How long were you in a relationship with a BPD before it finally fell apart ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My relationship has been over for about 7 weeks now (she's been with my successor 15 weeks now... .8 week overlap! yay! ) I have not reached that 3-5 month threshold yet... .Here's how my 13 months went down:

1. 15 weeks of big time honeymoon idealization (dopamine at dangerously high levels);

2. 2 weeks of her on walkabout; make up/misunderstanding/my fault apparently (what?);

3. 4 weeks of normalcy (if that's even possible)

4. 2 weeks of devaluation (just in time for the holidays and a big New Year's blow off);

5. 1 week of me walking away;

6. 1 week of her kicking and screaming... i love you (subsequently taking her back because I loved her too and I was a spineless chump)

7. 4 weeks of weird push/pull ending with her not able to be in a relationship - so I walked... .

8. 4 weeks of no contact on my part... .she kept up contacting and escalated to bunny boiling levels

9. 1 week of reconciliation (did I mention me being a chump)

10. 3 weeks of honeymoon-esque bliss

11. 10 weeks of okay-ness mixed with some weird push-pull thing (started to set boundaries towards the end)

12. 5 weeks of devaluation (new guy starts a texting frenzy. Setting boundaries=New guy appears? coincidental?)

13. 1 week of I break up with her, she drives up to my house at 2 AM begs, pleads, offers sacrifices, and other fun things. We hang out, she goes home and subsequently ignores me for 3 days and then breaks up with me. (I guess it had to be her idea. So original of her)

14. 1 week of silence

15. 3 weeks of late night "come over's" I resisted the temptation all but about 4 times... .come on, I'm a guy.

16. Crickets... .chirp chirp (my depression begins)

Does any of this sound familiar? People say she will be back. I really doubt it at this point... .Thoughts?

[Craydar]

My relationship has been over for about 7 weeks now (she's been with my successor 15 weeks now... .8 week overlap! yay! ) I have not reached that 3-5 month threshold yet... .Here's how my 13 months went down:

1. 15 weeks of big time honeymoon idealization (dopamine at dangerously high levels);

2. 2 weeks of her on walkabout; make up/misunderstanding/my fault apparently (what?);

3. 4 weeks of normalcy (if that's even possible)

4. 2 weeks of devaluation (just in time for the holidays and a big New Year's blow off);

5. 1 week of me walking away;

6. 1 week of her kicking and screaming... i love you (subsequently taking her back because I loved her too and I was a spineless chump)

7. 4 weeks of weird push/pull ending with her not able to be in a relationship - so I walked... .

8. 4 weeks of no contact on my part... .she kept up contacting and escalated to bunny boiling levels

9. 1 week of reconciliation (did I mention me being a chump)

10. 3 weeks of honeymoon-esque bliss

11. 10 weeks of okay-ness mixed with some weird push-pull thing (started to set boundaries towards the end)

12. 5 weeks of devaluation (new guy starts a texting frenzy. Setting boundaries=New guy appears? coincidental?)

13. 1 week of I break up with her, she drives up to my house at 2 AM begs, pleads, offers sacrifices, and other fun things. We hang out, she goes home and subsequently ignores me for 3 days and then breaks up with me. (I guess it had to be her idea. So original of her)

14. 1 week of silence

15. 3 weeks of late night "come over's" I resisted the temptation all but about 4 times... .come on, I'm a guy.

16. Crickets... .chirp chirp (my depression begins)

Does any of this sound familiar? People say she will be back. I really doubt it at this point... .Thoughts?

[camuse]

Basically it seems most people get a honeymoon period or 3 or 4 months, after which a normal relationship either fizzles out or progresses into something more stable and longer term, but in our case it turns into a weird nightmare that we feel unable to walk away from.

I think a lesson is that things aren't always meant to last and people are sometimes just meant to appear in order to teach you something. If mine had fizzled out at the 3 month mark, i think i could look back on it as something fun that helped me grow and experience new things, instead of the grim memory i now have of 2 years of misery. A lesson for me is that when things break, accept it and move on.

[going places]

TWENTY TWO YEARS... .then his mask fell off.

