tide turning?

[emancipated]

Hey all im new to the site and have alot of questions and I must admit it is nice to have a place where people don't roll their eyes or look at you with pity when u try to express to them the confounding emotional toll that loving someone sususpected of having BPD... .To try and make a long story shorter I was with my ex for about 2 years and fell absolutely madly in love with her and remember thanking God everyday I found her. There was the love bombing idealization phase in which she completely captivated me.mgradually over time the love bombing stayed but the controlling side camr out... whereas the behaviors i did before she would become upset... in June we had a huge fight and I moved out... we decided as I was carrying out the last box that we didn't want it to end... so we decided look let's take a couple days I'll come by and we can talk and straighten things out ... At the end of the week I couldn't stay where i was at so I went to visit a friend out of town to stay with thinking about wouldn't take much longer and then it continued and I began to see the writing on the wall and I even asked if there was someone else... And she vehemently denied it. Soon enough it was over and was made to be all my fault... Any attempts at recontact have been met with hostility and venom later I found out the news that ripped my heart out there was someone else . a much older man ... and a high ranking official in the military I confronted her about it to which she called about 8 times trying to explain but I didn't answer... Eventually I tried to just get closure and was met with her projecting that he is perfect everything I'm not she would marry him tomorrow if she could each time feeling like she was wielding a razor to my heart and could feel the bleeding... I tried two other times to contact her after periods of nc following guidelines to try and get ur ex back after or during a rebound... after the last time I decided I was gonna attempt to move on... and although nc was easier i couldn't help wondering sometimes more than others would I be attempted at recycled. Yesterday I broke nc to reach out to her about a dog we adopted together ... .she said they still had it but but later I got an email later from the microchip place saying that it was registered to someone else. The part I need help with as opposed to other interactions she began asking me about ... what I'm doing now... new job prospect I told her about in the past... if I had reconciled with my estranged wife ... yes we began as an affair... She hasnt mentioned her new man to me at all although I know they are still together and she had recently moved to the rich side of town ... I still had a key card from our old apartment complex that is gonna charge her if they don't get it back... its long gone though ... I'm beginning to suspect seeing as this timeframe is falling into the time when most relationships encounter their first big problems and the real person comes out... was she trying to hurt me to see if I would beg and plead ... or is this trying for me to be the backup plan heir apparent when if things go south... .any information would be appreciated am I open to a recycle at this point I dont know... i love the kids and although I know at least that a good portion if the girl I loved. I know that somewhere underneath that devil is the wounded Lil girl ... the only thing I would demand is to attend therapy and go with her if needed. Any constructive opinions are greatly appreciated ... thank u

[Samuel S.]

She has deceived you. She has lied to you. She is now with another guy who is finding out now and will find out how horrible of a person she is. While it is not easy at all to be NC after a breakup, she has shown you that she cannot be trusted. You deserve to have a much better life with an honest woman. I know that it is hard, but she is choosing all these behaviors. Also, something else to consider. If she can do it once, she can do it again and again. Again, you deserve better than the chaos she has brought to you! Lastly, everyone is not perfect, although we would love them to be. Let's face it. We nonBPDs are not perfect, either. Nevertheless, you are bound to find someone with whom it will be a better relationship and a much better commitment overall! The best of luck to you!

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello emancipated,

 People with BPD are complicated to say the least.  My own experience has led me to understand better why I am so attracted to a person that operates in a borderline fashion.  My childhood and family has left me with quirks and the company of another scarred person feels very familiar to me.  My therapist told me that it is likely I will be the hapiest with someone who has problems BUT has taken the self work time in therapt to address those problems.

 You said you are undecided about reconcilliation but if therapy was involved you would consider it.  I see nothing wrong here, we love who we love.  You have to be realistic about a pwBPD traits though.  This will always be a r/s that requires great effort.  You will need to build yourself up, become self reliant emotionally because the tides of BPD love are erratic.  If you can handle this and your ex can COMMIT to therapy then you might stand a chance of having a difficult r/s.

 Work on yourself first and foremost.  If the r/s is rekindled or not you will be stronger.  You will need that strength if she comes back.  If not you can take that to someone else.  Either way I think the only healthy route is to work on you and if things grow with the ex natrually so be it.  If they do not you will be fine anyway.

My ex pwBPD has a beautiful soul in there.  She also has a tempest of baggage.  It will take a very strong person to have any chance of sticking with her.

[emancipated]

Reluctant

I feel almost as if we are kindred spirits a lot of what you said resonates with me. The fact remains I don't know what the future will hold... like I was saying I want to be prepared... Because I am aware of my sensitivity and am aware of her manipulative traits ... truth be told I think she will reject therapy and at which time i can realize I did my best I knew before I found out about the old man... I knew she was gonna lie about the dog and to be candid I knew despite all the times she said nothing would break our love I told her that someday I'll do something that u will throw me out and its funny I didn't she had either gas light it or projected it I had mistakes and anytime I had made an error in judgment I owned it even when she didn't tell me she already knew the whole story I was honest and forward almost to the point she told me later she built up to crucify me for lying and then when I was honest she was in disbelief I was a bad man before we met and if anything this experience has made me a better one... but she helped facilitate what 140 women before her couldn't do...