How to detach while still living together

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My husband and I are still living together. We have married for 16.5 years and have four young kids.

Emotionally, I feel like I am already gone. However, due to finances and other practical matters it is going to take some time to lay the groundwork for one of us to be able to leave. I am pretty sure that the kids and are will be the ones that end up leaving because he is so resistant to do anything differently. The last time I got him to shape up a bit was when I had actually made plans and found a way out for the girls and I. That fell through. I have tried to find all sorts of ways for us to separate, leave, or something. He had his own room for a while but we moved back into the same room so that our oldest could have her own room. I sleep on the couch or on the floor of the kids' room most nights. The only time I sleep in the bed is when he is not in there.

It kills me that he is the one that has repeatedly told me that he can't commit yet he is asking me "Where do we stand?" We went to my brother's wedding over the weekend and he was telling me how horrible he felt to be at their wedding and see them so happy while knowing that our marriage was falling apart if not over. I felt like an a&& because I told him, "I didn't feel bad at all. I was very happy for them." How the heck can he make somebody else's wedding about him? On top of that, he was questioning why there were no pictures of me and him together. My brother and his bride were the focus of the wedding. I was the matron of honor so I was busy and did not have the time to deal with him. I needed him there to help with the kids and take pictures.

And he made some remark like, "It made me sad knowing that our marriage could have been good." I dont' even remember. I just know that I told him that I don't feel like I have many regrets because I spent 15 years focusing on him and trying to do everything I could so that we could have a good marriage and a good family life. He is sad and has regrets but he can't commit. How does that even work?

I just want to maintain my sanity until I can find a way for one of us to move out. Has anybody else been in this situation?

I feel like I am posting a lot these days. I am trying to detach and become boring and keep certain things in the front of my mind so that I can continue to detach and work towards actually leaving.

[vortex of confusion]

My husband and I are still living together. We have married for 16.5 years and have four young kids.

Emotionally, I feel like I am already gone. However, due to finances and other practical matters it is going to take some time to lay the groundwork for one of us to be able to leave. I am pretty sure that the kids and are will be the ones that end up leaving because he is so resistant to do anything differently. The last time I got him to shape up a bit was when I had actually made plans and found a way out for the girls and I. That fell through. I have tried to find all sorts of ways for us to separate, leave, or something. He had his own room for a while but we moved back into the same room so that our oldest could have her own room. I sleep on the couch or on the floor of the kids' room most nights. The only time I sleep in the bed is when he is not in there.

It kills me that he is the one that has repeatedly told me that he can't commit yet he is asking me "Where do we stand?" We went to my brother's wedding over the weekend and he was telling me how horrible he felt to be at their wedding and see them so happy while knowing that our marriage was falling apart if not over. I felt like an a&& because I told him, "I didn't feel bad at all. I was very happy for them." How the heck can he make somebody else's wedding about him? On top of that, he was questioning why there were no pictures of me and him together. My brother and his bride were the focus of the wedding. I was the matron of honor so I was busy and did not have the time to deal with him. I needed him there to help with the kids and take pictures.

And he made some remark like, "It made me sad knowing that our marriage could have been good." I dont' even remember. I just know that I told him that I don't feel like I have many regrets because I spent 15 years focusing on him and trying to do everything I could so that we could have a good marriage and a good family life. He is sad and has regrets but he can't commit. How does that even work?

I just want to maintain my sanity until I can find a way for one of us to move out. Has anybody else been in this situation?

I feel like I am posting a lot these days. I am trying to detach and become boring and keep certain things in the front of my mind so that I can continue to detach and work towards actually leaving.

[fred6]

My husband and I are still living together. We have married for 16.5 years and have four young kids.

Emotionally, I feel like I am already gone. However, due to finances and other practical matters it is going to take some time to lay the groundwork for one of us to be able to leave. I am pretty sure that the kids and are will be the ones that end up leaving because he is so resistant to do anything differently. The last time I got him to shape up a bit was when I had actually made plans and found a way out for the girls and I. That fell through. I have tried to find all sorts of ways for us to separate, leave, or something. He had his own room for a while but we moved back into the same room so that our oldest could have her own room. I sleep on the couch or on the floor of the kids' room most nights. The only time I sleep in the bed is when he is not in there.