Spent the last 3 years trying to make it make sense, heal the marriage, etc.

6 months ago I started reading, researching... .

It's not me. I am not the failure... .nothing I could do would make things right.

And there was no turning back.

So, a total of 25 years before I threw him out, and started really, healing.

Praise the Lord his mask, fell off. SO MANY things make sense today... .that made no sense, for YEARS.

[Panda39]

I'm dating a man who has a uBPDew so I 'll vote for him.

Married 19 years.  First half lots of red flags, issues with lying, issues with money & hypochondria.

At about the mid point of the marriage her mom died (ultimate abandonment).  She talked to her mom everyday... .we think mom helped keep uBPDxw behaviors in check.  So when mom died she really went off the deep end becoming less and less functional.

They separated 17 years in.  The divorce took 2 years! 

[Agent_of_Chaos]

We were together for about 3 years.  Now that I have more knowledge of what I was dealing with under my belt, there were signs from the get go.  In hindsight had I knew what I know now, I would have pushed her to get help or hung my hat up.  I think we all feel that way.

The first year - year and a half was complete joy.  We were figuring each other out and growing in love.  After that, we slowly started unraveling.  We never really fought though we were excellent at bickering.  Her life started plummeting.  Losing jobs, facing legal woes, and I was just standing there asking myself what the heck was going on.

It wasn't until I was left there with my heart still beating in my hands that I said to myself, "What just happened is not normal".  I started doing research and trying to understand et voila... .here I am.

Get out of my brain sir. You're stealing my story. Except for our lousy dysfunctional sex life. But then again, when you're with someone that you love. The quantity and quality of sex can be overlooked to an extent... .

Haha Fred, actually it's mam.  That makes me sound ancient though -_-  I agree about the overlooking segment, boy did I ever.

[Inside]

8. 4 weeks of no contact on my part... .she kept up contacting and escalated to bunny boiling levels

You know   as difficult as this is for any of us, you folks are a hoot to spend time with!  (Any thoughts on an annual Non Convention?)

12. 5 weeks of devaluation (new guy starts a texting frenzy. Setting boundaries=New guy appears? coincidental?)

... .you had me backtracking to your previous sentence, yes - no doubt!  I remember the same: I’d insert a boundary, she’d play (reluctantly) compliant; but behind my back she was schemin

Does any of this sound familiar? People say she will be back. I really doubt it at this point... .Thoughts?

She will reappear in some form, text, porch, parking lot, party… they’re Stalkers, too.  We know what the new guy’s in for - we even know the timeline!  Be prepared

[In Pain]

This is good.

I was sure that most relationships with a BPD were short. But there are quite a few long term as well.

Please keep voting.

Again my question:

Which relationship is the rebound ?

Can a rebound last 2 years... .or are they usually just a few months ?

[Deeno02]

So far so good. Almost 2 months b/u and 34 days NC. Think Im safe. I dont think she will contact me ever again.

[Hawk Ridge]

Does the replacement usually get the same timeline or less or more time?

[Waifed]

It must be exhausting for these people with severe traits. Can they truly believe the next one will be their permanent prince?  Then again I'm 47 and single!  At least I had a 14 year marriage and two beautiful kids.

[ScotisGone74]

Looking at the poll results I m a little surprised that about 15% of people voting had been in a relationship of 10 years or longer.   I think that proves that there is much variance in the degree of the disorder... .or there is more people like us that can put up with it than I thought.   

[fred6]

Does the replacement usually get the same timeline or less or more time?

No telling going forward. But looking at my ex's past. For 10 years +, she hadn't had a relationship that lasted for more than 4-5 months. There were only a handful of relationships where she introduced the person to her kids, family, and friends. Most of them weren't relationships, they were secretive friends with benefits. These were people that she was sneaking around with. Reliable sources tell me that before I came around, my ex always left her kids at her parents house and was not around a lot of the time. What she was doing, nobody knows. Probably slutting around.

