Journal Entry on What I Want/Need

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was going through my journals and came across an entry from about 6 months ago. I have been reading it and re-reading it as a bit of a reality check. I thought I would share it here.

What I Need!

-Help around the house.

-To be treated with respect.

-To feel heard.

-To feel valued.

-To live in an environment free of fear.

-To feel physically and emotionally safe.

-To be able to have a say in the physical parts of the relationship.

-To live in an environment where sex is not the focus.

-To be able to do things to feed my soul.

-To live manipulation free. I do not want people manipulating me and I do not want to feel like manipulation is the only way to get my needs met.

-To feel like I am in control of my body. Nobody owns me.

-To STOP talking about the relationship.

-To STOP being pressured to give answers that I don't have.

-To be able to have money to spend on improving our diets and other home improvement projects.

-To be valued as a person rather than a sex object.

-To stop talking about alternative lifestyle choices. It is all a bunch of crap. I don't a bunch of labels or set of rules to be able to treat others with dignity and respect.

-To focus on the practical aspects of life. Fantasy is fun but it bears no resemblance to reality.

-To trust, not just others, but myself.

-To be able to be honest without fear of retaliation or somebody getting hurt (physically or emotionally).

-To believe that I am loved because of loving actions rather than words. Being told "I love you" all the time does not make me feel loved. I feel loved when people take the time to talk to me in a meaningful manner and show concern for my well being.

-To be able to relish the good in the relationship without this push to invalidate the entire relationship. Most things are good and bad. Stop focusing on one to the exclusion of all else.

-To feel like I have a coparent rather than an adult child that gets into power struggles with me and the kids.

-To be able to own the fact that I feel things are over. I don't know how I can get past so many hurts.

I wrote this list well before I found this forum or ever heard of BPD. Reviewing this list is reminding me of why I want to leave. I don't think it is possible for me to get these things while in a relationship with my husband.

[vortex of confusion]

I was going through my journals and came across an entry from about 6 months ago. I have been reading it and re-reading it as a bit of a reality check. I thought I would share it here.

What I Need!

-Help around the house.

-To be treated with respect.

-To feel heard.

-To feel valued.

-To live in an environment free of fear.

-To feel physically and emotionally safe.

-To be able to have a say in the physical parts of the relationship.

-To live in an environment where sex is not the focus.

-To be able to do things to feed my soul.

-To live manipulation free. I do not want people manipulating me and I do not want to feel like manipulation is the only way to get my needs met.

-To feel like I am in control of my body. Nobody owns me.

-To STOP talking about the relationship.

-To STOP being pressured to give answers that I don't have.

-To be able to have money to spend on improving our diets and other home improvement projects.

-To be valued as a person rather than a sex object.

-To stop talking about alternative lifestyle choices. It is all a bunch of crap. I don't a bunch of labels or set of rules to be able to treat others with dignity and respect.

-To focus on the practical aspects of life. Fantasy is fun but it bears no resemblance to reality.

-To trust, not just others, but myself.

-To be able to be honest without fear of retaliation or somebody getting hurt (physically or emotionally).

-To believe that I am loved because of loving actions rather than words. Being told "I love you" all the time does not make me feel loved. I feel loved when people take the time to talk to me in a meaningful manner and show concern for my well being.

-To be able to relish the good in the relationship without this push to invalidate the entire relationship. Most things are good and bad. Stop focusing on one to the exclusion of all else.

-To feel like I have a coparent rather than an adult child that gets into power struggles with me and the kids.

-To be able to own the fact that I feel things are over. I don't know how I can get past so many hurts.

I wrote this list well before I found this forum or ever heard of BPD. Reviewing this list is reminding me of why I want to leave. I don't think it is possible for me to get these things while in a relationship with my husband.