I don't know what to do

[jmw]

I am sincerely struggling with how to deal with an older sibling (now in her late 30s) who has been diagnosed with BPD.  She also has a diagnosis of schizoaffect disorder.  I could list the terrible things this person has done to me and my other family members, or describe the chaotic environment in which I grew up, but I would be largely repeating the same type of experiences that others have already posted about.  My parents are steadfastly involved in my siblings life, managing almost every aspect of her existence in order to keep her safe and functioning. 

I recently invited my parents to spend 2 weeks at Christmas with my family (I have two children under the age of 3).  They really wanted to come, but insisted that they could not travel without bringing my sister.  They booked her a flight to join them without even consulting me, though they know we do not have a good relationship.  I am deeply concerned about how things will go with her here, particularly because I don't want to expose my kids to her tendencies to fly into a rage or behave inappropriately. 

I am struggling to find a way to do one of the following things: 1) either come clean and tell my parents I don't want my sibling here (they will be furious and deeply hurt) or 2) manage the situation in a healthy way if my sibling does come. 

Though my sibling was very abusive toward me when we were children, I do not physically fear her as I have not been physically attacked by her in many years, and I believe that she won't repeat that behavior.  If anyone has any experience with this type of scenario, I would appreciate hearing from you.  Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi jmw

Dealing with a BPD family member is often quite challenging but since your sister has been officially diagnosed, you at least know what you're dealing with. When it comes to BPD I have experienced that knowledge truly is power.

My parents are steadfastly involved in my siblings life, managing almost every aspect of her existence in order to keep her safe and functioning.  

I recently invited my parents to spend 2 weeks at Christmas with my family (I have two children under the age of 3).  They really wanted to come, but insisted that they could not travel without bringing my sister.  They booked her a flight to join them without even consulting me, though they know we do not have a good relationship.  I am deeply concerned about how things will go with her here, particularly because I don't want to expose my kids to her tendencies to fly into a rage or behave inappropriately.  

I can definitely understand your concerns. I am also concerned about the fact that your parents booked your sister a flight without even consulting you. Have your parents ever done such a thing before? I of course understand that your parents might be worried about your sister, but since it's your house it seems that your parents might have some problems with respecting certain boundaries.

I am struggling to find a way to do one of the following things: 1) either come clean and tell my parents I don't want my sibling here (they will be furious and deeply hurt) or 2) manage the situation in a healthy way if my sibling does come.  

You alone can make this decision but by the way your phrased your first option, I would say it's totally clear that you don't want your sister there. If you would decide to go for option 1 I'd suggest you also try make clear to your parents how you feel about them booking a flight for your sister without even consulting you. It might help for you to read some information about setting and defending boundaries:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries

Though my sibling was very abusive toward me when we were children, I do not physically fear her as I have not been physically attacked by her in many years, and I believe that she won't repeat that behavior.  If anyone has any experience with this type of scenario, I would appreciate hearing from you.  Thanks!

It's good that your sister hasn't physically attacked you in many years. Did anything happen that caused her to stop being physically abusive? Is/was your sister in therapy? I would still advise you to be very cautious though considering your past experiences with her. Especially since you also have your kids to worry about now. Has your sister ever been around your kids before and if so, how did she treat them?

[jmw]

Thanks for your comments Kwamina.  Your response helped me face my true feelings on the subject. I am going to speak with my parents about their decision to bring my sister along without consulting me. In fact, I think the conversation is going to have to be even broader than that.  I will need to address the overall relationship I have with them and try to define some boundaries/values that I intend to live by.  This will not be easy. Its sad to say this, but I hold out no hope that they will understand or be sympathetic.  From their perspective, they have made so many sacrifices for my sister, that I think they feel entitled to expect sacrifices from me and others in our family.  They have good intentions, but they do not have a good sense of boundaries and they are desperate and don't know what to do, I cannot blame them.

To answer your question about violence, my sister has not attacked me or anyone else in my family for many years.  I think this is because the last time she did so, I actually called the police and she was arrested.  I called under the mistaken belief that they would take her to the hospital instead of to jail. Her therapist at the time actually told me that this is what would happen if I ever needed to call for help.  But when the police showed up, they refused to take her to the hospital.  Luckily, we were able to get the charges dropped, but I think my sister holds the memory of being arrested as a possible outcome for reacting with violence.  I think she understands that I will not put up with this behavior and somehow this has gotten through. 

To answer your question about my children, she has only met my daughter once for one day.  She was very good with her.  I think she really likes the idea of being an aunt.  She recently began writing children's stories about my daughter and her own role as "the silly aunty".  I think this is very sweet of her on the one hand. On the other hand, I am very weary of her.  She does have a tendency to engage in typical borderline "splitting" and you just never know when she is going to switch.  I worry about letting my kids get close to her, but at the same time, it feels so mean spirited to shut her out completely.  I guess I just haven't yet figured out how to deal with her.  I can see from reading the posts on this board that I am not alone in that confusion.

Thanks for listening and offering very helpful feedback!