It kills me that he is the one that has repeatedly told me that he can't commit yet he is asking me "Where do we stand?" We went to my brother's wedding over the weekend and he was telling me how horrible he felt to be at their wedding and see them so happy while knowing that our marriage was falling apart if not over. I felt like an a&& because I told him, "I didn't feel bad at all. I was very happy for them." How the heck can he make somebody else's wedding about him? On top of that, he was questioning why there were no pictures of me and him together. My brother and his bride were the focus of the wedding. I was the matron of honor so I was busy and did not have the time to deal with him. I needed him there to help with the kids and take pictures.

And he made some remark like, "It made me sad knowing that our marriage could have been good." I dont' even remember. I just know that I told him that I don't feel like I have many regrets because I spent 15 years focusing on him and trying to do everything I could so that we could have a good marriage and a good family life. He is sad and has regrets but he can't commit. How does that even work?

I just want to maintain my sanity until I can find a way for one of us to move out. Has anybody else been in this situation?

I feel like I am posting a lot these days. I am trying to detach and become boring and keep certain things in the front of my mind so that I can continue to detach and work towards actually leaving.

I couldn't really detach from the situation until I left. It took me 2 months to actually move out. My ex cast me off to a spare bedroom with only a twin mattress on the floor. She avoided me, was very hostile, raged at me when I tried to talk about our issues, and just was an all around a$$hole to me after she "flipped the switch". I don't think that there is a proper way to detach when the person you love and care about is right there in your face. Kind of like a drunk being locked in a liquor store. That was the most stressful time in my whole life. It's hard since I've moved out, but it's 10 times better than having to be treated the way she was treating me while I was still there. When I got my crappy little apartment, I had no furniture and I still stayed there for the last 3-4 days before I was moved out. I literally couldn't take anymore. There were a few times while I was still living with her that I wished that I just wouldn't wake up the next morning. If I was you, I would get away ASAP.

[vortex of confusion]

If I was you, I would get away ASAP.

I can't and won't do that to my kids. I am not going to rip them out of the only home that they have ever known. I am not going to do anything drastic. I am a very logical person and I do not like to do things without a plan in place first.

[fred6]

If I was you, I would get away ASAP.

I can't and won't do that to my kids. I am not going to rip them out of the only home that they have ever known. I am not going to do anything drastic. I am a very logical person and I do not like to do things without a plan in place first.

Your partner won't leave?

[vortex of confusion]

Your partner won't leave?

Nope, he is not going to leave any time soon. This was a while ago but he made sure to mention that I would have to get a full time job because he wouldn't be able to contribute much and the kids lives would have to change, blah, blah, blah. He has since recanted that but I have no doubt that he will do whatever he can to stay. So, I am having to build up my professional experience. I have a friggin' master's degree and work two part time jobs. I just got my second job about 6 months ago so I am going to need to work a bit longer and figure out how to handle the kid stuff on my own as I don't know if I will be able to rely on him at all.

He is such an unpredictable variable that I would much rather figure out how to do it on my own or with the help of others. But, before I do anything like that, I want to be as detached as humanly possible.

[fred6]

Your partner won't leave?

Nope, he is not going to leave any time soon. This was a while ago but he made sure to mention that I would have to get a full time job because he wouldn't be able to contribute much and the kids lives would have to change, blah, blah, blah. He has since recanted that but I have no doubt that he will do whatever he can to stay. So, I am having to build up my professional experience. I have a friggin' master's degree and work two part time jobs. I just got my second job about 6 months ago so I am going to need to work a bit longer and figure out how to handle the kid stuff on my own as I don't know if I will be able to rely on him at all.

He is such an unpredictable variable that I would much rather figure out how to do it on my own or with the help of others. But, before I do anything like that, I want to be as detached as humanly possible.

Sorry Vortex, no disrespect intended. I was just giving you my situation. They were my ex's kids so there is nothing that I could do about them. You and your partner seem to somewhat get along better that we did though. I just couldn't take anymore. I was at the edge of the cliff.

