The New You

[bb12]

One of the strangest elements of my recovery from borderline abuse has been getting used to the new me.

I am a different person from the one I was when with my xBPD. Almost 3 years out, I can shake my head at who I was before that break-up. My entire life I was incredibly codependent and very emotionally immature. I was also very lonely - and perhaps chose badly when pairing off because of it.

Looking back, i have little doubt that my break-up caused a breakdown of sorts. I was very physically sensitised - long after learning what had happened on an intellectual level. And my post today is about that physical feeling. For me, I have equated feelings of being anxious, uneasy, blue, melancholy, nervous etc. with my ex or that relationship. But I shouldn't. Having delved very deeply into my FOO, my codependency, my romantic choices, my friendship circle, my career, my relationship with alcohol and food, my relationship with solitude - I have realised that I am a completely different person to the one I was before my borderline.

I believe that any ongoing anxiety or sensitivity is simply me getting use to the new me: to putting myself first, to saying no, to not pleasing, to knowing who I am.

I heard a great quote in a movie the other night: "It didn't happen to you, it happened for you" And I believe this was the case with my narc / Borderline. It truly was a gift. All of it. But if I am going to accept that gift and use it to its full advantage and purpose, then I need to stop associating new levels of consciousness with that experience. I need to stop thinking I am recovering from that abuse and forever linking the new me to that person. So what if I am a little anxious and confused as my emotional default. It's just my cerebral self getting used to finally having a emotional self! It's just me getting used to my new powers!



bb12

[Perfidy]

Bb12. No. You are absolutely not a different person than you were before your borderline. You are the same person. It can be no other way. Letting a borderline define who you are from moment to moment is a false view of your self. My compassion for you is the motivation in responding to your post. Please do not identify your self in this manner. We are who we are and we aren't the product of abuse. Enjoy your new found freedom but it was always yours borderline or no borderline. Our fundamental problem as non is false view of self. That false view is what got us here. Please understand that I want to help you.

[bb12]

Hey Perfidy. All good. I'm ok with tough love. But I stand by what I wrote... for the most part.

I agree with you that I am fundamentally the same person, as regards my soul, personality, interests, passions, career. But without giving the borderline too much significance, I am a changed person in the way I relate to people, choose people, and behave around people. No long self-sacrificing, I have found my voice and put my own needs on par or above anyone else's. If this is what you were alluding to, then we're on the same page. But to deny to change in myself that resulted from being slapped out of my stupour would be delusional.

I have zero interest in fixing and rescuing anymore. I found that many of my friends were also selfish and using, so I shook that whole circle up. I examine my behaviour at all times and understand what is active listening vs. enabling and muting my opinions.

I understand your preference to perhaps not attribute this personal development to a single person or event, and I actually agree with you to a point: this break through was inevitable and it could have been anyone. But it is the change in me as much as the events that brought it about, that I am talking about. The difference in me is like chalk to cheese - so profound was it. Not so much a false view of self, but more a conscious view of what I used to tolerate and what I won't tolerate now.



bb12

[going places]

Bb12. No. You are absolutely not a different person than you were before your borderline. You are the same person. It can be no other way. Letting a borderline define who you are from moment to moment is a false view of your self. My compassion for you is the motivation in responding to your post. Please do not identify your self in this manner. We are who we are and we aren't the product of abuse. Enjoy your new found freedom but it was always yours borderline or no borderline. Our fundamental problem as non is false view of self. That false view is what got us here. Please understand that I want to help you.

Amen

Brilliant post.

It took me a long time to be able to say what has been said above.

There is SO much power in the words we speak.

Speak words of LIFE and HOPE and TRUTH... .

[bb12]

Um, thanks? Will try to speak words of LIFE and HOPE and TRUTH the moment I even know what you're talking about!

Question: so you guys are ok believing that some sort of trauma can create BPD (and change that person from who they were) but that trauma at the hands of a pwBPD cannot have a similar effect on someone else?

[A Dad]

BB, I can complete relate to what you are saying. So much so that I often refer to what "the old me" would have done or thought in a given situation vs. what "the new me" chooses to think or do.

It's not so much that I have become a new person but rather that I have gone back to who I used to be but with a slightly different perspective on everything and that changes everything.

[bb12]

It's not so much that I have become a new person but rather that I have gone back to who I used to be but with a slightly different perspective on everything and that changes everything.

Bingo!

