Maybe I was

[Deeno02]

Maybe Im the one who did all this. Maybe its me. Second guessing everything. I dont know. Just confused.

[Recooperating]

Dont doubt yourself Deeno!

Yes you were in a rs with a mentally ill person. The question you have to answer for yourself... .Why did you allow it? Its good to own our parts in the rs. But dont beat yourself up! Ive asked myself a 1000 times if Im the one with BPD. Especially with going NC, whats the difference with ST? But I know I am not the BPD one. I have longlasting friendships, jobs. I have no addictions, dont do selfharm, I dont hurt people to meet my needs.

I stayed too long in a dysfunctional rs because his well being was more important then mine. I wanted to rescue him. Codep traits. I always had the best intentions, but I got abused. My kindness was sucked out of me by the leech that he was. Leaving me empty, worthless and a mess. I allowed that, my bad.

I am working on it now. Create healthy boundaries and Im putting my wellbeing first now. I see how I enabled him and I dont plan on doing it ever again. Am I responsible for all this? In some degree I am. But I reacted to his ___ed up actions and BS... .He got out the worst in me. I acknowlegde, work on it and move forward. Being in a rs with a pwBPD is toxic, dont be cruel to yourself. You tried... .

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Yes you had your part in this. Own whatever that was. But the bigger part is shes mentally ill so the pattern was gonna play out like clockwork. Even if you were Jesus Christ she wouldve found a reason to devalue you. Its ok to question this its a key part in healing. Just don't get stuck in these thoughts. Work through them. Otherwise they will just put you I a perpetual loop, a rabbit hole of sorts that will make you start to become mentally unstable yourself.  

The better question is what can you learn from youre part in this? Once you can figure this out you can then balance your yin and her yang to reveal the answers you seek.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

From what I have read even qualified psychiatrists have to undergo therapy when treated those inflicted with BPD.  Be easy on yourself.  Blaming yourself for something like this is another form of self harm.  Accept your part, congratulate yourself and move on.

[Deeno02]

Its hard for me as I accept the blame for everything. Thats why the second guessing. I dont feel like our time was valued and how quickly I was replaced makes me feel responsible. Maybe I didnt buy her lots of stuff, Maybe I didnt spend enough time with her, Maybe I should have taken her on vacation. I thought that maybe a guy who was willing to take on a lady who was a stay at home mom with 5 kids and blend them with my own family would have been enough for starts, but I guess not. Im so confused as to why she couldnt see me. Love, standing in front of her. Thats why all the second guessing.

[camuse]

Does your ex fulfil at least 5 of the BPD criteria? If so, whether they are BPD or not is kinda irrelevant ... .the relationship was 100% hopeless, whatever you did.

[Recooperating]

Honestly Deeno,

Im a woman, I dont need a guy to buy me gifts, take me on expensive trips, shower me with attention and eleborate things. A kind loving respectfull man is all I ask for. Spending time together and supporting each other in life. The best things in life are free.

Next if I feel there is something missing in a rs I would adress it and have a grown up talk about it with my partner. I wouldnt go behind his back, find another guy and dump him. I also wouldnt treat him like crap when he would bring me flowers... .(I remember you did this for her?) I would tell him thank you and would ask him if we could have a grown up talk about the issues.

Deeno you dealt with a mentally ill person, uncapable of dealing with emotions in a mature way. You gave all you have to offer, you didnt do anything wrong. She treated you like crap and she will treat your replacement the exact same way. Be kind to yourself, you deserve a nice honest woman who appreciates you for what you are, not for what she can gain from it!

[Deeno02]

Honestly Deeno,

Im a woman, I dont need a guy to buy me gifts, take me on expensive trips, shower me with attention and eleborate things. A kind loving respectfull man is all I ask for. Spending time together and supporting each other in life. The best things in life are free.

Next if I feel there is something missing in a rs I would adress it and have a grown up talk about it with my partner. I wouldnt go behind his back, find another guy and dump him. I also wouldnt treat him like crap when he would bring me flowers... .(I remember you did this for her?) I would tell him thank you and would ask him if we could have a grown up talk about the issues.

Deeno you dealt with a mentally ill person, uncapable of dealing with emotions in a mature way. You gave all you have to offer, you didnt do anything wrong. She treated you like crap and she will treat your replacement the exact same way. Be kind to yourself, you deserve a nice honest woman who appreciates you for what you are, not for what she can gain from it!

I did try to win her back with flowers and profess my love in front of a bunch of 16 year old girls. That went over like a turd in a punch bowl. Sorry, Im not sure what the hell I really did, but it must be me that aggrevated this.