On an off note, she promised me that I could visit with her daughter and the cat sometimes. I inquired about seeing them and she texted me, "You need to leave me the fcuk alone". What the heck? She made the promise. Fine, she want's alone, she gets alone. Although, I suspect that no matter who she's with, she'll always be alone within her crazy mind. So, I'm done. There is absolutely nothing more I can do. To hell with her!

[SickofMe]

This was a while ago but he made sure to mention that I would have to get a full time job because he wouldn't be able to contribute much and the kids lives would have to change, blah, blah, blah.

It's not really his call how much he contributes, assuming he's working. I guess you probably know that, but in case you don't.

[vortex of confusion]

Sorry Vortex, no disrespect intended. I was just giving you my situation. They were my ex's kids so there is nothing that I could do about them. You and your partner seem to somewhat get along better that we did though. I just couldn't take anymore. I was at the edge of the cliff.

On an off note, she promised me that I could visit with her daughter and the cat sometimes. I inquired about seeing them and she texted me, "You need to leave me the fcuk alone". What the heck? She made the promise. Fine, she want's alone, she gets alone. Although, I suspect that no matter who she's with, she'll always be alone within her crazy mind. So, I'm done. There is absolutely nothing more I can do. To hell with her!

I didn't think you were being disrespectful at all. I have been asked that question by multiple people in real life. Since I am the primary caregiver to the kids and I am the one that does most everything, his happy a&& should be the one to leave. I know several people in real life that are bit annoyed with me because I am not forcing him out.

I am done and I don't think there is anything more that I can do for our relationship but, I can try to protect the kids and be very strategic as to how I go about getting out. Maybe I will find a way for him to move out. I know him well enough to know that he is so darned disconnected from reality that he isn't going to do anything as long as I let him live in his game world. At least with him still there, I have a live in babysitter. He sure as hell isn't much of a dad. Our daughters have said that the dog is more of a man that dad is.

[vortex of confusion]

It's not really his call how much he contributes, assuming he's working. I guess you probably know that, but in case you don't.

My brother has been through a divorce so he has given me the low down on how things work. I have had several people in real life tell me that I am being too nice and that I should just make him leave and take him to court and let the courts decide how much he is going to give me. I am not there yet. I am convinced that there is a better way.

And even if it isn't his call, it is only logical to assume that he would not be able to contribute as much as he does now because he would have to pay for his place to live and his utilities.

[SickofMe]

I am convinced that there is a better way.

Sometimes there is, and I hope it works that way for you.

Money and practicalities are for real, no doubt.  It just irks me when people (like your husband) make such controlling statements--like he gets to decide how much he contributes?  He's pretty comfy right now, huh, does what he wants when he wants.  Splitting up will be harder for him, than you, if you divorce him and there is a court order.  I know you are working toward an amicable solution and that is admirable.

I parent on my own and totally understand where you are coming from as far as needing a steady, reliable income and/or help with the children.  Sounds like right now, you are getting a bit of that.  It would be really scary, overwhelming to contemplate taking care of four on your own.

[vortex of confusion]

Sometimes there is, and I hope it works that way for you.

It may or may not work. I figure that if I exhaust all possibilities first, then I won't have any regrets. If I have to turn mean, I can and will but I am going to try to avoid it if at all possible.

Money and practicalities are for real, no doubt.  It just irks me when people (like your husband) make such controlling statements--like he gets to decide how much he contributes?  He's pretty comfy right now, huh, does what he wants when he wants.  Splitting up will be harder for him, than you, if you divorce him and there is a court order.  I know you are working toward an amicable solution and that is admirable.

It is going to be way harder on him because he will have to start paying his own bills and keeping up with stuff. Right now, I keep up with all of the bills. I do most of the financial juggling. It is better now than it used to be because at least now he will log in to the bank account and check the balance before spending money. Before, he would call me and find out. And, it will be harder for him because he will end up alone. I don't see any of our kids wanting to go with him. he has made a lot of those little controlling statements. They usually leave me feeling like a deer in the headlights. When I try to call him on it, he will back pedal and say that he didn't mean it or that he didn't say it. He doesn't completely deny it as much as he used to. Now his MO is to say, "I didn't mean it. I was mad." Like that somehow makes it all okay or all better.