When I came around she started keeping her kids more and doing family type things. More like a typical type relationship. When I went by there to pick up my mail a month ago, her son told me that he hadn't met new supply yet. She's seeing him for 2-3 months now. They have no public Facebook interaction between them on her page except him sporadically liking some of her posts. Before I left for good, she told me that they were just friends and she doesn't want a relationship. So unless somethings changed in the last few weeks, new supply seems to be one of her secret "sex buddies" that nobody knows about.

On the flip side. Although we went to elementary school together, I hadn't seen her in 20 years. But I met her kids the day after I met her for drinks. I met her family within a week or two. Our relationship lasted 3 years +/-. So in my case I don't think the replacement will last that long, but who knows? The biggest questions that I have is why did I last so long compared to everyone else in the past 10 years? Either at some point she actually liked me, I'm a weak idiot that likes being a doormat, or both. Flip a coin... .

[Waifed]

Does the replacement usually get the same timeline or less or more time?

No telling going forward. But looking at my ex's past. For 10 years +, she hadn't had a relationship that lasted for more than 4-5 months. There were only a handful of relationships where she introduced the person to her kids, family, and friends. Most of them weren't relationships, they were secretive friends with benefits. These were people that she was sneaking around with. Reliable sources tell me that before I came around, my ex always left her kids at her parents house and was not around a lot of the time. What she was doing, nobody knows. Probably slutting around.

When I came around she started keeping her kids more and doing family type things. More like a typical type relationship. When I went by there to pick up my mail a month ago, her son told me that he hadn't met new supply yet. She's seeing him for 2-3 months now. They have no public Facebook interaction between them on her page except him sporadically liking some of her posts. Before I left for good, she told me that they were just friends and she doesn't want a relationship. So unless somethings changed in the last few weeks, new supply seems to be one of her secret "sex buddies" that nobody knows about.

On the flip side. Although we went to elementary school together, I hadn't seen her in 20 years. But I met her kids the day after I met her for drinks. I met her family within a week or two. Our relationship lasted 3 years +/-. So in my case I don't think the replacement will last that long, but who knows? The biggest questions that I have is why did I last so long compared to everyone else in the past 10 years? Either at some point she actually liked me, I'm a weak idiot that likes being a doormat, or both. Flip a coin... .

I think it has more to do with how much we will put up with and also the severity of their illness.  I know that everything was "fine" in my relationship until I started asking questions and tightened up my boundaries.  Of course "fine" is relative.  Their was never anything normal about the relationship, but I was fresh out of a marriage and she was basically a FWB for the first year and a half.  She finally got her hooks in me around Year two and I became more possessive, needy and aware of her lies, manipulation and cheating.   

[fred6]

I think it has more to do with how much we will put up with and also the severity of their illness.  I know that everything was "fine" in my relationship until I started asking questions and tightened up my boundaries.  Of course "fine" is relative.  Their was never anything normal about the relationship, but I was fresh out of a marriage and she was basically a FWB for the first year and a half.  She finally got her hooks in me around Year two and I became more possessive, needy and aware of her lies, manipulation and cheating.  

I think you're right. In my opinion, my ex is mid level severity, high functioning, and underachieving. You know what Waifed? She is the one that always lost her temper with me. I only really lost my temper 4-5 times and when that happened she wouldn't engage with me. She just went into detached protector mode and continued what she was doing, almost like she was scared of something. But when she lost her temper with me, I always tried to resolve the conflict with her. Most of the time there was a stalemate and I wound up shuting down and withdrawing. Then I always had to be the one that was the first to come back and "break the silence" and walk on eggshells. That was our dynamic.  

[Hawk Ridge]

Fred, my r/s was nearly an identical dynamic.  How long did you stay together?  How long Did her next r/s (if there was one) last?

[Deeno02]

I never said a damn word. Either blew it off with humor, apologized or said nothing. Until the final treat me special or else made me snap and go NC for a few days to sort it out and ask her to go to counseling. She said she finally knew what she wanted, dumped me and couple days later, new guy on board. I was such an idiot. Tried to make it work, I really did. To the best of my ability, I wasn't good enough. Just wasn't.

[Vitto18]

Six years in total, including several break ups/ make ups, the longest of which was 3 months long.

She cheated on the father of her first child with five guys at work that I know of (over a period of about two years before our r\s started), before finally leaving him for me.  . That obviously should have been my first clue.