[Recooperating]

Let me put it like this Deeno,

Trying to make sense or understand a person with a personality disorder is like shoving a bowling ball up your nostrill. Its simply impossible! You didnt do anything wrong! Bringing someone flowers, taking a single mom with her kids in your home is a wonderfull kind thing and she should have counted her blessings with a man like you. Best you snap out of it and see it for what it is! Chaos created by a sick woman! Stop second guessing, it will drive you insane! Trust who you are!

[Deeno02]

Let me put it like this Deeno,

Trying to make sense or understand a person with a personality disorder is like shoving a bowling ball up your nostrill. Its simply impossible! You didnt do anything wrong! Bringing someone flowers, taking a single mom with her kids in your home is a wonderfull kind thing and she should have counted her blessings with a man like you. Best you snap out of it and see it for what it is! Chaos created by a sick woman! Stop second guessing, it will drive you insane! Trust who you are!

I am trying to. I really am. Its so hard to realize that you didnt matter to her and so easily replaced.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Its hard for me as I accept the blame for everything. Thats why the second guessing. I dont feel like our time was valued and how quickly I was replaced makes me feel responsible. Maybe I didnt buy her lots of stuff, Maybe I didnt spend enough time with her, Maybe I should have taken her on vacation. I thought that maybe a guy who was willing to take on a lady who was a stay at home mom with 5 kids and blend them with my own family would have been enough for starts, but I guess not. Im so confused as to why she couldnt see me. Love, standing in front of her. Thats why all the second guessing.

Deeno I am sorry you are having a low moment.  I always find your posts to be compassionate and strong.  Let me tell you what your brain already knows, but your heart is telling you otherwise right now.  You are a good man.  You cared.  You fought.  You loved.  You are grieving.  You are hurting.  You know that these questions laced with doubt are bound to happen.

You were invested in a partner that was disordered.  We all play some role in this web.  I was an enabler, a fixer, a "do gooder."  I knew something wasn't right so I tried to combat that by loving more.  Doing more.  Trying harder.  Nearing the end of my relationship, I was carrying 90% of the load.  You say that maybe since you were a guy willing to take on her and her 5 kids that would have been enough.  (I took on a girl that didn't have a pot to pee in, had $0 to her name, and loads of debt) It wasn't enough.  You question whether you bought her enough?  (I bought flowers, books, dinner dates, cards, paid bills) It wasn't enough.  You question whether you spent enough time with her?  (I spent 75-80% of my time with her outside of work) It wasn't enough.  My ex stated she had never been to Disney world.  She's lived in FL most of her life.  This baffled me and saddened me.  So what do I do?  (This past valentines day I set up a surprise vacation and took her to Disney world.  Spoiled her while she was there.  Reserved a 5 star hotel with a Jacuzzi tub.  I lined the tub with candles and took her out to dinner.  She didn't have to drop a dime) It.wasn't.enough.

I would have given her the moon if I could have.  It wasn't enough.  There is nothing tangible we can give them, nor emotional we can give them, that will cast their monsters aside.  They are battling a fight from within.  We can't give them what they desire because it comes from within.  The more we give the harder they pull. 

I know it is such a hard concept to grasp because to us, anyone would be more than happy  to have a partner willing to give their all.  Read some of your old posts.  Re visit your emotions.  Hopefully it will help.  The only thing you are to blame for, what all of us are to blame for in one way or another, is allowing ourselves to neglect ourselves.  It is ok to be empathetic and supportive of someone, but it isn't ok to jeopardize our self worth.

[Deeno02]

Sometimes the pity train hits AoC. Im on it now. While I am getting better, sometimes I take 4 steps forward, then 2 steps back with maybe I didnt do enough. Maybe I did to much. Maybe she didnt give 2 craps and I was the confience builder till as she said while breaking up with me, "I finally Know what I want". I dont know. Today my head is swimning with doubt.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Sometimes the pity train hits AoC. Im on it now. While I am getting better, sometimes I take 4 steps forward, then 2 steps back with maybe I didnt do enough. Maybe I did to much. Maybe she didnt give 2 craps and I was the confience builder till as she said while breaking up with me, "I finally Know what I want". I dont know. Today my head is swimning with doubt.

Completely understand my friend.  2 steps forward, 4 steps back... .couldn't have said it better myself.  We are rebuilding day to day.  Just remember their way of moving on and replacing is a part of how they cope.  They chase the fantasy.  Like our fairy tales, eventually the dark cloud will loom over the "replacements" world. 

We become pawns in a vicious cycle.  It is mind boggling to us because we made them the center of our world.  They are the center of their own world.  We are constantly trying to figure out where we fit in.

[camuse]

I think in 6 months time you will feel a bit silly for thinking like this.

[Deeno02]

I think in 6 months time you will feel a bit silly for thinking like this.

I know camuse, I know... .

[camuse]

It's good to work through all this doubt, most of us have done it.