I parent on my own and totally understand where you are coming from as far as needing a steady, reliable income and/or help with the children.  Sounds like right now, you are getting a bit of that.  It would be really scary, overwhelming to contemplate taking care of four on your own.

If the girls were a little bit older it wouldn't be as big of a deal. My youngest is 5 and my oldest is 13. They aren't old enough to stay by themselves just yet. Frankly, being with them by myself is easier than being with them when he is around. If I didn't have to work, there wouldn't be an issue at all.

[SickofMe]

If the girls were a little bit older it wouldn't be as big of a deal. My youngest is 5 and my oldest is 13. They aren't old enough to stay by themselves just yet. Frankly, being with them by myself is easier than being with them when he is around. If I didn't have to work, there wouldn't be an issue at all.

It'll happen, and you'll get there.

I was financially dependent on my ex-H when my kids were very young.  I kinda did what you're doing, slowly made a plan, tried to get him to leave (he wouldn't), and eventually got a full-time job in my profession.  It was SCARY--and he bailed, moved out of state but provides $.  And, it is hard--sometimes really hard.

Two weekends ago he came to town and I let him stay in my house with the kids while I went on a weekend trip.  We spent more time together than we had since 2006.  I felt completely slimed afterward, made me remember how horrible it was having him in my orbit, polluting my mental/emotional/physical space.  I can't believe I ever lived like that (he is very, very disordered--diagnosed NPD, but I think ASPD).  I wonder if bc you've been with yours so long, you've acclimated to feeling awful.

I hope someday you will feel the freedom that comes with detachment.  It's like being able to breathe again, after holding your breath for years.

[vortex of confusion]

It'll happen, and you'll get there.

I was financially dependent on my ex-H when my kids were very young.  I kinda did what you're doing, slowly made a plan, tried to get him to leave (he wouldn't), and eventually got a full-time job in my profession.  It was SCARY--and he bailed, moved out of state but provides $.  And, it is hard--sometimes really hard.

Two weekends ago he came to town and I let him stay in my house with the kids while I went on a weekend trip.  We spent more time together than we had since 2006.  I felt completely slimed afterward, made me remember how horrible it was having him in my orbit, polluting my mental/emotional/physical space.  I can't believe I ever lived like that (he is very, very disordered--diagnosed NPD, but I think ASPD).  I wonder if bc you've been with yours so long, you've acclimated to feeling awful.

I hope someday you will feel the freedom that comes with detachment.  It's like being able to breathe again, after holding your breath for years.

Thank you so much for this!

I want that freedom so bad but I am not willing to do it unless I know that my girls will be provided for. I am certain that I have become acclimated to feeling awful. I have had little bitty tastes of freedom here and there when I am at work or when I am out with other people. It is soo nice when he is NOT around.

[Panda39]

I lived this with my functional alcoholic husband.

Timeline... .

January 2009 began planning to leave.

April 2009 told him I was leaving and our son was coming with me.

May 2009 our townhouse went on the market... .yep during the housing bubble explosion... .we were upside down.

August 2009 Divorce Final

September 2009 had a buyer... .short sale (these take forever!)

March 2010 closed on the house

Neither my ex or I could leave until the house sold.  So yes I lived with him for over a year after I made the decision to divorce and over 6 months after the divorce was final!

This was a true lesson in patience.

In some ways I was lucky my husband didn't fight me on the divorce or custody and he worked nights and I worked days.  The toughest times for me were Friday evenings through Sunday evenings my ex liked to binge drink on the weekends.  He was never abusive towards our son which I am thankful for but he liked to start arguments with me (my son was an unfortunate witness of the fights and the drunkeness  :'() So by no means was this an easy time for me.

I began to be "busy", grocery shopping, going to the library, 3 mile walks everyday, doing things with my son and my friends, a movie junkie.  I became a moving target.

Truly the way to detach is to do exactly that detach, no longer include your husband in your life.  Be courteous, particularly about the kids but stop including him... .your brother's wedding? should have taken the kids and gone on your own.  You need to live as if you are on your own and living with a roommate.  This also means you take care of your own stuff too.  Your husband is the guy that takes care of your car? Not anymore.  Do you do his laundry? Not anymore.  Roommates... .think roommates.  Is this easy? no, it's painful, it's hard, you will feel guilty but if you want to essentially separate and live in the same house you will have to have boundaries in a big way.  You will also need to explain what is going on to your kids.

