Is guilt just a bad side effect of being free? Adult child of BPDm

[coldNheartless]

Hello everyone. As always, thank you for being out there and being here too!

I am coming to terms and have grieved the loss of my BPDmom who I have been off and on NC with for years. It has been painful, but as I grow I feel stronger.

I own my own business, now. No one thought I could and they all said I was crazy to own my own horse and carriage service.

Now as an adult I relive the guilt, shame and stress (to the point of getting physically ill) that was laid on me when I was a kid. For example when I was a kid and forgot my homework (that I had completed) at home, and once I realized it the pain in guts were excruciating. My BPD mom would say, "coldNheartless, why would you do that? You did your homework and you forget it at home? Your already a mediocre student on scholarship" (it was a very academic school that I went into in 5th grade and missed a ton of background, I worked hard but never totally caught up, plus the kids were so rich that I was pegged as the low class scholarship kid). I worked really hard and never felt smart enough to be there, like genetically those kids were different, but then again, this could have been my mom projecting her own insufficiency on me. Anyway, the guilt trip over homework would end with "you know how hard I work for you to go to that school, why would you do you your homework and be so forgetful to not even bring it in, thats more stupid than not doing it at all."

I only recognized these feelings this week, I made a brutal mistake at work and was absolutely stricken with guilt, shame and embarrassment and stress. I had a tour reservation that I had accidentally missed last year and they decided to hold onto the credit and called to rebook the ride this year and I forgot it AGAIN! It was an honest mistake on my schedule that I penciled in on the wrong day. Of course they were upset, and I was apologizing and could do nothing to fix it... .I offered to pay for their dinner while they kill some time and I get my carriage ready. They decline and tell me that they will call me the next day to deal with it, which they don't. So the night of, I am burning up, my stomach is so sick and nauseous that I realize, that this is what is was like ALL the time when I was a kid. It was torture and now these feelings come back.

When we were talking and I told her about a mistake, she actually said "ColdNheartless, I can't belive you did that? Why bother doing everything you do for your business if you blow off customers", I know its true.

There are more complicated layers in there too, with her projecting her pain on me. When my BPDm was in pain from breaking up with a boyfriend or detoxing she used to hurt herself. She would carve herself up with razors and once even carved my name really deep into her chest. (Yes, I've done lots of T, please don't tell me to go get more, ). I think about her and think about how she was abused as a child and treated like garbage and I feel pain for her. (She likes to point out that she was way more abused as a child than I was, which is true, I was never physically harmed. She has told me that I am lucky that I was never physically abuse, which I guess I am lucky that never happened). The guilt is so strong.

When I started cutting myself as a teen she freaked and took away everything she could, my clothing, music, art supplies, I was only allowed to use the phone for short periods and I know she was listening in. I packed a bag and kept it under my bed until she went to work and I took off. It was the most free feeling even though I knew she was going to hunt me down. She did.

I am free from her, now that I am almost 30 and NC, but I can't shake the physical symptoms that are triggered by things out of my control. I know that every person on this planet makes mistakes. I still feel guilty for things she imposed on me; my body, how I responded to her as a teen.  I never partake in destructive behavior when I am having strong emotions both happy or sad, as I know what it leads to.

Now I am getting married and I feel guilty because I refuse to invite her to my wedding because she hates me and is so mean to my guy. Why do I feel guilty? Because I know that inside her head she is dying to be there.

I feel guilty that I have a happy life and healthy relationship with my sweetheart. She even told me as a kid that no man would ever love me because I was disgusting, I was fat by her standards and I pick my nose. My job is what she wanted to do with her life, and I feel guilty that she never got to own horses. \

I enjoy my life that I have created, I like the person Iam, Im ok with my body and I even try to do stress modification activities.

Is guilt just a bad side effect of being free?

[pessim-optimist]

Hello coldNheartless,

It's tough to be going through what you are going through... .The feelings are enough torture by themselves... .

Be kind to yourself... .What can you do for you to soothe your body?

In the midst of this suffering, you have realized something really important and now there is a way out. Little by little, you can talk yourself through these situations and nurture and comfort your inner child. With time, it will get better... .

... .she actually said "ColdNheartless, I can't believe you did that? Why bother doing everything you do for your business if you blow off customers", I know its true.

Is it true, really? If you deliberately decided to blow off your customers, that would be different from making this mistake, correct? And putting it on the calendar with the wrong date also does not look like "blowing off customers".

A mistake, yes. Costly? Perhaps. But like you said - we all make mistakes. The good news? This is your business - meaning, you aren't going to get fired from your job for this, AND this one mistake is not going to sink your business, either.

I think that a lot of our parents made us feel like our mistakes were something so terrible that it sent us into an existential panic - like our life was at stake. Now, our physiological response is way too strong for the circumstances.

Is guilt just a bad side effect of being free?

Guilt, if it's functioning properly, is a feeling we have if we have violated our moral code. It is supposed to guide us to get back to our moral code, and to repair the damage done, if possible.

There are a lot of guilty feelings out there in the world and inside of us, that have nothing to do with violating a moral code... .

One of them is "survivors' guilt" when some people die in a dangerous situation and some survive, survivors feel guilty for not having died also. Like they don't deserve to live, because someone else wasn't this fortunate.

This seems a bit similar... .

[coldNheartless]

Hi pessim-optimist,

I appreciate your response, and you are right on. I never thought about what is the purpose of certain feelings, but it makes perfect sense.

I was able to iron out the clients and miraculously they came back for a tour and I made them a cheese and wine basket and gave them a very good tour, they even tipped me and told me they would be back. I didn't expect that at all, I kinda expected them to be really mad throughout the ride, but they were so nice. I decided not to fire me, because then I would have to rehire me and that would be too much work, .

It has been getting better and I shall return to your post to glean more from your words as I am able to process.

Thank you

[Kwamina]

Hi coldNheartless

She likes to point out that she was way more abused as a child than I was, which is true, I was never physically harmed. She has told me that I am lucky that I was never physically abuse, which I guess I am lucky that never happened

Abusers tend to say these kind of things to the people they abuse in order to be able to continue abusing them. I would say that what your mother said isn't the whole story though. If I complete the sentence it would probably be something like this: "You are lucky that you was never physically abused! I only abused you psychologically, emotionally and spiritually!"  When it's put like that I think you'll see that you weren't that lucky at all. Not all BPD parents are physically abusive but all the other forms of abuse do a lot of damage too, especially considering that we as children experienced that abuse during our crucial formative yours. In fact a very damaging aspect of physical abuse is how you get hurt and scarred psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. However, this hurt and scarring can also occur without any physical abuse.

Pessim-optimist has given you some great advice about being kind to yourself. I hope you will be able to find ways to soothe yourself.

I think that a lot of our parents made us feel like our mistakes were something so terrible that it sent us into an existential panic - like our life was at stake. Now, our physiological response is way too strong for the circumstances.

I think Pessim-optimist makes a great point here. It can indeed help to observe ourselves and ask if our strong emotional responses are really appropriate considering what's actually going on. Often people who have suffered abuse tend to react very strongly when something happens as a result of the fact that they are actually also reacting to things that happened in the past. Based on your post I would say that you're also becoming aware of this now and this awareness is the first step to try and fix this issue or at least make it more manageable.

PS. Great that your clients came back!

[pessim-optimist]

I was able to iron out the clients and miraculously they came back for a tour and I made them a cheese and wine basket and gave them a very good tour, they even tipped me and told me they would be back. I didn't expect that at all, I kinda expected them to be really mad throughout the ride, but they were so nice.

That is wonderful! I think this will be one of the healing moments/memories on your journey.

So, how does that make you feel right now?