I think you've nailed it A Dad... .and expressed it more eloquently than my initial attempt 

I do feel like the self-belief, and ability to be cheeky and fun have returned. But also that so many new skills or perspectives have emerged... .and you're right: these change everything. I am less phased by other people, which is huge for a codependent who has lived their life trying to be liked and to please. I've worked on all of that (still am) but this added dimension (maturity, observation, patience) has indeed changed my take on most things - especially my own lovability!



bb12

[Perfidy]

Bb12, change, personal growth, healing, whatever one chooses to call it, is from within. When a human being comes into contact with the divinity that is encapsulated by the flesh and mind, anxiety disappears altogether. It disappears because the conditions that cause it are not present, so, anxiety can't form. The body and mind fade with time and the finer consciousness has no beginning or end. Godlike, however, not god. Often, it's said that the only person we can change is ourself. Congratulations on recognizing the change in yourself! You are 100% responsible for that change. Just as you couldn't change your borderline ex, your borderline ex cannot change you. Give yourself all of the credit for finding the love inside yourself, cultivate it, and spread it to all in the form of compassion. There is nothing more magnificent that a person could possibly do. Others will see this and it is extremely attractive. Peace, my friend!

[talithacumi]

bb12 ... .I am totally with you on this whole new me thing, as well as needing to step back/away from the tendency to associate the changes I've undergone with the trauma I experienced as a result of the 12+ year relationship I had with my pwBPD, and the two years of personal hell I went through when he replaced/abandoned me. It's that association - and the victimization/connection to my ex it implies - that I think Perfidy's comments are addressing - the power it suggests my ex still has over me - that's simply one more illusion/bad habit of being raised by an npd/BPD I have to make more of a conscious effort to rid myself of.

As for the stress/anxiety you feel - well - taking care of yourself, saying no, not trying to please, not presenting yourself as useful to everyone you meet - is REALLY different. You don't have a lot of practice with it. You're not always sure if you're doing it right, or even if you should really be doing it at all sometimes. So it seems pretty normal to me, under the circumstances, to feel a little insecure and tentative - to be anxious - to stress. But, if you're like me, you'll find the more you do it, the more positive reinforcement you get - the more you learn - the more comfortable and confident you become with it.

It feels like I've opened all the windows/doors that had been erected during my FOO that kept me - this person Perfidy says I've always been - from ever really seeing the light of day. It's scary to finally venture outside the safety of that little room and just BE me for a change, but man oh man, it's something my heart feels like it's been longing for my entire life.

Congratulations, man - it took a lot of courage/strength to get to where you are now!

- TC

[fromheeltoheal]

I get it bb.  Before I got with my ex I was thinking my way through life, not feeling.  The gift of being with her was she made me feel again, very good and then very bad, but undeniably feeling, after a long time of not.  So yes, feeling your way through life feels very different than thinking your way through it, and it can feel like we're different people, but really it's the difference between being asleep and being awake.  I like this better.

[Perfidy]

Fromheeltoheal, waking up from sleep is precise. Waking is a slow process. Ultimately, the result of waking is knowing your self. Knowledge of the human self; In knowing one's self it is possible to know and understand others, how human nature is a fact common to every human being regardless of assigned labels. How we operate as individuals; Our senses or feeling gives rise to attachment and desire through contact with objects we identify as being good, even though the perceived object may be harmful to us. The reverse is also valid with respect to hatred and anger. This is human nature. In waking, as you so aptly put it, obscure perception becomes less. Once awakening begins, the mind can become sharper than a razor through strengthening self awareness. It takes time and conscious effort to become fully awake. When fully awake the deeper, subtler, and more gratifying aspects of self become evident. No one can make you feel anything. Your feelings are yours and you own them, it's your nature. Thought, feelings and behavior are so closely related that they can appear almost simultaneously. When this happens we often find ourselves in trouble one way or another. It takes work to stay awake and it's easy to fall back into sleep. This is why so many people live in sleep, it's easier.