You have the added problem of a BPDh that I didn't have so this will probably be harder to about the 10th power, because we both know pwBPD love boundaries.

If you are going to leave you really need to just do it.  Figure it out, ask for help... .friends... .family... .start saving money... .come up with a plan.  Will you go tomorrow no but come up with your plan and work towards your goal.  Continuing to live with your husband is not good for anyone if you have already emotionally checked out.

I also want to give you the epilogue of my story... .

The house sold and I moved down the street so my son would not be uprooted.  He began coming out of his shell... .he lived with a happy mom who modeled a healthy life full of friends, activities, and a peaceful house.

My ex had his 3rd DUI and lost his job, had to cash out his retirement for attorney fees, hit rock bottom and finally got sober and is in his third year of sobriety.  My son is proud of him and he and I are friends.

I met a wonderful man on-line (he has a uBPDxw) that I have been happily with for the last 4 years and my son thinks he's great... .okay he thinks my honey is a little nerdy but whatever 

My leaving to save myself was the catalyst for all of this change.  Divorce is not necessarily a bad thing or bad for the kids sometimes it's the only way to save everyone.

[vortex of confusion]

My leaving to save myself was the catalyst for all of this change.  Divorce is not necessarily a bad thing or bad for the kids sometimes it's the only way to save everyone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

This is what I needed to hear. I am pretty sure that divorce is what it will take to save me and the kids. My H does work and has a full time job so that is one plus. I feel like a friggin' idiot because I am not picking up and leaving right away. I feel like I have been beat down for so long that I have to pick myself up and find my self esteem and my footing before I can take that leap. Ugh!

[Panda39]

Your not an idiot for not leaving right away it all takes planning and help and getting to a place where you feel prepared and ready. You have kids you are responsible for.

I was married almost 20 years about 15 too many   . I played the co-dependent game and the enabling game for a very long time.  I also fell down the hole that is depression.  I started climbing up and had a very dear friend from my past remind me that I was lovable I hadn't felt that way for a very long time, I had newer friends take me by the hand and get me up and out in the world again, my mom who I am not particularly close to assisted me financially, I began taking care of myself and wanted to make a better life for my son and I.  When I took the steps towards a positive change it seems like the people in my life all stepped up to help me.

My brother at one point during my leaving process said "You sure take a long time to make a decision but once you do you sure move fast" 

I also had to push through a lot of fear but when you're ready you will do what you need to do.  My honey is a Star Trek fan and when he was going through is divorce his mantra was "Boldly Go... ."

I say when your ready... .Boldly Go 

[vortex of confusion]

Your not an idiot for not leaving right away it all takes planning and help and getting to a place where you feel prepared and ready. You have kids you are responsible for.

Again, thank you for this. If I didn't have kids, I would have been gone a long, long time ago. When my oldest was around 2, he lost his job due to looking at porn at work. I thought long and hard about leaving him then. I decided not to because he seemed so sorry and he stopped looking at porn and we got pregnant with our second daughter.

I was married almost 20 years about 15 too many   . I played the co-dependent game and the enabling game for a very long time.  I also fell down the hole that is depression.  I started climbing up and had a very dear friend from my past remind me that I was lovable I hadn't felt that way for a very long time, I had newer friends take me by the hand and get me up and out in the world again, my mom who I am not particularly close to assisted me financially, I began taking care of myself and wanted to make a better life for my son and I.  When I took the steps towards a positive change it seems like the people in my life all stepped up to help me.

I have been married 16.5 years and it was probably 16.5 too many. There have been a lot of good things and I am having to have my girls but there were so many red flags early on that I missed or ignored or managed to justify. I definitely want a better life for my girls. Before you got out, did your son have a lot of issues? My oldest daughter has a lot of anxiety and is very perfectionist. She is always afraid of screwing up and she is afraid of what other people think. So much of it is a direct result of her dad nitpicking her at different times.

