Do you show compassion toward the BPs in your life?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I read an article today that says we are to show compassion towards those who attack us. It stated that setting "boundaries are a harsh response to a harsh attack, making them one-in-the same." It went on to say that [we] should bless them because it is simple, silent, and easy as it is the wisest response [we] can have.

Should we send them a blessing and use compassion as our response when they are at the height of berating us? When they  make us feel so low that all seems lost? Seems a little easier said than done. Thoughts?

[FreedomReigns]

I read an article today that says we are to show compassion towards those who attack us. It stated that setting "boundaries are a harsh response to a harsh attack, making them one-in-the same." It went on to say that [we] should bless them because it is simple, silent, and easy as it is the wisest response [we] can have.

Should we send them a blessing and use compassion as our response when they are at the height of berating us? When they  make us feel so low that all seems lost? Seems a little easier said than done. Thoughts?

[Louise7777]

I show compassion by not behaving towards them in the same vicious way. ;-)

I dont think establishing boundaries is the same as attacking somebody, as the author seems to imply.

Could you elaborate on who the author is? Sounds like some Christian author, new-born style to me. Or maybe an uPD himself (maybe an uNPD trying to portray a nice façade).

[FreedomReigns]

Could you elaborate on who the author is?

Actually, it was an article from California Psychics. I get daily emails from them, not because I utilize psychics. I just like some of the articles they post. This one, however, had me thinking and questioning.

[Harri]

Everytime I hear or read advice like that offered in the article, I assume the author has never had to deal with a pwBPD in a close personal relationship.  If it turns out they are in fact in a personal relationship with them and they say that, I assume they are living a lie or have some serious issues of their own.   

[pessim-optimist]

Hello FreedomReigns,

Why not choose to show compassion to the BPs in our lives WHILE upholding our boundaries?

Those two aren't in opposition to each other... .

Compassionate understanding of the person's disorder doesn't mean I am obligated to let them abuse me. I may understand what drives their behavior, and may feel for them in their pain.

As a result, I will not hold grudges when hanging up the phone or walking away or doing whatever I need to do to keep myself safe.

[Turkish]

That sounds like martyrdom to me. That being said, there is nothing wrong with blessing and forgivness on the inside if it gives us peace rather than ruminating or seething in anger.

Though my mom hasn't gone "witch" on me in 25 years since I moved out,.she is still who she is, emotionally fragile, and ready to flee when triggered... I saw the traits again, having not seen them for 20 years, when she was spending time with me in my house with my uBPDx. In truth, I triggered her a few times.

While bemoaning my story to my T this past year, he told me twice, "sometimes the strong are chosen to protect the weak." My mom doesn't have the narcissistic traits that my ex has, but it got me thinking. Boundaries are fine, they protect me. But compassion isn't wrong, it's me exhibiting a form of love (patience and kindness). I have the ability to exhibit those traits, even if sometimes I don't want to. I take ownership and I choose to, though not always because I am human. I'm not disordered, however.

Though I may sometimes vent here, or to friends, what I do does reduce conflict overall, and gives me more peace than how I imagine it could be otherwise. Though we all have in common those with BPD or NPD traits, each of us are individuals, however, with different stories, so your mileage may vary.

[pessim-optimist]

Though we all have in common those with BPD or NPD traits, each of us are individuals, however, with different stories, so your mileage may vary.

That's a good point, Turkish.

If we are still too hurt or too angry, that's ok, we aren't obligated to show compassion. That's something we choose to do when we can/want to.

[funfunctional]

ha ha ha

Well I will tell you I tried this one.    I totally took a spiritual approach with my BPD MIL.   She ran me over like a mack truck.   She took all my kindness and the dinner I cooked for her and the cake I bought her and all the hugs and stabbed me in the back.

I learned the hard way the compassion thing doesn't always work.     You can try it?   

Boundaries are important.  Self -protection is important.    Many BPD people look for the soft spots and go right after them.   They FEED on drama. 

Good luck!

[Harri]

The article that prompted this thread was reported to state that "boundaries are a harsh response to a harsh attack, making them one-in-the same." and went on to say "[we] should bless them because it is simple, silent, and easy as it is the wisest response [we] can have."

I haven't been here all that long, but (!)   it seems to me that many of the people on this board have an overdeveloped sense of compassion coupled with an underdeveloped sense/understanding of boundaries none of which are healthy.  That applies to me and is further complicated by the fact that my default is to take all the blame and assume the martyr role.  Everything gets all blurred together and it makes it difficult to tone down the compassion (or in my case martyrdom) and enforce boundaries.  The feelings of guilt and obligation are even stronger for those of us born into such relationships, especially those who had ineffective, passive and/or absent non parents.

I agree that boundaries and compassion are not mutually exclusive. 

But neither are anger/hurt and compassion. 

[Louise7777]

LOL Funfunction! 

"Spiritual approach with uBPD"... .How can you face a tornado with an umbrella? 

I read somewhere in this forum that uBPDs see compassion/ empathy as weakness. Thats why the more empathy, the more "attacked" you will be, it will make you an easy target. The only way possible: boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries.

[enlighten me]

I feel compassion for my exs. It doesnt mean I forgive them or even  like them. It also doesnt mean I will let them mess me around.

[pessim-optimist]

The article that prompted this thread was reported to state that "boundaries are a harsh response to a harsh attack, making them one-in-the same." and went on to say "[we] should bless them because it is simple, silent, and easy as it is the wisest response [we] can have."

Good point/reminder! It's worth stating clearly that equating boundaries with a harsh attack is not only uninformed, but also potentially really harmful to a naive reader.

Furthermore, it is the exact toxic message that many FMs here receive from their family members: "you shouldn't have boundaries, and if you do, you are a mean/bad/selfish person."

There is nothing cruel or harsh about locking my house so thieves don't get in; building a fence, so stray dogs don't pee and poop all over my yard; or saying no, hanging up the phone or avoiding an alcoholic when they are drinking.

I feel compassion for my exs. It doesnt mean I forgive them or even  like them. It also doesnt mean I will let them mess me around.

I read somewhere in this forum that uBPDs see compassion/ empathy as weakness.

Empathy without boundaries is a weakness, because it allows others to exploit the empathetic individual.

Empathy with boundaries allows us to make the all-around best and most balanced decisions.

Boundaries without empathy - that's what may lead to harshness.

But you know what? If you are just starting and are still very angry, and don't have any empathy right now, that's ok. Protect yourself as best as you can. When you heal enough, you will have the luxury to work on empathy among other things.

[funfunctional]

Amen Louise!

You feel my "ha ha ha".    You get it.    Compassion is viewed as weakness to many BPDs cause they are so hell bent on fighting this war against the person they are "fighting" with.    Once you become a target they don't stop and they will do whatever they can to smear the target & hurt the target.    The target's existence makes them sick and typically the target is getting in the way of someone they want to control.   The target is often someone direct and strong that doesn't do the secret stuff and gossip.  Often the target is someone kind and loving.  Someone with a wisdom and maturity and head on shoulders that makes them even MORE sick to see.    Cause deep down they know they are totally a mess.