[Linda Maria]

Hi BB12!  I also get where you are coming from.  My experience has not been so traumatic as many people here - as it involves a uBPDsis, who I have had a "walking on eggshells" kind of relationship with all my life, but there had only been isolated "episodes" that were really scary over the last 30 years, and it only got really bad the last 18 months, after my Mum died, since when it has been a living nightmare, but coming to the end of it now, as getting to the end of the legalities (we are joint executors of my Mum's estate).  But, as someone who is a real people person, can always see both sides, always wants to make things right, is prepared to back down for the sake of peace, as I'm not overly egotistic, unless of course it is something so important that you just have to make a stand - I am now slightly different.  Of course I'm the same person, but the horror of the last 18 months have changed me in the sense that I am much less likely to take crap from someone in the way I did from my sister the last 18 months.  My tolerance for taking crap from anyone has definitely decreased, and my crap-detector is far more finely tuned - so now when I meet people who have these tendencies - I will be nice and pleasant, but I will probably never be dragged down the road of trying to help people, just because I feel sorry for them, I am much more wary of getting involved, whereas before I would have been very quick to step in and help people - even people I haven't known long.  And you know what -  I think it's a good thing!  As The Who sang all those years ago - "I Won't Get Fooled Again!"   I still have a sunny, optimistic view of life, and think that people in the main are good.  I haven't become bitter and twisted.  But I think I am a stronger, wiser, slightly more world-weary, and possibly slightly more cynical person than I was 18 months ago - but like any experience, how can you go through any kind of trauma, and not be at least slightly shaped by it?  I am the same person, but older, wiser, just with significantly more grey hairs and frown lines!   I wish you all the best.

[Waifed]

I get it bb.  Before I got with my ex I was thinking my way through life, not feeling.  The gift of being with her was she made me feel again, very good and then very bad, but undeniably feeling, after a long time of not.  So yes, feeling your way through life feels very different than thinking your way through it, and it can feel like we're different people, but really it's the difference between being asleep and being awake.  I like this better.

Interesting. I have experienced this too. I felt for the first time with exBPD. Thinking our way through life is a very codependent coping mechanism. I know 14 months NC I am a different "something". I have been more emotional about things in the past year than I have been my entire life previously combined. My boundaries, morals, preferences, etc have changed and I'm slowly getting my self back. I don't know where I am going ut I think I am a much better person than I was before. I definitely still attribute sadness directly to my exBPD. It sucks but I have gotten use to it and I don't fight it. It will pass. The acute sadness does make me worry sometimes that I will never be truly happy again. I feel great when I come out of it.

I believe I picked up a lot of her traits towards the end and believe I was totally carrying her feelings. If so I really feel sorry for her.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have been more emotional about things in the past year than I have been my entire life previously combined.

Yes.  One gift of a relationship with a borderline is we feel fully alive, both during and after the relationship.  For me it was like the floodgates opened and anything and everything repressed over the years, not just with her, has come pouring out, and that's a good thing.  The only way out is through, and I choose to believe that now that we're feeling everything, we're living all the way, and whatever we're feeling we're supposed to.  

The acute sadness does make me worry sometimes that I will never be truly happy again.

It's said you can't be happy unless you're sad, since you'd have nothing to compare it to, and any anger or sadness we feel now is what pain leaving feels like, on our way to a life we love.  One man's opinion and I'm stickin' to it... .

[Waifed]

It's said you can't be happy unless you're sad, since you'd have nothing to compare it to, and any anger or sadness we feel now is what pain leaving feels like, on our way to a life we love.  One man's opinion and I'm stickin' to it... .



Thanks. I like that.

[Forestaken]

BB12:

I would like to share some perspectives on this.  My S24 lived under his momster's uBPD+dOCD (untreated) For years, he considered himself an introvert.  Now that momster is no longer a part of his life, he has discovered he is truly an extrovert.

Me: I'm an introvert and know it, was that way before I met her, and that allowed her to control me.  What I have discovered are boundaries and that it is up to me to enforce them and not expect any one to know them.

[Aussie JJ]

Interesting topic,

I think we learn more about our motivations in situations and change how we approach situations as a whole?  I have been forced to examine myself more than I have ever done so before due to this one relationship. 

I havent understood what has motivated me in different circumstances.  The "old me" would please people and make sure that they were happy and I was a good friend by ensuring that they were happy.  Now if they didn't help me, were not there when I needed them, I tolerated this.  Low self worth and also a lack of boundarys where I wouldnt allow myself to be important. 

Now I allow myself to "feel" uncomfortable helping someone else when it is going to put me out emotionally/financially or in any way that previously I would have allowed.  the "new me" places worth on my time and my needs.  It's funny that I say this as I can also identify that at times in the past I have been insensitive and also neglected friends and family.  This has mostly been when trying to satisfy other friends and family, read pwBPD in my life.  So why did I allow it?  That has been what has changed with me the most. 