I did ask her about it, but she said they had been apart when she'd hooked up with those other guys.   .

That he had cheated on her too & was abusive. Told me to stop holding her past mistakes against her.  .

I gave her the benefit of the doubt, figured maybe she was young & naïve, letting guys use her for sex. It was unfair of me to judge her since I happened to know her history & she didn't know mine. I felt sorry for her & wanted to treat her better than ebveryone before me.

Anyway the first three or four months of our r\s were great. We started being intimate from our first date   & she was saying "I love you" after a month.   

Ofcourse she waited until a couple of weeks into our r/s to finally break up with          him, at my insistence   because I didn't want to sneak around, or share.    .

From then on I drove her home from work every day, she was at my place every weekend, twenty e-mails & texts a day, and after 3 or 4 months, I started to feel a bit smothered.

She was very clingy & I wasn't used to that in a r/s.

I suggested we spend one weekend apart and she flipped out; raged and cried & disappeared from home for that whole weekend, her mom called me frantic asking if I knew where she was.

She re-appeared on Monday morning, saying she'd gone to a friend's house because she was "stressed out."

No expanation as to why she didn't tell anyone where she was or why her phone was off the whole time.   

A couple of months later, we had another disagreement, again about spending too much time together (I felt guilty that she was not spending much time with her daughter because of me)

Again rage & tears, this time she locked herself in the bathroom with a huge carving knife, threatening to kill herself because I didn't really love her & she was a bad mother etc. Massive  . I had to kick my own bathroom door down after an hour or trying to talk her out. From then on, I was walking on eggshells, watching my words & doing all I could not to upset her again.

Not long after that there was the "surprise/miracle" pregnancy (she initially swore she was on the pill, only much later admitted she wanted us to have a baby to make sure that I would never leave her).

Thereafter we started living together & the rages, emotional meltdowns & drama became a regular thing. We'd be fine for a couple of months and then she would erupt like a volcano for one reason or another. Her family, me, the baby, people at work, whatever.

I thought I could live with it, help her deal with her emotions better, thought (hoped) she'd mature & mellow eventually, but ofcourse she never did.

Then a second "surprise" baby, this time to ensure we would get married. 

The final straw for me was finding out she was busy with one of her married exes behind my back.

[Craydar]

Does the replacement usually get the same timeline or less or more time?

I believe it depends on the personality of the nonBPD partner. Those who set boundaries from the start stand a better chance of a longer honeymoon primarily because it's done in the idealization/mirroring phase. Yet on the contrary this could backfire if boundaries are tested and the non has a zero tolerance for BS. Those who set no boundaries are the hardest hit because they get walked on and still remain in the game. When it's finally over the carnage is aweful. I know from experience

[Deeno02]

Does the replacement usually get the same timeline or less or more time?

I believe it depends on the personality of the nonBPD partner. Those who set boundaries from the start stand a better chance of a longer honeymoon primarily because it's done in the idealization/mirroring phase. Yet on the contrary this could backfire if boundaries are tested and the non has a zero tolerance for BS. Those who set no boundaries are the hardest hit because they get walked on and still remain in the game. When it's finally over the carnage is aweful. I know from experience

Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Same here. No boundaries,  got folded like a cheap suit 16 months later. Valuable lesson.

[fred6]

Fred, my r/s was nearly an identical dynamic.  How long did you stay together?  How long Did her next r/s (if there was one) last?

We were together 36-38 months. I'm not exactly sure when it started or ended, . There was a strong push/component to our relationship, but we never did the break up/make up thing. She's the type that once she puts someone out of her life, she's done with them. Although she's talked about her past boyfriends at times. From what I can tell, she doesn't think about them all that much. They are just another name on a list in somewhere in the back of her head.

As far as her new r/s, I'm not sure. She friended him on FB in May. She split me in late July. I Moved out in late September. I'm not sure what kind of r/s they have. She said that they are just friends. They don't really have any FB activity between each other. So they may not be in a relationship. Maybe she's just slutting around with him on the down low. Other than a couple texts, I haven't had any contact with anyone, so I'm just guessing at all of this.