Holding my ground while punished by the silent treatment (again)

[nomoremommyfood]

To make a long story as short as possible, I moved into a one-bedroom studio apartment in July. A few weeks later, my dBPDbf of 8 years was kicked out of his apartment and moved in with his parents in the far-off suburbs. Neither of us have cars. He visits every two weeks and, since July, every visit has come with at least one massive verbal attack. The tight quarters mean I can't leave the room and I can't kick out someone who lives in another county. I end up sitting through hours of increasingly brutal verbal abuse, often late at night, complete with a new arsenal of painful material - my rapid, unexplained weight gain with no help from doctors, my displeasure in my job (a nightmare client is calling non-stop right now), and my best friend's suicide 3 1/2 months ago.

Since the suicide, the "calm voice" and SET techniques are a lot harder. I try to avoid JADE but, when you've allocated every calorie in advance, it's hard not to explain that your 150 calorie ice cream sandwich isn't "binge eating." His reaction to any conflict is "I'm breaking up with you" and I finally told him I was considering it, too. For the past month, he's made huge progress in controlling his emotions and diffusing fights. But two night ago, he blew up at me over a cat toy. I repeated, "I'm not going to have this fight. You and I both agreed I should disengage from fights" while he hurled insults. He woke up in instant fight mode and I couldn't stand it. I kicked him out and we got into a scream-out by phone. I refused to name-call but took a lot (being called "expired milk" was most upsetting). He wants me to take "responsibility for my role" but can't articulate what I did wrong!

Here's my issue: After I spend all day debating ending an 8-year relationship, he's stopped speaking to me. I'm being "punished" with the silent treatment. He know how much it hurts me (God, I wish I'd never told him!) and I suspect it's intended to break me down and give him the upper hand. He executes it whenever he's done something particularly bad and is 100% guilty. Any occasion that would warrant a profuse apology results in psychological warfare. Every time this happens, I get so desperate to speak to him that he escapes any culpability for his actions. I can't do anything until I talk to him and it takes a huge toll on my work, health, and is a massive anxiety trigger. Typically, I'll end up begging him not to break up with me when I've done nothing wrong!

I really want to stand my ground and have a genuine conversation about how things need to change. That's never going to happen when I'm being stonewalled. As usual, I don't know if I should leave him alone or throw the occasional "I'm here when you're ready to talk." I also don't know if I should maybe just consider this "the end." Like every single other fight, he said he wanted to get out of this "forced" relationship, and the silent treatment might be him going NC. Not to mention the fact that someone who would intentionally continue hurting someone they've already wounded is so reprehensible. ":)on't call me when you're having a panic attack because I'm done with you!" is terrifying to hear. In short, things need to change and they're not going to change when one party refuses to communicate. I know there's no way to end the silence but how do I ensure serious issues in our relationship aren't pushed aside? I also don't want to sound desperate, but I'm not sure if breaking up is the answer and I want it to be a mutual discussion. But how do I stop him from just ending things so he can do it before me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

  Typically, I'll end up begging him not to break up with me when I've done nothing wrong!

Can you explain why this is?  Take this time of NC with him to think about this... .

[Grey Kitty]

Every time this happens, I get so desperate to speak to him that he escapes any culpability for his actions. I can't do anything until I talk to him and it takes a huge toll on my work, health, and is a massive anxiety trigger.

 This is really tough on you.

I wish I could give you an easy answer, instead of a hard one.

Try to directly experience this desperate feeling of yours. Try to feel it. Try to be interested in what it really is and where it comes from.

I don't know where that will take you. I'm pretty sure it will be hard to go there, wherever it is, though. I'm also pretty sure that it will be worth it.

[formflier]

 

   

I will follow up what Grey Kitty has said... .and I want to give you some more hope as well.

They are your feelings... .this is you... .so... the good news is this is an area you are in control of... .you are not dependent on anyone else's actions to go there.

