Is it uBPD or something else such as PTSD, commitment phobia, NPD, selfishness?

[Craydar]

Reading about BPD and realizing that THIS is quite possibly what I've been dealing with over the past year is eye-opening to say the very least. At face value the descriptions I've read seem eerily similar to my experience with my uxBPDgf. However, as I read about the disease and piece together the circumstances that turned my life upside-down, isn't it possible that several BPD traits can be attributed to other issues? I'm not trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt, and I'm certainly not in denial over all of this. I just don't want to drink the kool-aid and fall under something similar to 'medical-student hypochondriasis' I'm just wondering if in some cases if bad life experiences and other conditions can create issues that mimic true BPD. For for example:

1. A push-pull relationship could simply be a commitment phobia brought on by bad past relationships and/or emotional unavailability

2. Fear of abandonment could be PTSD triggered by a former husband leaving her for another woman (which is true in my case)

3. Risk-taking could be a result of occasional binge drinking and blamed on blowing off steam and stress (again, true in my case)

4. A lack of empathy and the fact that she just met a new guy and walked away from me, chalked up as simply immaturity and selfishness?

I did begin to act very needy and clingy when she started playing games. The more she pulled away, the more I pursued. In relationships with healthy people this is reason enough for someone to lose interest, play games, devalue, and discard you. I'm trying to understand if this is my reality and if so, what I need to do to improve myself so it doesn't happen again. So much of this forum is geared towards (for lack of a better term) blaming them for their disease by saying it's them not you. But how can I be sure they have the disease? how can I be sure it was not me? I want to improve myself and make sure this never happens again. And if it is me and not her (or a combination of both of us), I certainly would welcome any insight on how to improve myself and get her back in my life. Over the past 7 weeks nobody has been able to help me with this issue, and it's certainly not for a lack of trying. She's constantly on my mind and I'm haunted by how easily she walked off with another guy after a year with her. I'm obviously still in the phase where I want her back, but I'm not sure I'm healthy enough or educated enough to have her back. Nor do I think I can while she is love bombing another guy.

My initial post was here:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236007.msg12517539#msg12517539

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[Jessica84]

All very good points. I have wondered this myself since my exbf hasn't been diagnosed with it. But I keep coming back to whether or not he has BPD is irrelevant - because he still has all the symptoms of it - emotional immaturity, tantrums, selfishness, impulsive, impatient, self-destructive, fear of intimacy/commitment, rapid mood swings. These add up to a big load of mental and emotional problems, however it is classified.

I still find great use in the tools/lessons on here and apply them as if he has BPD. He has been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety/depression that could be bipolar, but a bit more extreme. He suffered a childhood trauma involving sexual abuse and abandonment issues from losing a parent too soon, also an ex wife who turned lesbian after their divorce. So real life circumstances may have caused his behavior, OR, he may actually have this disorder. Either way, learning better ways to communicate with him has helped a lot. It's helped not only calm the beast he can be sometimes, but calm myself from reacting to him when he gets in one of his moods. The lessons here have helped me catch my balance and not take his words/actions so personally. In some cases, not even reacting, just waiting for the mood to pass. So while it's a great question, I think you will still find the "lessons" on the side of this page very helpful - for both taking care of YOU, and if you should decide to work it out, understanding what it will take to make your relationship with her work.

The best part is, you'll find a lot of your confusion lifted when you read all this board has to offer. At least, I know I did. 

[Craydar]

I agree, it's obvious that everything I experienced screamed BPD with NPD traits but that doesn't help my constant pain about her ditching me for another guy.  I still feel as if it was something I did.

[waverider]

Doesn't matter, there are a lot of crossover issues. What you are dealing with is BPD traits. Often it is not until the untangling is well under way that it can better be defined.

The origins and causes are often confused. A lot of this is because a lot of the histories are delusional, so hard facts are hard to determine.

Many of the tools here are to improving your interaction skills, this applies to any disorder, and in fact with regular interactions also.

The biggest pointer for BPD is rapid triggering and escalation due to situational issues together with a lack of consistency

[SlyQQ]

self harm self loathing poor image are other traits that are normally present in some form apparent complete trust ( though funnily enough quite the oppisite ) other presentations bi polar 2 / hi functioning aspergers or just straight out abandoment issues that all manifest slightly differently

[Craydar]

Thank you for these explanations. I believe that I was dealing with a BPD/npd comorbid. Looking back, there are examples of extremely irrational behaviors followed by justifying the behaviors or flat out denying that they happened. One recent example about a week before I last saw her went as follows: I mentioned on Sunday that I would be away at the beach with friends from Tues-Thurs (the most time I could take off at the end of the summer) on Wed night at 9:00 I receive a text from her saying that she was at a bar and wishes I was there. I was unable to respond as I was out at dinner and was not checking my phone.  Within the hour I received several texts asking where I was, come over, you suck, screw you, expletive... .expletive... .All without response from me. This next day she said she was drunk and acted like nothing happened; but proceeded to ask where I was then.  

The next night I said I was home but out at dinner (with my kids) she then accused me of being on a date. All of this now seems like she was projecting her guilt of love bombing some new guy while devaluing and justifying in her mind the upcoming discarding of me which happened the next week.