Is he starting to see his 'splitting' for himself?

[wakingfirst]

My pwBPD said something today that made me wonder if he is starting to see his own splitting behavior.  I'd really like to know what you all think!

My pwBPD is an ex with whom I'm still close.  He lives a ways away so we use phone & email to talk.  A few months back he asked me to talk to him about why his life is such a mess, why his relationships always end badly (including ours).  I knew about BPD because the husband of a friend has it, so I'd done some reading on it.  I told my ex all about it.  He recognized himself in some of what I said; told me he was going to look into it himself.  And then, of course, did nothing.  But for a couple months after he was constantly phoning me and writing me to tell me stuff I'd never known - really tough stuff about his childhood, etc.  I thought I knew everything about him, but there was a whole other layer of hurt there and suddenly he couldn't stop talking about it to me.

Well, inevitably, he split black on me; after 3 months, suddenly told me I was emotionally aggressive and had FORCED him to talk about all this difficult stuff.  Instead of following our usual pattern of massive argument, this time I just calmly told him I was taking some time off from dealing with him.  That was really hard for me to do, but it seems to have worked.  We're talking again now and both of us are calm.  Talking about the issue seemed hard for us both, so I asked could I write to him about it.  He agreed.  In my letter I explained to him what "splitting" is, and how I'm going to take a step back from him when I see him getting ready to devalue me again.  I was very gentle - told him this wasn't his fault, and that this was not me abandoning him, that I loved him but needed to start protecting myself. 

He wrote back first to say thank you for the care I'd taken with the letter and for my honesty.  He told me he loved me.  Then today, he sent me a quick message saying "Even when we don't like each other we can still love each other.  The love is more important."  I sent him a really quick acknowledgement, a "thank you and I love you", and he wrote straight back (his tone normal, friendly) and repeated himself, saying, "The phrase that keeps running through my mind is that I can love you even when I don't like you." 

Isn't 'loving me when he doesn't like me' exactly what he is NOT doing when he devalues me?  Does it sound like, maybe, he is starting to get a bit of an insight into his splitting behavior?  I'm not an idiot; I know he will devalue me again and I'll have to deal with it again.  But I think maybe a very small light bulb has lit up in his head... .is that possible or am I grasping at straws?  What do you all think?

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[maxsterling]

Interesting.  it sounds to me like he is doing some self evaluation and reflection.  That's good.  My fiancé definitely seems to be aware of her splitting behaviors.  She describes it similarly - that she always loves me, just that sometimes she can't stand being around me.  I suppose I can understand and relate on a lower level, but the complete vitriolic language when she is angry is tough to rationalize in that context.  I think this is describing a core issue for pwBPD, their emotions are just so intense that love=hate at times, and love and hate can coexist at the same time. 

What scares me is that I can see her very self aware of her splitting and self destructive behavior, yet can't seem to do anything about it.   

[Rapt Reader]

But for a couple months after he was constantly phoning me and writing me to tell me stuff I'd never known - really tough stuff about his childhood, etc.  I thought I knew everything about him, but there was a whole other layer of hurt there and suddenly he couldn't stop talking about it to me.

Well, inevitably, he split black on me;

This is interesting to me... .When my adult (37) son came home from the 21-Day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program, where he was finally diagnosed and treated for BPD, he was effusive with all the insights he had learned about himself. He spent a long time telling me all of his deep, dark secrets and the reasons for his troubles, and what BPD meant and how it affected his mind, emotions and behaviors. After many, many hours of this animation from him, he said to me before he went to sleep: "Oh yeah... .Tomorrow I will probably be very grouchy with you, and be angry at you, and be very depressed and upset that I told you all of this, even though tonight I'm happy and relieved about it. I don't know why, but that is how it works... .But now that I know it, I'll try to get over it as quickly as I can."

