Divorce, legal separation + BPD responsibility issues

[HopefulPapaOf2]

My uBPD wife and I had barely any communication over the past month, but in the brief times we did, I mentioned I wanted to reconcile.

Finally, I had a mediator contact her, NOT for the purpose of divorce, but for the purpose of coming to the table together to see what we BOTH wanted going forward.

She never contacted the mediator.

Last week, I appeared in court.

She did not appear, but someone read a letter on her behalf.

Among a bunch of other nasty untrue things that were said, she said: "I will divorce my husband. I will never meet him again"

This wasn't entirely a surprise, but still hit me very hard.

I've been grieving, and it's very difficult.

Oddly (isn't this always the way?), She has not unfriended me on FB (though she removed our "married" status from her page)

She kept her profile pic of her giving a big hug in front of a lake.

The profile pic has a bunch of comments like "I love you" and those are "liked" still

Her Skype picture still exists, and I see her come on and offline from time to time - Her pic there is a picture from our wedding.

The mediator has contacted her again, but she hasn't responded at all to the mediator either.

No papers served, no call from a lawyer from her side, no action at all that I can see.

So first, she publicly went out of her way to say that she'll divorce, but hasn't made any move to do so

(Though it would obviously be very easy to start proceedings now that she's got the mediator's contact)

My wife (looks like many pwBPD have this issue) has a pathological aversion to taking responsibility for her choices.

It seems to me that this is almost the classic case of the extreme passive-aggressive behavior I've seen her exhibit in the past to avoid responsibility.

Shouting: "I'm ending this relationship and marriage" from the mountaintops, and then doing nothing to follow through... .

Is the hope that I'll say: "OK I will initiate divorce then" and then she can say: "See? you abandoned me!" <-- This is my guess, maybe 85% at this time.

Or is it possible the other direction that the whole public shaming thing was a rage outburst, and possibly she's confused about what she wants? <-- I've seen her do that too sometimes

As for me, I think it would be healthiest for me (personally) to have the relationship come to a close (but still somehow create a relationship with my son in the future)

At the same time, she is my wife, and that bond - for me anyway - is a close and lasting bond. (I never throw anyone away - but family is special above and beyond)

She's also the mother of my son, and I'd love for my son to receive the love of 2 parents in his home (new boundary though - she can't abuse me ever again if she agrees to move forward with me)

Thoughts?

[letmeout]

Telling her not to abuse you is like asking a thirsty person to never drink anything liquid again. I doubt she is capable of not acting out with BPD or any other type of abusive behavior.

Is it possible that she wants to take advantage of you financially without having to risk losing anything by going through a divorce?

[catnap]

She will never let you forget that you returned the slap and it will never register with her that she is the real abuser.  Think very very, very hard about the fact that yes you were guilty ONE time, but getting back together with her could very easily lead to another arrest where you did nothing.

Without her willing to commit to long term therapy and a real desire to get better--she won't. 

My suggestion is this:  You need to find a high-conflict family law attorney and discuss the best way to protect yourself.  Depending on where you are, you may have a lot more rights to your soon to be born son than you think. You need to be very proactive and get ahead of whatever game she is playing. 


Book recommendation: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

by Bill Eddy

[ForeverDad]

My ex and I separated when I called 911.  She was later arrested for Threat of DV.  In court she admitted to making death threats but claimed "it's how we argue".  No, it was how she chose to argue.  Due to my state having case law that interpreted the written law to a stricter standard that only "imminent" threats are actionable,

Like you I too was hoping there could be a way to reconcile.  She rebuffed my cautious queries - cautious because we had mutual TPOs against each other.  As I look back, I should have seen that since I could no longer reason with her - by then she hadn't listened to me or my attempts to reason at all for many months and in general for some two years - I should not have delayed filing for divorce.  In my case my ex had chosen to make our preschooler the Golden Child and therefore in her mind I had to be rejected despite our 15 year marriage.  So as we headed into family court she felt she had to make me look worse than her, as the saying goes, by hook or by crook.  So I faced many post-separation allegations to CPS, hospitals, child therapists, police, etc.  Some of her allegations were so serious they could have had me wearing an orange jumpsuit in prison for years.  She even tried to get an Amber Alert declared on me when I took our son on a vacation and when the deputy told her "it didn't meet the criteria of Amber Alert" she then got an investigation started and when it went nowhere she then made official complaints against the investigator.

My point is this:  Deal with WHAT IS, not what you hope for.  If things get better, great.  But if hopes and wishes are your only strategies, then you're sunk.  Though we don't know her nor all your specifics, we can recognize and all-too-common pattern, she may very well be preparing to wage a War and you're not preparing for that.

It's possible the hormonal changes have made her behaviors worse.  But don't count on the relationship getting better after your son is born.  For me it was a "high maintenance" marriage all along but it was AFTER our child was born that it became increasingly impossible.  She caused so much conflict and division that we lost friends and family and I became virtually isolated from support.  So be forewarned, there are no guarantees of a bright future.  Deal with reality, What Is.

One thought, what are the repercussions if you file for divorce versus she files for divorce?  If you file you can present the reality of the recent past.  If she files then you can be sure she will make many wild allegations that will force you to be on the defensive to be a father.

Sadly, courts seem more than willing to default parenting to the mother and let the father open his wallet.  In my case, though my then-spouse had been arrested for Threat of DV (adult behavior) in about 30 minutes she was given temporary custody and majority time (parenting behaviors can be considered separately).  Conversely, it took EIGHT years and huge $$$ of baby step changes to get a reasonable order in place - with me as Legal Guardian and majority time.

After the child is born, you should do DNA tests to prove you are the parent, that's good, leave no doubt you are the Father.

By the way, if you have any charges pending against you, defend yourself vigorously.  Read Bill Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Sadly, if you have a passive defense or even volunteer admissions of guilt, you'll lose.  Despite protests that courts are gender neutral, in practice it's not that way.  Just look at the names of the supposedly gender neutral laws, such as "Violence Against Women Act".  If you have proof that she was abusive, then use it.  Yes, some legal matters have already been dealt with and may put you at a disadvantage but going forward you need to be strategically proactive, not weakly reactive.  If any photos were deleted and you still have the devices, get qualified professionals to see if those deleted files can be retrieved from the drives.