Eventually you realise that a relationship with someone with this disorder, or many symptoms of it, is simply not possible. There is nothing you can do - get too close, boom. Too distant, you are toast. And the line in the middle changes constantly. Oh and changing to follow the line is no good - they never forgive when you are on the wrong side.

Work through your thoughts until you realise this. Then accept it. Then you can move on. But it may take some time. Even when you know this for real, it may take time for you to FEEL is as a truth.

It's ok and normal, many of us have been there.

[vortex of confusion]

I am trying to. I really am. Its so hard to realize that you didnt matter to her and so easily replaced.

Sending you a great big hug! 

I have had this thought a million times and it is so painful. I have to tell myself that I did matter. I just did matter to him like he mattered to me. He was/is incapable of caring about anybody or anything the way that I have cared about him. You mattered to her, just not like you wanted to. It is so hard for us to wrap our minds around how they can throw people away at will.

[Deeno02]

I am trying to. I really am. Its so hard to realize that you didnt matter to her and so easily replaced.

Sending you a great big hug! 

I have had this thought a million times and it is so painful. I have to tell myself that I did matter. I just did matter to him like he mattered to me. He was/is incapable of caring about anybody or anything the way that I have cared about him. You mattered to her, just not like you wanted to. It is so hard for us to wrap our minds around how they can throw people away at will.

Just the hardest thing for me. Thats why I have doubts. I must have done something to cause her to throw me away like a used kleenex. Im not sure, but its scarred me badly.

[vortex of confusion]

Just the hardest thing for me. Thats why I have doubts. I must have done something to cause her to throw me away like a used kleenex. Im not sure, but its scarred me badly.

Maybe you did and maybe you didn't do something to cause this. My guess is that if you did something there is no way of knowing what it was. My husband will get made over stuff and I have no friggin' idea what the heck it even was.

I bet most of us on here feel the same way or have had similar feelings. How can they throw people away so easily? I don't think anybody can answer that. It is the nature of the beast I suppose. It doesn't make it any easier. In order to feel better, it helps to not take it personally. Not taking it personally is so unbelievably difficult.

[Deeno02]

Just the hardest thing for me. Thats why I have doubts. I must have done something to cause her to throw me away like a used kleenex. Im not sure, but its scarred me badly.

Maybe you did and maybe you didn't do something to cause this. My guess is that if you did something there is no way of knowing what it was. My husband will get made over stuff and I have no friggin' idea what the heck it even was.

I bet most of us on here feel the same way or have had similar feelings. How can they throw people away so easily? I don't think anybody can answer that. It is the nature of the beast I suppose. It doesn't make it any easier. In order to feel better, it helps to not take it personally. Not taking it personally is so unbelievably difficult.

For sure. It is difficult. It not only affected us, but our children. She threw my kids aside with me as well. I never got to say goodbye to her kids. God knows what they were told.

[Perfidy]

Correct me if I'm wrong. BPD isn't mental illness? More along the lines of flawed personality?

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I am trying to. I really am. Its so hard to realize that you didnt matter to her and so easily replaced.

Sending you a great big hug! 

I have had this thought a million times and it is so painful. I have to tell myself that I did matter. I just did matter to him like he mattered to me. He was/is incapable of caring about anybody or anything the way that I have cared about him. You mattered to her, just not like you wanted to. It is so hard for us to wrap our minds around how they can throw people away at will.

Think this is one of my biggest struggles.  Now that I am educating myself about the disorder it has given me some clarity but GEEZE.  Initially I just remember thinking over and over... .what just happened?  What did I do wrong?  I did everything right!  I gave 150%.  I listened.  I cared.  Accepting the fact that she didn't love me like I loved her is a jagged little pill to swallow.  I felt so safe and secure.  Irony at its finest right there.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Correct me if I'm wrong. BPD isn't mental illness? More along the lines of flawed personality?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In 1980, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Third Edition (DSM-III) listed BPD as a diagnosable illness for the first time. Most psychiatrists and other mental health professionals use the DSM to diagnose mental illnesses.

SOURCE: www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

[Perfidy]

Interesting. The reason I asked is that I personally know three professionals in the mental health field that corrected me when I talked about BPD as a mental illness. On many different occasions with different people they all said the same thing. They also were in agreement that a BPD sufferer is difficult to treat and that special training is given to deal with BPD. Sorry, off topic.

[Recooperating]

Interesting. The reason I asked is that I personally know three professionals in the mental health field that corrected me when I talked about BPD as a mental illness. On many different occasions with different people they all said the same thing. They also were in agreement that a BPD sufferer is difficult to treat and that special training is given to deal with BPD. Sorry, off topic.

It is an official mental illness but the other parts you stated are true. A lot of p's dread BPD's.