And you know what? He was right! The next few days were just like that with him, like he was a whole different person, and I couldn't believe the difference in him--he was like a whole other person (well, back to being the person he'd been before going to the DDx Program). Luckily, he did pull out of that depressive funk he'd gotten into, after those few days, and with his continued treatments (Out-Patient, Psychiatrist, Neurofeedback Therapist) he is in recovery and this doesn't happen anymore. Ever. He can tell me anything, and he's Okay with it. It's very cool 

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw sees it. She knows what BPD is and everything. She has talked to me about it. She has told me everything (she says) happened in her childhood. Yet, despite her knowledge, she still splits and rages and everything else just about associated with it.

She went to an inpatient program back in 2011 where she was diagnosed with BPD. She was in house for about a week and then was supposed to continue the program once out. She came home totally aware of what has happened. She said and did all the right things for a few weeks. She kept a journal. She took her meds. She finally got rid of a few friends and told her other friends she needed to concentrate on her family. She was on fire! People kept telling her to calm down and not get too high because eventually she was going to come back down and have to face the same problems she faced before. It only lasted a few weeks. She eventually relapsed (that's what we call it). When she came home she told me she was so thankful for me and how good I have been to her over the years despite what she put me through. She gave me and our kids her full attention. It was awesome. I thought a miracle had happened and I had my dream girl back. WRONG! It progressively got worse (I didn't think it was possible) from that point forward.

What sucks is when I used to bring this up, she would say she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I had her journals for a while after she left and I don't believe her for a second when she says that based on what she wrote in her journals. She was really working it out and was aware. In fact, she used that word, "I am aware now."

I paid for her to enter a DBT program and it is EXPENSIVE. She just used it for her on purposes, as always. She would tell me her therapist said this and that and told her she could do this and that and I knew it was bull. She also wouldn't go to group where the real work is done. She just wanted to go and complain.

Now, she sees it. She occasionally admits everything but the very next day she can be right back to being ridiculous for no reason, I see, whatsoever. I can be god one day and the devil the next. Literally. What it boils down to is she wants both worlds she has created. She wants me to be her husband, best friend, supporter, and a father to her children but she also wants to come and go as she pleases with whomever she pleases without regard for what it means to us. It is very confusing and painful.

[waverider]

A pwBPD can be very insightful when carefully lead. However the emotion of the moment will overrule. This is why they cant stop the behavior when it happens. Delusion, denial is their way of protecting themselves from the reality of not being able to help themselves, which would lead to a sense of hopelessness and depression.

Denial is a survival tool. Insight is hiding under this and can only be teased out when there is no perception of threat.

[Jessica84]

Agreed that BPDs can be very insightful, but once something hits them it seems to take on a life of its own.

I never could figure out how to put the pin back in the grenade at those times. Once the pin came loose, it popped off fast and... boom! I remember feeling stunned like a deer caught in headlights at how 10 seconds ago we were laughing and having fun. Then all of a sudden he's shouting and arguing.

The first time it happened I laughed thinking he was just play-fighting. He couldn't be serious... .right? Um, I learned pretty quick that laughing was not the right response, . So I sat there half-paralyzed when I realized he was not kidding, he was boiling mad for real... in mere seconds. Also, trying to hug him in that state never worked, could even be dangerous, more like hugging a dragon.

I also tried waiting it out at first, thinking surely he'll get over it in a few minutes... .but it would usually take a whole day, or sometimes days, before he was calm/rational again. It took a few of these incidents before I saw the pattern. Once I did, I simply left when it happened. I didn't know how to defuse the bomb, so if one went off, I knew there was no waiting for things to calm down. They wouldn't. I also knew I'd get bombarded with crazy texts before I even made it home. Those could be exhuasting hours of hurtful words, back and forth, me re-reading them over and over in disbelief. I finally stopped engaging... answering with I'm home now. Going to bed. Have a good night.

He'd usually paint me white again once the air was clear (in his own head at least), but I was still covered in dust and schrapmel! 

Why is it they can go from calm and loving to angry and hating at such lightning speed... .but not the other way around?

[waverider]

Why is it they can go from calm and loving to angry and hating at such lightning speed... .but not the other way around?

Many can do it the other way around, the problem is after you have been on the receiving end of a barrage, you are not as fast "getting over it" and will be accused of holding childish grudges.

