needed.  Your situation is different than mine.  It is clear that my MIL there is NO LOVE.  LOL    But you are on a fence with yours.

There shoudn't be emotion involved in getting your hair cut.   Why have to go to a hair dresser and feel like you have to advocate for yourself or defend yourself or get them involved in the relationship?   Too much emotional energy.

Hair salon is not the settling ground for issues with UPD mom.    You won't be satisfied by their responses and it will only make you feel more uncomfortable.     

Want you to be happy.    When we are in a room and feeling irritated or uncomfortable it is time to leave that room.

Good luck! 

[Change2014]

You are right funfunctional, it should be a place of relaxation (at least mostly) and not irritation.  Since I haven't tried the approach of stopping the charade, I think I am going to try that without getting into details with the service providers and just keep it simple responses in relation to my mother.  If they try to get involved or probe too much, then I will have to find someone new.  My instinct tells me they will leave it alone because I am a good customer and I don't think they want to mess with that.  I think they are bright enough to know to leave well-enough alone.  Only time will tell, I guess.  Thanks for the advice.  I know you mean well, and you too yogibear!  This is something to keep in mind if my refusal to play the fantasy part doesn't go over well. 

[funfunctional]

I do mean well.   

You deserve peace in your life.    It took me a long time to figure out how to quickly and effectively wipe the drama out and enjoy!

Best to you

Sincerely,

FunF

[Harri]

Hi Change.  I think you are making an excellent choice.    

I have decided that I am done lying and pretending.  

I have resented it because I know my uBPD mom plays the part and lies.  

I am not going to lie anymore.  

I am no longer going to be ashamed or feel like somehow this reflects on me.  

It is what it is.  

Lying only helps perpetuate her fantasy world and avoid reality and I not playing Disneyland anymore.

Maybe then, they will stop asking me these questions which make me wince and are so painful for me to try to answer.  

Getting rid of the FOG and everything is finally making sense in my brain.

But I just think I am going to be matter of fact with them.  

I started getting a little more real last time when they assume that my mother is over all the time "helping" me.  Yeah, right.

Every single sentence above makes me smile and cheer for you.  Especially the part about no longer feeling ashamed.  Keeping this secret and lying about it only perpetuates the shame, never mind the questions from others.  *You* are what is important here.  Say no to shame!  It is not yours to own, it belongs to your mother.  See how you feel after a few times of not lying and covering for your mother before you gauge how this is working.  Chances are, it is not going to feel all that good or natural the first couple of times.  

I can relate very well when you talk about the fact that you love your mother.  I loved my mother.  When I would say that to people on an email group I posted on long ago, I was usually met with people trying to explain to me that my mother's acts did not show love and I was chasing some illusion.  I wasn't.  By then I was very aware of how messed up things had been.  But I also knew that denying my love for her was just as bad and damaging as denying my anger.  So I embraced it and then worked on trying to still have realistic expectations for her.  The expectations part was hard as I never did get over the yearning at times of having a loving and supportive mother.  The thing is, I am not sure for me that that was a reasonable expectation to have about my desires.  It seems natural to want a supportive and loving mother and it seems natural that I am going to grieve and mourn the fact that she was unable to be those things for me.  :)enying or avoiding my feelings and covering up the reality of our relationship only served to increase my grief and sadness and it was more of the same old B.S. that I had always done.  I too wanted change and growth and it turned out my path was different than others.  That's okay.    The other concern people expressed to me, and I am going to caution you here too, is about having excessive *hope* that my mother would significantly change.  I don't know if that applies here, so as always, take what fits and leave the rest.     

It hurts less than it used to, but it still hurts especially when I see grandmas at the park with their grandchildren or more participants in their grandchild's life.

Yes.  Though I can't relate in terms of children (I have none) I can relate in other areas.  The thing is, acceptance and healing do not necessarily mean no more hurt.  To me, they mean being able to just sit with any feeling without denying, judging or stuffing and then moving through.

[yogibear60]

I also mean well!  It is a matter of picking your battles.    My mother lived with me and I used places like the hair dresser to escape.  The really cool thing is you have choices.  WHOO HOO.  Sending best wishes your way

[Change2014]

Thank you everyone.

Harri, I relate to a lot of what you wrote.  I think for me learning to recognize my mother's limitations and stop feeling so much anger has really helped.  Like you said, the hurt may not go away but it gets easier to deal with if I recognize it with less attachment.  It kind of just washes over me now, instead of consuming me.  I recognize it and then I let it go.  My expectations have dropped very low, so as a result I was pleasantly surprised when I had a lovely day with my mom yesterday.  It was the first time in a long time that there were no arguments or jabs.  The thing I have to work on is not letting those little moments give me hope for drastic change or more consistent behavior.  Case in point, today she came over because she needed to sign a document and it felt like a hit and run... .trying to getting into my house without ringing doorbell (boundary violation), sifting through my papers while I was upstairs (boundary violation), then pushing me to move faster (like at warp speed) because she has "some place to be" which is most likely another escape.  I thought she might actually visit a bit before dashing off.  Instead of trying to get her to change her mind, I just had her sign and then she ran off.  It was so weird... .like did that just happen.  I feel as if in her world she gave me my time yesterday and that should last me for several weeks as she runs off to the next distraction.  And then several weeks will go by or some amount of time that seems odd not to see your grandchild when you live so close and the cycle repeats.  But I know the pattern and I accept it.  And I can't let the good moments create expectation of larger change.  I feel like an objective observer of the situation, which helps deal with any emotional fallout and enables me to recover much quicker than before.