My brother at one point during my leaving process said "You sure take a long time to make a decision but once you do you sure move fast" 

I figure that is how it will work for me too. I am hell bent on doing things to the best of my ability. Yeah, I have a mean streak and I can talk all kinds of crap but at the end of the day I hate hurting other people.

I also had to push through a lot of fear but when you're ready you will do what you need to do.  My honey is a Star Trek fan and when he was going through is divorce his mantra was "Boldly Go... ."

I am going to have to remember that! The fear is sometimes crushing. I am trying to work through that fear so I can continue to make forward progress. Right now, the thought of going is very scary. But, so is the thought of staying. The thought of spending the rest of my life with my husband makes me ill. I'd rather be alone than spend the rest of my life with him.

[Panda39]

Hi Vortex 

I think I stayed for several reasons but primarily financial. In my mind I could not support my son the way I though I should without my ex's income.  So my son had good daycare, food, clothing, a house, all the things he would need but the trade off was he had to witness his dad drunk, dad passed out, dad arrested for DUI and mom that was co-dependent, enabling and depressed. Both of us arguing 

All of the above happened gradually.  I met my husband when he was in the Navy.  We and our friends were in our 20's and all drinking so I didn't recognize the alcoholism until after we married and he left the Navy. He had his first DUI when my son was 3 months old.  I was actually grateful I actually thought, now he'll get it, now he'll do something about it, now we can be happy... .but no... .when he wasn't able to face the problem and deal with it something inside of me broke.  I had a 3 month old son to care for and I felt that I couldn't ask my family for help, I was an adult, this was my child and my marriage so I had to deal with it... .so I stayed. 

there were so many red flags early on that I missed or ignored or managed to justify.

I relate to this quote too.

The falling apart of my marriage happened slowly parts of me were just chipped away, by little wounds that at first you ignore, then you can "deal with it", then you stuff it, occasionally you fight back and then the fights become more frequent and finally you shut down.

I thought I was doing what was right for my son he had material security and early on there was a social life and some good times.  But as things got worse between his dad and I our whole family became isolated.  By the time my son entered middle school he had become withdrawn, didn't have many friends and was being bullied. 

None of us were functioning properly.  By the time my son started High School I started thinking about what it would be like when he left for college and I could not face being alone with my husband. 

The thought of spending the rest of my life with my husband makes me ill. I'd rather be alone than spend the rest of my life with him.

I unconsciously started climbing out of the depression hole and started taking care of myself... .quit smoking, started making art again, started going out with friends again and reached out to my family... .I'll use the airplane analogy, the plane (marriage) was going down the oxygen mask came down and I put mine on.  Once my life started getting back on track I put my son's oxygen mask on him and his got back on track too.

He is still an introverted person and he like your daughter has some anxiety but having more to do with social situations than perfectionism.  I'm very proud of him, he's going to Community College, has a part-time job (and lots of buddies there), and pushes himself to be "social" at school (talk to girls).  I don't think he has all the confidence that he might have if our family had been healthier but he is doing things to build it up... .progressing. A date is definitely his mission at the moment but he's gotta find someone who's single! 

I encourage you to hang in there. It sounds like you're on the precipice about to step off into new life.  I know you'll figure it out and do what's best for you and your kids.  Will any of it be easy no way!  However the rewards can be truly great for all of you. 

Keep posting maybe see if anyone has strategies regarding BPD and divorce because if your husband is anything like my honey's uBPDxw he will lose is mind and do all kinds crazy stuff.  Dealing with BPD is a whole other aspect to leaving your marriage.  There is a book called "Splitting" about high conflict/BPD divorce that might be helpful for you to read.  Check out the [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody Board for help developing a strategy.  Consult with a divorce lawyer (from what I've read 30min is $50-$100) see what your options are. 

[vortex of confusion]

I think I stayed for several reasons but primarily financial. In my mind I could not support my son the way I though I should without my ex's income.  So my son had good daycare, food, clothing, a house, all the things he would need but the trade off was he had to witness his dad drunk, dad passed out, dad arrested for DUI and mom that was co-dependent, enabling and depressed. Both of us arguing 

Financial is one of my biggest reasons as well. My kids are largely unaware of my husband's problems. The oldest knows that her dad goes to Sex Addiction 12 step meetings. The other kids don't have a clue. All the other kids know is that dad is a grumpy a$$hole.