This will be worth it... most on this site... .including me... .have had to spend time sorting through our feelings... .our motivations... our wants... our needs... .to be able to center ourselves... .and understand how we need to proceed in our r/s (relationship)

You can do this!

[Wantbetter]

Dear Nomoremommyfood,

    I am very new here but your post really touched me. I too am often treated to the silent treatment by my husband. It is so hard and so painful. In working with my therapist I have learned that I get a lot of my self worth from those around me. Unfortunately my husband, because of his mental illness, has no capacity to uplift my self worth. In fact I have spent 20 years with him, believing I was more and more worthless. I hit rock bottom. Now I am learning to love and take care of myself. I am learning that my husband will say ANYTHING to try to diminish his own emotional pain. I just get in the way of his own self hatred.

    BUT you know what? Realizing this is very empowering! I can do the work to be responsible for how I feel about myself and how I take care of myself! I am working so so hard on this right now.

    And more than anything I wanted to send you a great big cyber hug. I think any of us trying to love someone with BPD deserve all the hugs we can get!

[nomoremommyfood]

Wow, these are some really helpful responses (and thanks for the cyber-hug!)

We haven't officially spoken, yet. After two days of being totally ignored and freaking out about it, I wrote a long text on Thursday essentially saying, "I understand if you don't want to talk right now. No matter what happens, I want things to remain amicable and civil between us and respect the efforts you've made toward getting better. Please just give me some sort of sign so I don't have so much anxiety when you don't respond." He replied, "I'm fine, let's talk about it next week."

... .which is the best possible thing that could have happened. Since working from home and living alone, the silent treatment has given me much worse anxiety. I think this might be partially circumstantial; when you don't see anyone for days at a time, it's way easier to get stuck in your own head, obsessively ruminating. I end up too panicky to get out of bed until it gets to a point where I'll do or say anything just to end the immediate anxiety. I feel 100 times better just because he responded, even if it's still NC. It might have been the "wrong" thing to do but I'd like to at least think that a honest, heartfelt message got through to him. His response gave me a lot of hope. We've had numerous discussions about how the silent treatment causes extreme anxiety and (in moments of clarity), I've told him the smallest "I can't talk right now" message will make a world of difference. The fact that he was mature and caring enough to actually give me a sign helps a lot - even if it doesn't solve the larger problem.

The begging to get back together thing is quite complex... .partially abandonment fears, partially his clear control over me, partially a reaction to his inability to consider any solution that isn't breaking up, partially because I'm afraid of the emotional nightmare of a break-up, partially because of the similarities between this situation and my best friend's death, but hugely because I just want the immediate anxiety to end. Last Tuesday, I made a list of my "grievances" with him and, by the end of it, was calling him hysterically and reaching a dial tone. The saddest grievance being, "And none of this will ever be addressed without it being thrown back in my face."

In fact I have spent 20 years with him, believing I was more and more worthless. I hit rock bottom. Now I am learning to love and take care of myself. I am learning that my husband will say ANYTHING to try to diminish his own emotional pain. I just get in the way of his own self hatred.

I think the silent treatment enforces the worthless feeling, combined with the disappointment of trying so hard to improve things and seeing them fail. The self-hatred thing is terribly familiar - in fact, the verbal attacks often seem to project self-hatred to the point of absurdity. It's ridiculous how someone can spew obviously untrue insults at you, but you still can't help thinking, "maybe he's right... ."

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad you are feeling better!

Great idea writing out a list like that, in as much detail as you need or want. It will help you get a handle on what isn't working in the r/s for you, what hurts you, etc.

Here is the trick. DON'T TELL HIM. Don't send the list to him. Don't put it someplace he'll find it. Don't try to tell him directly about it.

Do spend time thinking about it. Heck, feel free to post the list or parts of it here! We've all been through it!

You may find that it is easy to just avoid the problem for some of them.

You may find that some of them are worth planning a response to.

You may find that some need to be discussed with him.

You may even find a few that aren't that important at all.

  Best wishes and many more cyber-hugs to you!