Wow, some wonderful stuff there. Thank you Kwamina and Ziggiddy for your replies. I think for starters this is at the core of why finding this condition beneficial:
"there are certainly ways to learn to best handle BPD like traits or behaviour."
I have always felt that low self esteem and fears of abandonment are core to her reactions. Even if she is not aware of them. By keeping that fact in mind and perhaps reassuring her as to her worth (when appropriate) and that we are family and therefore there for her (when we are able to be) will be core.
We were never abusive in our family, but neither were we demonstrably affectionate. Not enough kisses, cuddles, hugs, or just saying "Luv ya" at the end of phone conversations. Her husband said that to his niece the other day while I was there and she scoffed. Which was actually sad.
We were brought up in an era where children were seen and not heard and you didn't praise people or they would get swelled heads. Growing up the non academic one with siblings who went to University also added to this (which she mentions in passing a lot). "I'm not bright, like you lot."
So hopefully now I will see these for what they really are, pleas for reasurance that she is fine like she is and has other qualities to be proud of.
I will check out that link. Thanks. I did do some further reading last night. My problem is that there seems to be a fine line between letting them get away with manipulative tactics (dealing with the FOG) and the advice I seem to be reading on other threads that it is hopeless trying to change them we need to learn to deal. I am still to be convinced that's good for her in the long run.
As Kwamina said:
There are people with BPD who have learned to better manage their thoughts and emotions and by doing so have improved their behavior. However, for this to happen it is essential that they fully acknowledge their issues and commit to working on them.
But first I need to look at ways I can help be a buffer/filter and maybe assist the rest of the famly to see the underlying need and not react to her when she gets nasty (and starts using THAT voice!).
Have you been in situations before when your sister wasn't able to rationally cope with these kind of things? How did you deal with things then and do you feel like there are any learning points from those past experiences that might be of help to you now?
That is defintely something to think about. I've been talking about this with my husband and noted that humor works well in these instances. Self-deprecating.
Your posts suggests your primary concern is what would happen to your sister if her husband wouldn't be around anymore. Would you say this is a correct assessment of mine?
Spot on Kwamina. But you're right. She's actually very competent in many ways, and she has proved that to herself in the past, so if she is appearing worried, I need to remind her of these times.
However, not all people with BPD who project an image of helplessness are actually that helpless when they find themselves in the situation that there's no other option but to take care of things themselves.
Part of the problem is we've never been taught/encouraged to communicate honestly what our needs and fears are. So that is an avenue to follow. The SET principle. Starting with some sharing of my own insecurities and leading it to her (rather than the opposite which is usually when someone starts sharing their load we either try to fix it or switch the topic to us instead of exploring their problem and encouraging them to offload their concerns.
But I am concerned about having her need us more after he has gone. She does try to divide and conquer. And my sister's husband and children won't have a bar of her because of how she treated my sister when she worked for her for a while. I should email/phone more.
But basically it comes down to:
a strong need for the love and approval of others
But more importantly, George Benson nailed it:
www.dai.ly/xxxvg7
