Triangulation/cheating

[AnnaK]

Well, thing happened.

My uBPDbf got into a car accident and in a couple of days brought a girl home, claiming she is "just a friend", to "take care of him" to stay over for the weekend

She kinda cleaned his room, made his bed (well, before accident he was healthy enough to spread the bed sheets that I washed and left on his bed - but he did not, so I did not think of it much either), washed his clothes (we do have washing machine, but she washed manually), cooked food for him, she slept in his room and they spent a lot of time together behind locked doors

I was kinda suggested to "mind my own business" ( anyway, my body was smarter than any of us three and caught a flu, so I was in bed most of the time)

We know each other for 7 years, this second recycle lasts for 2 years, I pay some of his expenses, he was always somewhat triangulating, but never that openly.

The situation is really wild, I don't even know what to say. She is a nice girl, I told her honestly for how long we've been together, but she did not seem to make any conclusions.

Ideas?

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[AnnaK]

I made my decisions. Asked him to let me know when he's back single and opted out of relationship.

Threesomes are not my style.

[Determined1]

Yeah I can't imagine how he thought that it was perfectly fine for another woman to come and take care of him and expect you to just be okay with it especially if she is not a nurse. You did the right thing with making your decision.

[AnnaK]

Thank you for reassurance.

No, she is not a nurse nor she is taking any care of his injuries with exception of "oh dear, does it hurt?" thing.

I know him much better - i know he would not be walking around if it hurts real bad (and he does walk around although carefully yet quite cheerfully), I see that the moment he loses audience, he is perfectly functional again... .so i was eventually just mocking him a little ("dear, dont forget, you are still not on the deathbed!", but she takes all the things for what it looks like

For obvious reasons he enjoys seeming helpless and being the center of attention... .

I am not sure what he was thinking. Did he believe that i would buy into his words "but she is just a friend!"

I saw girls in love. I did spend about a year playing threesomes when i was 22.

I know exactly the dynamics. And I know that no friend would wash his dirty clothes manually, when there is no need - washing machine is available, all they had to do would be to throw it in a laundry bin - I'd wash it after my gym (i wash my clothes and boxing handwraps several times a week)

I dont know about his intentions - but she is not a friend (yet i am responsible for myself, perhaps for him - excessively trusting girls are not my responsibility, let her break her neck on her own)

Most probably he is using her, sadly enough.

[AnnaK]

He got angry at my opting out (!), but he could not make a really good temper tantrum in her presence (she does not know anything of him, he's still wearing his "nice guy" skin!), so he just grumbled at me before i isolated myself. I slept very little the last 2 nights, so i just ate a load of Valerian root pills and tried to fall asleep (but anyway i could not)

The flu (which is real) is a good excuse for being unsocial.

Although i am also unsure what the girl is thinking - she does not look like an idiot - i would not have stayed if I saw a permanent partner hanging around confused in the guy's home - guys are stupid, but again, threesomes are ugly.

Maybe she is what's called "desperately in love" - and too young or inexperienced to keep it in check?

I dont know. What i know from threesomes dynamics - if i insisted on being around, it would hurt her more - and i am an empath, it feels bad to me

[AnnaK]

Things settled down. Seems like he wanted to piss me off and got quite discouraged when i checked out from situation. It also had to do with a phrase i said in despair some time ago that i will go and marry my ex (i wont and cant, but my man got scared)

[AnnaK]

Well, the girl is out, but I got the letter full of projections from my uBPDbf. I did not behave like a hostess, I am not settled in my female role, I have multiple personalities and I need therapy.

He is very angry - at me.

[takingandsending]

Hi Anna,

Sounds like he didn't approve of your boundaries. 

Still, if you don't mind my asking, how are you feeling. This isn't your first rodeo with him, and you are pretty clear on being responsible for your choices, but are you okay with his choices? You weren't, so you opted out, and now he's back but angry. What now?

[AnnaK]

Hi Anna,

Sounds like he didn't approve of your boundaries.  

Still, if you don't mind my asking, how are you feeling. This isn't your first rodeo with him, and you are pretty clear on being responsible for your choices, but are you okay with his choices? You weren't, so you opted out, and now he's back but angry. What now?

Nothing, he is often angry, then when he takes some time, he'll understand that what else should I do, if my man brings a girl home to live in his room?

Punch her? Punch him? Given that she is a girl much smaller than me and with no knowledge of boxing - and he was badly wounded - none of it was an option.

My belief is that the wisest is to politely offer him freedom to explore "other pastures", wish them best of luck and to go sort out my own life. That way I will have freedom - and they will most probably have problems, but it's probably fair.

I told him that when he gets back single, he should try to come back to me.

