The Quiet Type

[spemat]

I was raised by the nastier type but I have befriended a couple of the quieter types and the anger came from a place of exhaustion and fatigue.  I found that they made me fear for them because their abuse was self oriented and they weren't like my relatives at all but I found myself unable to deal with them after awhile because I legitimately tried to help and suggest self empowerment and although I was firm and stood my ground, I either wasn't offering the right help to them or they pushed me away because I was able to help them in a way they were incapable of seeing.

I ended up feeling used because I was sort of flung out of the vortex one day for no reason at all and I found that "can't do anything well enough" with that type too.  After awhile, I felt like they were just being dramatic and manipulating me but it wasn't the loud, beatdown breed and most fall in between and I know that but this type will make you feel the same way in a different way but also the pity factor makes you feel bad after for awhile too.  I can obviously rationalize avoiding the other type but I find that with many, who don't improve much (often those in the extreme ends) it can make you feel as angry but not for the same reasons at all.

[clljhns]

Hi spemat,

I often find that I am confronted with people who share attributes of my FOO or their own issues are a reflection of my hidden issues. I can tell you that I befriended many a person who had traits of BPD, which usually came out in the form of total obedience to them or raging anger. Part of this was trying to "fix" what was broken in my FOO relationships and what I needed to address within me. I eventually came to understand this and then made better decisions about my friendships. I also learned to create firm boundaries, boundaries that were completely impassable. This meant letting go of relationships which were unhealthy and fraught with conflict. It has made my life much more peaceful.

Do you see any parallels between your friendships and you FOO relationships? Is it possible that your FOO has "set you up" for co-dependency. From your description of your friendships, it sounds as if you are attempting to rescue them from their problems.

One thing also that I have learned is that people are exactly where they want to be in their dysfunction. If they wanted something different, they would actively pursue it.

Just some thoughts. What do you think?

Peace and blessings.