As far as sudden explosions are concerned you need to have a finally tuned radar, and know where your nearest bomb shelter is, and know just when to firmly disengage. With the rapid fire texts and calls when you are leaving, I just turned my phone off after sending a text advising that I will be doing so until the morning. Do not read any texts that are sent during that period. Start afresh in the morning.

[Jessica84]

With the rapid fire texts and calls when you are leaving, I just turned my phone off after sending a text advising that I will be doing so until the morning. Do not read any texts that are sent during that period. Start afresh in the morning.

So do you delete the texts without reading them at all? Or sleep on it first and read them the next day? The things he says in anger he usually regrets the next day, so I wonder how he'd feel if I told him I deleted without reading? Relieved? or maybe angry?

Helps to know they don't do this splitting thing on purpose. I can appreciate the self-awareness in those who admit they do it, even if they can't control it. I've read so much on here about some who can't acknowledge anything is their fault.

[waverider]

Dont read them, as you say he will regret them. They re the mood of the moment. They will upset you, you will read more into them than you should, it is harder to let the written word go as it is words in the moment. They will taint your attitude next time you speak. If your bring them up they will be out of sync with his mood and could trigger it all again.

Impulsive texting with a pwBPD is a major cause of drama, as you will experience on this forum

[Jessica84]

Dont read them, as you say he will regret them. They re the mood of the moment. They will upset you, you will read more into them than you should, it is harder to let the written word go as it is words in the moment. They will taint your attitude next time you speak. If your bring them up they will be out of sync with his mood and could trigger it all again.

Impulsive texting with a pwBPD is a major cause of drama, as you will experience on this forum

Fascinating. And great advice! His words are based on a temporary emotion. I suppose it's the same with not getting caught up in his spoken words too. Delete, delete, delete. Love it. Thank you!

[wakingfirst]

My pwBPD often doesn't remember what he said when he was devaluing me - unless he's lying, but I don't think so.  He seems honestly confused when I repeat his words back to him.  His recollection is always that I was angry with him first; no matter how obviously untrue that is, it's what he feels to be true.

Before he gets angry at me, he gets depressed - self-pitying, contrary, full of hurt.  I only realized that recently; is it common?  That's clearly the time to get away from him - before it gets nasty and personal.  Tough, though, to turn my back when I can see he's hurting.  It feels like I'm kicking him when he's down.  I'm working on this.

Just to say, very moved by everyone's posts, they make me feel much less alone.  Wishing you all strength and calm.

[Jessica84]

I know what you mean, Wakingfirst. The story often became that I was the one who got angry first. So not true. I got angry -- eventually, after what I perceived as him playing mind games. I didn't know about BPD. He seemed to remember things so differently, as you say, "honestly confused". One thing I learned was that pointing out the actual facts to him, as they happened in order, made him feel lousy. So I won, and he lost. Then I felt lousy. No victory in that. Instead of having to be "right", now I try to pay more attention to his feelings. Hard to do when they change so rapidly, like following a bouncing ball all over the place. But there are patterns.

Someone here said there is some order to this disorder. That rings true. Everyone is different but sounds like you know his patterns pretty well. Giving him space and protecting yourself isn't kicking him while he's done. I'm sure you'll be there for him if he needs you.

[waverider]

What you are dealing with is projection. He has anger. To not be alone he baits you to provoke your anger. You are now both involved, he is not the odd one anymore, anger has been normalized as acceptable behavior (as you are now no better) he has projected the anger onto you, he now switches to victim mode and convinces himself you started it. You feel set up, a sense of injustice. You escalate, say things reactively that you will regret, storm off slamming the door etc, taking the anger with you. This validates to him you are to blame and are acting selfish and childish (this is what he remembers the next day).

This is soothing by projection.

Sometimes this is topped off by the pwBPD contacting a third party, portraying you as persecutor and using third party as rescuer. This sets up bad blood between the third party and yourself. This is the germination of the triangulation seed.

Dont argue with a pwBPD, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.