I now dont allow my mum to bust my boundarys and it infuriates her.  I dont allow a friend who is fairly narcisistic to have everything he wants.  I place my needs ahead of my desire to satisfy other people and get reward through this activity of satisfying others.  I still catch myself at times thinking that I should do XYZ or what not and then stop and re-evaluate.  Making healthier choices is something were all uncomfortable doing.  it is a theame that runs through the leaving board and also I see a bit on the undecided and staying board as people try to place there own needs and desires ahead just that little bit and ask for recognition.  Whenever doing this now I do feel anxious. 

The "old me", "new me" is an accutrate reflection of my decision making process that I have changed.  My sense of self is fairly well developed however now recognising my own emotional needs as important as well.  My own need for growth, not just providing for others in my life.  I recognise my worth, struggling with that a bit as it isnt how I was raised having a fairly controlling mother. 

I dont know, I havent changed as a whole, I am the same person, I just relate differently.  My perspective has changed in situations for sure, that perspective is now a healthier one as well. 


AJJ. 

[Deeno02]

I know my 16 months of BPD r/s has profoundly changed me. While I'm still a very caring, loving man, helpful to those in need and love to help, I find myself hesitant to do so. I gave to this person until I shattered, and was no longer wanted. And that's been really hard for me to realize my 16 months with her meant nothing. It is traumatizing and it should be recognized as such. However it affected you, I believe some change has happened. Either physical, mental or emotional, we changed, however so slight or drastic, BPD left its mark.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi bb12

Your post was so uplifting and affirming. I feel very similarly to you although I might not have said that a scant few days ago. i was bogged down in a sense of futility.

Your post really reminded me to reflect on how far I have come rather than focus on the problems that still exist.

I think it's remarkable just how you make the connection between your experience of your FOO and your situation with your ex. Many people fail to do this despite having access to the information.

I believe it takes a great deal of courage and humility to examine your own role in your r/ships and the end product is a freedom like no other. Particularly true if you were unaware of the dynamics in your family which produced an environment to get involved with someone whose own modes of conduct brought you to crisis.

I also very much identify with your stepping out of the helper role. Or at least as far as compulsion goes. I now feel free to choose where to assist rather than feel obliged for the simple fact of becoming aware of a need for someone to be helped.

My old motto was "The person who sees the problem should be the one to fix the problem." It later occurred to me that I saw this in an old magazine and did I want to live my whole life adhering to a fleeting comment?

Nowadays, I find it much more relevant to ask myself ":)o I really want to help? Is there any other way for the problem to be solved? Am I the only resource?"

I believe one of the 'gifts' of The Awakening is the insight to know that by helping someone else, I may be preventing them from learning to help themselves.

As far as the point of whether or not people can change you, it might be just semantics but we are social creatures, us humans and  behaviour is not created in a vacuum. We shape each other. Our choices are ours but they are influenced by our circumstances.

At any rate I am very happy for you to be so aware of your healing and it has buoyed me up to read of it. Thank you for your post.

Ziggiddy

[bb12]

I believe it takes a great deal of courage and humility to examine your own role in your r/ships and the end product is a freedom like no other. Particularly true if you were unaware of the dynamics in your family which produced an environment to get involved with someone whose own modes of conduct brought you to crisis.

Hey Ziggiddy. Thanks for your kind words. One of the downsides /upsides of healing is not feeling the need to log in here as often, but when I did I was delighted to see the many and varied responses. In relation to your comments more specifically: I have always known there was something a little 'off' about my romantic choices. I have since learned that I have an 'insecure attachment style' and very poor self-esteem. I am other-directed and full of self-sacrifice. In combination these things made me perfect fodder for pwBPD... .just as their helplessness and waif-like victimhood were the sirens call for me.

The borderline experience - especially the discard - ultimately forced me to examine myself at a depth I perhaps would never have naturally gone to otherwise. And in doing so, I had to acknowledge that my issues were deep-seeded and absolutely pre-dated that relationship. For me, the gold lay in unearthing the negative self-beliefs I had of held and in re-parenting myself. I am still naturally anxious and tend to think my way out of things instead of feel, but there is a level of consciousness or awareness that was never there before - and that's the 'new' bit I was eluding to.

Mine has not been one of those 'survivor to thriver' stories and I can still feel the post-traumatic effects of my borderline acutely, but knowledge is power - and I do feel more powerful now. More mature. And less likely to go down that rabbit hole again. Choosing badly comes at too great a price, so I don't feel lonely in my singledom. I actually prefer it to a one-sided, immature relationship based on need and inner emptiness. I am happy now - but not a giddy, fleeting happiness. Something calmer and deeper. I'm excited for the future again: something only 2 years ago, I was certain I would never get to feel



BB12