All of the above happened gradually.  I met my husband when he was in the Navy.  We and our friends were in our 20's and all drinking so I didn't recognize the alcoholism until after we married and he left the Navy. He had his first DUI when my son was 3 months old.  I was actually grateful I actually thought, now he'll get it, now he'll do something about it, now we can be happy... .but no... .when he wasn't able to face the problem and deal with it something inside of me broke.  I had a 3 month old son to care for and I felt that I couldn't ask my family for help, I was an adult, this was my child and my marriage so I had to deal with it... .so I stayed. 

With mine, it was porn. Nobody knew about it. When he lost his job over porn, I swept it under the rug and didn't really tell anybody the whole story. I minimalized it and tried to protect him. More importantly, I was embarassed about it and didn't want to tell anybody. For the first couple of years, porn was a huge issue because there were a lot of times that he would choose to look at porn and take care of himself rather than be with me.

The falling apart of my marriage happened slowly parts of me were just chipped away, by little wounds that at first you ignore, then you can "deal with it", then you stuff it, occasionally you fight back and then the fights become more frequent and finally you shut down.

Oh man, that perfectly describes the progression of things around here. There have been times over the years that we have fought but I usually just shut down because that is what was easier. As long as I was fighting for myself and standing up for myself, there were fights. It feels like the only way to keep the peace is to shut down. I spent some time trying the validation techniques and stuff from the staying boards but that was so unbelievably exhausting. There is no way I can do that forever.

I thought I was doing what was right for my son he had material security and early on there was a social life and some good times.  But as things got worse between his dad and I our whole family became isolated.  By the time my son entered middle school he had become withdrawn, didn't have many friends and was being bullied. 

That is eerily similar to our story. We used to do lots of stuff but not any more.

I unconsciously started climbing out of the depression hole and started taking care of myself... .quit smoking, started making art again, started going out with friends again and reached out to my family... .I'll use the airplane analogy, the plane (marriage) was going down the oxygen mask came down and I put mine on.  Once my life started getting back on track I put my son's oxygen mask on him and his got back on track too.

I have slowly been climbing out. It is taking a lot of time though. I reached out to my dad about a year ago and he gave me the money and the wherewithal to go away for a week to have some time to myself. I have since gotten a job and have been working on my career. That is my top priority. I need to be able to be in a position to financial support us all. I need to get more work experience under my belt.

I encourage you to hang in there. It sounds like you're on the precipice about to step off into new life.  I know you'll figure it out and do what's best for you and your kids.  Will any of it be easy no way!  However the rewards can be truly great for all of you. 

Thank you so much for all of the encouragement. This is what I need. I know it is going to be hard but I feel that it is probably the only way to take my life back and give my kids a better life.

Keep posting maybe see if anyone has strategies regarding BPD and divorce because if your husband is anything like my honey's uBPDxw he will lose is mind and do all kinds crazy stuff.  Dealing with BPD is a whole other aspect to leaving your marriage.  There is a book called "Splitting" about high conflict/BPD divorce that might be helpful for you to read.  Check out the [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody Board for help developing a strategy.  Consult with a divorce lawyer (from what I've read 30min is $50-$100) see what your options are. 

Oddly enough, I don't think my husband will fight it that hard. I foresee him walking away without much fanfare. He acts like he doesn't really care. I brought up the fact that I feel emotionally done and he didn't seem bothered by it. He  said something about the fact that he thinks the kids will be happier and will forget about him once he is gone. It is like he has made up his mind that once he is gone, he will be gone and have little or no contact with us. I am sure that it is his fear of abandonment. Yes, he gets on my nerves and I don't always like him but I have no intentions of taking his kids away from him and never letting him see them. That is not my style. Even though he can be a giant douchebag, I feel like I have made a lot of efforts to help him have a relationship with the kids. I figure that I will be the one to coordinate everything and that I will probably give him more than he wants. He is the perpetual victim and I will just be victimizing him all over again.