And he got "single" fast enough. In several hours he came half-drunk and quite aggressive to my room, to ask for something, but I refused and locked my room's door. He then started to call me "___ing b___" and bang the doors, so I texted him urging to keep his girl safe at any cost... .not to mention that it is not in his interest to do tantrums essentially in public... .and in half an hour she was out of the house.

Today we talked, I explained him that he is angry because I did not react the way he expected - but I am not going to react the way he expected - I can either leave or accept her as family member - choice is his.

He called me crazy, but I doubt he'd bring the girl back again.

[AnnaK]

Perhaps he does not APPROVE of it, but honestly, what else should I do? Some cat fighting "girl style", or what? I am not very smart verbally, and I don't feel like engaging in those girl competitions.

Besides - I later understood - I am a guardian by nature - so I feel like protecting people... .guys, girls... .guys and their girls... .I would have intervened if he were to get beligerently drunk and attacked her... .then I'd punch HIM to let her escape. But otherwise it makes no sense to fight... .

For me - my being jealous is not yet sufficient reason to confront people.

[AnnaK]

We were discussing it for long time by whatsapp today, doing some excursions into my suspected "other men" (who don't exist) etc. etc.

There is a peculiar situation in my household - my ex-bf of before I recycled with this one, he still lives in my house and essentially looks after my cats, while I am travelling to the country of my uBPDbf.

This is because the ex has no place to go, no job, no documents, and in his country of origin, he is searched by law for some small problem (at worst, a couple of years of prison, or maybe even provisional... .but he is from such a country, where a couple of years may suffice to die). Now that I keep telling him that he has to move on, he is actively trying to solve it through relatives.

But my uBPDbf seems to have gotten jealous. 

[AnnaK]

I am feeling okay... .I know he is a little like this... .but so what, kill him for that now or what?

With my new habit of validating, being angry gets defused very easily - we barely fight.

In fact all it takes is to tell him - "you seem this and this" - in my case I usually get right to the point, because I know him well enough and most of what is happening in his life too. It's not that very hard to find out what made him feel like that. Even if I don't get to the point - he corrects me without any difficulty, and thus we eventually get to the point together.

He even started to do this. He'd have a phone talk, I'd be around... .Some time would pass. Then he'd say - "Now I am starting to feel angry". I am like - "Why?" - "I don't know."

Before it would perplex me, but now I know I need to start the "mind-reading". So I run back in my head the latest phone talks and other episodes. Having found a suspicious one, I would touch that point. For example: "It seems like the latest phone talk with your parents made you quite upset... ." - that would usually break the barrier, and he'd tell the whole story. There is usually some part to brush upon further and validate.

Like say, his parents are usually blunt enough - "why did you get drunk and break your car?" - but heck, obviously he is totally capable of self-accusing - he needs help in being LESS hard on himself, not help in feeling more shame.

So I would validate that it definitely feels awful, especially that he is already beating himself over it (but there he said, I have a "bad habit" of going straight to the point, instead of touching it "socially" - it probably hurt - but not as much as to keep feeling bad perhaps, because he just said and then dropped it).

So he does not really need help in beating himself - and anyway, right after the accident, when the person has not yet regained the capacity to walk fully, it's probably not the right time... .

There he usually stops feeling angry, and starts feeling "correctly", like most of us normal people. So the potential fight gets defused.

----

Now I just told him he expected a certain reaction, but I reacted differently - and this is what makes him angry now. I just told him this, simply stating facts.

It was probably right, because he somehow stopped being angry. He was also feeling guilty - to me it was totally clear - because he kept and kept recurring to small lies to justify himself - like "she is just a friend!" - then kept forgetting and again kept talking as if she is not "just a friend"... .

But I did not dare say that he was feeling guilty. Maybe I'll say that later when we get some time prospective over events. It could have been taken for attack - not for validation. Given the peculiar situation.

[AnnaK]

Because well... .if I were to try to validate, it would sound like this: Man, you just brought your lover into your family house for her to "live in your room"... this is why you are feeling like an ass - and it is a correct, healthy feeling of a normal person who brings a keep into the family house... .how else do you expect to feel?

Obviously he is confused, and feels like a total ass - which is, given the situation, a perfectly healthy feeling. He recurs to non-healthy way to deal with it - like little lies, getting drunk and hostility, but I can't really validate in this situation, it sounds idiotic.

It sounds like bad sarcasm:  "man, you just tried to kill your wife - it is very understandable that you are feeling guilty"... .but of course.

[AnnaK]

Ok, I managed to validate the guilt, by whatsapp, because we are long-distance since today (he went to his parents' home)

He started to attack me - I am unworthy stuff stuff - but I validated using a little sense of humor - described the facts, then suggested that he "might be feeling a little guilty".  

It defused the situation and obviously made him feel immensely relieved. He called me a fool, laughed and disappeared from chat.

Huh.